2 year old at a funeral?

Brandi · May 20th, 2004, 03:35 PM

we will be attending a funeral for a close uncle of dh's in the next few days. I am wondering if I should take my son who just turned 2. I have a feeling it would be a bed situation, not to mention that he will just want to run around, but that he won't understand why everyone is sad (including mommy and daddy) and it could possibly scare him.

I just don't know exactly what we would do with him if we didn't take him. The funeral will be about 3 hours from here so I guess we could see if we could leave him with a friend for the day and just drive there and back OR, we could TRY to find someone to watch him there that might be a friend of dh's or MIL's or something. The only problem with that is that Carter won't know them and I don't really want to leave him with someone he doesn't know.

Anyway, maybe someone out there has a thought on this or has been through this sort of situation and has some advice! I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks!

TtownAnne · May 20th, 2004, 03:42 PM

We took Caroline to DH's grandmother's funeral last July when she was just past 18 months old - it was 250 miles away, so we couldn't have left her for "just a while". She did extremely well with the viewing, and I kept her in the back of the church during the funeral because it was ridiculously hot and there were fans in the back (a bonus for Mommy too!) - she did stay quiet, and provided a nice minute of comic relief about halfway through because I was letting her walk up and down the steps leading to the monstrance - unbeknownst to me, it was going to be a funeral Mass, so the priest came to the monstrance just as Caroline was doing model pivots at the top of the 3 steps.

He blessed her and her energy in the oppressive heat.

I myself believe that funerals, like weddings, are family occasions, and your son is part of the family, even if he doesn't have a full understanding of what is going on. As long as one of you is prepared to leave the church and take him outside or for a walk if he starts seriously acting up, I think you will be fine.

Brooke · May 20th, 2004, 04:12 PM

Rebekah went to my grandmother's viewing at the beginning of April. She was very close to my grandmother - she saw her every day and was the last person my grandmother kissed before she died.

She did very well at the viewing. Of course, she ran around but since she was grandmother's favorite, no one cared. Our family is pretty accepting of kid behavior in general. It lightened the situation. I took Rebekah up to the casket and she touched grandmother, said she looked pretty, sang her songs and asked to go up several times in the 2 hours she was there.

Anyway, our situation was a little different than yours because it was someone very close to Rebekah. However, I did not take her to the funeral because it was cold and rainy and I didn't think she'd be quiet enough at the cemetary.

So, what's my answer, right? I'd probably try to leave him with someone. You will end up missing most of the service if you take him. Will someone be staying behind and preparing for the after-funeral stuff? Maybe that person could keep him? What about a teenage relative who's not going to the funeral? Is it a short service at a funeral home or a long church service? If it's short, he won't be with a stranger for too long.

kim · May 20th, 2004, 04:41 PM

unfortunately i've taken tony to several family funerals. like anne, i had dh take him up to the back when he started to get fidgety, and outside if he got loud.

the most recent thing i took him to was my dad's anniversary mass. he made it about halfway thru the hour service before we had to take him out.

btw: people really enjoyed having tony around at the post funeral reception.

bunybomb · May 20th, 2004, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kim

btw: people really enjoyed having tony around at the post funeral reception.

I agree that Carter should go. We took Alex to my DH's grandpa's funeral when he was 11 months old. He had just learned to walk and wanted to show everyone. He helped bring some joy to everyone during a sad time. Grandma was so glad we brought him and made a point to tell us.

mybabygarrett · May 20th, 2004, 08:01 PM

I'm glad Brandi started this thread. My Grandpa is expected to pass away within the next couple of days and I am having the same dilemma with Garrett (20mon). I don't know what to do either!

Denise · May 23rd, 2004, 11:57 AM

My MIL is expected to pass away within the next few months

We plan to bring Nicholas, 18 mo, to the funeral and mass and repass. I feel it would make alot of people smile instead of cry at that time. I know it will be even more difficult for my DH and having Nick there would be wonderful therapy for him and everyone else.

Thoughts to you all!

