Spoiling???

[Bobbie]

Is anyone concerned about spoiling their child?

K is 19 months old, and we're already working on things such as following basic rules (no hurting others, no standing on chairs) and respecting others' property (she has a thing for the neighbors' garage). I'm sure we wouldn't give her everything she wants even if we were in a position to provide it. And yet, I sometimes wonder if there are things inherent in the lifestyle of an only child that lead to spoiling or a "the universe revolves around me" outlook. For example, I envision her being able to make more choices in our family than other children might because we have less people and more opportunity for her to do that.

And while I'm posting about spoiling, I have a handout on this topic from Kiaeryn's pediatrician. Apparently he distributes it to all parents, as we've never discussed our family planning intentions. Here are the first few paragraphs, FYI:


A "spoiled" child is undisciplined, manipulative and unpleasant to be with much of the time. He exhibits many of the following behaviors by two or three years of age:


doesn't follow rules or cooperate with suggestions
doesn't respond to No, Stop or other commands
doesn't know the difference between his needs and his wants
insists on having his own way
makes unfair or excessive demands on others
doesn't respect other people's rights
tries to control other people
has a low frustration tolerance
frequently whines or throws tantrums
The main cause of a spoiled child is a parent who gives the child too much power by failing to set limits and giving in to tantrums and whining. Such parents also tend to rescue the child from normal frustrations (waiting, sharing and not getting everything he wants, for example).

The reason some parents have difficulty setting limits is that they confuse the child's needs -- for things such as food and affection -- with the child's wants or whims -- for extra play or a later bedtime, for example. They do not want to hurt their child's feelings or cause him to cry. In the process, they may take the short-term solution of doing whatever prevents crying. In the long run, however, this approach only causes more crying.


Thoughts?

[TtownAnne]

Alot of those sound like normal two/three year old behavior, irrespective of only- child or one-of-multiple status!

[Bobbie]

Alot of those sound like normal two/three year old behavior, irrespective of only- child or one-of-multiple status!

I agree with that. Maybe they mean that parents can avoid prolonging these behaviors into later stages of development if they don't give in to them and start setting limits during toddlerhood? :scratch:

I'm not concerned about my daughter being spoiled as a result of us not providing limits and direction as I am about things that might just be inherent in the only child experience, does that make sense?

[Natalie]

I've been meaning to come here and respond I keep forgetting :blush

I think that for all of us, there may be a tendancy to indulge our little ones because we can afford it a bit more and there is only one child to direct our attention/spoils towards but I really don't know if that equates to spoiling.

I think that as long as whatever we give our child is given with an explanation of love as opposed to "you asked for this so I'm giving it to you to shut you up etc"

Is that sort of what you were getting at?
I dunno, I go by my DH's example who was raised as an only child and -trust me - is not at all spoiled. He is very down to earth and sincere. His parents didn't give in to his whims so I don't think being an only child equals spoilt.

[AahRee]

I agree with you, Natalie. My FIL is an only child, and is easily one of the most laid-back, mellow people I know. We have a certain restaraunt that DH and I love, and whenever MIL and FIL offered to take us out, we'd request to go there. We found out about 2 years later, after MANY trips there, that FIL hates that restaraunt. He never said a thing, but MIL mentioned it once to DH. If he were spoilt, he would have said something much sooner.

[Bobbie]

I've been meaning to come here and respond I keep forgetting :blush

I think that for all of us, there may be a tendancy to indulge our little ones because we can afford it a bit more and there is only one child to direct our attention/spoils towards but I really don't know if that equates to spoiling.

I think that as long as whatever we give our child is given with an explanation of love as opposed to "you asked for this so I'm giving it to you to shut you up etc"

Is that sort of what you were getting at?
It's been a long time since I've come back to this thread!

Natalie phrased my concerns well. Although I am still concerned about my child not developing an entitlement complex, it seems apparent that spoiling (or lack of limit-setting) is so much more a parenting issue than a product of family size. I think emphasizing that the material things and opportunities we have are blessings will set the right tone.

[bunkie68]

There's spoiling in the sense of being able to provide material things for your child, and then there's spoiling in the sense of acting in such a way as to give your child a sense of being entitled to things - "spoiled" vs. "spoiled brat." I grew up an only child, and I've had more than one person tell me, "Oh, you don't act like an only child." (What exactly is that supposed to mean?! :scratch: ) I never lacked for anything materially, and I probably got as many extras as my parents' budget could afford - heck, I got a new car when I graduated from high school. But my parents also made sure I knew that it was important to work for things and to respect the property and feelings of others. So sure, I hope to do as much for Julian in the material sense as I can. But I want him to know it's not something he has a right to, and that there will still be things I feel it's appropriate for him to work toward rather than just be given. In my book, "spoiled" is OK, "spoiled brat" is not. :)

[Jewel]

For example, I envision her being able to make more choices in our family than other children might because we have less people and more opportunity for her to do that.
Well, that's not spoiling, but simply an advantage of an only child. It's a pity that you don't want your daughter to gain any privileges out of her status. Siblings enjoy some advantages, too, why shouldn't your daughter have hers as an onlie? You are able to devote more attention to her than a mother of multiple kids can, you two have the money to fulfil a lot of her wishes (other parents would be happy) and of course she can play a more important role as your only child and make more choices than she could in a larger family - that's fine, I'd value these circumstances (and we absolutely do as a family) instead of suppressing them fearing that people might call your daughter "spoiled". There is no contradiction in being generous towards your child, especially materially (I agree with bunkie68), and showing her her limits, teaching her to respect others and to work hard... she's going to learn many of these things in life anyway.