Cussing in front of your kids

[TxTeacher]

I posted a thread in the Junk Drawer forum about cussing, and after reading many of the reponses, I wanted to bring up another side of the discussion, possibly for debate. I didn't want to get into arguments in the other forum, since I started that thread just to let people share their experiences, not to debate the morality of cussing. So, I thought I'd post a new thread here, since my concern/question has to do with cussing and parenting.

Like I said in the other thread, I've had to catch myself a few times from using bad words in front of my students when I got really upset/frustrated, but I've NEVER slipped and said a bad word in front of any student, and I've been working around children for about ten years now. Really, it's not a big deal for me to refrain from cussing at school, because I realize that those kids can easily pick up and repeat whatever they hear, sometimes without even understanding what the words mean. And I don't cuss so much that I can't control myself in certain situations when it's not appropriate.

However, many people were responding that they DO cuss in front of their own kids, and that friends/relatives do the same. But I'm wondering, if kids hear bad words at home, what's to stop them as they get older from bringing those bad words into school or friends' homes and repeating them in front of other adults and kids? (many of whom have parents who would be FURIOUS to find out their children were "exposed" to bad words.)

It's really unfortunate to hear little kids using foul language in school. In fact, it happened to me personally: I had a third grader call me a "punkass" after I got after him about not doing his work. Now, he could have picked that word up from TV, friends, etc., but the bottom line is, it is the adults' (especially parents') responsibility to make sure kids aren't exposed to foul language, or at least, reinforce the idea that it is not appropriate to use in certain situations, regardless of the source. I can do my part as a teacher to control bad language at school, but if parents cuss or allow cussing in front of kids at home, those children will still pick those words up and use them elsewhere, not just in the privacy of their own home. I may cuss a lot, but I make sure NOT to use such word in front of ANYone's kids, and I'd want the same respect for my kids if I had any.

It's one thing for us to cuss as adults, but I really hope we aren't teaching children to consider such words as appropriate or "no big deal". These words are still rude and vulgar (or else we wouldn't use them to insult, express anger, etc.) even if we don't think that kids should be sheltered from them completely.

So, what are your thoughts about cussing in front of kids? Remember, even if you only cuss in front of your own, many other people (us teachers included) will likely hear what your child has picked up outside of school. And we have an obligation to discipline children for using foul language at school; are you, as a parent, okay with that if you purposefully, knowingly use bad language in front of your child? Is it not a bit hypocritcal to think that using bad words is a bad habit, but still do it, even while expecting your child to NOT use those same words? Or, do you think that the f-word, s-word, etc. really aren't bad or inappropriate, so you honestly don't worry if your child says them?

I'm really interested, as a teacher who deals with kids who pick up bad habits outside the classroom, to hear what parents think about this. I'm not trying to insult anyone, but I realize this could be a sensitive topic, so please keep the debates/opinions respectful and don't judge anyone. :)

[Mary DK]

Lisa, my father cusses constantly... but when we were little my Mother always made it very clear that even though he did it that didn't mean that it was okay or that it would be tolerated for us to use that kind of language... she never used it so she not only told us what the rule was but she also followed it which it reinforced it for us and also I think that knowing what it felt to be called names made us realize the power of those words & how they would hurt somebody's feelings.
My hubby & I do not cuss in front of Eliot... actually thinking about it we don't cuss much at all but Eliot has definitely picked up a couple of words from other kids that we don't use in our home and we have made sure that he knows they're not nice words and that they might hurt other people... those words are "shut up" & "go away"... not totally awful words but we thought that it would be good for us to start letting him know about bad words & in this case how there are other words that he could use instead which would not be so offensive.
I really can't stand it when some parents say that it was the teachers falt b/c she didn't teach that child to respect or follow rules b/c I have always believed that especially that kind of education starts at home, teachers are great partners/helpers who help reinforce those rules but should not be the ones who have to set them.
Also, I believe that there are rules that are specific to the classroom and school and if parents are involved in their children's lives/school they will know them then they can make sure that their children are following them and reasurre what the teacher has taught them.
JMHO :)

[Theresa]

I almost never swear at all, so it's not much of an issue for me. I don't think it's ever acceptable to swear and just makes the swearer sound ignornant. (Please no one take offense.) I just think there are better ways of expressing yourself than spouting off swear words. And it really makes me mad when people use the name of Jesus Christ as a swear! That's my Lord and Savior whose name you're treating like dirt! :mad:

DH occasionally would swear in front of Ellie, but has stopped that since she's speaking so much now. He doesn't want her picking up those words either.

