I need to vent. I'm not putting this in Misery Loves Company because I'm not looking for hugs or sympathy, I just need to let out some frustration to other SAHMs.

Does anyone else ever feel over-worked and under-appreciated? Sometimes (like now) I feel like a doormat. Like everyone's slave. Alex acts like because he earns the money, he is the most important person in the family. His wants and needs supercede mine. I am so sick of being the first one out of bed every morning tending to the children while he sleeps in. I'm sick of him constantly going out to dinner or to a game or other social events leaving me home with the kids. I'm sick of him spending money on himself and making financial decisions without consulting me : It's like he lives in a hotel. He leaves his clothes all over the floor and they are laundered and back in his drawer by the time he gets home. His dinner is on the table for him every night. He comes and goes as he pleases. Just once I'd like someone to cook a meal for me. Just once I'd like to lift my feet while someone else vacuums the floor.

I choose to be a SAHM and that won't change anytime soon. I'd just like to be treated with a little more respect. I've been home with the kids for 7.5years now, maybe it's a 7 year itch. Whatever it is, I know that I'm feeling tired and miserable right now :( Does anyone else ever feel this way?

While I still work a few hours a day, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Unfortunately we don't get to "clock out" and that does get frustrating.

Please stand up for yourself and let Alex know exactly how you feel. Then I would suggest scheduling a day on the calendar as a "Clare" day. Don't ask or negotiate. Just tell him you are doing "X" and will be back later.

I think it's very difficult for a man who has never been in our position to understand and relate to the need to take a break and the resentment that builds up knowing that they can come and go as they please and get to have more of a life outside the home.

There is no better way to piss me off than to hear my husband say anything that resembles, "Well I make the money around here". I quickly remind him were it not for me, he would have to pay a huge sum of money to child care, driver, personal shopper, maid service, and whatever else I may provide.

Please let him know that you are serious and deserve a vacation or break. Many men are only asked to work weekdays for 40 hours a week. Not SAHM. Although it can be far more rewarding, it's still no monetary pay and job duties seem to be 24-7. I think asking for a few personal days or at least some appreciation and respect is only right and you deserve it. It can be a difficult and thankless job at times.

On a silly note: I've stopped putting my husband's clothes in his drawer for him. I just put them in his closet floor in a folded pile. Of course, he doesn't like it but I tell him that if my 5 year old can put her clothes away I would expect he can do it as well. Of course he doesn't like it but it makes me feel a little better and less like a servant.

I have totally felt like that. :nod: I do think you should talk to him and let him know that you're feeling unappreciated.

It sucks to feel like a housekeeper. So much of the stuff we do is total drudge work... repetitive crap that we do over and over and no one even notices or cares. And I do feel like that stuff is my job so I don't resent that part of it, but I'd like to get some acknowledgement of what I do. I agree w/ what Jen said and I've said this to Rudi too.... there are lots of things we'd have to spend money on and he'd have to spend time on if I was working too. Saving money is just as valid as making money.

Maybe it's a bigger issue for you now because of the possibility of moving? There are so many huge decisions to make and it's all on your plate. If he's like Rudi, he's just thinking about the work issues and not the millions of other things.

At risk of sounding like a 1950s handbook, make sure you are showing him appreciation and not harboring resentment toward him. Yes, he gets expense account lunches at nice restaurants, alone time during his commute, and recognition for his work. But he has zero flexibility. He has to take that freaking train at 7:53 each morning. He has to answer to a boss, sit in boring as hell meetings, and get chastised if he forgets to answer an email. I am so happy that I don't have to put up with that crap! I have a lot more flexibility, fun, and free time in my day than he does. Not that it should make me ever so indebted to him, but it does help me to remember that it's not all bad for me and not all good for him.

I really think you should leave him with the kids for a weekend every so often. When I go away (as I just did), he's noticeably more patient with the kids and just more understanding of the whole "home" situation. Note this is not a permanent effect so you need to reinforce it every few months!! :)

Thanks for the replies, Jen and Cami :)

I do get some time to myself during the week. Sam goes to daycare on Tuesday and Thursday so those days I have 6 hours while the kids are in school to myself. Most of the time I spend it doing grocery shopping and cleaning the house but occasionally I will just take the day off and go see a movie or something :)

My resentment towards Alex is not so much that he gets to go out to the office every day, it's more the social life that comes with it. He goes out to dinner at least once a week and a game or other function nearly every weekend. And he acts like that is more important then any plans I might have had for either myself or for the family.

