"But what about the future?"

[TtownAnne]

Someone posed this question to a group of only-child parents on another forum I sometimes read and it moved me to respond, setting off a ridiculous crap-storm for answering someone's question. :rolleyes: The person asked that, for the people who are CHOOSING to have only one child (not those affected by fertility problems or any other medical reason preventing them from having another child), have we not thought about our child in the future, having no siblings, no one to share experiences with, no one to "hang out with", etc. I said that I am the living embodiment of having a sibling not making your life better or more validated or whatever she was trying to say, just because we happened to share the same experiences and could reminisce about the same things. That if we raise our child in a connected, friend- and family-filled environment, then hopefully they would still have other family members that know the same things, remember the same experiences, etc.

How do you handle this? Do you think we are depriving our onlies of some *specific* bond that is guaranteed to enrich their life? Do you think about this at all, or am I obsessing? :wait:

[Alyson]

Anne, I grew up with one sister so I'm wasn't an only but had a couple of close friends who were. I think it totally depends on the family you're coming from. One of my friends growing up hated being an only. Her parents worked a lot, didn't have many friends and really were just too busy for a child.... sad, but true. She still is not close with her parents and probably never will be. They're on the older side (as old as my grandparents) for parents of someone who is 28 yrs old. They show no interest in her kids or family whatsoever. ...On the other hand one of my other 'only' friends LOVED being an only. She had a wonderful childhood. Her parents were great and still are. She's extremely close to them and they're a huge part of her and her kids' lives now. She loved not having an siblings and didn't mind because their family had a huge circle of close friends and some of them even had 'onlies'.
From what I know of you on here, I think that your daughter is one lucky girl either way. I'm not sure that I've ever seen a picture where she isn't smilng or doesn't look happy.. I think that shows what a great job you're doing with her, your 'only'.
Don't obsess about it and don't stress over it. You have to do what is right for you and your family:)
Just my .02 :)

[TtownAnne]

Alyson, that lovely compliment made my day. Thank you. :kiss:

[schwanda]

I think Alyson put it beautifully!
I'm from a big family and I'd like to have a big family. But that's my business! The same way that comments like "You have one boy and one girl, you must be done." are ignorant and offensive, telling you that you have a "sacred duty" to provide your child with siblings is offensive.
You have made a very well thought out decision to only have one child. This is not a decision you made lightly. How dare anyone question you??? You are a fabulous mother with a well-adjusted and beautiful little girl. What more could anyone want????

Amanda

[Alyson]

You are welcome Anne. That is truely how I see it too. In fact, Brookelyn has (one more than a few occasions) seen pictures of Caroline on here and said, she has lots of smiles!! lol:)
I just think that people who butt into other peoples lives in that sense are lame! There are a lot of parents out there who should ONLY have one kid or none for that matter! lol

[Wendy]

This particular issue has been one of the most thought out issues (for me) in deciding on whether or not I wanted another child. I know in my heart that I don’t want another. I don’t crave baby stuff. I don’t feel as if something is missing in my family or my life and I know that I am a much better parent to one than I would be to two. I just don’t think I would have the patience for two. The noise and the clutter would drive me nuts. Additionally, just trying to manage the life of two would totally stress me out. I have a hard enough of a time getting Abby to her activities and such that two would send me over the edge. I have had lots of conversations with my self over whether or not knowing all of about me makes me a. selfish b. a weak person or c. smarter than most who go ahead and have another and then in many ways regret or are unable to handle it and therefore are unhappy or make their children unhappy.

With all of that being said, my biggest hang up has been over the fact that my dh is an only and talks about how lonely he was growing up etc. That has made me question over and over if Abby will grow up feeling the same way and wish that she had had a brother or sister. I also see siblings that are very close and in some way wish that Abby could have that kind of relationship. Then I come back to reality and remember that I actually have 5 siblings and just because you are related by blood does not mean that you are guaranteed a close relationship. I don’t have any memories to share with my siblings. Not even the one that is only 2.5 years younger than me. We hated each other growing up and although we don’t hate each other now she and I will never be close. We are too different.

So the bottom line for me has become simply that I know what is going to make me happy. It is my life, and although I have no doubts I would love another child if one came along, I am realistic enough to know that I am happier the way things are. Me being happier in my life is going to make me a much better parent to my child. I am going to be able to give to her emotionally in a way that I couldn’t if I were not as happy. Hopefully, being able to provide that to her will help her become the well rounded, happy adult that I want her to become. I work hard to provide her the support of her extended family and am working hard to build a network of close friends who will help her develop relationships that will be with her for years to come.

