Temper Tandrums

Kimmy0712 · April 9th, 2004, 03:29 PM

Well I think Alex has officially started the terrible two's! He will be 21 months this month and for the past few weeks he has been horrible. If he does not like what you tell him then he will through himself on the floor and begin to scream and cry.

He can keep this up for 30-45 minutes. Today he hit the sitter because she would not let him have juice until he ate some lunch. I get very frustrated because he used to be so good to take to a resturant and now and I am afriad to. Last weekend he had a melt down and started to throw his food and just kept yelling NO!

I was so embaressed. I used to have a lot of paitence but it is now wearing thin. I just don't know what to do with him

. Help!!

What are you doing when your toddler has melt downs?

bunybomb · April 9th, 2004, 04:30 PM

My Alex started tantrums at 15 months he's now 19 months.

Some days it takes all I have not to leave him on someone's front porch!

For us, it requires more planning since he has tantrums more often when he's tired. Going out to dinner has to happen early. I go grocery shopping only when my DH can go and we can back each other up. When Alex has good meals with protein, they are less likely to happen.

I read an article about it and it advised getting down to their level to talk about it. Literally, getting on the floor with them. Let them know you understand that they are frustrated or angry, but also let them know that's it not acceptable to act that way. If we are in a safe place, I let him flop on the floor and ignore him. When I don't pay attention, I find they stop much quicker.

aylhu · April 9th, 2004, 06:17 PM

I am with you, Kimmy0712. Dd is 29 months and last night was just beside herself, kicking walls and yelling. I don't know how much is having less of my attention b/c her sister was born two months ago. We, too, plan around nap and bed times because when she's tired she's impossible. When she wakes up,too, she's very argumentative. First thing she does is tell me I can't do whatever it is I'm doing!

Dd and I were up last night strategizing what kind of reward we can offer that won't just prompt another fit. Our first strategy is to give her an outlet for her frustration. Today I had her squeeze a pillow when she's mad. I told her to give all her Mad and Sad to the pillow and she would feel better. She actually did it and calmed down! We'll see if it works tonight, though.

I'd love to hear others' thoughts!

chefkath · April 9th, 2004, 08:12 PM

You are at a great stage right now, since you can lay the groundwork for how to help him gain some control over his emotions over the next year or so. I think what you do at the age when this stuff all gets going can make the rest of it go much smoother!! My strategy was mainly one of empathy. Toddlers have such intense emotions, but have such a limited understanding of them and an even more limited understanding of ways in which to express them. They're not really trying to push anyone's buttons, they're just trying to express themselves in the way that feels most natural to them - however frustrating it is to us!

Sometimes they really just need to let it all out, and there's not much we can do but be compassionate and let it run its course. As long as you never use rewards or bribery, and as long as you don't cave in to the tantrum by changing a previously established rule or consequence, you'll probably see this behavior taper off over the next year.

With Brigit, my first strategy was to do my best to keep her emotions from escalating, by ensuring I kept her environment appropriate to her state of mind and her current age. Like, I wouldn't take her shopping or out to eat when she was tired or grumpy. I'd make sure I allowed enough time in the morning for her to do all the things she insisted on doing herself, even though it took 100 times longer!

I'd make the consequences of certain behaviors clear to her before they came up (like making sure she understood we'd leave the park if she threw sand in the sandbox, or leave the store if she touched things without asking.) And I wouldn't expect her to do something a child her age is emotionally unable to do - like sit still for more than a few minutes, or be quiet for any length of time.

I felt it was my job to teach her how to identify her emotions and their cause, and I wanted to guide her to learn appropriate ways of expressing these emotions. Wrapped up in all of this was my feeling that the most important thing I could do for her was empathize and validate her feelings.