[Bev]

I rarely swear, particularly now I am in an office rather than the pen. Even then I only once in 12 years told an inmate to F-Off, and although he deserved it, I felt very unprofessional for saying it. I have used swear words sometimes to explain things to them 'on their level' so they 'get it' if that makes sense.

I try very hard not to use swear words at home and although I do allow Mason to say Go Away, I haven't used Shut Up or Stupid, which I think are also bad words. I think the worst words I've used when driving are Goof and Jerk and I don't think I should say those either.

My Dad once asked where I learned language like that, after I said a swear word, and I answered him with In the living room. Well, that shut him up! :lol:

I think most movies contain far too many swears and I particularly hate it if they use the F word when Hell would work just as well and sound far less vulgar.

[Bobbie]

I used to swear a lot, but now that K is starting to repeat words I rarely say anything more serious than "crap." I agree that swearing isn't the most intelligent sounding language and it's my job as a parent to model the way I'd like my child to speak to others. It's not hugely important to me to prevent children from ever hearing swear words -- after all, they'll pick them up from somewhere eventually and will quickly learn that some words seem to have a certain power. However, I definitely think it is parents' responsibility to explain that swear words are not appropriate in most settings, especially not in school, where swearing is against the rules and will get them in big trouble.

[Marcella]

I agree that swearing isn't the most intelligent sounding language and it's my job as a parent to model the way I'd like my child to speak to others. It's not hugely important to me to prevent children from ever hearing swear words -- after all, they'll pick them up from somewhere eventually and will quickly learn that some words seem to have a certain power. However, I definitely think it is parents' responsibility to explain that swear words are not appropriate in most settings, especially not in school, where swearing is against the rules and will get them in big trouble.I agree with this completely. I rarely swear anyway, so it's not so much an issue for me, but my DH does, and he's really working on minimizing it now that Amelia is getting older and could start picking up on words we say. Sure, they'll hear curse words anyway in the media, from friends, etc.. but I don't want my children to learn them from us, and think it's ok. As Bobbie said, I want them to learn from us that it's NOT ok, in most settings, to use that language. And I don't want us to be hypocrites, so it's VERY important to me that we not curse in our household (or at least very, very rarely, if ever).

[bunybomb]

but now that Kiaeryn is starting to repeat words I rarely say anything more serious than "crap."
Alex repeated "crap" when I said it in the car the other day. :eek: I was talking outloud and boy, was I surprised. Now, I'm not sure that someone else would have known what he said, but I did and I didn't like it.

I told my DH about it and he has made a noticable improvement of watching his mouth. His is much worse than mine.

[Brooke]

I try very hard not to cuss at all. I think that cussing makes people look and sound trashy and ignorant (my view only) and I don't want people to look at me that way.

DH cusses some, not as much as some people, but more than I'd like. He even says things like the dogs "shit and piss" not "pee and poop". He knows he has to watch what he says around all kids now. Luckily, Rebekah hasn't repeated anything he's said yet.

My biggest gripe is people who cuss loudly in public. It's usually a group of teenagers or young adults who don't seem to care that kids are around. My mom, Rebekah, and I were at Target recently getting a snack in their food court. One of the girls working there said a cuss word very loudly (can't remember which one, probably the f-word). My mom told me that we should report it to a manager and I think the other girl working there heard her. The other girl went and told the manager herself and then apologized to us for her co-worker's behavior.