Mrs.Greevy · May 24th, 2004, 10:45 AM

When my GFIL died we brought both devan and kalliyan, we didn't really have any other option. We just made sure that devan didn't go into the room where the viewing was (during the wake), other than that it was fine. I did take her to the baby crying room because she wanted to walk around, she wasn't quite 2, and there was another mother, cousin of my DH, and she watched devan and her girl while the funeral went on, they were about the same age.

miacat · May 24th, 2004, 11:12 AM

I think it depends a lot on your kid and the length of the service. I would not take my 19 month old to a funeral. There is no way he would sit through it, and I think it would be very disruptive to the others and somewhat disrespectful. I wouldn't have any problem with him going to the post-funeral receptions, which, as many people have said, might bring some joy to an otherwise solemn occasion. Of course, I am different from some other posters, in that I also would not take young children to a wedding ceremony for the same reasons.

Maybe your plan could be to take your child with you, sit in the back, and then for you to take him out of the service if necessary. Your husband can remain for the remainder of the service since it is his uncle's funeral.

Dennis · May 24th, 2004, 11:16 AM

I wouldn't bring a toddler to the service, but I think it's fine at the viewing and the reception/repass.

Dennis

Brandi · May 24th, 2004, 11:03 PM

Wow! Thanks for all the advice! Here's what we did:

Visitation/Viewing - we took shifts. I stayed back at the grandparents house with Carter while DH went to the funeral home. Then, he came back, brought us dinner, and then I went back to the funeral home.

Funeral - It was at a church and they have a pre-school there so he went to the 2 year old's classroom. He did okay, but was a little upset so they took him out and walked around a bit with him. I think he missed us and he didn't know anyone there. It was nice that he was right there at the church with us though. I was singing, so I couldn't watch him, and it was dh's uncle, so I didn't want him to be the one to take him out if he got restless. I'm sure he would have. He doesn't sit for more than a minute at a time, especially when there are lots of people around.

After the funeral, we went to get him and then there was a lunch right there at the church so he went to that with us. I felt like it was good for him to not see mommy and daddy crying and trying to explain that we are sad, but that everything is okay. He gets very upset when we cry! Anyway, I know this isn't always an option for everyone, but it worked well for us! Everyone was glad to see him at the lunch. OH - and he got to see his girlfriend, Isabella, again. He was in a wedding with her just 4 weeks ago (same family)!

May 20th, 2004, 03:35 PM	#1
Brandi Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: They donate to your favorite charity! Posts: 6,197	2 year old at a funeral? we will be attending a funeral for a close uncle of dh's in the next few days. I am wondering if I should take my son who just turned 2. I have a feeling it would be a bed situation, not to mention that he will just want to run around, but that he won't understand why everyone is sad (including mommy and daddy) and it could possibly scare him. I just don't know exactly what we would do with him if we didn't take him. The funeral will be about 3 hours from here so I guess we could see if we could leave him with a friend for the day and just drive there and back OR, we could TRY to find someone to watch him there that might be a friend of dh's or MIL's or something. The only problem with that is that Carter won't know them and I don't really want to leave him with someone he doesn't know. Anyway, maybe someone out there has a thought on this or has been through this sort of situation and has some advice! I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks!

May 20th, 2004, 03:42 PM	#2
TtownAnne Slowly getting rid of boxes... Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Should I be LTownAnne, or a whole different name? Posts: 16,978	We took Caroline to DH's grandmother's funeral last July when she was just past 18 months old - it was 250 miles away, so we couldn't have left her for "just a while". She did extremely well with the viewing, and I kept her in the back of the church during the funeral because it was ridiculously hot and there were fans in the back (a bonus for Mommy too!) - she did stay quiet, and provided a nice minute of comic relief about halfway through because I was letting her walk up and down the steps leading to the monstrance - unbeknownst to me, it was going to be a funeral Mass, so the priest came to the monstrance just as Caroline was doing model pivots at the top of the 3 steps. He blessed her and her energy in the oppressive heat. I myself believe that funerals, like weddings, are family occasions, and your son is part of the family, even if he doesn't have a full understanding of what is going on. As long as one of you is prepared to leave the church and take him outside or for a walk if he starts seriously acting up, I think you will be fine. __________________ Thanks, Shel! Moving and settlement ordeal ...11.09.09 until Caroline's 8th birthday!