When she first started using tantrum-type behaviors (around 20 months, I think), I would give voice to what I thought she was feeling, since she wasn't verbal enough to do so. My goal was to translate what she was telling me into words - for example, saying "You're really mad right now because you want to do X and I'm not allowing you to do that" or "You're feeling really frustrated that you can't do it by yourself." Sometimes just hearing this from me would be enough to make her stop - as if knowing that I got what she was trying to say (and understood what she was feeling) was all she really needed. She would often keep on crying, but I'd just hold her in my lap and sing to her and rub her back, and she'd usually get over it fairly quickly. Distraction worked pretty well, too. I'd bring up a different subject, tell a story, ask her a question about something we were looking at, change the environment, etc.

When she got a little older and more verbal, I figured it would be easier to help her express emotions in a more mature way. So when she'd start to have a meltdown, I'd coach her: "Instead of crying, can you use your words to tell me how you're feeling right now? Why do you feel that way? How do you think we can fix it so you're not so mad/sad/frustrated/etc.?" She got really great at telling me just how she was feeling. She'd scream at me, "I'm SO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!" or "I'm feeling REALLY SAD!!" Nowadays (she's 2 1/2) she'll tell me how she's feeling, and go right into brainstorming her own solution to her problem. We haven't had an actual tantrum in a long time. We still have intense emotional moments - but some hugs, some active listening and some empathy usually solves the problem in short order.

AmyinChi · April 9th, 2004, 11:54 PM

Similar to what Kathleen says, there's a book called The Happiest Toddler on the Block that says to express the emotion for your toddler because they don't have the ability to do it at this age. It's a great book and has really helped my daughter's tantrums get down to merely seconds!

Kimmy0712 · April 10th, 2004, 08:33 PM

Thanks girls I think I will have to look into getting that book. I am trying to ignore it now when it happens. I don't want to cater to him because then he thinks that he can get away with it.

I still wouldl ike to hear other ideas as well.

chefkath · April 11th, 2004, 01:25 PM

That sounds like an interesting book - I might check that out too.

I'd also recommend these two books: The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Thomas Gordon.

As for the "ignoring" strategy, I know many parents try this at first. My personal opinion is this: I want to always treat my children as I would want to be treated myself. I know that if I were terribly upset about something and was trying to express it to someone I cared for, in the way that felt most natural to me, it would hurt me terribly if that person just turned and walked away from me. So the thought of doing that to a child just breaks my heart.

A young child (especially a pre-verbal one) throwing a tantrum is not doing so to push his parent's buttons - he's simply trying to get his needs met and/or express his frustration via the only communication method he has available to him. He is too young to be expected to have control over his emotions! That's our job as parents, to teach him control using age-appropriate direction and guidance. By giving him empathy and attention, you won't be "catering" to him, you'll simply be validating his feelings and fulfilling his needs - letting him know that his feelings are normal and understood, and that he's loved unconditionally. That's all any of us would want in that situation, I believe!

Karri · April 11th, 2004, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefkath

A young child (especially a pre-verbal one) throwing a tantrum is not doing so to push his parent's buttons - he's simply trying to get his needs met and/or express his frustration via the only communication method he has available to him.

I totally agree.

I also bought The Happiest Toddler on the Block to help me with Aidan's tantrums and it helped me really understand tantrums and how to handle them. I know its helped me greatly!

Kimmy0712 · April 11th, 2004, 11:16 PM

I have to remember to get this book tomorrow. Alex had another tantrum tonight and I tried for about 30 minutes to talk to him and try to find out why he was so upset. I asked him if he was sad and he would say NO. I asked if he was mad and he would say NO. He would ask for his milk and when I gave it to him he would throw it on the floor then ask for it again. This went on for a good while. He finally stopped when I showed the little bit of milk that spilled on the floor and then it was like nothing was ever wrong. He wanted to help mommy clean it up and he was ok after that.

The thing I don't understand is that he wasn't doing anything before the tantrum started but sitting on my lap. I asked if he wanted milk he said yes then once we gave it to him that was it. He flipped out. I realized that I cannot ignore him even if I tried!

