I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

My daughter, Nichole, just turned two and there is a little girl across the street who is almost 2-1/2. Nichole and Lainee have played with each other for the past year and enjoy each other's company... until recently.

I noticed about two months ago that Nichole would get very cranky while playing with Lainee... she could be fine before and fine after, but CRANKY during. Then the hitting started... Nichole would escalate to the point that she would hit Lainee. I, of course, intervened and have used time outs, going inside, or a combination of the two as a consequence. Nichole genuinely appears remorseful (as much as a two year old can) but it always ends up the same way.

Even though I've always been present during their playtime, Lainee's mom and I usually chat. So.... I started watching more and looking for Nichole's triggers... and discovered that Lainee is SUCH the instigator!!!! She will watch Nichole to see what Nichole is going to do and run to snatch the toy away from her. Or she will offer Nichole a toy, and when Nichole gets to her to accept it, Lainee will snatch it away, saying, "No! It's mine!". Or she will instigate by saying, "MY Annie"... or "MY Chris", running up to me or Dh, knowing full well that Nichole will freak out... "No it's MY MOMMY!!!" She does this with Nichole's toys, too... I have seen her more than once looking around to find something she knows is Nichole's and run over to it, yelling, "MY bike!" or "MY slide!"

The bad thing is that we have an inground pool in our backyard, so we often play in front for safety reasons and Lainee has two huge dogs in their back yard, so they're always in front, too, so it's very difficult to avoid playing with them. I know that some people suggest putting away toys that the kids fight over, but 1) I don't think it matters... Lainee will choose ANY toy to irritate Nichole (she's even said, "MY grass!!" and "MY house"), and 2) I don't think it's fair to put all of Nichole's outdoor toys away just because Lainee is doing this... Nichole deserves toys to play with, too!

Lainee's mom only recently noticed how Lainee aggrevates Nichole (HER mom pointed it out to her)... but she doesn't do too much about it. In fact, at times she appears amused by it.

My Dh and I have taken to pretending we're taking Nichole inside for a time out, but when we get inside, we really talk to Nichole about how it wasn't nice for Lainee to tease, but that it wasn't nice for Nichole to hit, either. I don't ever want her to think it's okay to hit, but I do want her to know that I understand her frustrations. We talk to her about feeling mad. I've also taken to saying to her... in front of Lainee and her mom... "Tell Lainee to please stop teasing!" or "Tell Lainee to be nice to Nichole!"

What else can I do? I don't want to sound like the mom whose child is never at fault, but in most of these circumstances, I really truly do think Lainee is starting the problems! I don't want to make things difficult... like I said, they live right across the street and we live on a block that's a close knit community... but I need help!

Thanks for any and all suggestions!

Annie :biggrin:

I think you need to have a talk with Lainee's mom. Ideally, she can help create a bit of peace between the girls. Words like "taking turns" and "sharing" should be coming up regularly when 2yos are playing. I know that when my DD is playing with her friends, we moms say those things often enough that the kids have started telling each other as well.

If she isn't willing to participate, I think its time for a play date break. Explain to her (the mom) that Nichole's frustration level gets too high, and its time for a break until both girls are more able to express themselves.

Also... I don't think that Lainee is saying "mine" to instigate anything intentionally. Its the age, and most likely, Nichole will be getting there soon. My 26mo is very much in a "mine" phase. She will identify something as Mommy's only to turn around 2 seconds later (or less!) and declare that very same thing "mine".... or acknowledge it isn't *really* hers by demanding that it is "my turn" It can be very frustrating, but its only a phase... they are learning the limits of thier world and just starting to understand that things belong to people.

