With issues related to your child(ren), who makes the decisions? Do you make *all* your decisions jointly, or are there things that are decided by one or the other parent exclusively?

I'm talking about ALL decisions - from what school they attend, to when to potty train, to what clothes to wear, to what food they eat.

I'm asking this because I chose to have my daughter's ears pierced today. She wanted them, I wanted them, and DH didn't want them. I did it, anyway. I didn't think it was *that* big a deal, and I didn't think it was one of those big decisions that needed to be made jointly, so I did it. He's extremely mad at me, but she loves them.

He had basically dictated to me that our daughter WILL go to public school (I'd like to at least consider homeschooling, but he's adamant about the issue) and he was (apparantly) very determined that she wouldn't have her ears pierced. However, he's said repeatedly that decisions regarding our DD's care are essentially mine to make. He left it up to me to decide which vaccines she got (which, to my thinking, is a much bigger decision!), and I always choose her clothes, shoes, etc. He'd be irritated if I dragged him along to shop for any of that, actually. I see earrings as an extension of her clothing, but even if she winds up hating them when she gets older (which is, I think, the reason he didn't want them done), she can always take them out. So, to me, this wasn't a big decision, and certainly not one that required two parents to make.

What do you think? Do you consult your DH/DW about all decisions related to parenting, or are there some things you do on your own?

I make most of the decisions. Not because my DH doesn't care, but because he is confident in my decisions. He knows I am more educated on most child-related issues and trusts me to make the best decisions. *I* never thought earrings were a big deal, but I do realize it's a big deal to some people. That's why when I wanted to get Gabrielle's ears pierced, I asked his OPINION (not permission). He was wishy-washy (for the same reasons as you DH I think), but he left it up to me. There are very few issues he feels strongly about. Those are the things we discuss. Usually we agree or at least come up with some sort of compromise, actually all the time so far. But I know there will come a time we don't agree, and I really believe that he will defer to me because he trusts that I (usually) know what I am talking about and I research things.

For the day-to-day stuff, I make most decisions because I am the one with her all day, so it has to be stuff I can live with/deal with/not want to throw myself under a bus about. So that includes clothing/shoes, potty training, food (although he's completely paranoid that she's not eating enough healthy stuff, but refuses to assist in setting an example :rolleyes: , so that voids him from the decisionmaking on that one), stuff like that. He didn't really care about earrings, but when I told him how special my mom made it for me and I wanted to do it for her that way, he was fine with that. He would prefer that she attend private schools all the way through, but I have researched the elementary schools in our area quite thoroughly and I think public elementary school would be just fine and help save the money for bigger educational expense later - he said we'll figure that out as time gets closer. So for the big stuff, we share information, and for the daily stuff he pretty much goes my way because I'm the one handling it all day.

I make most of the decisons as well, because I'm just more informed and more likely to go looking for info on things relating to Jack. I do discuss big things with DH, but there are few things he is absolutely adament about.

We pretty much do everything jointly. We don't discuss every little thing, but we know how each other feels about things (and we agree on most :) ) so neither of us is going to do something we know the other won't be happy about. Mary did leave the decision on whether Joe would be circumcised to me. And I leave the clothes buying up to her - she enjoys it a lot more (especially buying stuff for Frances) and she's much better at keeping track of what they have and what they need.

Anne, I agree with your DH that ear piercing is a major thing. However, given that he leaves so many other things up to you (I agree with you that vaccinations are a bigger issue), I don't think it's fair for him to complain about you making this decision. If he is going to pick and choose where he wants to give his input, I don't see how you're supposed to know which things he wants to be involved in.

Dennis

Well, I guess I make most of the decisions just because I'm here to make them while DH is at work. I don't think we've really had to make any major decisions yet, but when we do, I think we'll do it together. I really like having my husband's input and would not feel good about doing anything that he disagreed with. That's just me though.

I wouldn't think a guy would care that much about earrings - maybe you could just explain that you didn't understand just how against them he was. Good luck!