April 9th, 2004, 03:29 PM	#1
Kimmy0712 New journal update Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Loving Life Posts: 1,771	Temper Tandrums Well I think Alex has officially started the terrible two's! He will be 21 months this month and for the past few weeks he has been horrible. If he does not like what you tell him then he will through himself on the floor and begin to scream and cry. He can keep this up for 30-45 minutes. Today he hit the sitter because she would not let him have juice until he ate some lunch. I get very frustrated because he used to be so good to take to a resturant and now and I am afriad to. Last weekend he had a melt down and started to throw his food and just kept yelling NO! I was so embaressed. I used to have a lot of paitence but it is now wearing thin. I just don't know what to do with him. Help!! What are you doing when your toddler has melt downs?

April 9th, 2004, 04:30 PM	#2
bunybomb is still a cheer mom...... Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Littleton, CO Posts: 5,418	My Alex started tantrums at 15 months he's now 19 months. Some days it takes all I have not to leave him on someone's front porch! For us, it requires more planning since he has tantrums more often when he's tired. Going out to dinner has to happen early. I go grocery shopping only when my DH can go and we can back each other up. When Alex has good meals with protein, they are less likely to happen. I read an article about it and it advised getting down to their level to talk about it. Literally, getting on the floor with them. Let them know you understand that they are frustrated or angry, but also let them know that's it not acceptable to act that way. If we are in a safe place, I let him flop on the floor and ignore him. When I don't pay attention, I find they stop much quicker. __________________ Becky until cheerleading is over for season!

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April 9th, 2004, 06:17 PM	#3
aylhu Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Abq, NM Posts: 259	I am with you, Kimmy0712. Dd is 29 months and last night was just beside herself, kicking walls and yelling. I don't know how much is having less of my attention b/c her sister was born two months ago. We, too, plan around nap and bed times because when she's tired she's impossible. When she wakes up,too, she's very argumentative. First thing she does is tell me I can't do whatever it is I'm doing! Dd and I were up last night strategizing what kind of reward we can offer that won't just prompt another fit. Our first strategy is to give her an outlet for her frustration. Today I had her squeeze a pillow when she's mad. I told her to give all her Mad and Sad to the pillow and she would feel better. She actually did it and calmed down! We'll see if it works tonight, though. I'd love to hear others' thoughts!

April 9th, 2004, 08:12 PM	#4
chefkath Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Seattle Posts: 501	You are at a great stage right now, since you can lay the groundwork for how to help him gain some control over his emotions over the next year or so. I think what you do at the age when this stuff all gets going can make the rest of it go much smoother!! My strategy was mainly one of empathy. Toddlers have such intense emotions, but have such a limited understanding of them and an even more limited understanding of ways in which to express them. They're not really trying to push anyone's buttons, they're just trying to express themselves in the way that feels most natural to them - however frustrating it is to us! Sometimes they really just need to let it all out, and there's not much we can do but be compassionate and let it run its course. As long as you never use rewards or bribery, and as long as you don't cave in to the tantrum by changing a previously established rule or consequence, you'll probably see this behavior taper off over the next year. With Brigit, my first strategy was to do my best to keep her emotions from escalating, by ensuring I kept her environment appropriate to her state of mind and her current age. Like, I wouldn't take her shopping or out to eat when she was tired or grumpy. I'd make sure I allowed enough time in the morning for her to do all the things she insisted on doing herself, even though it took 100 times longer! I'd make the consequences of certain behaviors clear to her before they came up (like making sure she understood we'd leave the park if she threw sand in the sandbox, or leave the store if she touched things without asking.) And I wouldn't expect her to do something a child her age is emotionally unable to do - like sit still for more than a few minutes, or be quiet for any length of time. I felt it was my job to teach her how to identify her emotions and their cause, and I wanted to guide her to learn appropriate ways of expressing these emotions. Wrapped up in all of this was my feeling that the most important thing I could do for her was empathize and validate her feelings. When she first started using tantrum-type behaviors (around 20 months, I think), I would give voice to what I thought she was feeling, since she wasn't verbal enough to do so. My goal was to translate what she was telling me into words - for example, saying "You're really mad right now because you want to do X and I'm not allowing you to do that" or "You're feeling really frustrated that you can't do it by yourself." Sometimes just hearing this from me would be enough to make her stop - as if knowing that I got what she was trying to say (and understood what she was feeling) was all she really needed. She would often keep on crying, but I'd just hold her in my lap and sing to her and rub her back, and she'd usually get over it fairly quickly. Distraction worked pretty well, too. I'd bring up a different subject, tell a story, ask her a question about something we were looking at, change the environment, etc. When she got a little older and more verbal, I figured it would be easier to help her express emotions in a more mature way. So when she'd start to have a meltdown, I'd coach her: "Instead of crying, can you use your words to tell me how you're feeling right now? Why do you feel that way? How do you think we can fix it so you're not so mad/sad/frustrated/etc.?" She got really great at telling me just how she was feeling. She'd scream at me, "I'm SO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!" or "I'm feeling REALLY SAD!!" Nowadays (she's 2 1/2) she'll tell me how she's feeling, and go right into brainstorming her own solution to her problem. We haven't had an actual tantrum in a long time. We still have intense emotional moments - but some hugs, some active listening and some empathy usually solves the problem in short order.

