What is Attachment Parenting?

[MelissaM]

I thought I would post one of my favorite articles about attachment parenting here...perhaps an administrator can make it sticky?


What is Attachment Parenting?
by Kathy Kuhn, RN, BSN, IBCLC (from http://www.ParentsPlace.com (http://www.parentsplace.com/) )

Attachment parenting is getting a lot of attention in the news lately, but many people who might be familiar with the term aren't really sure what attachment parenting is all about.

The term, "attachment parenting", was conceived by pediatrician William Sears and his wife Martha, to describe a highly responsive, attentive style of caring for a child. Attachment parenting promotes physical and emotional closeness between parent and child through what the Sears refer to as the "Baby Bs." The Baby Bs are bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing and boundary building.

Attachment parenting advocates encourage parents to hold their baby often in the early sensitive weeks of life to foster bonding. Breastfeeding is promoted because it enhances the mother's natural instincts to respond to her baby through physical closeness, hormonal influences and promotion of attentiveness. Both babywearing, the practice of carrying the baby on the parents' body with an infant carrier or sling, and bedsharing, parents and babies sleeping in the same bed, provide additional opportunities for closeness. Boundary building is a discipline philosophy that entails responding to the genuine, age appropriate needs of the child and using gentle guidance. All of the Baby Bs are aimed at promoting a trusting, intuitive relationship between parents and baby through the physical and emotional closeness that makes it easier to know and appropriately respond to the baby's needs. While some people might see the Baby B's as a set of rules they must follow, they are just recommended tools that can and should be individualized for each family and parenting situation.

Attachment style parents generally watch the baby, not the clock or calendar, for signs of their baby's readiness to eat, sleep, be put down, stay with a sitter, sleep alone, or cultivate any new behavior. To understand a baby's signs of readiness, you need to know your baby intimately. These parents learn about their baby by keeping him close and devoting lots of time and attention to him. Attachment style parents believe that when they make mistakes, they will know to change their direction because their knowledge of their child includes evaluation of the child's reaction to parenting approaches.

Those practicing attachment-style parenting are not likely to let their baby "cry it out." They respond to their infant's cries despite the still popularly held belief of many that always responding to a baby's cries will "spoil" their baby. They understand that an infant's cry is a very powerful survival tool meant to elicit a response. They believe that responding to the infant's cry builds trust, teaches the parents to "listen" to their child, and is the beginning step in the development of good, parent-child communication. Human biology seems to support this philosophy by giving the mother a strong hormonal response to her baby's cries that makes it very uncomfortable for her to ignore.

Attachment style parents understand the importance of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding provides optimal nutrition and promotes a healthy immune system. In addition, because breastmilk digests quickly it ensures that the baby will be held frequently for feedings, and near mom almost continuously when breastfeeding is exclusive. Attachment parents believe that exclusive breastfeeding demonstrates the biological need of the infant to have almost continuous contact with his mother as a natural transition from life in the womb.

Babywearing and bedsharing is a natural extension of meeting your baby's need for continuous close contact. But there are a wide variety of ways that attachment parents address these issues. While one parent might carry her baby almost always in a baby sling, another might "know" that her baby loves the stroller when outside in the park. Some attachment style parents never use a crib but arrange mattresses on the bedroom floor to accommodate bedsharing, while others may start the baby in the crib and bring him into their king sized bed after the first night waking. Some use specialized cribs that attach to the side of the parent's bed. Each family decides what will meet their needs and the needs of their baby best while promoting closeness.

Gentle discipline is common for attachment parents, using age-appropriate expectations. For example, parents might decide to put breakables out of reach rather than trying to teach their toddler not to touch them because they understand it would be unrealistic to expect the baby to resist touching enticing objects. Yet the same parents would have no trouble restricting their school-aged child from tossing a ball in the living room to protect the same breakables because this is a realistic, age appropriate limit. Attachment parents generally would not use corporal punishment but rather provide guidance, role modeling, rewards for good behavior, and gentle punishments such as timeouts or loss of privileges, always keeping the child's developmental stage in mind.

Attachment parenting is about knowing your baby and responding to what your instincts and knowledge of your family tell you is right. Dr. Sears Baby Bs are just his recommended way to help you get to know your baby better. There are as many variations on the methods of implementing attachment parenting as there are parents and babies. Attachment parenting is a vehicle to get to know your baby and develop your own unique and sensitive parenting style.

