my husband is a breastfeeding nazi

[Melissa in Italy]

Wow it's been a long while since I've been on here...not much time with a new baby around! William was born 1/21/07 and he's doing great!

We're having some conflict about how to feed William... I successfully breastfed DD for 10 months before she self-weaned. I'm trying to do the same for DS but am having some serious nerve pain in my nipples & breasts that I don't feel able to work through anymore. I am pumping to provide milk for him but I'm not sure how long that will work. All this on top of the fact that breastfeeding isn't something I even want to do, I only do it because I know it's best. So here's my problem: in an argument today DH told me that if I "pussy out on breastfeeding you are a piece of shit" and I am "no longer needed here". He made sure to reiterate the "piece of shit" part. Should I feel forced to do this because of his feelings about it? Seems either decision will bring resentment from one of us. :bawl:

[stass]

Congrats on your boy!

What do you think is causing so much more pain this time? Do you think you'd want to if you didn't have such pain?

[TtownAnne]

Tell your abusive husband to get over himself and if he's so up on breastfeeding maybe he should grow a breast and take over the feeding!

[Joan]

Melissa, first congratulations on you son! I am sorry you are not getting support from your husband. I agree with Anne, he is being abusive to you! Maybe you should have him read up on breastfeeding, problems with, nipple pain and how STRESS makes things worse! I would be incredibly hurt and angry if my husband said those things to me.

I agree with you that any decision you make (quit bf/keep at it) will cause problems.

[Lyoshka]

Melissa, first of all, congratulations on your new bundle of joy!!!! We want some pictures :)

Second of all, sorry about your husband not being understanding. I was actually shocked at the words he used towards you-seems harsh and abusive. Does he talk like this to you a lot? This may not be a thread for it, but I just thought it was waaaaaaaaay out of line... sorry you are having to deal with his attitude, hon.. please feel free to vent! :hug99:

[marcy]

Melissa, congratulations on the birth of William!

I'm sorry about the pain that you're having, but good for you for continuing to pump to provide him with milk. Like Stacey said, any idea what's causing it? You're on a base in Italy? Can you talk to an LC to see if there are latch or other problems? Maybe you can resolve the pain part of it.

Your husband's comments were totally uncalled for. I'm sorry he treated you in that way.

[MamaGoofy]

Wow! :jawdrop: I can't believe he spoke to you that way. How rude! Breastfeeding is not something you should feel forced to do. It's something that you should want to do and the fact that you were doing it despite the fact that you didn't want to speaks volumes! If you want to continue BF then maybe call your doctor and see what he/she can recommend. If that doesn't work you can call the lactation consultant at the hospital (providing you have a LC) and she what they can do for you. If continueing to BF isn't what YOU want to do then you should stop. Many babies have grown and lived healthy lives by drinking formula! Your DS will be fine. Actually he may be better off because then feeding time will be more enjoyable for both you and DS. Tell your husband (and I use that term losely) to stuff a sock in it and shut the hell up! This is a subject that he doesn't get to voice an opinion or anything on.

Good luck sweetie. I hope you find an answer that YOU are comfortable with. :hug99:

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY!!! We must see some pictures!!

[MrsPeacefrog]

I would tell him that the way he treats you is no longer welcome here and kick him out the door!

What an asswipe!

I agree BF is best, but he should be encouraging you with caring words not abusive ones. I was a formula fed baby and I am healthy and fine, so if it doesn't work out your baby won't suffer.

With all 3 of my babies BF hurt for the first 3 odd weeks, then it all just fell into place and it stopped hurting. Maybe it needs more time? have you tried a nipple sheild?

[Nichole]

:jawdrop: So what are you? Just a milk machine? What he said was awful and I'm sorry he's treating you that way. :hug99: How about telling him that since the babies have all been conceived, he's no longer needed there? :disbelief

Breastmilk is great and all, but it's not the be all and end all of a baby's life, IMO. Your baby will be fine if you decide not to breastfeed him; millions of babies seem to manage just fine in formula. You do what you feel comfortable doing. If you're feeling forced into it and unhappy, your baby can pick up on that and it could also affect your milk supply, too.