Oh, I'm not too worried about DH. He said he'll get over it. He just needs a little time. I'm more curious about how the decision-making happens in other families. I thought I had a pretty good handle on what was important to DH and what wasn't, and had the leeway to make a judgment call about the earrings thing, but apparantly I misunderstood him. :dunno: Generally, I'm pretty good at figuring out what is important to him and what isn't. Anyway, there are SO many things that he doesn't want to input on, that it was a suprise he felt so strongly about this.

I wonder if the decision-making is shared more in families where both spouses work, and in families where one spouse is at home, the majority of decisions fall to the at-home spouse? :dunno:

Anne ~ My DH is terrible about setting a good eating example, too. He asks me what I've fed Katie in a day, but he'd eat pizza 24/7 if it were up to him. :lol:

i make all the decisions. i 'run them by' marc to make him think i'm actually asking for his input :lol: but generally we are of the same mind regarding parenting (read:old school) so we don't butt heads often.

i do throw out a lot of hypothetical situations in advance, for instance i did ask him his stance on ear piercing should we have a girl. he said no. so i won't do it, but only because it's not something i feel i should make into an issue with him kwim?

I think we're very similar to Anne (ttownAnne). I make most of the day-to-day decisions.. clothes, toys, food, weaning her to the sippy, etc. The bigger decisions we'll discuss, and fortunately we have agreed on most so far. Earrings are a big deal to both of us, and fortunately we both agree to not do it until she's much older. We both want private schools (if our budget will allow), we both were in agreement with immunizations, etc.

:nod: I make most of the day to day decisions as I'm with them all the time. I decide when to potty train, ween off of bottles, binkys, clothing, food. Basically because I'm with them so much more I feel I know better than DH when they're ready for different things and DH has no problem with that. Earring though is a big issue, I want Emily's ears peirced (Becca's are but she my ex-H wanted them done also) DH however is set against it till she can ask. He doesn't want to inflict any sort of pain on her while she is not knowing what to expect so I respect that and won't do it till she's old enough to ask :nod: Big decisions are made jointly though. Schooling, activites outside of the home, etc.

We really do everything jointly...so far we've never disagreed on anything so it hasn't been an issue... He helps me in picking out what clothes to buy (and when it comes to special occasions he is very picky about what dress Janelle gets...we spent 3 weeks looking at/for Easter dresses) but I'm the one who dresses them and knows what they need...He also picks out Janelle's food since he does most of the grocery shopping, I just choose what to give her that day...stuff like that.

Clothes I do on my own. Food we each do on our own (although we reached agreement on what things he can and can't have to eat). Almost everything else we decide together -- weaning from bottle, CIO, bedtime, potty training. I actually agree with your husband about the ear piercing. To me, that is fairly major as it entails an alteration of a body part, and I would be very upset if my husband did that or even got Matthew's haircut without discussing it with me.

I wonder if the decision-making is shared more in families where both spouses work, and in families where one spouse is at home, the majority of decisions fall to the at-home spouse? :dunno:



Well, we both work right now and I'm still making most, if not all the decisions. I was home with Jack until he was almost 2, so I feel I know better anyway! BUT, that said, I do discuss things like potty training and when to wean from the binky with DH, since he picks Jack up from school most days, he needs to implement the decisions and if he's got a problem with something, we'll need to talk it out. As for feeding Jack when they get home, I give DH specific instructions: no chocolate milk or snacks before dinner, must have at least one veggie, NO chocolate milk or cookies if he did not eat dinner, etc.

I make most of the day-to-day decisions, including clothing, daycare, food, schedules, etc. Like Kim, I run things by dh, just to get some input - but I've usually made the decision already. :lol:

We're on the the same page about most things, so it's not like I'm overriding him in any way. We do discuss the big stuff: schooling, discipline, etc. :)

Most everything is my decision. I am with her everyday and I also research kid/baby related stuff more. He enjoys taking her clothes shopping and stuff like that from time to time, though.

The things we consult(ed) on: schooling (although we're on the same page normally), ear piercing, or anything that costs a lot of $$.