[happysmileylady]

We cuss and we do it in front of Caiti. However we have made her very very aware that it's not something that kids do. They are adult words only, just like adult drinks (alcohol) or adult movies (rated R movies). If something is an adult whatever, that means it's only for grown-ups and she cannot say it or drink it or watch it. This is the way it's always been and we have never had a problem with her repeating anything. We feel that its one of those things that kids just have to learn is for adults only and they won't be able to do it until they are an adult.

[jstauffer]

I don't cuss in front of my kids. DH sometimes slips and does, but we really try not too. I know later on they're going to pick it up from somewhere. But for now, I just would be REALLY embarrassed if my 3 year old went around swearing. I would be absolutely mortified.

[Theresa]

My biggest gripe is people who cuss loudly in public. It's usually a group of teenagers or young adults who don't seem to care that kids are around. My mom, Rebekah, and I were at Target recently getting a snack in their food court. One of the girls working there said a cuss word very loudly (can't remember which one, probably the f-word). My mom told me that we should report it to a manager and I think the other girl working there heard her. The other girl went and told the manager herself and then apologized to us for her co-worker's behavior.

I definitely would have reported this. That is never acceptable from someone working at a store!

[Melissa]

I was a teacher before Katie was born and so I knew how to "shut off" my foul mouth. I didn't slip in front of my students, I think I said damn once and my HS students said, "OMG, you just swore for the first time in front of us." They then told me that their other teachers swear a lot more! :jawdrop:

Right now, since Katie is only 9 months, I swear a bit, but only out of exasperation (as in "oh sh*t"). My mom claims that that will probably be Katie's first word. I'm sure when her babbles become more words I'll clean it up. But like happysmileylady, I'll tell my children that there are some words that only grown ups can say.

As for my own experience, well you could tell when bills were being paid, taxes done, or my dad was home because there was swearing. There was one day that I figured out how to spell sh*t (I was 4 at the time). So I taught my younger brother to spell it. We kept writing it on paper and giving it to my dad. We couldn't figure out why he didn't like us writing that word down! :lol: That's when he said, "there are words that your mom and I can use, but you can't."

I didn't actually swear until I was in 4th grade, but never in front or TO a teacher or in front or TO my parents. I didn't actually swear in front of my parents until I was 17 or so. Much like drinking in front of my parents, it felt really weird at the time.

[TxTeacher]

Right now, since Katie is only 9 months, I swear a bit, but only out of exasperation (as in "oh sh*t"). My mom claims that that will probably be Katie's first word. I'm sure when her babbles become more words I'll clean it up. But like happysmileylady, I'll tell my children that there are some words that only grown ups can say.


That's a good idea in theory; like the saying goes: "Do as I say, not as I do". However, I think most of us agree that we teach our children VOLUMES by our actions, not words. It's very confusing for children to understand why some words are so bad that they can't say them, even while they hear adults spouting them off. I know you can use the same logic for drinking alcohol or smoking, but only with younger kids, when they really can't get access to such things. Once they're older, however, there is a very good chance that children who saw their parents drink or smoke a lot (as in everyday) will inevitably want to try it, and will be able to find a way to get ahold of such items. And then, just trying to cover that possibility by telling them that certain things are only okay for adults is not going to be a good enough excuse. And to be fair to the kids, it really isn't; smoking, drinking, and cussing aren't really "good" for adults, for that matter, and yet people do those things, thinking that their children aren't picking up on their actions and habits.

[happysmileylady]

