I recently started working with a really nice woman whose son just turned 4 last week. We were out for a drink tonight w/ 4 of us (sort of a getting to know each other outing) and the other 2 women were talking about the 4 year span between their kids; one of them has a 5 year old and 1 year old twins, and she was asking advice of another woman whose got a 14 year old and 10 year old.

I felt like there was this elephant on the table, so I asked the girl w/ the 4 year old if she was going to have another...even though I always try not to ask that sort of thing. Her answer was that they're very actively trying but it's not working. She was upbeat about it...but clearly it's an issue for her. I really hate to be that person to point-blank ask questions about having more babies (or babies period). But at the same time, it seemed funny to not say something to her in the course of this conversation.

What would you have done? If you've been in the situation of trying to have another and it wasn't working, would you feel bad about this question?

well I am in the postion and no its part of life............yes sometimes the reminder hurts but you meant no harm so I am sure the woman realised this

now when my IL's constantly remind me they would like another grandchild that is insensitivity....

It never upset me when people asked when we were trying to get pregnant with Alex.

It is the people (like family) who keep on asking what is going on that get upsetting.

Alyssa, I've been in that womans shoes!!.. many times!! When people (esp ones who didn't know me or the situation) asked, it never ever bothered me!! I know that they meant no harm.
I really didn't even get people asking me about it even when I did know them... but if I'd been bugged by it if they had!

I agree with those three. We are trying, against many medical odds, but I take no offense to any outside inquiries.

I did a similar thing to a daycare mum the other day, she then broke down with me telling me her frustrations at how long they have been trying for #2 and her fears cause her 1st is now 5. I felt so bad, but then again she said it felt good to get it off her chest :dunno: I think there is a point of being offensive and just asking a question. Harrassing someone with taunts of "so when you going to have more" compared to "are you thinking about having more" is the difference, I wouldn't give it another thought.

It would have been weird not to ask, so I imagine that being in a position to answer the question was most likely less awkward for her than not being asked. Did that maes sense?

I was going to say exactly what Sheila did ( and it made sense to me ;) ) as you know we've had a loooooong battle with IF and I never took offense from a well intentioned question like that but I have felt the awkwardness on many occasion when people sort of excluded me from the possibility.

The comments that offended me were from close friends who would say something like "are you sure you really want them?" as their kids trashed my house :lol:

It would have been weird not to ask, so I imagine that being in a position to answer the question was most likely less awkward for her than not being asked. Did that maes sense?It makes total sense, and perfectly explains why I opened my mouth! :)

Alyssa I am in that exact position. We have been trying for 4+ years with nothing. It's a simple question. It doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when the advice of "just relax and you will get pg" or "quit trying and then you'll get pg" comes along. That really pisses me off. But, to just ask the question if they are going to have another child..I don't find that question rude or anything else. It's a natural quesion...just don't judge after you hear the answer. :dunno: KWIM?

I think you did the right thing!

Amanda

As another member of the club ( :gah: :lol: ), I have to agree with what's already been said. One thing that pisses me off somewhat is that there are a couple of women I work with who are OVERLY sensitive about discussing kid stuff. One woman (who I was pg with a year and a half ago), told me she didn't want to show me photos of her new baby because she thought it might hurt my feelings. I appreciated her concern.....but it hurt worse to be left out of her joy, KWIM?
Another woman was watching a DVD of House on her lunch break in the back room, and the episode was of a pg woman who was having medical issues, and she mentioned that she had a history of m/c and she was scared of losing the baby. She reached for the remote and apologized for having that episode show while I was in the room. Well.....it's just a tv show, and I'm okay with my biological fate. Again, I appreciated her concern....but it was just over the top. :(

Just treat her like a regular person and don't harp on the fact that she doesn't have another baby. It sounds like you did the right thing, Alyssa. :aok: Lots of hugs are always welcome in my own conversations. :lol:

As a person in the exact same place, I think you were fine asking. Ali is 5 now and we are still trying... not with meds for the past year and a half, but still trying. Anyway, it never really bothers me when someone that is a stranger or a person that doesn't know my situation asks. I just kind of laugh it off and say "when it happens, it will be great" or "she's so much fun by herself right now". I know that people don't mean harm at all when they inquire about it. I think it's just natural in our society to assume that people will have more than one child. If I were there with you, being in her situation, I would have felt more left out by you not asking.