For the big decisions -- i.e., ear piercing, what school she'll go to, etc., we do that stuff together and try to agree on it mutually. I'm the one who decides what she'll wear, because DH is just awful about putting colors together. I'm the one who decides when she'll eat and when she'll be bathed, and he helps me out once I've asked him to.

I usually run most things by him -- I figure that I didn't make her myself, so he should have a say in anything he has an opinion about. If he was extremely against something, I wouldn't feel right about doing it anyway. I'm the major caregiver, but she's not just my daughter.

I would say that for the most part, I make the decisions. I am the one who does the research and whatnot, so I do fill him in, but he just doesnt feel strongly about most things, so I make the call. For the most part, we are on the same page about things. Do I make decisions w/o consulting him? Most definately. But if its something big, I will run it by him w/ my reasoning.

I would say that for the most part, I make the decisions. I am the one who does the research and whatnot, so I do fill him in, but he just doesnt feel strongly about most things, so I make the call. For the most part, we are on the same page about things. Do I make decisions w/o consulting him? Most definately. But if its something big, I will run it by him w/ my reasoning.
This pretty much describes us, too.

I would say that for the most part, I make the decisions. I am the one who does the research and whatnot, so I do fill him in, but he just doesnt feel strongly about most things, so I make the call. For the most part, we are on the same page about things. Do I make decisions w/o consulting him? Most definately. But if its something big, I will run it by him w/ my reasoning.
Ditto to exactly this...I'm the one more knowledgeable about all things baby, I guess, and as it stands now, he agrees without question my reasons for doing most (I'd say about 99%) of the child-related things I do. Fortunately, we have not yet been in a position to make any sort of life-altering decisions about our children; if we were, I suspect that he would do his own research to make sure we were making the right choice, rather than just taking my word for things.

I somehow think this balance of parenting decisions will shift when our children are older. We both have very strong, different feelings about education (public vs. private school) based on our own upbringing, and while I'm confident that the decision we reach together will be the absolute best for our children, I'm thinking that things might get kinda hairy in the process...:disbelief

My first thought was, "we make all decisions jointly" - but then I realized that's not true at all, really. I make most decisions since I'm with the kids most of the time. But Shawn and I talk about the big picture often enough for me to feel that decisions are really made together. Since he and I share the exact same parenting philosophy, and since we are in complete agreement about the big stuff (discipline, schooling, feeding, sleeping, communication, etc), I never have to wonder whether he'd disagree with anything I decide - I'm always certain he'd make the same decision if he were in my place.

When it comes to clothing ,food, her schedule etc., I am the primary decision maker.When I ask him he usually says it is my decision so generally I do things without asking. She is young right now so we haven't had any major issues to decide upon but as she gets older the major decisions will hopefully be joint decisions. As for earrings, DH already asked me if I planned to get her ear pirced young since my mom did mine when I was a baby. I could tell he waas very relieved when I said that I wanted to wait until she ws older.

Well I am going to be really honest...and for those of you that know me...you will also know that this is true.

I make all of the decisions when it comes to the kids. ALL of them...I run things by James and make sure that he has no beef with anything, but quite honestly...if he did it wouldn't make a big lot of difference to me. If he had insisted, for example, on having Jacob circumsized I would have forbidden it. And that would have been the end of the story. Same thing goes for most major things like CIO (NO) spanking (GOD NO) and well...pretty much everything else.

If Jennifer wants her nose pierced for example (something she has been hinting around at) then I'll go with her to have it done...James (nor her bio-father may I add) really has no say in the matter.

Gosh...when you write it down, it sounds worse than it is...:lol: I am really not so dictatorial...just very...umm....territorial when it comes to the children.