[MelissaM]

What Attachment Parenting is NOT

This is from: http://www.askdrsears.com (http://www.askdrsears.com/)

Attachment parenting is not a new style of parenting. Attachment parenting is one of the oldest ways of caring for babies. In fact, it's the way that parents for centuries have taken care of babies, until childcare advisors came on the scene and led parents to follow books instead of their babies. Picture your family on a deserted island and you've just delivered a baby. There are no books, advisors, or in-laws around to shower you with child baby- tending advice. The baby B's of attachment parenting would come naturally to you as they have other cultures who have centuries more child-rearing experience and tradition than all of us have.

Attachment parenting is not indulgent parenting. You may hear or worry that being nurturing and responsive to your baby's needs might spoil your baby and set you up for being manipulated manipulated by your baby. This is why we stress that attachment parenting is responding appropriately to your baby's needs, which means knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, it's easy for parents to give their children everything they want.

Attachment parenting is a question of balance –not being indulgent or permissive, yet being attentive. As you and your baby grow together, you will develop the right balance between attentive, but not indulgent. In fact, being possessive, or a "smother mother" (or father) is unfair to the child, fosters an inappropriate dependency on the parent, and hinders your child from becoming normally independent. For example, you don't need to respond to the cries of a seven-month-old baby as quickly as you would a seven-day-old baby.

As your baby grows, you become more expert in reading her cries, so you can gradually delay your response. Say, for example, you are busy in the kitchen and your seven-month-old is sitting and playing nearby and cries to be picked up. Instead of rushing to scoop your baby up, simply acknowledge your baby and give your baby "it's okay" cues. Because you and your baby are so connected, your baby can read your body language and see that you're not anxious, so you naturally give your baby the message, "No problem, baby, you can handle this." In this way, you're being a facilitator , and because of your close attachment you're actually better able to help your baby delay gratification and ease into independence.

Attachment Tip: "It's easier for me to say 'no' to my attachment- parented child when she wants a lot of stuff, because I know I have given her so much of myself."

Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting. Attachment parents become like gardeners: you can't control the color of the flower or the time of the year it blooms, but you can pick the weeds and prune the plant so that the flower blooms more beautifully. That's shaping. Attachment parents become master behavior-shapers.

Attachment mothering is not martyr mothering. Don't think that AP means baby pulls mommy's string and she jumps. Because of the mutual sensitivity that develops between attached parents and their attached children, parents' response time can gradually lengthen as mother enables the older baby to discover that he does not need instant gratification. Yes, you give a lot of yourself in those early months, but you get back a lot more in return. Attachment-parenting is the best investment you'll ever make -- the best long- term investment you'll ever make, in your child, and yourselves.

"Won't a mother feel tied down by constant baby-tending?"

Mothers do need baby breaks. This is why shared parenting by the father and other trusted caregivers is important. But with attachment parenting, instead of feeling tied down, mothers feel tied together with their babies. Attachment mothers we interviewed described their feelings: "I feel so connected with my baby." "I feel right when with her, not right when we're apart." "I feel fulfilled."

Remember, too, that attachment parenting, by mellowing a child's behavior, makes it easier to go places with your child. You don't have to feel tied down to your house or apartment and a lifestyle that includes only babies.

Attachment parenting is not hard. Attachment parenting may sound like one big give-a-thon. Initially, there is a lot of giving. This is a fact of new parent life. Babies are takers, and parents are givers. One of the payoffs you will soon experience of attachment parenting is one we call mutual giving – the more you give to your baby, the more baby gives back to you. This is how you grow to enjoy your child and feel more competent as a parent. Remember, your baby is not just a passive player in the parenting game. The infant takes an active part in shaping your attitudes, helping you make wise decisions as you become an astute baby-reader.

Attachment parenting may sound difficult, but in the long run it's actually the easiest parenting style. What is "hard" about parenting is the feeling "I just don't know what my baby wants" or "I just can't seem to get through to her." If you feel you really know your baby and have a handle on the relationship, parenting is easier and more relaxed. There is great comfort in feeling connected to your baby. Attachment parenting is the best way we know to get connected. True, this style of parenting takes a tremendous amount of patience and stamina, but it's worth it. Attachment parenting early on makes later parenting easier, not only in infancy but in childhood and teenage years. The ability to read and respond to your baby, carries over into the ability to get behind the eyes of your growing child and see things from her point of view. When you truly know your child, parenting is easier at all ages.