That's a good idea in theory; like the saying goes: "Do as I say, not as I do". However, I think most of us agree that we teach our children VOLUMES by our actions, not words. It's very confusing for children to understand why some words are so bad that they can't say them, even while they hear adults spouting them off. I know you can use the same logic for drinking alcohol or smoking, but only with younger kids, when they really can't get access to such things. Once they're older, however, there is a very good chance that children who saw their parents drink or smoke a lot (as in everyday) will inevitably want to try it, and will be able to find a way to get ahold of such items. And then, just trying to cover that possibility by telling them that certain things are only okay for adults is not going to be a good enough excuse. And to be fair to the kids, it really isn't; smoking, drinking, and cussing aren't really "good" for adults, for that matter, and yet people do those things, thinking that their children aren't picking up on their actions and habits.I disagree. I disagree for two reasons. The first is purly from personal experience in that it didn't work that way for me-my parents drank on a regular basis (not alcoholic, but my dad would have a beer with dinner, my mom would have some wine coolers on weekends etc), but I did not try alcohol until after I had Caiti, and then it was because my parents gave it to me on new years eve (figuring that if I am old enough to be a parent, I am old enough to drink) I also disagree because I think it's important for children to realize that they don't get to make their own choices until they are adults. That goes for more than just drinking or smoking or whatever. It goes also for working full time, voting, driving (though that's at 16 rather than 18), and many other things. There are going to be lots of things in the world that they will see whether their parents do them or not, I think it's important for them to realize that just because they see adults doing them it doesn't mean that kids get to do them too.

[Theresa]

I agree with Lisa. If you don't want your kids to say something, you shouldn't say it either. I really don't think it's fair to hold your children to a higher standard than you hold yourself.

[TxTeacher]

I disagree. I disagree for two reasons. The first is purly from personal experience in that it didn't work that way for me-my parents drank on a regular basis (not alcoholic, but my dad would have a beer with dinner, my mom would have some wine coolers on weekends etc), but I did not try alcohol until after I had Caiti, and then it was because my parents gave it to me on new years eve (figuring that if I am old enough to be a parent, I am old enough to drink) I also disagree because I think it's important for children to realize that they don't get to make their own choices until they are adults. That goes for more than just drinking or smoking or whatever. It goes also for working full time, voting, driving (though that's at 16 rather than 18), and many other things. There are going to be lots of things in the world that they will see whether their parents do them or not, I think it's important for them to realize that just because they see adults doing them it doesn't mean that kids get to do them too.
Again, this is a good idea in theory, but children very often mimic what they see and hear, regardless of whether they're told NOT to do it. It might not happen with all children in all situations, but I just don't like the idea of telling them not do things that could be harmful or inappropriate, then turn around and do those very things RIGHT in front of them. Sure, most children will understand that some things they'll have a chance (and the right) to do once they get older, but something like cussing is very easy to mimic without even really thinking about; they know they've heard the words, and if they get frustrated or mad, they may say such things without stopping to reason with themselves: "Oh, I can't say that word until I'm adult." IMO, it's best not to even expose to children to things you'd rather not have them do, at least not on purpose in environments you as the parent can control, if you want to be sure you're not doing anything to encourage unwanted behavior.

Again, just my opinion, speaking as someone who sees how children bring what they see and hear at home to the classroom.

[Kris]

I agree with Lisa. If you don't want your kids to say something, you shouldn't say it either. I really don't think it's fair to hold your children to a higher standard than you hold yourself.
I agree whole heartly with this statement.

I will not cuss in front of my kids as I don't want them to cuss. I think it is a too complex decision for an under 2 year old make.

My child is 22 months

[MelissaM]

I am of the opinion that parent = ROLE MODEL. Once we take on the position of a parent then we also take on a position as a role model of good behavior. My children learn some basics of social behaviour just by watching me - they learn respect, loyalty, integrity, politeness and love simply by watching how I behave around others and how I interact with THEM as well as with other people. Cursing and swearing is no different - it is, by and large, something that I would not want my children to do...and seeing as I am not better than or more priviledged than them, they will not hear me swearing in front of them, or other people.

[Connie1222]

I agree with Lisa. If you don't want your kids to say something, you shouldn't say it either. I really don't think it's fair to hold your children to a higher standard than you hold yourself.
I totally agree with this as well! I do curse quite a bit and so does DH, but since Jack started talking, we don't curse in front of him at all. It's sometimes hard, because the times I do curse, it's out of frustration or a knee jerk reaction. I've started using substitute words though and that helps alot, for instance saying "sugar" instead of sh** ior fooey instead of f**k.