Melissa, I'm with you 100%, except for on the circumcision thing. I'm 100% against it, and if DH didn't care one way or the other, I wouldn't want to do it. But if he was adamant about it, I think I'd let it be his final decision, because it's something he knows more about on a personal level (obviously... since I don't have the equipment to be circumcised! :lol: ) Fortunately, since we don't have a boy, it's a non-issue for us. :)

I would say that for the most part, I make the decisions. I am the one who does the research and whatnot, so I do fill him in, but he just doesnt feel strongly about most things, so I make the call. For the most part, we are on the same page about things. Do I make decisions w/o consulting him? Most definately. But if its something big, I will run it by him w/ my reasoning.
:nod: Things like clothing, books...those I'll buy without ever discussing with him. But when it comes to major things (that relate to education, discipline, etc.) I do most of the research, but I run them by him before implementing anything (and often make him read at least part of the book, or whatever, I've used to come to a decision, so he can get both my take, and the thoughts of the original author). For things like that, we both need to be on the same page if we're going to be consistent.

This is a GREAT question.

As for which foods to introduce when, I went with my pediatrician's advice. For the day to day food decisions, I make them since DH is at work 60-70 hours a week. There just isn't TIME to ask him what he thinks.

As for clothing, whomever feeds Katie breakfast changes her into her day clothes. Sometimes I'll question a choice that my DH makes due to weather, but that's it. He'll actually pick up clothes for Katie every once in a while.

For the other big questions (piercing, circumcision, schooling, dating) I know we agree on what we want to do. We talked about those things together before any decisions were made.

As for money and how we spend it, we have a per item limit of $100. We'll discuss any major purchases before we make them (excluding gifts, but we do talk about how much we want to spend on each other/other people). Plus, we're both avid researchers and love trying to find the best deal.

My mother-in-law makes the decisions. :devil: ABSOLUTELY NOT, but ohhh, she would like to.

We make most parenting decisions jointly, however since I am usually the one researching any given issue and basically making a presentation of options to DH, I am often able to make a strong case for what I feel is best. But he's also brought a lot of good ideas to the table. Sometimes we're in perfect agreement, sometimes we debate and compromise. The little stuff we generally run by each other after the fact. In our dynamic, pierced ears would definitely be discussed ahead of time, as this is something done to the body.

DH and I pretty much agree on almost everything, so I feel confident in making most of the decisions myself. Plus I research a lot more on things, and he trusts me to make those decisions, like vaccines, etc. Major stuff we discuss, but we usually agree anyway. The only things we've disagreed on were circumcision (I wasn't sure I wanted it done, but I left it up to him since like someone else said - I don't have the parts to be circumcized) and CIO (I was totally against it but one night we were up for the third or fourth time that night and I was sleep-deprived and cranky. DH got mad at me for going back in to get Jason so we got into a fight about it. I eventually decided that I couldn't go on living like that, so we might as well try CIO since he was crying so much anyway. Within 3 days he started going to bed without a whimper and staying asleep all night. So DH won that one). We agree on the major stuff for the future too. Now if this next baby is a girl we'll have a lot more problems... We've already talked about if it's a girl then what age can she start dating, wearing makeup, etc. and he wants to be a lot more strict than I do.

We really do everything jointly...so far we've never disagreed on anything so it hasn't been an issue... He helps me in picking out what clothes to buy (and when it comes to special occasions he is very picky about what dress Janelle gets...we spent 3 weeks looking at/for Easter dresses) but I'm the one who dresses them and knows what they need...He also picks out Janelle's food since he does most of the grocery shopping, I just choose what to give her that day...stuff like that.
Just change the names of this kids and this is us!! :lol:

I think alot of this has to do with the fact that he was a SAHD for quite a while. Funny, ear piercing is a BIG issue in our house right now. I want Sarah's pierced, Sarah wants them pierced (she's 5.5), but DH doesn't. Since I know that this is something he is VERY adamant about, I have not persued it. However, it WILL happen sooner than her 21st birthday, as he would like to believe. :crazy:

I would say that for the most part, I make the decisions. I am the one who does the research and whatnot, so I do fill him in, but he just doesnt feel strongly about most things, so I make the call. For the most part, we are on the same page about things. Do I make decisions w/o consulting him? Most definately. But if its something big, I will run it by him w/ my reasoning.
This is us too.

I'd say that I make the decisions about 99% of the time. But if it's something very big then I'll talk with him about it. But we both have fairly similar parenting views so we've yet to butt heads on anything.