Good luck! :hug99:

[Silke]

:jawdrop: So what are you? Just a milk machine? What he said was awful and I'm sorry he's treating you that way. :hug99: How about telling him that since the babies have all been conceived, he's no longer needed there? :disbelief


I was thinking the same thing. Are you his wife or a baby/breatmilk-making machine?
There are plenty of babies that grow up on formula.

[Melissa in Italy]

Thanks for the kind words and congratulations everyone.


I have seen two LCs who have also consulted with each other and they agree there are no latching or supply problems and that the pain is nerve-related. We don't know if it's something that will get better over time, but so far it's only gotten worse to the point that I cry out on latching and continue to cry through feedings. It continues after feedings for a couple of hours. I had pain in the first few weeks with DD too, but it was different. With her the pain was coming from the outside (skin) whereas this time the pain is coming from the inside (nerves). My nipples look healthy (ie not cracked or bleeding) so it's hard to believe there is so much pain.

I have use of a hospital-grade pump for a month (on loan from one of the LCs). Starting today I pump and give him a bottle of breast milk. The pump is easier on the pain so I'm hoping if there is some damage or irritation it will heal and I can go back to nursing. If not I will pump for as long as I can - either until the pump is no longer effective in making me produce milk or I don't have access to a good pump (I have a small double-electric pump but it's not meant for regular use and the hospital-grade pumps are not readily available).

My mom suggested warm compresses so I'll give that a shot. Meanwhile I just take some motrin when the pain is worst but that doesn't seem to do much.

As far as DH...yes unfortunately this kind of thing happens often but most of the time I am able to turn a deaf ear to it. Our relationship is pretty crummy but that's a whole other thread.

It's really nice to have all the input. Keep it coming!

[Melissa in Italy]

have you tried a nipple sheild?

I thought of it but I'm not really sure what they are or how they work. Any info?

I would love to post a pic but I don't think I can since I'm not a member.

[MamaGoofy]

You just do the best you can and tell dh to eat a shit sandwich! :hug99: Sorry you are in so much pain.

[Melissa]

Melissa, I'm so sorry! Is there anyone you can talk to about all of this??? See if you can speak with the post chaplain. There are people that can help you, if this is normal in your relationship it isn't a healthy environment. I know Tricare will pay for mental health visits to a professional.

Congratulations on your son! Children are fine on both BM and formula.

[Bev]

:hug99: Not much to say, the others said it all. Lots of :hug99: for you and :congrats: on William!

[Lyoshka]

Melissa, if you want to vent about DH and just have a place to talk to somebody (somebodies, there are lots of us listening here :) )....please please please don't hesitate. That is what we are here for and I can only imagine how awful it must feel not to have anyone to share this with and just to vent and get things off your chest. It's bad enough you have a newborn and hormones are still raging on their own, you don't need the added emotional pain of a bad relationship on top of it...not now, not ever. So please, talk to us. We'll listen...and we'll probably give unsolicited advice, but only because we want to help :grin: .... Have you maybe considered subbing?

[LISA]

I can only imagine how awful it must feel not to have anyone to share this with and just to vent and get things off your chest. It's bad enough you have a newborn and hormones are still raging on their own, you don't need the added emotional pain of a bad relationship on top of it...not now, not ever

Exactly what I wanted to say:nod: please know your not alone in this, we're all here for ya :hug99: Congratulations on your son! :)

[Bridget]

Melissa congrats on your beautiful baby boy. :justahug:

I am not very helpful when it comes to breastfeeding but I did use nipple shields for a while - they're just like thin plastic covers that cover over your nipple and help reduce the sensation. I didn't last long bfing but they were a great help to me, esp. when I had mastitis.

As for your husband... his words were cruel and terrible. What's his family like? Did he learn that behavior at home? I am wondering how he would feel about what he said if you asked for public (family) commentary on what he said.

You are not a piece of shit! However, I hope you can find someone to talk to. Is it finances that keep you from subbing here? Sure would like to see some pics ;) .

[Jillian]

Second of all, sorry about your husband not being understanding. I was actually shocked at the words he used towards you-seems harsh and abusive. Does he talk like this to you a lot? This may not be a thread for it, but I just thought it was waaaaaaaaay out of line... sorry you are having to deal with his attitude, hon.. please feel free to vent! :hug99:


I agree, with all the breastfeeding issues aside, no one should ever talk to you like that, especially your DH.