Example. I work once a week. I'm only away from the house for 2.5hrs. I leave at 5pm on Tuesday and am home by 7.30pm. He knows that he needs to be home for those 2.5hrs each week. Last week, he informed me the day before that he was going out to dinner after work. I told him I wouldn't be home till 7.30pm so he couldn't go till then. He gave me a huge guilt trip about it, how I was ruining his evening :wtf: So he came home to watch the kids while I went, all the time reminding me that I had to rush through it and come home early. He took the kids to Hungry Jacks (Burger King) for dinner, so that he was closer to the restaurant and told me to meet them there. I left as soon as I could but was stuck in traffic and got there 10 minutes later then he was meant to be there. He was so pissed off, he refused to speak to me, just stormed out and left. I got to eat a foul Whopper for my dinner then deal with getting excitable and overtired kids home, bathed and into bed while he was out having a nice adult meal in a restaurant. Yet I was the one who was given the guilt trip :disbelief

Another example. I'm on the school P&F committee. There is a meeting once a month from 6.30pm till 7.30pm. I've had the date of the next meeting on the calendar for a couple of months now. But the other day he tells me he's going out to dinner that night and needs to be there by 6.30pm. I said no, I've got my meeting and he said too bad. He's going so I can't. That's what I mean by his wants being more important then mine. It's not the meeting so much that I don't want to miss (although I've made a commitment to be there and feel bad not showing up), it's the fact that I so obviously take 2nd place :mad:

Clare, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm not sure Alex would act any differently if you weren't a SAHM - he'd probably be just as self-centered. Either way, I hope you can figure out how to get through to him.

I agree with Dennis. Alex is not being fair to you having temper-tantrums because you're 10 minutes late! Gosh! :hug99:

He's being completely ridiculous and totally unfair. I'd be freaking pissed at him too.

My resentment towards Alex is not so much that he gets to go out to the office every day, it's more the social life that comes with it. He goes out to dinner at least once a week and a game or other function nearly every weekend. And he acts like that is more important then any plans I might have had for either myself or for the family.How much of that is actually required? Versus something he wants to do?

I'm on the other side of this coin, in that Joe is always bitching that I work too much. That's really hard to hear too, because it's not that work is more important to me...but I'm in a tough situation b/c if I don't work this hard (and maybe Alex feels this way) my family won't have as many opportunities.

But that said, I sure as hell don't leave my clothes lying around and I pitch in a ton at home. (Yes, that could also be a guy/girl thing.) I say screw him and his laundry - make him do it himself. :nod: And the thing about him guilting you about watching the kids...that is 100% inexcusable. And his putting your meeting so much lower when he's out that much...I'm mad for you. :hug99:

I say screw him and his laundry - make him do it himself. :nod: And the thing about him guilting you about watching the kids...that is 100% inexcusable.
:nod: I've recently started doing this. Not that Keith leaves his all over the floor, but he leaves them all over the basement and I've stopped folding/ironing/putting them away for him. Enough was enough.

I'm sorry Alex puts his needs before those of your family. :hug99:

How much of that is actually required? Versus something he wants to do?



I'd say half and half. His company sponsors a lot of sporting teams, so he is required to take clients to games/races etc every now and again. The problem is that he is a fan, so he goes even when it's not his turn to entertain. This weekend is the V8 supercar races (like Nascar). They sponsor one of the cars, so he has to go for a couple of hours one day. Because he is a motorsport fan though, he is going all day every day Thurs - Sun. He can get free tickets, so he's taking them. With no thought to the children and I sitting home by ourselves all weekend.

He is very self-centred, I've always known that. But before we had kids, he was close to an equal partner at home. Well, he's never cooked a meal, that's always fallen to me, but he used to do half the housework. Since I've been a SAHM though, he's stopped helping around the house. I agree that the bulk of the housework is my "job" but on weekends, I don't see why he gets to sleep in and sit on the lounge drinking beer and watching sport while I continue to do everything, or just come and go as he pleases without any thought to what I would like to do.