May 24th, 2004, 11:16 AM	#10
Dennis . Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 19,604	I wouldn't bring a toddler to the service, but I think it's fine at the viewing and the reception/repass. Dennis __________________ Check out my journal

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May 20th, 2004, 04:12 PM	#3
Brooke Daniel can count to 10! Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Maryland Posts: 12,357	Rebekah went to my grandmother's viewing at the beginning of April. She was very close to my grandmother - she saw her every day and was the last person my grandmother kissed before she died. She did very well at the viewing. Of course, she ran around but since she was grandmother's favorite, no one cared. Our family is pretty accepting of kid behavior in general. It lightened the situation. I took Rebekah up to the casket and she touched grandmother, said she looked pretty, sang her songs and asked to go up several times in the 2 hours she was there. Anyway, our situation was a little different than yours because it was someone very close to Rebekah. However, I did not take her to the funeral because it was cold and rainy and I didn't think she'd be quiet enough at the cemetary. So, what's my answer, right? I'd probably try to leave him with someone. You will end up missing most of the service if you take him. Will someone be staying behind and preparing for the after-funeral stuff? Maybe that person could keep him? What about a teenage relative who's not going to the funeral? Is it a short service at a funeral home or a long church service? If it's short, he won't be with a stranger for too long.

May 20th, 2004, 04:41 PM	#4
kim Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: with you Posts: 11,198	unfortunately i've taken tony to several family funerals. like anne, i had dh take him up to the back when he started to get fidgety, and outside if he got loud. the most recent thing i took him to was my dad's anniversary mass. he made it about halfway thru the hour service before we had to take him out. btw: people really enjoyed having tony around at the post funeral reception.

May 20th, 2004, 08:01 PM	#6
mybabygarrett Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Western Wisconsin Posts: 877	I'm glad Brandi started this thread. My Grandpa is expected to pass away within the next couple of days and I am having the same dilemma with Garrett (20mon). I don't know what to do either!

May 23rd, 2004, 11:57 AM	#7
Denise Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: thoughts and prayers to Brook Posts: 3,814	My MIL is expected to pass away within the next few months We plan to bring Nicholas, 18 mo, to the funeral and mass and repass. I feel it would make alot of people smile instead of cry at that time. I know it will be even more difficult for my DH and having Nick there would be wonderful therapy for him and everyone else. Thoughts to you all!

May 24th, 2004, 10:45 AM	#8
Mrs.Greevy Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: I AM HOME- well kinda.... Posts: 2,123	When my GFIL died we brought both devan and kalliyan, we didn't really have any other option. We just made sure that devan didn't go into the room where the viewing was (during the wake), other than that it was fine. I did take her to the baby crying room because she wanted to walk around, she wasn't quite 2, and there was another mother, cousin of my DH, and she watched devan and her girl while the funeral went on, they were about the same age.

May 24th, 2004, 11:12 AM	#9
miacat Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 45	I think it depends a lot on your kid and the length of the service. I would not take my 19 month old to a funeral. There is no way he would sit through it, and I think it would be very disruptive to the others and somewhat disrespectful. I wouldn't have any problem with him going to the post-funeral receptions, which, as many people have said, might bring some joy to an otherwise solemn occasion. Of course, I am different from some other posters, in that I also would not take young children to a wedding ceremony for the same reasons. Maybe your plan could be to take your child with you, sit in the back, and then for you to take him out of the service if necessary. Your husband can remain for the remainder of the service since it is his uncle's funeral.

May 24th, 2004, 11:03 PM	#11
Brandi Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: They donate to your favorite charity! Posts: 6,197	Wow! Thanks for all the advice! Here's what we did: Visitation/Viewing - we took shifts. I stayed back at the grandparents house with Carter while DH went to the funeral home. Then, he came back, brought us dinner, and then I went back to the funeral home. Funeral - It was at a church and they have a pre-school there so he went to the 2 year old's classroom. He did okay, but was a little upset so they took him out and walked around a bit with him. I think he missed us and he didn't know anyone there. It was nice that he was right there at the church with us though. I was singing, so I couldn't watch him, and it was dh's uncle, so I didn't want him to be the one to take him out if he got restless. I'm sure he would have. He doesn't sit for more than a minute at a time, especially when there are lots of people around. After the funeral, we went to get him and then there was a lunch right there at the church so he went to that with us. I felt like it was good for him to not see mommy and daddy crying and trying to explain that we are sad, but that everything is okay. He gets very upset when we cry! Anyway, I know this isn't always an option for everyone, but it worked well for us! Everyone was glad to see him at the lunch. OH - and he got to see his girlfriend, Isabella, again. He was in a wedding with her just 4 weeks ago (same family)!