As for breastfeeding, I may keep trying for him if he had asked nicely and gave good reasons, but wow, I'd probably quit just because he talked to me like that. :bighug:

[Clare]

There's a piece of shit in your home and it's not you! :furious: I'm furious that he would speak to you like that! Who does he think he is, Michael Jackson? Incubate and birth my babies, then your work here is done? :rolleyes:

As for the breastfeeding, I am an advocate but it was easy for me. I know that not everyone can or wants to nurse and if it isn't for you, then both you and William will be happier if you stop. This really doesn't have anything to do with your husband. You need to make the decision that will be right for you and your baby :hug99:

[Morgansmom]

I actually used a nipple shield for about a month while I nursed my daughter and it helped me tremendously. Mine was a Medela but I'm not sure what would be avaliable there. They come in different sizes and a LC would be able to help you pick the right one for you. However if it is nerve problems I'm not sure a shield will help. If you can't continue to BF then you can't. We can only do what we can do and you baby will be just fine on formula. I've actually said many times I wish men could experience some of the pain that can be asociated with BF and then having to do that 8-10 times a day. Ouch.

[marcy]

Melissa, how are you doing?

[ykmama]

Sorry to hear your having bad issues with your husband. Insert long bleep here. What he said was completely gross and hopefully he realizes his jackass behavior is not helping an already stressful situation.

I had painful latching problems in the beginning until my little piglet stopped attacking my nipples so I can sort of sypathize with the pain your feeling (although my problem wasnt nerve related). Hopefully you can pump and the problem will resolve but if not formula is not poision to babies, if it was myself and my brothers wouldnt be here along with the millions of other babies that were fed formula. I considered switching after the first two weeks and my problem wasnt near as bad as yours. If you have to switch, then thats what you need to do, newborns are stressful enough just being with you, that you dont need to subject yourself to a painful and stressful situation as well. Dont let your husband bully you into doing something your body is not able to do right now.

If you need a ear we are all here for you.
Big Hugs,
Andrea

[Lyoshka]

How is everything going, Melissa? How is BF? How is the situation with your marriage? Please come and talk to us!

[Melissa in Italy]

Thanks everybody! Sorry I haven't checked back in during the past few days. I've made the unfortunate discovery that pumping and bottle-feeding take TWO hands and are therefore not conducive to multi-tasking!!!


DH and I talked about what he said. Basically his position is that "women who pop out babies to have them raised by babysitters/daycares and formula-feed so they can sit at home eating hohos are pieces of shit". He didn't understand the severity of the pain I am having. (I guess I didn't complain enough?) Admittedly, I didn't discuss it too much with him. I guess I didn't feel it had anything to do with him. Anyway, I disagree with his militant view but nonetheless he is entitled to it. He said he was trying to encourage me in his own "iron fist" way. But I explained to him that like Jillian said, it made me want to quit just to spite him, having quite the opposite effect than he intended. So I am out of the "piece of shit" category for now I guess.

I went back to BFing at night for two nights to try to ease back into it but the pain grew worse with each feeding. I am back using the pump full-time. At William's 2-wk checkup the Ped suggested I see my OB so I went today but the Dr. was called out for a delivery. The OB nurse I saw instead didn't see or feel any problems with my breasts but called back after speaking with the doctor and they want me & William to come back tomorrow because the Dr. suspects thrush. I wondered that myself but I don't see any evidence of a yeast infection in his mouth, and I wouldn't know what symptoms to look for on my nipples. Aside from the nerve pain, my nipples feel like they're on fire (all the time - not just at feedings) and during feedings it feels like DS is sawing my nipple off. The pain radiates through my breasts. So I guess we'll go back tomorrow and hope thrush is the answer. Otherwise, I'll be weaning DS to formula in short order. I haven't told DH and I'm not sure how strongly he'll react. I'll try to get back with an update after tomorrow's Dr. visit... thanks again for the support!

