how do you feel?

[Faye]

How do you feel when you are out some place and you witness a parent being very mean to their child. In saying "mean" I guess I am saying that they would be yelling at the child, spanking them or jerking them around. I personally can not stand it and would never go up to them and say anything, but I have given a parent rude looks in the past for being so hard on their child. I just figure if the parent is that hard on the child out in public, that their little life must really be bad at home when they are in private. :blue: I don't care what age the child is, I feel that there are better ways to remedy the situation and the bad behavior. I just wonder if anyone else ever notices these things and how they feel.

[Carla]

I hate seeing stuff like that. It shocks me because children shouldn't be treated like that. I think it's only my shy nature that prevents me from saying anything. Fortunately I haven't seen anything too bad, it's just so sad that it happens :(

[JenniferC]

Oh I hate it...and I cant help but stare, I always watch just to make sure the kid isnt being totally abused (like in case I had to be a witness for something). Ive heard moms yelling and using bad language towards their children and it drives me crazy..the saddest part is that the kids normally dont react because they hear it all the time :(

[Bev]

I don't like it, but sometimes I feel sorry for the Mom because she might be at her wits end and just not coping. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I have never seen anything really bad.

[Linda]

I am that Mom.

Once, two years ago when DS was 4.5 we went down to the river to take the dog for a run. I had DS (4.5 at that time) and his brother (2.5 at the time) the dog and DS bike.
We had a lovely time throwing the ball in so the dog could swim for it, and throwing rock in the river to see the splashes, etc.

We were leaving and DS training wheels got stuck on the edge of the bridge and his bike wouldn't go anywhere. I explained that because one wheel was a bit higher he'd just have to get off and push it over the thingy it was stuck on. Well, he FLIPPED! He threw the bike down was screaming his head off about how he hated the bike. Fine, I said, leave it for the next child to come along to keep, OR use the two most important words in the English language. (Please help) He continued to scream, so I said See ya and started walking. Now he decides to say please help, so I got the bike unstuck, carried it across the bridge and set it down on the paved bike path. I explained again, that if he got stuck to ask for help and I would try to fix the training wheel when we got home, but I couldn't fix it properly without the right tools. Okay he said. Off we went. About 3 minutes later, he got stuck, the training wheel got wrecked again and he just sat there SCREAMING his head off for FIVE minutes while I tried very nicely to say stop spinning the wheels. I can't help you until you are sitting still or off the bike. Meanwhile, dog and other child are itching to get home, it's 30c out and we are hot and tired. After 5 minutes of this I lost it! I picked him up off the bike gave him two swats on the butt and told him to listen. I started to explain again about the wheels and a woman jumped out of the bushes and let me have it for hollering and swatting his butt. Well where the he// was she during all his screaming? She threatened to call social services on me, so I told her where to go.

The next day, I had a 45 minute stand off in Bowness Park with the 2.5 DS because he didn't want to go home after the train ride, and we had a deal. Picnic, playground, train and home. 45 minutes I sat there watching this kid flip and the only parents who were remotely sympathetic were the ones who had kids past age 2 who had been there. The mothers off all the sweet little sleeping newborns thought I was a monster. (Just you wait, Honey)

Sorry to rant but until you have been there with a kid who can and does push all your buttons ALL the time, you will just never understand.
Linda

[MelissaM]

Linda...I have been there...with three kids I have been there many times. I DO understand what it is like to be with a child who pushes all of your buttons - and I STILL have the utmost respect for the person who threatened to call social services on you. Sorry but it's true. I don't think there is EVER a situation that could POSSIBLY occur where I would be physical with my child either in public OR in private. As an attachment parent (this IS the forum that you are in) I pride myself on being able to make the claim that I have never ever struck my children. Ever.

Now...as to the original question. I have actually been lucky enough to never have necountered a situation in which I have seen a parent hit a child in public. Quite honestly I am pretty sure that if I did I would have to say something. It wouldn't be as harsh as the person who threatened Linda with Social Services but it would definitely be along the lines of "Please...you are in a public place and you are hurting your child. This is not a good idea. I know how hard it is when they are acting up but you must stop that NOW" When I hear parent's yelling at children and I am with my husband I will stare until I am noticed and then shake my head. Yes I know...I am a real bitch when it comes to this...but I can't help it! :lol:

[Linda]

Well, Melissa you sound like a good parent, and no I don't think you are a b!tch if the child is really being hurt. For me, at the time, it was two little swats, I don't think he was in imminent danger, nor do I think I was abusing him.

I know nothing about Attachment Parenting. I found the thread under "new posts" and had to reply that in fact there ARE parents who dearly love their children who sometimes end up doing the wrong thing. I am one of them. Often if a child is having a tantrum it is the parent I feel badly for as I know that parent is thinking that everyone around her thinks she is a horrible mother because her child is crying and she is ignoring it just long enough to pay the cashier, or trying to stop herself from crying and everyone is staring and nothing you do will please anyone. If you just try to calm the child down, some old biddy will either tell you that you are a bad parent because you "gotta show him who's boss" or someone else will tell you you are bad because that quick little swat is child abuse. Maybe I am too sensitive.

All I know for sure is that I love my boys more than anything and I try the best I can to be a good mother and sometimes my best isn't good enough.