April 9th, 2004, 11:54 PM	#5
AmyinChi Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1	Similar to what Kathleen says, there's a book called The Happiest Toddler on the Block that says to express the emotion for your toddler because they don't have the ability to do it at this age. It's a great book and has really helped my daughter's tantrums get down to merely seconds!

April 10th, 2004, 08:33 PM	#6
Kimmy0712 New journal update Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Loving Life Posts: 1,771	Thanks girls I think I will have to look into getting that book. I am trying to ignore it now when it happens. I don't want to cater to him because then he thinks that he can get away with it. I still wouldl ike to hear other ideas as well.

April 11th, 2004, 01:25 PM	#7
chefkath Registered but not Subscribed Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Seattle Posts: 501	That sounds like an interesting book - I might check that out too. I'd also recommend these two books: The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Thomas Gordon. As for the "ignoring" strategy, I know many parents try this at first. My personal opinion is this: I want to always treat my children as I would want to be treated myself. I know that if I were terribly upset about something and was trying to express it to someone I cared for, in the way that felt most natural to me, it would hurt me terribly if that person just turned and walked away from me. So the thought of doing that to a child just breaks my heart. A young child (especially a pre-verbal one) throwing a tantrum is not doing so to push his parent's buttons - he's simply trying to get his needs met and/or express his frustration via the only communication method he has available to him. He is too young to be expected to have control over his emotions! That's our job as parents, to teach him control using age-appropriate direction and guidance. By giving him empathy and attention, you won't be "catering" to him, you'll simply be validating his feelings and fulfilling his needs - letting him know that his feelings are normal and understood, and that he's loved unconditionally. That's all any of us would want in that situation, I believe!

April 11th, 2004, 11:16 PM	#9
Kimmy0712 New journal update Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Loving Life Posts: 1,771	I have to remember to get this book tomorrow. Alex had another tantrum tonight and I tried for about 30 minutes to talk to him and try to find out why he was so upset. I asked him if he was sad and he would say NO. I asked if he was mad and he would say NO. He would ask for his milk and when I gave it to him he would throw it on the floor then ask for it again. This went on for a good while. He finally stopped when I showed the little bit of milk that spilled on the floor and then it was like nothing was ever wrong. He wanted to help mommy clean it up and he was ok after that. The thing I don't understand is that he wasn't doing anything before the tantrum started but sitting on my lap. I asked if he wanted milk he said yes then once we gave it to him that was it. He flipped out. I realized that I cannot ignore him even if I tried!