Words like "taking turns" and "sharing" should be coming up regularly when 2yos are playing. ]
We use these phrases regularly... something I forgot to mention. I guess I should also mention that the girls CAN play together for lengths of time before things start getting hairy... maybe it's when they get bored?? :dunno:

Also... I don't think that Lainee is saying "mine" to instigate anything intentionally. Its the age, and most likely, Nichole will be getting there soon.
I know this is a typical thing for this age... but I must say that I disagree where Lainee is concerned. She is an extremely bright girl and it is obvious that she is trying to instigate... I can't really explain it better than I have, but I've seen the "normal" "mine!" things (I'm a play therapist and work with a lot of toddlers) and I've seen what Lainee is doing... and it's MUCH different!

In that case, I think her mom definitely needs to step in.

If they can play together for a while before Lainee starts in, can you leave as soon as you notice it starting? If Lainee likes playing with Nichole and starts noticing that every time she starts antagonizing her she is taken away, it might help her change her mind about how much "fun" it is to do so. :dunno:

I very much understand where you are coming from in that I see much of this same behavior with my daughter and her best little friend that she plays with. Some of the time it is my daugther saying everything is "mine" and other times is it is Sara doing something that annoys Abby. I think much of it is the age, and while it is a little hard to deal with I think they begin to out grow some of it as they get older. Abby is 2.5 now and her friend Sara is 3 and Sara's mom and I have just decided that we are going to let the girls work it out for themselves (unless it is a big deal and then we tell both of them what they need to do ie: Abby you need to share your toy please). It has become kind of funny to the extent that when they play at the pool Abby has been pouring water on Sara. Sara gets mad and comes running saying "abby poured water on me" I have told Abby not to do it, it continues. Finally the other day Sara's mom and I just told Sara, if she does it again, pour water back on her..... :lol: great parenting but hey it worked. Abby got mad and there was no more water pouring. I guess my point is that some of it they are going to have to learn to work out for themselves...if not then they are never going to learn to deal with things they dont like in life etc. Plus, they need to learn to stand up for themselves etc. It is hard though, I know :)

Others may feel differently, but that is just my opinion.

In that case, I think her mom definitely needs to step in.

If they can play together for a while before Lainee starts in, can you leave as soon as you notice it starting? If Lainee likes playing with Nichole and starts noticing that every time she starts antagonizing her she is taken away, it might help her change her mind about how much "fun" it is to do so. :dunno:
I took too much time to post.....but with your follow up posts added I tend to agree with Sheila.....leave when it starts to get hairy.

I had to log off quickly to go to a meeting earlier... so I wanted to add something to my previous post. I also wanted to say that Nichole has a cousin who is just a bit older than Lainee, and as such, is still going through the "mine!" stage herself, but she and Nichole get along together great! There are hardly any arguments and never any hitting. Same with a little boy we know who is exactly 3 days older than Nichole... they play well together and his "mine"s (what I would consider "normal" 2 year old "mine") don't bother Nichole at all. She sometimes looks startled, and sometimes she takes the toy back and says "No, mine!" back to him, but it never escalates to hitting. They are easily redirected. So I really think there's more to what Lainee is doing than the typically terrible two's "mine".

If they can play together for a while before Lainee starts in, can you leave as soon as you notice it starting? If Lainee likes playing with Nichole and starts noticing that every time she starts antagonizing her she is taken away, it might help her change her mind about how much "fun" it is to do so. :dunno:
We try to do this... the hard thing is that I wish that it didn't impact Nichole so negatively, you know? I mean, when we're at Lainee's house, it's easy to just take her home and continue to play outside, but when we're outside at our house, the only alternative is to take Nichole in.... and she LOVES to be outside! It doesn't seem fair that Nichole gets "punished" for responding to Lainee's instigating.

I'm beginning to sound like a whiner! :lol:

Wendy... thanks for your thoughts... we do try to let the girls work it out on their own as often as possible, but they almost automatically turn to hitting now. It's hard to stand by and watch that... if it was a hit or two and then they were done, that would be okay, but it continues. Actually, similar to your water story, Lainee did not hit back initially. I had even said to her mom that I wished she would so Nichole could see what it felt like... but now, Lainee hits back and they just get into this huge non-stopping hitting match! :tearhair: It's necessary to step in...

