Working Moms/SAH Dads?

[Shanna2]

I seem to remember that we had a thread a while back at UB for moms who work with dads who stay at home (or work part-time). Is anyone still in this situation? We are, and I'm interested in hearing how it's working out for others now that the kids are getting older.

I'm Shanna and my DH (Ray) stays at home most of the time. He teaches 1-2 classes per semester at a local college and works out of the house about 8-10 hours per week, during which Leah has had a sitter in the past. We have Leah (almost 2.5) and Francesca (1 month).

Our arrangement works pretty well, but we tend to argue over who should do more around the house, free time, etc. Anyone else?

[MtBikeLover]

Our arrangement works pretty well, but we tend to argue over who should do more around the house, free time, etc. Anyone else?
So do we!! I think I have it harder, he thinks he has it harder!! We just agree to disagree.

I'm Joy and my DH is James. My DH is a total SAHD - no other job than to take care of Cameron. We had decided this before I even got pregnant. he has much more patience than I do and I make more money so it just makes sense. Cameron is 18 months and things are going wonderfully!! He keeps a very busy schedule with Gymboree, playdates, gymnastics, etc and makes sure that Cameron has lots of socialization opportunities. Sometimes it cracks me up that he is the one calling all the moms to schedule the playdates. His playgroup wouldn't even exist if it weren't for him keeping it together.

[Shanna2]

Sometimes it cracks me up that he is the one calling all the moms to schedule the playdates. His playgroup wouldn't even exist if it weren't for him keeping it together.
:lol: This is Ray, too! It freaks my mom out that Ray is always out with a bunch of women. We live near the water, so lots of times the moms come over here to go to the beach. One of the dads was saying how strange it is to hear his wife say, "I'm going to the beach with Ray today."

[Nocona]

Me!

I'm Nocona and DH is Paul. He stays home during the day and works about 26 hours (2 evenings a week and weekends) at a call center. It works out well for us for now. We are currently TTC #2 with the plans for him to quit his job (we're putting all his earnings into savings now) around Christmas. We found another SAHD through our Parents as Teachers counselor and they have a playdate once a week (PLUS). They have a boy that is 4 1/2 months older than Matthew and another one on the way. The boys also go to preschool together 2 mornings a week (will be 2-3 in the fall).

It's working out pretty good so far. Paul tends to slack on the housework quite a bit. He doesn't want me to do it because he can get a lot done during nap time, yet he doesn't do it. A vicious cycle :lol:

[MtBikeLover]

Paul tends to slack on the housework quite a bit. He doesn't want me to do it because he can get a lot done during nap time, yet he doesn't do it. A vicious cycle :lol:
I've heard this too!! I said I didn't want to do any major cleaning because I want to spend the precious few hours every night with my family rather than cleaning (and he completely agreed). I brought up numerous times to get a housekeeper and he refused saying "I can do it!" Well after a month of the house being a total wreck, I said I was getting a housekeeper - no ifs ands or buts!! She only comes once a month, but it is so nice to have all the deep cleaning stuff taken care of.

My husband does do a great job of surface cleaning and he does all the laundry. I try to help out after Cameron goes to bed, but I am usually exhausted, especially being pregnant.

[Shanna2]

We have the same problems with the cleaning stuff, but he usually ends up getting it done. Now, ask me if it gets done the way I would like it done! :lol:

Being home on maternity leave I'm able to appreciate a little more how hard his job is. On the other hand, I remind myself of when I was working full time and 9 months pregnant and he would call to tell me that they were taking a nap. :rolleyes:

[Nocona]

I keep telling him I'm getting a house cleaner too :lol: He continues with the I'll do it crap :rolleyes: I found a cheap one, I just have to check out her references.

[Alyssa]

I'm here! :wavey: I hope we can stick to this thread...this SAHD thing can really be a major complicating factor in my life.

DH is home w/ both boys during normal working hours, and Aidan goes to school 2 mornings a week. From Sept/Oct-May/June, DH works anywhere from 2-5 hockey games a week as a ref (okay, linesman ;) ). During the off months, and lately just year round, he works tournaments and camps. What this means is I end up juggling work and getting home to the boys a lot, but thankfully I have a very understanding office and work I can do from home. (I'm a marketing manager for a software company.) DH is also a call firefighter (read: he gets paid :lol: ) and has trainings/meetings for that a few times a month then as many calls as he can/wants to go to.

