How do you help your child deal with issues?

[MrsPeacefrog]

We are having a problem with Aiden and it's getting so frustrating that I don't know how to help him.

He is a very order orientated child, things need to be done a certain way or else he can't really handle the change. He is very possessive of his items and doesn't let his brothers touch any of his things. All of this is ok because it's part of his personality and with so many brothers we believe they are all allowed to have a few items that is soley their, as long as public property (outside toys and communcal toys) are shared correctly.

I say all that with a big BUT. He is becoming a perfectionist and can't handle when he doesn't do something right, for example, when he colours he can not handle it when he goes out of the lines, he colours so slowly and with such precision and can normally get through an entire picture with out going out of the line, but hold the phone if he does, it becomes a serious problem, it literally becomes the end of the world for him and if he is colouring a colour book he wants to throw the entire book away because it's now "ruined" he will cry and cry for half an hour about this and begs us to rub it out for him (which we all know is impossible to do with crayon or coloured pencil). If he is doing one that we printed off the computer he then demands we print another because it's now ruined. He will seriously melt down over this and can not handle it. Nothing we say or do about the fact that everyone makes mistakes even mummy and daddy helps. :sigh: It seriously stays on his mind and at times hours later will bring up the fact he "scribbled" and needs a new book and for me not to forget to buy him on when at the shops.


I understand this is just part of his personality and while now at this age the fact he is sheding a few tears isn't that big of a deal, but I am concerned if I don't do something now about this that this will manifest into a bigger problem where if he doesn't do something right at school or work he won't be able to handle it and give himself such a hard time that it will lead to depression or even worse things.

Any ideas how I can deal with this situation and how I can get him to understand that nothing is ever perfect?

[TtownAnne]

What about at a time when he's NOT having this issue, you point out a mistake you make? "Aidan, what am I going to do? I didn't follow the instructions of the recipe, and now I don't know if it will taste right?" etc. Maybe he'll see a good modeling that he can still have some control over the situation (you left out an ingredient, so you can add it in later!) or that even with a problem, it still turns out okay (you didn't have the garlic, but dinner still tastes yummy - yay!) Reasoning being that maybe he can't quite see it rationally while he's in the middle of it, but while he's calm and watching it happen to someone else, maybe he can give you the solution that will work with him, kwim?

[Joan]

Anne, that is a good idea. Deb, I wish I had advice for you. Just keep reinforcing that it is human to make mistakes. Help him cope with the mistake and show him how to handle it. When does he start school? :hug99:

[MrsPeacefrog]

That is a good idea, Anne. I can see him responding to that, but unsure of it filtering in when he needs it for his own coping mechanism. But definately worth the try, he really needs to learn to settle down.

Joan: Our school year starts next week, he starts on the 31st January :errr: (I can't believe I am the mother of a school aged child!) I am so beyond excited for him, but with this issue he has with perfectionism I am also nervous!

[Karly]

Deb, Tyrus has similar issues - though not to the extent you described. A lot of times I tell him, "is this issue worth crying over? Is your arm cut off? Are you bleeding? If not, then you don't need to be so upset over something that isn't a big deal."

He gets so upset if Alexis gets a toy of his messed up, and part of that is because Alexis is rough with things and doesn't care about his things (or her things) to the same level he does.

I'm not sure if it's a firstborn issue or not, but it's challenging at times, that's for sure.

My post is entirely unhelpful. Sorry. :(

[Lynn]

I'm here to take notes because at age 4.5 Aaron is heading down this path. I always try to direct him and say, "Can we think of a solution? What do you think we could have done differently?" I realize that won't help Aiden and his coloring but maybe it might in other situations.

I also try to compliment him on something else that has to do with what he's doing. So instead of saying "Hey, you did great coloring in the lines!" I might say, "Oh, I really like the colors you used in this picture". :dunno:

[TtownAnne]

Oh, no arguments from me at all, it very likely WON'T kick in the first few times when he may need to call upon it, but like everything else, a few rounds of repetition should hopefully start showing an impact.

That is a good idea, Anne. I can see him responding to that, but unsure of it filtering in when he needs it for his own coping mechanism. But definately worth the try, he really needs to learn to settle down.

[Bev]

A lot of times I tell him, "is this issue worth crying over? Is your arm cut off? ... you don't need to be so upset over something that isn't a big deal."
Sometimes for the kids it IS a big deal, though it seems foolish to us. Mason has huge issues with me licking the spoon after making hot chocolate, or tasting a sample off his plate. I personally think it's the stupidest thing ever to be fussy over but he'll throw everything out or refuse to eat if he thinks I did. So I don't. Or I say I didn't. :awink:

For Aiden, I guess I would maybe say, "Well that little part is a bit messy, but look at all the rest of this big picture that is in the lines. You might not like that messy part, but for me I love this whole picture because you coloured it and you worked hard on it."

And I like Anne's idea, but make the dinner something that he likes a lot and isn't likely to say you ruined it. :lol: And I like Lynn's idea of complimenting him on the colours he chose.

[Clare]

Liquid paper?


:lol: Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant, but maybe buy him some liquid paper and let him correct his work to his standards. That's not going to help with the perfectionism, but it will help him be in control of his colouring.