I hate people who curse loudly in public too! A few weeks ago we went out to eat and we were seated near the bar, there was a group of younger guys hanging out and they were cursing loudly and within earshot of Jack and my (older) stepson. We were getting really angry and finally DH went up and asked them nicely to watch their language as they were surrounded by young kids.

[Melissa]

The thing is though, we CAN'T shelter our children from everything. We can try to be the best role models that we want to be, but our children will hear swear words eventually. Whether is from a movie, a friend, or even just out in public. IMO, if something was never brought up to a child as wrong or taboo and a friend does it, that thing becomes even MORE cool to do or say.

An example is guns. There are many schools of thought on this, never show or even mention guns to a child and they will never be curious about them OR show them guns, explain to a child about guns and the rules about guns are two of them. There have been many news articles regarding this issue and even the best trained children who are told to never touch guns, always tell an adult about guns are curious about the guns and will touch them and play with them, and even LIE when asked by an adult regarding the guns.

My father taught my brother and me about guns. He showed us how they worked, how to aim and shoot. He also gave us the rule that you CAN'T point a gun at someone unless you absolutely mean to kill that person. After I was allowed to shoot a gun a few times, my curiosity was gone and I haven't touched a gun since.

I agree teaching a 2 year old the difference in what they can say and do is difficult, but they will learn that is not appropriate if you are consistent, just like mom and dad can cook on the stove, but the 2 year old can't.

There are MANY things that my child will grow up knowing that they have to reach a certain age before they are allowed to make the decision to do or not.

Cooking on the stove
Taking a dog for a walk or letting a dog out to relieve itself
Staying overnight at a friends
Lighting a fire/candle
Crossing the street without holding my hand
Riding a bike out of our yard/driveway
Riding a bike out of our neighborhood
Watching a PG movie, then watching a PG-13 movie, and then a rated R movie
Being able to stay home alone during the day
Babysitting


I can list many other things that won't potentially cause harm such as: wearing make-up, shopping for their own clothes, dating, etc.... that I will tell my child that she can't do until she reaches a certain age or maturity level. Am I holding my child to a "better" standard? No not really, I'm just making sure that she's old enough before I allow her to do certain activities.

[Kris]

Melissa (captain_hug99) Some of your points I agree with.

I think if you curse in front of kids they will think it is ok for them to do as well. I agree somewhat with your theory on guns but to me the difference is that the gun is stored up high and away from kids and they see it occasionally when brought out but swearing isn't something that can be stored away per se. I don't know what age is appropriate (sp?) but I know my chid (22 months) is too young to understand why she can say one word but not another especially since her language is just now developing and she is repeating every word I say. I don't swear anymore not part of my routine so not really an issue to me.

I am not very good at typing out what I am trying to say hence the reason you hardly see me in debate threads. I often times come across misunderstood.

I agree with Melissa( the other Melissa) we as parents are role models for our kids. I need to model the behavior I want my daughter and son to act like.

Yes they will learn these other words and stuff from school or elsewhere but it is my job to model behavior etc.

[TxTeacher]

Melissa (captain_hug99)
Yes they will learn these other words and stuff from school or elsewhere but it is my job to model behavior etc.
Precisely. Parents and guardians have the responsibility, above any other adult that the child will be in contact with, to set a standard of behavior and model what they want their children to see and do. It's not my job as a teacher to introduce the concept of right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, to your child when he/she starts school; some of those basic concepts should have been taught long before a child is school-aged. I can do my part to prevent children from cussing at school, but I only have children in my care for part of the time, and I can't control who they play with or what they watch outside of class; it's not my ethical or legal responsibility to do so.