The good thing in that is that he gets out of the house a ton and brings in money to boot...so while he's SAH days, it's more like we're on shifts. The bad things are that we never see eachother and there are tons of fights about who has it worse, housework, etc.

I am SO impressed by those of you whose DHs will go to playgroups. DH will NOT...I had to force him to take them to a community event this week with a children's singer. That was enough...he won't do any formal groups made up of mostly women! He'll consider classes, though, so we might go that route.

[MtBikeLover]

I am SO impressed by those of you whose DHs will go to playgroups. DH will NOT...I had to force him to take them to a community event this week with a children's singer. That was enough...he won't do any formal groups made up of mostly women! He'll consider classes, though, so we might go that route.
We started with Gymboree classes and there is a lot of socialization between the parents there. Once my DH got to know some of the parents, that is when they started talking about playdates. It took about 6 months of going to Gymboree classes though before he felt comfortable with playdates. SO get your husband signed up for classes NOW!!!

My husband gets as much enjoyment (if not more) out of the playdates than Cameron. It is really tough to be isolated with a baby all day long so he really enjoys the time he gets to talk to adults. Plus, he knows how beneficial it is for Cameron to learn the socialization skills. His days have become so busy that he has actually said he needs an organizer to keep track of everything!!:locolaugh

[Shanna2]

I'm here! :wavey: I hope we can stick to this thread...this SAHD thing can really be a major complicating factor in my life.

I am SO impressed by those of you whose DHs will go to playgroups. DH will NOT...I had to force him to take them to a community event this week with a children's singer. That was enough...he won't do any formal groups made up of mostly women! He'll consider classes, though, so we might go that route.
Have you looked into the YMCA? We joined when Leah was a little over a year, and it's the hub of their social activities. Ray works out while Leah goes to the playroom and they swim, go to Kid's Gym (like an indoor playground), etc. We also take classes there. The women Ray hangs around with are also members of the Y. He had a really hard time meeting people and felt like women avoided him like the plague. Depending on how nice your YMCA is, it can be great. I think we pay $55/month and that includes 2 hours of free babysitting every day.

We are always fighting about who has it worse. In fact, I sensed an argument starting today and decided to let it go. :lol:

[Nocona]

Paul was uncomfortable with all the "hens" (his term) but he finds ways to deal :lol: He doesn't go to places where it's just him and a lot of women. A school district by us has a program they went to on Fridays last year and he would opt out of the discussion groups (they'd bring in a speaker each week) and just hang out with the kids instead. That way Matthew still got the kid interaction.

[AmyP]

We're not in this situation, but DH has a coworker who is. Her DH is a SAHD to their two daughters, Jessica (around 4), and Jaclyn (almost 1), if I have my ages straight. He has run into a problems where he hasn't been "allowed" to participate in playgroups because it made the DH's of the other SAHMs nervous. These were playgroups in public places, like parks. :wtf:

DH couldn't believe he ran into trouble like that! He already told me that when I'm a SAHM, if I meet a SAHD, he has no problem with it if our kids want to play together. The weird thing is, when his coworker was complaining about this, one of the other guys said, "I'd have a problem with that too." DH just gave her a look of sympathy. Not much else he could do since we weren't even close to being parents yet.

Have any of your DHs had trouble with that?

[Nocona]

One woman's mom has a problem with it, but her husband doesn't. Her mom tells her it's just wrong that she is socializing with him :rolleyes:

[Alyssa]

I think it's very, very unlikely that my DH will give in and go to playgroups with the "hens" - also my DH's term. The good thing for him is that he's got a lot of night-time adult interaction...so while the days are not always easy, there is a regular outlet.

That said, he is willing to take the boys to classes (although we've not done this yet), and he'll briefly talk to the moms who pick up their kids at the same time Aidan needs to be picked up from school.

We haven't hit a situation where other women wanted him to not be there, but I know he feels like moms will look at him funny when he's out and the boys are being crazy - like "oh, look at that poor dad, he must not be used to this and he can't get the kids in line."