My friend Lara is coming over today and I know that she has very similiar issues with her son, so I'll ask her for advice for you :)

[haydee]

I've seen my mom handle this pretty effectively... She was a qualified nursery teacher. When kids get upset over things like this, she'd be very firm with them and in a firm tone tell them that this is nothing to be upset about, that there are worse things happening in life - some people don't have food to eat, some people don't even have crayons to colour in with. Once she'd settled them down and the initial histeria is over, she'd try to find the positive in the situation, for instance she'd say: I think the picture looks nice, even if you did colour over the line. But let's make this a "practice picture", so now you've learned, and you can colour in a whole new picture that could look even better than this one.

I don't know which is worse, perfectionism or total lack of pride. I'm dealing with the opposite situation with DD. She doesn't care what her books look like (it very often looks like it's been recycled from the trash can!) and she just rushes off her work to get it done with, without paying attention to doing it properly and neat.

[MrsPeacefrog]

We have tried the "some kids don't even have crayons" thing with him, he seriously can not see through his own misery. He really gives himself a hard time and just can't handle it being wrong. He is really like this with everything, I have the complete opposite with Riley, he couldn't care less about his things he loses his things all the time where as if I was to ask Aiden where his Trex is he will go straight to his room and get it.

You have all given me some ideas, thanks so much.

Clare: I did consider the liquid paper thing, but I wasn't sure if I was teaching him the right lesson, I feel like I should be showing him that the picture is beautiful even though it has an imperfection and therefore showing him that things don't always have to be perfect to be ok, but on the other hand it does make sense to give him some sort of control over his mistakes. I just feel that in the future there might not always be "liquid paper" to fix his problems and I fear how he will handle that.

Karly: I wonder sometimes if it's a 1st child syndrome too. He had to learn to share at a very young age, with Riley coming into the family when Aiden was only 16 months old he never really had a chance to be "alone". He really prides himself on having a clean room and knowing where everything his, everything has order and he can really lose the plot if that order is messed up. Sometimes he even panics if I am in his room for too long getting his clothes out etc, he just wants the door shut so the other boys don't go in. :rolleyes:

I guess he is going to end up in a very detail orientated job in the future :crazy:

[Girlo]

I guess he is going to end up in a very detail orientated job in the future :crazy:

This may or may not make you feel better, but this is me to a point. :lol: I don't (and didn't) have the same meltdowns if things aren't (weren't) perfect, but it still bugged me. I still strive to have my work be beyond reproach. :snob: I do work in a very detailed job and that skill is absolutely my most dominant. It has served me pretty well....I've caught several fraud/counterfeit situations because I see the little things that most people pass over. My drawer is rarely out of balance. I know where everything is in my house, and can get any little piece of paper that you need in about a minute. It bugs the holy hell out of me to be unorganized and have things all a mess.

I agree that you need to find some way to curb the meltdowns over not being perfect, but as a personality trait, it does have it's advantages. :) Maybe he'll be a chemist! Talk about need to be detail oriented! :lol: I wish I had some suggestions for you.....it has been hard to accept things in my life sometimes that haven't fit the mold that I've tried to push them in. However, I've just learned from life experience and moved on. Deep breaths help me, actually. To give it those first seconds/minutes to realize that the world hasn't come crashing down and everyone doesn't hate me because of the one thing that went "wrong" that only I probably know about. :heee: Just because it's not "perfect" in my universe, doesn't mean the real-life universe has noticed or cares, KWIM?

Oh, and I was raised an only...if that helps at all. :awink:

[sheila]

Maggie was doing almost the same thing a little earlier this year. I tried to stay as calm as possible while she was melting down and compliment the creativity and how cool it was that she was making something so standard her own by doing it a little differently. Also, for a little while, I took coloring books away and suggested that she draw her own picture-- similar issues there, but for whatever reason, it was easier for her to move on (with much practice).



(she doesn't have any issues with mess or order, though, so it might have stemmed from a different place)

[Karly]

I thought of something else. Maybe you could color a picture with him next time and perhaps intentionally "mess up" by coloring out of the lines? He may look to you as one who "has it all right all the time" since you're mom, and maybe by him seeing you make a mistake and then your reaction to it, he may feel better about his own work?

[Melissa]

Deb, Tyrus has similar issues - though not to the extent you described. A lot of times I tell him, "is this issue worth crying over? Is your arm cut off? Are you bleeding? If not, then you don't need to be so upset over something that isn't a big deal."


Karly, Katie is very similar in these respects. For example, when she puts on her gloves, sometimes she doesn't spread out her fingers wide enough and gets two fingers in one finger hole. At first she would absolutely flip out crying. But we've been working on her reacting appropriately to things that aren't a tragedy. It has been a very long hard road and it is finally beginning to work. Every time that she does something where she would usually flip out and she doesn't flip out, I positively reinforce her. I tell her how nice it is that she figured out the gloves without getting upset.

We talk about using her words when things don't work out and not crying when things don't go right.

I don't know if that helps at all. But good luck! :hug99:

ETA: I don't go into saying that kids in other places don't have crayons or coloring books because IMO that is guilting them into acting correctly and I just don't like that approach. Plus, many children don't have a concept of other people not having things.

I do however use the approach of when I do something wrong and reacting appropriately to it. I used that a lot when potty training Katie. She would be in the middle of something and just not wanting to stop what she was doing to go potty. Well I would tell her, "I have to go potty, I think I'll just keep sitting right here and do it in my pants." Everytime Katie would start yelling, "no mommy, you have to go in the potty!!!" Same thing if I spill something, instead of falling apart, I would make sure that Katie helped me react appropriately. I would ask her if I should cry or what I should do. We're still working on it, but it is starting to get better.

[Hannabanana]

I know that this is not a solution but there are erasers out there that erase pencil crayon and regular crayons ... :)