[Lynn]

Wendy get out of my head! :lol: You said exactly what I was thinking about Aaron being an only. Do I regret it? Of course! But life doesn't always work out the way you want it to so I'm dealing with it.

Keith has a large family and grew up with his cousins. He's still very close to them even though they live in NY and we're here. We only live 3 hours away from BIL so it is our hope that Aaron will grow up and be close to their kids. I have several friends who have kids Aaron's age and I hope we all remain close so that he can consider them family by association. :)

I was thinking, 'just because my sister and I have the same parents doesn't mean we're BFF or anything'.

[Missy&Maggie]

I have been on the fence about Maggie being an only, and recently declared we were ready to think about TTC #2. Well, that was before life got very complicated with Maggie's peanut allergy.

I have two siblings and we are spread way apart in age -- My sister is 21 years older and my brother is 8 years older than me. I am not close to either one. I feel as though I spent much of my life as an only since my brother went to college when I was in the 4th or 5th grade. A lot of times I really wanted a sibling close in age to me, especially now, when Maggie is the only "kid" at all the family outings. Her youngest cousin is 15. Van has three siblings, a brother he doesn't speak to and two sisters who died several years ago.

So yes, our family tree is short and narrow but like Wendy, I don't know how I would handle another one. Growing up in the household that I did, I am very close to my mother as well. I am happy as a family of three, especially since Van and I both work full time and don't get enough time with Maggie as it is.

[bunybomb]

:bullhorn: I AM AN ONLY AND I AM VERY WELL ADJUSTED, I PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, I AM NOT SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!

There is no disservice to children to be onlies. I grew up with lots of cousins and friends. The only thing I wonder about is if I did have a sibling, would I still be the one with all the responsibility of my aging, handicapped mother? Would sharing this with a sibling make it easier? I don't know but it certainly doesn't make me regret my childhood or create any ill will for my parents for not having another child.

[Lynn]

The only thing I wonder about is if I did have a sibling, would I still be the one with all the responsibility of my aging, handicapped mother? Would sharing this with a sibling make it easier?
I can answer this one. I am so grateful every day for my brother and sister because they are (somewhat) helping me with my dad. I worry about this like crazy with Aaron. I don't want him to feel such a huge burden of carrying for Keith or I when he's my age. :sigh:

[Kristen]

My uncle was 4 years younger than my mother. He died in a car wreck when he was 25. No guarantees that a sibling will be around when you need the help. Anything can happen. He/she could move across country or be a loser.

:bullhorn: I AM AN ONLY AND I AM VERY WELL ADJUSTED, I PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, I AM NOT SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!

There is no disservice to children to be onlies. I grew up with lots of cousins and friends. The only thing I wonder about is if I did have a sibling, would I still be the one with all the responsibility of my aging, handicapped mother? Would sharing this with a sibling make it easier? I don't know but it certainly doesn't make me regret my childhood or create any ill will for my parents for not having another child.

[kika]

:nod: ITA with everything everyone else has said. Anne, your princess always appears happy and full of life. I agree, what else do people want?

I am such a "live and let live" person; it baffles me that others want to judge you based on your family decisions...or worse yet, they want to decide for you how many people should be in your family.

This is a hot topic for me, so I will try not to go on and on. First and foremost, I firmly believe that women should be in control of their fertility/body/pg decisions always. Only I decide how many people do or don't come out of my body.

Now crudeness aside, I know for many people the decision to have (or not have) children and how many children is a thought-out, planned decision. It irks me when outsiders have the audacity to question that decision.

I agree Amanda, I wish I had a penny for every time someone told me that I must be finished because I have one of each (a boy and a girl). Or they tell me that I am crazy for wanting to start over and have another baby when my two are 10 and 12. And on the other hand, I also know that couples with larger families who are questioned as well. When my sister was pregnant last, people asked her and her dh, "You're pregnant again?"

To be honest, Anne, I think some people will always have something negative to say because all they do is search for something negative to say. They do not have enough to fill their own lives so they look around at others. Personally, I am not an only, I come from a large family. I have a sister 15 months younger than me, and we are pretty close to each other...but we are soooo different. Sometimes I wonder if we grew up in the same household. We don't even remember the same experiences in the same way. In fact, we have argued over certain memories before (go figure). I also have a younger brother who is 11 years younger than me. He was 6 when I went to college, so we don't share many of the same memories. Not at all. But he came to visit me last week, and he recalled an experience from his childhood. We had a great laugh...although we had not shared the same memory, we had similar experiences, and that made me feel great.

