The only child and sharing

[Lynn]

To say we're having problems with Aaron and sharing is an understatement. He's horrible at it. :( If someone comes over and so much as looks at one of his toys he flips out.

We've put his favorite/special toys away when he has friends over.
We've told him over and over that kids coming into his house think it's like coming to TRU.
We've told him a gazillion times that his toys will not be leaving the house with his friends.

My MIL thinks that he has a problem sharing because he isn't forced to since he doesn't have siblings. :retrofawk: Thanks. :rolleyes:

Any advice?

[Jayne]

Your MIL isn't half wrong. He doesn't have siblings so he hasn't had to learn that all the toys are not his so when someone comes over he feels he has to protect his things. That said children can learn to share that don't have siblings so she isn't entirely right either.

Tylor was an only for 6.5 years and he was great at sharing once he got the hang of it. The more we had play dates and the more we played "With" him the more he learned that everyone could have fun with all the toys.

Before friends come over sit down with Aaron and tell him that "xxx" is coming over and he is going to want to play with you and probably your "xxx" Tell him that maybe his friend doesn't have that toy and they want to see how it works. Sometimes having Aaron demonstrate toys so he feels like a teacher can also help them share. Once Aaron shows his friend how something works then work with him and say "now why don't you let "xxx" have a turn trying out your toy" It will take a while for Aaron to understand but he will get the hang of it. Another thing is try taking Aaron to others homes to play with "their toys" that way he see's them sharing their toys with him. You can then turn it around and say "while at "xxx" hous he let you play with some of his toys so please be nice today and allow "xxx" to play with some of yours. They will not take them home just like you left "xxx" toys at his house when you left for the day.

Hope that helps a bit :dunno:

[Shel]

There are kids that have siblings that never learn to share, so tell your MIL to take a leap off something really high.

[Mary DK]

There are kids that have siblings that never learn to share.
Most definitely, I have a 3yr old that does that & he fights it off with his bigger brother :rolleyes:

I think the advice Jayne gave you is right on the button. Also, if when you go to somebody's house the kid has a hard time sharing remind Aaron how sad he felt when his friend wasn't sharing.

[TtownAnne]

Tell your mother to bite it. I hate people like that. "oh no, only children have some type of moral and social deficiency! They are not whole unless part of a group!" :rolleyes: It's not about learning that toys aren't only his, it's that he's not used to it, and that's not anyone's fault. What are you supposed to do, hire a vicious gang of toddlers to come over and mess with his stuff every day to toughen him up to the prospect? :disbelief Tell her for me that Caroline is one of the greatest sharers in the world and EVERYONE comments on it. It's because she LOVES playdates and having friends over, and knows that sharing stuff is part of that.

What we did for her might work for Aaron, though - give him some control. Instead of saying he has to share everything, ask him what he DOESN'T want to share. Everyone has their special things, and we should respect that just as we want our kids to. So if his new favorite Christmas present is still just a little too special to him and he doesn't want to share it, that's fine. Let him pick a safe place to put it, but make sure to explain that that means he won't be able to play with it while his friend is there either. Once he has some control about the things he doesn't want shared (with no lecturing or remonstrance from you), then let him pick a BUNCH of stuff he does want to share. Remind him quietly of your deal as the guests get there. He may not get it perfect the first few times, but hopefully it will improve a bit each time.

[MamaGoofy]

Ditto to Anne. :nod:

[Karri]

Age 4 is a rough age to share, siblings or not. N&E's teachers suggest that we phrase it as "taking turns". I know its a simple thing, but it really seems to make a difference to my kids. And I tried to model it. I'd take something more special and ask if I could take a turn using xxx. I'd play w/ it for 2-3 mins and give it back and thank them for giving me a turn.
For the longest time, all 3 of my kids went through phases where they freaked out when we had playdates. And we've always had playdates. So its not just an only child thing.

[Cami]

My MIL thinks that he has a problem sharing because he isn't forced to since he doesn't have siblings. :retrofawk: Thanks. :rolleyes:


:lol2: I would be happy to invite her over to see how :airquote: well :airquote: my three kids share. I have spent the last two weeks of Christmas break refereeing their disputes. :rolleyes:

I don't have any new suggestions to add to the good advice already posted!

[Jillian]

Well then, I want to know why my kids have issues with sharing then?

[Karly]

Yeah, me too! :lol: I like the ideas Karri & Anne posted! I'll have to try those! :nod:Well then, I want to know why my kids have issues with sharing then?

[kalm]

Sharing is definitely a kid thing, not an "only child" thing! When we've had friends over and something is disputed, we'll try the "taking turns" idea, even going as far as setting a kitchen timer so one kid can play for 5 minutes or whatever before it's the other's turn. I also try to bring out something similar to encourage playing together. Putting away "special" toys is a good tactic too.

[Karin]

I think Jayne, Anne and Karri have some great ideas. I try to remind myself, when asking Steve to share with Katie, that it's okay for him to say no sometimes. He's really very good most of the time (Katie's in love with his Leapster that he just got from my mom) and I'm grateful for that. I especially like Karri's idea of modeling taking turns - I think it takes some time to understand that they will get their special toy back if they share it, and that 5 minutes or so is not that long a time to wait. Sometimes talking about it with Steve didn't sink in, but actually practicing the sharing behaviors seemed to work.

I also like Kelley's idea of using a kitchen timer - it would help to make sure that everyone gets their fair share of time with the beloved toy. I know myself, 5 minutes can turn into 15 if you're busy doing other things around the house, or chatting with the mom of the playdate-ee.

[MrsPeacefrog]

I also think it's a personaity thing. Aiden is extremely possessive of his things, he is a neat freak and hates it when things break, get scratched or aren't used the way they are meant to be used. He keeps the door to him room constantly closed so his brothers can't get in there to play with his things. Riley on the other hand is very free with his things and is happy to give anything up to his brothers, but even he has his days where he simply does not want to share. It's all natural.

I find it very hard with Aiden because of his "ocd" as I call it. Even when his friends come over he struggles with allowing them to go near his room and he actually freaks out if he does decide to let them in and they start touching his things, we have to deal with major melt downs and a lot of confusion from his friends who happily share their things when he is over :gah:

The only way to really get through to Aiden is to let him have his really special toys put away before friends come over and he leaves out the toys he doesn't mind being played with, that doesn't work all the time but really ends up being the saving grace most times.