Letters from biomom...spin-off

[bunybomb]

This is a spin-off from my Letters from biomom thread.

Is it wrong for us to keep letters that arrive from biomom for our daughter?

These letter upset her more than make her happy. They repeat the same stuff over and over, i.e. "I hope you are doing good in school", I love you and I miss you to the moon and back" :puke: , "I don't have a job or any money", "you need to write back since I'm worried about you", :blahblah: . The times that DD does write back, she never acknowledges anything DD wrote her about. After my last thread, DD did write her a note asking her to call because talking on the phone was better for her than writing, also telling her that she started 4th grade, that she saw horses on a ranch, etc. But no reponse to any of these items in the letter that showed up later. DD was pretty much crushed to see that it was just a note informing her that she got the letter and "thanks for writing".

A letter showed up today. It states that she still doesn't have a job and that she would be moving but doesn't know where. She did say she would send her address after she moved.

We haven't given the letter to DD. Are we wrong to keep this letter from her?

[Dennis]

That's a tough one. On the one hand, I think the right thing to do is give her the letters because they are to her. But on the other hand, I can understand that you know giving her the letter is just going to upset her, so what's the point.

At this point, I probably wouldn't give it to her. So I don't think you're wrong to keep it from her.

Dennis

[Wendy]

I would give it to her. At some point as an adult she is going to figure out for herself what kind of person her biomom is. In the meantime I think it would be better for her to at least know her mom is making an effort to keep in touch with her. I didnt hear from my bio day from the time I was about 7 until I was a senior in highschool....I think that in and of itself affected my life in so many different ways....and now that I have become a mom it just makes me angry. At least your DD will know as an adult that even though her biomom is a f*** up she at least made an effort to stay in touch.

[Brooke]

What if you explain to your daughter that you know her mom's letters upset her and that it's ok if she doesn't want to read them right now? She's almost 10, right? She should be able to make that decision on her own and she has a pretty good idea what kind of person her mom is right now. Maybe she feels like she HAS to read them because they are from her "mom" and she needs you to tell her that it's ok if she doesn't want to right now.

Maybe suggest that you'll tell her when a letter comes and then put it in a special place (a shoe box or something) and she can read them when she's ready. Or ask her if she wants to know when they come at all. And then do what she wants.

IMO - keeping the letters from her without asking her first is just going to bring more heartache later.

[Dennis]

I think Brooke has a good idea - ask her what she wants to do with them.

Dennis

[bunybomb]

I totally understand your post Brooke. Thanks for pointing that out. I will set the letter aside and tell Dyl that she can read it when she wants. And yes, she is almost ten.

It's sad that Dylan's own biological mother brings out the "Mommy Bear" in me and that I feel the need to protect her both emotionally and physically.