[Shanna2]

We haven't hit a situation where other women wanted him to not be there, but I know he feels like moms will look at him funny when he's out and the boys are being crazy - like "oh, look at that poor dad, he must not be used to this and he can't get the kids in line."
My DH says the same thing. I his case, they're probably right. :lol: I know one of the things he hates is that he feels like the other mothers look at him strangely if he talks to their kids at the playgrounds, etc.

DH really only has two moms he hangs around with, and both of the dads are fine with it. We would avoid people who weren't fine with it.

One of the things I really dislike is when people tell me how "lucky" I am that Ray stays home and how good he is with the kids, etc. We're both lucky that one of us stays home, but you don't see people patting women on the back to stay home! Also, I think he should be good with the kids because he's their dad. :) That sounds unappreciative, but you know what I mean.

[MtBikeLover]

That we know of, DH has not run into any problems with the other dads being jealous. And since he is the organizer of most of the playdates, they really can't tell me he can't go!! :) He has met 3 of them (two of the moms we are really close to and do a lot of family type activities together). There are about 5 others in the playgroup - though not all 8 moms/child ever go to the same playdate at the same time.

There is one woman that used to go to the playdates, and we have even met her husband, but my DH thinks that she has quit going. It does seem that her husband might be jealous, but we don't know for sure.

I think it is great that my DH has not run into any problems with other husbands jealousy, but I did expect it initially.

One of the things I really dislike is when people tell me how "lucky" I am that Ray stays home and how good he is with the kids, etc. We're both lucky that one of us stays home, but you don't see people patting women on the back to stay home! Also, I think he should be good with the kids because he's their dad. :) That sounds unappreciative, but you know what I mean.I am constantly saying that myself to other people - about how lucky I am that my DH stays home and how wonderful he is with Cameron. While you are right that all dads (and moms for that matter) should be good with their kids, the sad fact is that not all parents are good with their kids. My dad would have been horrible at raising me as a SAHD - he rarely ever talked to me. I am very glad that Cameron has a parent staying home with him that talks to him, nurtures him, leads him, and introduces him to new things. I wish that all kids could be so lucky. And I am the first to admit that my DH has much more patience than I do. I don't think I could be home all day, every day, without losing my patience sometimes.

[Nocona]

Ditto to everything you guys said :)

I'm not "lucky" that he stays home AND is good with Matthew :rolleyes: I'm lucky that he's a good daddy period. And he should be. I think they think he should be pat on the back for staying at home :crazy: and not because we make it work, but because he's not doing something that is a typical male thing. I don't think he should be getting extra pats on the back for that.

[MtBikeLover]

Everyone's been pretty quite lately - how is everyone doing?

I am very angry right now and just need to vent for a minute....

I just read in another thread comments from a few posters that Dads can not care for a child the way that a mom can and that Dads are always putting their needs before everyone else's.

I am so irked by these comments because it is just not true. Why do dads get such bad raps?!?!? My DH is a WONDERFUL father - better than a lot of moms I know.

Does this bother anyone else or am I just high on emotions right now due to the pregnancy?

Ok now that I have that off my chest, we found out that one of the moms in my DH's playgroup has been told by her husband that he doesn't trust her to go to playdates with my DH. Funny how we were just talking about this exact topic. it wasn't even the mom that we thought it was, but my DH had expected something was up because she was always wishy-washy when it came to accepting playdates.

[Shanna2]

Everyone's been pretty quite lately - how is everyone doing?

I am very angry right now and just need to vent for a minute....

I just read in another thread comments from a few posters that Dads can not care for a child the way that a mom can and that Dads are always putting their needs before everyone else's.

I am so irked by these comments because it is just not true. Why do dads get such bad raps?!?!? My DH is a WONDERFUL father - better than a lot of moms I know.

Does this bother anyone else or am I just high on emotions right now due to the pregnancy?
This always bothers me, too. My DH gets mad when he sees men characterized this way, but then I tell him about some of the stuff I read here and explain that not everyone is like him. :) A couple we know had a baby in March and the wife was telling me that the husband called her at the gym and told her to come home because the baby was crying! :jawdrop: My DH is way better with our toddler than our infant, but give me a break!

I have a question. . .

How does everyone handle "free" time (i.e. time out with your friends without kids, etc.) Do you get equal free time?

I always feel guilty leaving Ray with the girls after I've left them with him all day, even though I know that it's only fair for me to get out, too. Then, I end up resentful that he takes more free time than me to get out of the house. :banghead: