Honesty about your past

[bunybomb]

Will you be honest with your kids about your past? Drugs use, sex, parties or stupid activities you may have engaged in?

My daughter will be 11 soon. I know the questions will come up. I don't know how I will deal with it yet.

How about you? How honest will you be with your kids?

[Shanna]

I don't know that I will be offering alot of info, but if I'm asked a direct question about something, I'd like to think that my kids and I will have the type of relationship that I can be honest about it and share the good/bad/pros/cons of what I did in my past... make sense?

[Brooke]

Well, I can be totally honest because I didn't drink or do drugs. And I'll be honest about sex because I want to have an open relationship with my kids (I waited until I was almost 18 to have sex, anyway, so I'm not embarassed).

DH, on the other hand, I don't know. I think he'll be honest but it will be a "yes, I did all of it, but it was a mistake and I want better for you" kind of speech.

[Mrs.Greevy]

umm I am not sure, I never did drugs or slept around but I did drink and have the occational hook up not sure how much I want them to know... I think I will tell them experiances that I definatly learned from but they may get a good scrubbing before I tell them

[harmonielyn]

I think I will be honest because kids figure out when things dont add up and I dont want to lie to her about something I wouldnt want her to lie to me about. If I lie about age or the person and she figures it out she would know that I wasnt being totally honest.. giving her a reason to think she doesnt have to be honest with me.

[JustJen]

I figured I've learned alot from my mistakes. My kids shouldn't view me as someone who's perfect and always makes the right decisions. I am completely honest about my past with everyone. There's nothing to hide. If I make something a dirty dark secret, everyone will view it that way. But if I take it in stride that that's MY life, MY choices, MY experiences and I've LIVED it and I've learned from it then my experience have taught me something.

If you know better, you Do better.

[sheila]

At this point, I don't plan to lie to my kids about my past. There are some thing I am not too proud of, and I would rather them not know about, but I wouldn't lie to them.

That being said, I don't know that they will be getting all the details, either. Many of my friends don't get the details. I think there is something to be said for privacy-- where that line is with my kids will most likey depend on who my kids are when they get older.

[Alyssa]

I think I'm like Megan and Sheila...I don't necessarily plan to lie but I don't plan to tell them everything with every last detail either. I never did drugs or anything, but I surely drank more than I should have younger than I should have. I guess I'll answer honestly to the fact that I had pre-marital sex, but I don't know if I really want to give them the age (16...well 16yrs, 9mos ) because I do think that was early and I don't want them to see any permission behind that admission. It's private information anyway - I think I can give them good information about morals without all the details about what I did.

All this said, it's very hard for me to know HOW I'll react to anything like this when the time comes. I think it depends on the kid and their personality, and I surely don't have any insight into what my kids are going to be like when the time comes to talk about things like this. I also don't know how them being boys will affect how we interact.

[Wendy]

Originally Posted by sheila

At this point, I don't plan to lie to my kids about my past. There are some thing I am not too proud of, and I would rather them not know about, but I wouldn't lie to them.

That being said, I don't know that they will be getting all the details, either. Many of my friends don't get the details. I think there is something to be said for privacy-- where that line is with my kids will most likey depend on who my kids are when they get older.

Funny that we were having a conversation along these same lines the other night

No. Only because I dont want her to know that I really havent dont anything except have sex way too early.....dont want her to think she can pull one over on me. As far as she is concerned I know all and have done all......

[Alyssa]

Originally Posted by Wendy

No. Only because I dont want her to know that I really havent dont anything except have sex way too early.....dont want her to think she can pull one over on me. As far as she is concerned I know all and have done all......

I think that's a really good point too. But I still think there is a line (although I still don't know where it falls) of proving to your kids that you've experienced enough so that you're not naive/a pushover but yet you're not telling them it's okay to do X because I did it too.

[Brandi]

There's not much that I would want to hide from my kids anyway, but I don't think I'll lie to them. I've read before that it's best to be open with them and then say "but you know what, I wish I wouldn't have done X and here's why" and then tell them. We had to learn from our own mistakes and they probably will have to also, but we can only try to help them. Also, there are some things that are personal and private and I don't think you need to share everything with them. Saying "You know, that is really something that is private for me" is ok too. In a way, I'm dreading this time when my kids will ask questions, but in a way, I'm also very excited to talk to my kids about such important issues - at least I hope they will want to talk to me about these things.

[Jillian]

We plan right now on being very honest...but our kids are 2 and 1 right now, we could change our minds.