In any case, I'm feeling a bit better this morning :) I've been sleeping really badly so I know that fatigue has added to my mood. I've been invited out for dinner and drinks with some school mums tonight, so if I'm not feeling too dead tired I think I'm going to go :)

Go!!!!!!!!!!! You'll feel less tired once you're out. :nod:

I think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable in his expectations about work/life balance. Because it seems like he's using great work perks for his own benefit. If he was taking the kids or you, it would be different. But to go out that much just because he can is completley unacceptable for a married man with young children.

Are you hoping that by moving he'll get away from these opportunities and be at home more? Or would you be facing that same situation in England?

Bottom line...just because you're a SAHM, you're not a slave or a robot. You deserve your own life and your own schedule. You're a great person and you shouldn't accept anything less.

Bottom line...just because you're a SAHM, you're not a slave or a robot. You deserve your own life and your own schedule. You're a great person and you shouldn't accept anything less.

Absolutely! Go out tonight and have fun!

Clare, we discussed this already, but you know I am living a similar kind of hell with Tony. Although I have to say that I have stopped doing laundry altogether (I know you enjoy doing it so I am not suggesting stopping doing everyone's) but I do think that he can get a taste of his own medicine and you catering to him should stop.

It took me FOREVER to get Tony to realise that my job is 24/7 with out a break and his stops when he clocks off. He is now doing ALL the laundry, it's been a good 3-4 months since I did one single load. I still have to put up with the selfishness of constantly getting up to the kids whether it's the weekend or not, but I am starting to push more and more to get my break and he has started to give me atleast one day on the weekend off (even though my sleep in's are no where NEAR as long as his because he sends the kids in to wake me up :rolleyes: )

Either way I know how much it can suck and how horrible it feels to be taken advantage of. And I don't think anyone has a perfect answer to it, I do think that our men need to be shaken to the bone with the fear of what will happen if we do eventually crack. Maybe you and I should meet up for a weekend away somewhere in the middle, SA or something and let our men look after the kids while we get pampered and go watch movies and have dinners out. :giggle:

Clare, I'm so sorry you are going through this... it's completely unfair. I think Alex is being very selfish and unreasonable. that being said, have you tried talking to him about it? I don't mean arguing or getting confrontational, which is very easy to do when you are this upset (and i'm not saying you are or you aren't doing that).. but scheduling a time for the two of you to talk-about the situation, about how you see your family life, etc etc. It's very hard to do-to listen to the other person talk without wanting to interrupt or strangle them, but it works wonders. I'm sure Alex is not oblivious to your feelings, but perhaps, he doesn't understand exactly what you see and just how much you do and he doesn't. Helping him see it-and yes, men are not mind-readers in the most obvious situations (to us)-will make a world of difference. It's a process, but it would be a start..... Just an idea....

So I did go out with my friends on Saturday night :) And Alex was very smart and let me sleep in yesterday morning and even took the kids out for lunch to give me some time to myself.:aok: Of course I spent that time cleaning the house b/c it was an absolute pigsty after his time in charge :rolleyes: but I can't expect miracles!

:lol: baby steps.

Popping in to say I truly hope you spell it out for your husband. I am a working mom, but my husband feels all the duties, childcare, household chores, etc. automatically fell on me, while he went about scheduling his social calendar without any regard to me. I actually had to point out, situation by situation, where I thought he was wrong, and only then did he realize what he was doing. And I told him he absolutely needed to take steps to change his behavior, or he would find himself sleeping outside the house! Seriously! No one deserves that kind of treatment.

I cannot even imagine being in your situation with your husband! :justahug: I must be really lucky to have the husband I do...B is always doing housework and stuff. I can't remember the last time I had to unload/load the dishwasher (I know that's a small feat, but with the boys right there "helping" I just gave up on doing it months ago) or taking the laundry down to the basement and so on. I honestly hope that Alex catches a clue sometime in the near future and starts thinking of you/the kids first rather than himself. I know that if it wasn't for B practically kicking me out of the house to spend some "me time" I'd probably belong in a rubber room sooner rather than later. (okay, that's an overstatement, but sometimes that's just how I feel when I'm the one with them 24/7!) I'll be checking up on you...and I'm here listening whenever you need another ear!! :)