[MelissaM]

Linda I am sure that your best is fabulous. It sounds like you are indeed a wonderful parent. But see the problem is that this forum is for parents who practice attachment parenting which means that we NEVER hit our children (we also believe strongly in breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing and NEVER allowing babies and infants to CIO) so I had to voice my opinion on the hitting. It is just against everything I believe in :)

[Dennis]

Melissa,

The impression I get (and maybe I'm totally wrong) is that when a parent seems to "lose it" - especially in public - it's because they're either having a really bad day and something finally pushed them over the top, or it's because they just don't know any better. In either case, I don't see how giving a disapproving look/head shake or saying "you have to stop this now!" is going to help the situation.

If you are inclined to get involved (unfortunately I'm not), I think it would be much better to approach the parent in a more constructive manner, maybe saying something like "you seem to be having a tough time, is there anything I can do to help?" I think that will probably get you a lot farther with them.

As for the original question, my feeling is that I never know the whole story, and unless I see something where I think the child is in real danger, I don't think it's my place to say anything.

Dennis

[MelissaM]

Melissa,

The impression I get (and maybe I'm totally wrong) is that when a parent seems to "lose it" - especially in public - it's because they're either having a really bad day and something finally pushed them over the top, or it's because they just don't know any better. In either case, I don't see how giving a disapproving look/head shake or saying "you have to stop this now!" is going to help the situation.

If you are inclined to get involved (unfortunately I'm not), I think it would be much better to approach the parent in a more constructive manner, maybe saying something like "you seem to be having a tough time, is there anything I can do to help?" I think that will probably get you a lot farther with them.

As for the original question, my feeling is that I never know the whole story, and unless I see something where I think the child is in real danger, I don't think it's my place to say anything.

Dennis
I actually agree Dennis...what you forget is that I live in such a small place that most people are not 100% strangers...you usually see them again and again. So I would be saying things to people that have seen me around anyway! :lol:

[magoo]

It usually just makes me sad. Sad for the kids. Sad for the parents. Just sad.

[chefkath]

Whether I'd say anything would totally depend on the situation and the viciousness of the abuse. If a parent was beating a child, slapping his bare skin, calling him names or something along those lines - I'd HAVE to speak up, because I'd be too horrified not to say anything. If a parent were spanking a child on his clothed butt, I probably wouldn't speak up, though I'd want to. But I would certainly make sure that if Brigit saw it happen, she understood how absolutely WRONG it is to hit other people. I'd be worried that if she saw an adult do it, she might start to think it was an OK thing to do.

Here's a true story that happened to my best friend a couple of weeks ago:

She was shopping with her son Asher (age 2 1/2.) She noticed another child about the same age tearing around the store, and his mother getting frustrated trying to keep him under control. But the mom kept making empty threats - "Get over here right now or you're going to GET IT!!!" and that sort of thing. Then the child spotted Asher, ran across the store at top speed and barrelled right into him (deliberately) knocking him to the floor. Asher started crying and Krista was consoling him. The other mom ran over, hauled her kid up by one arm, slapped his face and started shaking and smacking him over and over, all the while yelling at him, "What the hell are you doing??? WHERE do you GET this stuff? WHY do you ACT this way??"

:rolleyes: DUH!!! Why do you THINK he acts this way?? The mom said to Krista, "I don't know why he's like this" - Krista said, "Well YOU are HITTING him!! Why do you THINK he's like this? Do you REALLY not see the connection here?" The other mom then grabbed her son's arm and hauled him away, him screaming all the while. :furious: Krista was so upset she called me from the store practically in tears. I think she was most saddened by the fact that the other mom didn't even GET what a terrible example she was setting for her child - and she was blaming HIM for his violent behavior. It's just sad.

I guess I tell the story to illustrate how speaking up can be completely futile, despite one's best intentions. But I still think it's worth doing, especially if it serves to reinforce our own values to our children. (The only good part of the above story was Asher's reaction to the whole thing. When the woman started hitting her son, Asher got really upset and started screaming at her, "Don't hit him!!! Don't hit him! You're going to hurt him! Hitting is mean!" and so on. :aok: Yay Asher!)

[SarahK]

Wow, good for Asher! His parents obviously are teaching him well if he can react that way right after being bowled over! That's great!

[mommyLil]

This is really hard on me as well when it happens. I don't usually speak up. I live in an area where spanking is the norm. Where AP parents are treated like we're idiots who don't do anything to discipline their kids at all. ANd if you dare pick up a crying child you are spoiling them. This is the common attitude around here and if I were to speak up it wouldn't do any good. It breaks my heart when I see a child being spanked or yelled at.

As a side note, yes my son isn't a toddler yet he's only 10 months now and I've gotten the wait till he's two line from parents... trust me as high needs of a baby as he is I've dealt with the constant crying, screaming and being at the end of your rope feeling already. And 10 months he's quite good at throwing a temper tantrum (Trust me You'd believe me if you were in my house when I removed from the fireplace or took the car keys away to start the the car) I know I'll never spank no matter how far my rope is stretched cause it goes against everything I believe in and I'm really frustrated with people telling me I'll spank someday and I just don't know what the future holds... on this issue I do know.