[Wendy]

Originally Posted by Alyssa

I think that's a really good point too. But I still think there is a line (although I still don't know where it falls) of proving to your kids that you've experienced enough so that you're not naive/a pushover but yet you're not telling them it's okay to do X because I did it too.

Very true!!

[Girlo]

Originally Posted by mosermonkeys

I figured I've learned alot from my mistakes. My kids shouldn't view me as someone who's perfect and always makes the right decisions. I am completely honest about my past with everyone. There's nothing to hide. If I make something a dirty dark secret, everyone will view it that way. But if I take it in stride that that's MY life, MY choices, MY experiences and I've LIVED it and I've learned from it then my experience have taught me something.

If you know better, you Do better.

Exactly!! I've absolutely done my share (and Brooke's share! ) of drinking, drugs, blah, blah.....and I have old friends who never got out of it and they've been in bad shape. I'm where I am today because I made some conscious choices about where I wanted my life to go and I'm a better person for it. Life is all about the choices we make and taking responsibility for those choices.

[Karri]

Like Sheila, I will be honest, but we'll see how much I'll reveal.
Just as Wendy posted, Chris and I have also discussed how we want them to know that they will not be able to pull the wool over our eyes. However, it'll be a different era, so I am sure we wont be all-knowing either

[Michele]

Originally Posted by Alyssa

I think I'm like Megan and Sheila...I don't necessarily plan to lie but I don't plan to tell them everything with every last detail either. I never did drugs or anything, but I surely drank more than I should have younger than I should have. I guess I'll answer honestly to the fact that I had pre-marital sex, but I don't know if I really want to give them the age (16...well 16yrs, 9mos ) because I do think that was early and I don't want them to see any permission behind that admission. It's private information anyway - I think I can give them good information about morals without all the details about what I did.

All this said, it's very hard for me to know HOW I'll react to anything like this when the time comes. I think it depends on the kid and their personality, and I surely don't have any insight into what my kids are going to be like when the time comes to talk about things like this. I also don't know how them being boys will affect how we interact.

As usual, I agree with Alyssa.

My own mother told me that she never had sex until she was married and never touched a drop of alcohol until she was 21...Even if it is true, I have never believed her. Because of this, I think you need to spill a little bit just to be credible and easier to relate to.

[magoo]

I don't really know... I guess it depends how the converstaions go. I didn't ever come right out and question my parents about their past. I don't know what they have and haven't done, but I always knew what was expected of me.

As for me... I was squeaky clean... no drugs of any kind, my first beer about 10 days before I turned 19 (our legal drinking age) and waited on sex until I was married. Eric too.

I guess that just the way people can discuss their choices to drink, do drugs, have premarital sex, and why they wish they had done differently (but do you REALLY wish you had made different choices??) I could discuss my choices not to do those things, and why I'm really happy with those choices. Just because I haven't done drugs doesn't mean that I don't know what different drugs look and smell like, or what signs to look for in my child to know if they're using. I don't think that not having done those things necessarily gives them the ability to pull one over on us.

[Shel]

As the mother of a 12 year old, I've told him pretty much everything. I've tried to be very open and honest with him from the beginning because I want him to feel that I'm open, so he can be open with me. I am trying to teach him that, sure it was fun then, but look how much guilt, shame, consequences came from that fun. We are talking a lot about consequences for EVERY action (including breathing which takes air from someone else ) so I try to go "yes, I did have sex early, but then I felt ...." We also talk a lot about my friends and what happened to them after they made choices.

I figure it was all a learning experience for me, so I can use it as a learning experience for him as well.

[Lynn]

I was pretty squeaky clean too but only because I feared the wrath of my parents if they found out. But yes, I did have sex before marriage and I did drink a bit before I was 21. But I never did anything super excessive (again, the fear is what kept me from doing it!). But I do have regrets on some stuff, like the partners I chose to have sex with.

So I will probably be pretty honest but I think I would also preface it by saying, "I did make some bad decisions on things but the fact that I know they were bad decisions doesn't make it okay that I did them" I really want to have an open relationship with my child(ren) because I didn't have one with my own parents.

[m'honey]

it was never much of an option for me with my 14yo son, seeing as how I was a single mom with him as the result of a one-night "hookup". Ugh! He knows about some of the things DH & I did that we regret, and as he asks more we'll discuss it more. Someone else said that it's also ok sometimes to just say that "that's really private and I really prefer not to discuss it." We've done that with him, and also told him that we don't feel he's old enough to understand something he's asking about (some sex stuff, I swear some of the rap music out there is just NASTY) but we'll answer his questions when we think he WILL understand. We've kept our word and been honest, so he knows we're not blowing him off.