I guess the bottom line is I need to talk with Lainee's mom... and I need to continue working with Nichole on alternative ways of expressing her anger and frustrations, realizing that she is only two... and I need to reassure her that I know that Lainee doesn't play nice sometimes.

Annie.. I don't have much advice, but I did want to commiserate. :bighug: We live across from 2 girls... Allie, who just turned 2 and Tarah who's 3 1/2. We call her Tarah the Terror. :rolleyes:

Lexie (2 1/2) and Allie play just great together, but whenever Tarah comes out, it can get ugly. So much that Allie's mom hates living next door to her because as soon as she steps foot outside, Tarah's there! :rolleyes:

Anyway, Tarah seems to do things on purpose too, but in our case it hasn't gotten to hitting yet. Once, Tarah was pushing the girls around in little strollers on the deck and she was ramming them into the house and she had this mean look in her eye, like she enjoyed it. :( We caught her and stopped her after we saw what she was doing, but it's just one example. Obviously her parents don't discipline enough and we try to make the same type of comments.. .like "Tarah, don't be mean" "That's not nice", etc. It's hard to have a face to face with the mother... at least to me, I feel like I shouldn't be butting in on her mothering... and I think Allie's mom feels the same way. It's hard to explain. The mom threatens Tarah with going inside but she never follows up on her threat... thus the problems continue. :disbelief

We don't know what to do ourselves! :scratch:

Annie- I know I am definitely not a Mom but I definitely think you have to bring this up with Lainee's Mom. You have to be careful of your words though because you don't want to start WWIII and it sucks not to get a long with your neighbor and the girls no matter what will want to play with each other even if they don't always get along. Good luck with everything! I know you will handle it great!

It's hard to have a face to face with the mother... at least to me, I feel like I shouldn't be butting in on her mothering... thus the problems continue. :disbelief We don't know what to do ourselves! :scratch:
This is exactly what I'm struggling with... Lainee's mom is a very good mom in my opinion, but we have very different parenting techniques with some things. I feel as if my approaching her is going to offend her somehow or insinuate that I think her parenting is not up to par... and I do NOT want to be the one who causes WWIII on our block. In addition to our community being closely knit comes the GOSSIP! I don't need that! :rolleyes:

But I have to do what's best for Nichole...

I'm going to see how this weekend goes... we've been able to avoid them for a few days and it's been great. Tomorrow we'll be outside in the backyard a lot getting ready for Nichole's b-day party... but Saturday, Lainee will be at the party. I wonder how that will go... I'm a bit nervous about it. I mean... how can I separate Nichole then? I can't really kick Lainee out! Well... I suppose I really can, but you know what I mean. I can see it now... Nichole's opening her gifts and every time she sees what it is, Lainee shouts out, "That's MINE!" ARGH!!!!!! LOL... I can say that in that case scenario, I really think her mom would take her home... she's not THAT passive!

In that case, you really can correct her that they are not hers. I know that when my nephew's little friend (a monster) comes over I tell her when she is wrong. Of course the mother just idley stands by when she should be disciplining her child! :banghead:

In that case, you really can correct her that they are not hers. I know that when my nephew's little friend (a monster) comes over I tell her when she is wrong. Of course the mother just idley stands by when she should be disciplining her child! :banghead:

ITA. I have no qualms about disciplining other kids in our home when their parents aren't doing their jobs.

Dennis

I just wanted to add.. maybe the reason why your daughter gets along better w/ your family's kids is because she doesn't see them as often... does this make any sense? Maybe the girls are seeing too much of eachother and Nicole (rightfully so) is getting tired of Lainee's behavior whereas she might put up w/ it a little more when the relatives are over? I don't know... my daughter acts differently in similar situations depending on who's present. Just a thought but I agree it would help to just have a casual chat w/ lainee's mom about it because its bothering you. It would bother me too.