Attachment parenting is not rigid. On the contrary, it has options and is very flexible. Attachment mothers speak of a flow between themselves and their baby; a flow of thoughts and feelings that help a mother pull from her many options the right choice at the right time when confronted with the daily "what do I do now?" baby-care decisions. The connected pair mirror each other's feelings. The baby perceives himself by how the mother reflects his value. This insight is most noticeable in the mother's ability to get behind the eyes of her child and read her child's feelings during discipline decisions. One day our two-year-old, Lauren, impulsively grabbed a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and spilled it on the floor. As Lauren was about to disintegrate, Martha mellowed out the situation and preserved the fragile feelings of a sensitive child and prevented the angry feelings of inconvenienced parents. When I asked how she managed to handle things so calmly, she said, "I asked myself if I were Lauren, how would I want my mother to respond?"

Attachment parenting is not spoiling a child. New parents ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby create an overly dependent manipulative child?" Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters independence. Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately. The spoiling theory began in the early part of this century when parents turned over their intuitive childrearing to "experts"; unfortunately, the childcare thinkers at the time advocated restraint and detachment (i.e., formulas for childcare), along with scientifically produced artificial baby milk – "formula" for feeding babies. They felt that if you held your baby a lot, fed on cue, and responded to cries, you would spoil and create a clingy, dependent baby. There was no scientific basis to this spoiling theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to spoil forever.

Research has finally proven what mothers have long suspected: You cannot spoil a baby by attachment. Spoiling means leaving something alone, such as putting food on the shelf to spoil. The attachment style of parenting does not mean overindulgence or inappropriate dependency. The possessive parent, or "hover mother," is one who keeps an infant from doing what he needs to do because of her own insecure needs. This has a detrimental effect on both the infants and the parents. Attachment differs from prolonged dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

[MelissaM]

From Attachment Parenting International http://www.attachmentparenting.org (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/)

Myths and Facts about Attachment Parenting

Myth: Attachment parenting means never putting your child down, right?

Reality: Attachment parenting encourages the use of slings or soft carriers that give a child access to the movement and closeness of the parent’s body. Advocates do not suggest that an infant should never be put down. Attachment parenting is about being responsive to a child’s needs for closeness, not about thwarting their natural drive toward independence. Children need a firm foundation of closeness before authentic, age-appropriate independence can occur.

Myth: What is the big deal about using baby gadgets (plastic carriers, swings, playpens, etc.)?

Reality: Babies are born with a biological need for human closeness and interaction. The more parents rely on things like swings and infant seats, the less time they spend actually holding and interacting with the baby. Gadgets can be helpful when used sparingly, but the key is to avoid over-using them when a baby really wants you.

Myth: My child will be spoiled if I always respond to his cries and hold him a lot.

Reality: Responding to a baby’s cries and holding him will not spoil him. A rapid, appropriate response tells the child that the parent takes his needs seriously and will help him manage his distress. Responding to a child’s cries lays a critical foundation for trust and communication.

Myth: If a child sleeps in our bed, she will never leave.

Reality: The experience of many co-sleeping parents has not proven this to be true. Depending on the child’s temperament, most children naturally leave the parents’ bed around 2 or 3 years of age. There are many ways to adapt to the changing sleep needs of family members: Some families place an infant in a co-sleeper attached to the side of the bed or have a toddler in a crib nearby in the same room. The key is being responsive to a child’s need for a parent’s presence and not rushing him or her into self-reliance too soon.

Myth: Co-sleeping is more dangerous than sleeping in a crib.

Reality: Co-sleeping has not been proven to be any more dangerous to infants than sleeping alone in a crib. Studies suggesting that co-sleeping is dangerous have been criticized for their poor methodologies. If parents follow certain safety guidelines, co-sleeping is a safe and beneficial environment for both infant and parent. Parents should not co-sleep with their infants if they smoke, drink or take drugs (even prescription medications that may cause drowsiness); become overly fatigued; or have a waterbed, very soft mattress or a lot of fluffy bedding.

Myth: Attachment parenting means nursing indefinitely.

Reality: Attachment parenting advocates believe that when to wean is a personal decision and cooperative process between each mother and baby. There are many documented benefits of extended breastfeeding, and current recommendations in the United States are generally to breastfeed for the first 12 months and as long as is mutually desirable after that.

Myth: If you work outside of the home, you can’t adopt this style of parenting.

Reality: Working parents can adopt this approach to parenting. Attachment parenting advocates do recommend limiting the frequency and length of separations. But mothers can continue to breastfeed with the help of a part-time or flexible schedule and/or a breast pump. Both parents can still wear the baby in a soft carrier around the house, and sleep near or with the baby at night. In fact, many working parents find attachment parenting an excellent way to create and maintain connections with the baby in spite of day-time separation.