If I have another, the child would probably feel like an only b/c my ds and dd are so much older. And as hard as it is to enough to conceive one, I don't think I will be interested in doing it for a fourth time. Yet, I still intend to have another, even if his/her childhood feels more like an only. I know the child will be surrounded by friends and neighbors and cousins whom he/she will love and will share memories with...

I love that Sex and the City quote, "Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself."

[sunnyflower]

Thank you for these comments. We have been going back and forth in regards to Brenna having a sibling. Like Wendy, I don't think I have the patience for two. I have enough on my hands with just Brenna. SHe is such a love and happy all the time. Her teacher at preschool told me she wakes up from naps smiling and is genuinely happy to see everyone. SHe adores her cousins (one will go to school with her when they start K) and my husband's cousin's daughter (got that!) is an only and is a great role model for Brenna. V is 17 and the two of them get along great.

This past weekend we saw my brother, his wife, and their new baby. I held her and was like nope, I just can't do the newborn thing again! It is my decision and not may parents/siblings/ILs decision.

[bunkie68]

:bullhorn: I AM AN ONLY AND I AM VERY WELL ADJUSTED, I PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, I AM NOT SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!

Bravo, Becky! :clap: I'm also an only child, and I've had people tell me before that, "Gee, you don't act like an only child." Now that's offensive - like only children are "supposed" to be spoiled and whiny and demanding and difficult. :rolleyes:

Julian is likely to be my only. I'm nearly 40, I'm not married, and gee, right now would be a really inconvenient time to get pregnant, what with being a single mom and all. Brian and I have talked, and he'd like to have kids (at least one), but it's not a deal breaker and it may not happen unless we end up in the same place sooner rather than later. I've had people tell me I'm being selfish, not giving Julian a sibling. :rolleyes: What the hell kind of comment is that?! I'd like to know, how is it selfish for me not to want to spread myself too thin emotionally and financially, but to give all I have to the son I have? No, he won't have a built-in playmate in the form of a brother or sister, but at this point, he'd be at least six years older than any sibling he might have (by the time said hypothetical sibling might be born), and that's really getting to be a big enough age gap that they wouldn't be constantly entertaining each other. And some days, I have doubts as to how well he'd cope with sharing my attention, even if I desperately wanted another child.

Add to that the fact that, right now, there are days it's all I can do to keep body and soul together, and days where it doesn't feel like I can handle all the responsibility of the one I've got, that I'm not sure I'd want to go back to newborn/infant days, even when Brian and I are married and it's not just me. It's challenging enough even now that we're done with potty training and learning to walk and talk and up fourteen times a night and total sleep deprivation, and I really don't know if I could get back into that baby groove.

And I have no idea why people feel the need to comment on my reproductive plans. If I had seven and wanted more, people would think I was nuts. If I had none, people would tell me, "oh, you should have at least one". If I say I'm stopping at one, I'm selfish. Screw 'em all, I know what works for me and mine, and that's what I'll do. I'm proof that only children can grow up well-adjusted and able to entertain themselves and able to play well with others, so I'm not worried a bit if I don't have another one.

[BamaGirl+]

Okay, well, here's my two cents....

I am an only and so is my DH! We both grew up in very loving households, I have cousins close to my age and so does he. I hated being an only and I always wanted a sister or brother to grow up with and I think DH did too, but our goal of having at least 3 or 4 kids only has little to do with how we felt growing up. It has a lot to do with building our family. Think about this, neither of us will ever be an aunt or uncle. Our children will NOT have 1st cousins to play with. They may possibly have 2nd cousins to play with if our cousins decide to have children, but then none of them live anywhere close to us.

I will hate it if we have 3 or 4 kids and they all fight and argue growing up, but that is the chance that we're willing to take. I just hope and pray that we will be able to teach our kids not to hate each other. Yeah right, huh???? :handbags:

Anne, If you and DH feel in your hearts that one child is enough, don't let anyone make you feel like you're not making the right decision or "depriving your child of a specific bond". From what I can tell your "only" is very happy and so are you!

~V

[Brandi]

Can I post here even though I have 2?

I just wanted to say that I have a brother and we don't get along very well. We are not close at all. My mother did a lot to wreck our relationship and we just like eachother that much anymore.

My mom has 2 brothers and none of them speak to eachother.

One of my best friends has 7 siblings and she will only speak to 2 of them and won't even give out her phone number to the others. They cause her a lot of pain.

I know you can tell me about families who love eachother and are the best of friends too, but I just don't even see how someone can tell you that you are hurting their futures by not having any more. I chose to have 2 because I did want them to have eachother, BUT, that was MY choice, not yours! I think we all do what we need to do to live our lives. For some, that means having 1 and others it means not having any at all! You are all wonderful parents and I'm sure you will provide your children with all that they need.