I don't think that, in the case of swearing, by NOT doing you make a child more likely to want to try it. If your child simply does not hear you say those words, he/she isn't going to miss out on anything, and I don't believe he/she will wonder why you don't cuss or ask you why you never say the word "sh*t". :lol: With some things adults may be able to say "I can do this because I'm an adult", but I don't think we should ever teach children that they can cuss--and it will be acceptable--once they're adults. IMO, there's really never an appropriate time to do it, and I'll admit that when I do cuss myself, I realize it sounds bad and there's no excuse for it. I'd simply rather not purposefully introduce those words to my child, then have to turn around and try explaining why they can't say those words "until they're older", because quite frankly, I DON'T think it's okay to cuss once you're older simply because you can. It's a bad habit, like smoking, that ideally people wouldn't get into in the first place, and certainly they shouldn't treat it like it's no big deal when/if their kids start mimicking the behavior.

Gun safety is different, because it's a life or death situation, and if you have guns around, you can't afford to hope or assume that the child won't be curious about what's in that locked box. However, I really can't fathom how, if a gun is properly secured, locked, and out of sight, a child can still get access to it. In pretty much any situation involving what a child is exposed to, if a parent takes all necessary and reasonable precautions, and takes them seriously, the risk of exposure is reduced greatly, and that's all we can expect of ourselves. I realize it's impossible to avoid all possible exposure to cuss words, but parents can do a lot by themselves to reduce the likelihood, and I think they should, if they truly are concerned about the language their children use. It's one thing for a child to repeat a bad word without really thinking, or to only use it once, but if a child is constantly calling people names or using bad words when frustrated, then there's obviously a lot of exposure to such words going on somewhere.

The reason I started this thread was because I saw a lot of people admitting that they DO cuss in front of their kids, but then they'd also say in the same sentence that they hope or don't want their children to repeat those words. To me, that kind of "logic" really isn't. :awink: I also wonder if there are any people who really don't see cussing as a problem; if they don't, then I guess they wouldn't be as concerned with using those words in front of their kids. However, I hope they realize that it's pretty much inevitable that their children will say those words in front of SOMEone who will have a problem with cussing, and many people will frown upon such language.

[Linda]

Well, you can all curse me! Mine are the kids that will probably take the language to the playground and teach all your kids.

I try not to swear around the kids, but I have to admit that sometimes (a lot) I just LOSE IT! Mostly during the "trying to get out of the house and get to school on time" times or the "because I'm your mother and I said so times". I have cleaned it up a bit, using "freakin' " and "shoot" but sometimes (a lot), I lose my temper and then I lose my ability to clean up my language. Also my work place is really bad for swearing, but there are no children there and usually the language is sort of a :wtf: or a:bs: type of thing.

Having said that, the worst I have ever heard my kids say is "shut up" and I only say that at home when referring to the dog (or more frequently the neighbours dog), so they hear from me when I hear that and they usually say be quiet or hush it up or something along those lines. I did think it was funny when Walker was about 2 and I was in a "mood" and for the whole rest of the day when something went wrong he'd say "dammit". He didn't know I thought it was funny, and I've never heard him say it since.

[abpmills]

We don't cuss in general and never would cuss around Hayden. The other day I said dang and felt horrible when he repeated that. I don't want anything even resembling a "bad word" coming out of his mouth. If he hears it out in public, I can't help that, but can only tell them that it is wrong. I don't want him to hear things like that coming out of my mouth...I want to set the example.

Angela

[Melissa]

Well I want to clear a few things up about my original post. Since the original post mentioned school age children, that is the age group that I had in mind when I posted that "do as I say, not as I do." And yes, it does work, but after thinking about it some more I realized why I never swore AT someone or in public, my parents never did!

Even though they would swear at home, it was usually in exasperation over something, such as putting something together, doing bills or taxes; or while driving and someone cut my parents off. Even when they got very angry at someone, they wouldn't resort to foul language, at least not in front of me. So that taught me a lot of when it was OK to use swear words. Which is probably why I never used that language in public.

[Karri]

Well I am one of those people who swear in front of my children. Often, I just use them adjectives. However, I do NOT swear in front of other people's children.
Anyway...I grew up with parents who dropped a few swaer words here and there. Never towards us, but in conversations with each other. NOT ONCE did I ever think of saying those words in school, in front of my parents, or in public. I never started swearing till I was an adult. I guess I always knew that it was something....like alcohol..that I had to wait for.