When you choose a caregiver for your baby, make sure to find a person or program who supports your philosophy. It’s also important to pay attention to the rate of caregiver turnover. Frequent changes in caregivers can cause the child to experience a continuous cycle of bonding and grieving.

[MelissaM]

There.

I am an attachment parent and I am so proud of it!

[SarahK]

Great articles!!

[Cortney]

I love those articles from API!!! :heart:

[SarahK]

:woo: I stuck my first thread!

[m'honey]

thank you for posting these all in one place! I get so much crap about the way I'm parenting my baby... it helps to know where I can find other parents who agree.

[samalamom]

I come from the Hudson Valley in New York State, though I live in NYC now. It is probably "attachment parenting central" for the Northeast corridor. There is a book out by a pediatrician and his nurse wife, William and Martha Sears, that is the attachment parenting bible. Alot of the philosophy behind it comes out of "new age" and "alternative" medicine and lifestyles, as far as I can tell. I am one of those cranky people who takes EVERYTHING(just about) with a grain of salt, but who will still incorporate methods/ideas I deem useful. In a nutshell, attachment parenting is about being attached, emotionally, intellectually, physically to your kid(s). You carry your little sugarbun around in a sling apparatus while you do housework, shop, just about everything, all day, so that he/she has the comfort of physical contact with you. You breastfeed them on demand - no schedules, please - and you sleep with them at night, even into early childhood, until THEY are ready to separate. You are involved in their daily activities, and expend significant amounts of energy getting to know them as people. It has its plusses and minusses. Having known various families who do this, and having practiced some of it myself, I will try to give some examples of the upsides and downsides of this parenting style. The bad first: It can be utterly draining unless you can manage to set some time aside for yourself each day. Your kids might not learn to play on their own/with other kids so well, because they are so involved with you. Sadly, I have seen this happen with a main caregiving parent who is very controlling and wants to plan every last detail of her kid's life. He is a mess, and so full of anxiety that he can't stand being alone for a minute. So it would seem that all of the attachment needs to be balanced with fostering a good sense of independence in a child. Just because you are "attached", you don't need to deny a child the opportunity to play on his/her own, or with other kids, and not interfere every minute. You may not be comfortable with the idea of sleeping with your kids. And guess what, they might feel the same way. Each kid is different. My daughter, a constant night feeder slept with us because I was too exhausted to get up every hour. I had hemmorhaged after giving birth, and was in a weak state for some time after. It gave all of us a chance to get some much needed sleep, and we all were comfortable with it. I have some very fond memories of waking up with her each day. My son, born 3 years later, on the other hand, was quite happy, and really seemed to sleep better on his own. To this day, he will fall asleep in 5 minutes when left alone in his crib, and will fuss for an hour if I lie down with him. He also stopped nursing at night at a very young age, while my daughter did it until I weaned her at 2 and a half. In the end, I personally have found some of this philosophy to be useful, but I have also used alot of parenting ideas from my grandmothers, who were very loving, but a bit stricter about behaviour than the attachment folks seem to be. Self-respect and respect for others, including exhibiting good manners, and appropriate behavior according to a given situation are a big deal at our house. I would consider myself loving and generous and even protective at times towards my kids, but I am also strict and ueber consistent when it comes to rules. They are as few as possible, but ironclad. Example: if my daughter does not finish a meal, and I go out of my way to make things that I know they will like, and I introduce new things gradually, and in small amounts, there will be no desserts or snacks until after the next meal.

[samalamom]

p.s my kids are 1 and 4 and while they sleep in their own room now, our doors are always open, so we can go to them if they need us. I still breastfeed my son a couple of times a day, more if he is teething or sick. The practices of attachment parenting will probably be alien to a large number of people in the U.S., though this is the way of things in many developing countries(where mom usually has help from exended family members). I think it is good to remember that you can try it out, and keep with the practices that are making you and your kids happy, and modify or skip the ones that are not working for you. Ex: if you have back problems, the constant sling thing may prove difficult to master. One good thing is that a strong connection tends to foster a lot of warmth and trust on both sides. It is not as hard for me to deal with them moving from one stage to another, as it might be, and I am more aware of what is reasonable to expect from them as time goes on.

[Brandi]

Well, I feel like I'm more of an AP mom than I thought. I'm just not a totally crunchy mom, but I guess the two aren't quite the same. We co-sleep, baby wear, breast feed, gentle discipline (well, at first at least), anything else? Great articles!