[Lyoshka]

Melissa, first of all, lots of hugs to you, girl! A couple of things came to mind when I was reading your reply... I never had thrush so I can't comment from experience, but sounds like it may be thrush, that would explain the pain you have...i hope it is, because then you can get some meds and feel better :hug99:

As far as your DH...and please tell me to butt out anytime, ok? I don't want to make you feel like i'm overstepping my boundaries, just trying to understand what kind of a relationship you have. Do you normally discuss issues, stuff that's bothering you about each other? Do you "talk"? Do you have dates? It sounds like he didn't understand how much pain you were in... But even aside from that issue, his view of women sitting at home and eating hohos bothers me. if that is what he thinks, he clearly does not understand that you do at home MUCH MORE with one kid (let alone 2 now), than he does ALL DAY at the base. I know you know that, but i don't think he does? Have you ever tried leaving him with your daughter for a whole day? (last time I did that with DH-conference all day-he cooked me breakfast in bed the next day and bought me flowers :lol: ...it really made him see how much we do).

THere are lots of great books you could read together to build the relationship, one that I would highly recommend is "The 5 Love Languages." Dh and I read it together when we were dating (1 chapter a week, and we'd read it out loud and then talk about it)...it helped clear up A LOT of misunderstandings and spelled out ways for him to treat me right and vice versa. I think it's great for any couple....do you think your DH would agree to read it with you?

[marcy]

Melissa, glad you checked in. I'm sorry about the worsening pain, and I hope that when you meet with your dr tomorrow they can figure out why.

As for your husband, I'm not sure where he gets his views of some mothers. I'm sure you're not the type to lock your children in another room so you can watch TV movies and eat chocolate all day. You're under a lot of stress and lack of sleep, and you're doing a great job with your current situation.

[Melissa in Italy]

OK...the Ped said even though William may be asymptomatic that it could still be a yeast infection, especially if I am sensitive to yeast, which I think I am. We started treatment today and will hopefully see some improvement over the weekend. If not, we have to go back for a stronger treatment next week. Apparently when the OB nurse spoke to the OB, the Dr. immediately said my symptoms sounded like thrush. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the answer. I can't believe I'm saying this but I am eager to get back to BFing and not have to deal with all the hassle of bottles & pumping!


A little insight on DH's views: His mom was a single mom of two and maintained a successful military career. In his eyes she is a saint. I agree that she did a fantastic job under difficult circumstances. But I think being a SAHM has its own set of difficulties and he fails to see or acknowledge that. I think he is more interested in being right and getting his way in this situation than in trying to truly understand it or care about me. Trying to make him understand always leads to a bitter argument so I will just let him think what he wants and I will do what I have to do.

Thanks for the support everyone!

[kika]

Melissa,

I just read your post and wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with pain, both physical and emotional...

I experienced some pain with BF my DS, but it was nothing compared to what you are describing. My mother BF all 4 of her kids, and she was a great source of support for me. My children's father was not supportive. He believed BF was child abuse, and voiced his opinion as such FREQUENTLY. When I broke down one day from the pain, he was completely unsympathetic. Thank goodness for my mom. The BF interferred with our relationship, and eventually I stopped at 4 months (with both ds and dd).

Do you have other sources of support in addition to the LC? Someone you can cry or whine to, even outside of business hours? I think that is important. And I also think that it is best that you make whatever decision you can live with here and now, and in the long run. I know you want what's best for your baby and your relationship, but you also have to take care of yourself in order to be able to give either one your best.

As for the DH, I understand how you feel. I lived with an abusive husband for 8 years. I understand that it is not all black and white...it is a hundred different shades of grey...what do you do when someone is great 75% of the time, and horrible 25%? My ex was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me...But he was a great dad. It took it's toll on our relationship and on me. I became a different person- I am very vocal- but I became afraid to voice my opinion and concerns because I didn't want to start a fight. I stopped telling him how I felt because I figured he didn't care anyway.

We eventually stopped going on dates and talking much. We were cordial most of the time, but every now and then the abuse would start again. Sometimes it was as mild as being called the b word (which hurt my feelings, I am such a wimp sometimes) or as bad as him on top of me choking the hell out of me. But then it would stop and things would calm down again. Eventually, in the last two years, he stopped the physical abuse altogether, but the verbal abuse and emotional withholding continued. It was a rough life. We went to counseling for 9 months, all to no avail.

We eventually separated.

I just thought I'd share my story with you. Your story made memories rush back for me, and I felt pain for what you are going through. There are days I still struggle with it and some of my decisions, especially because I know it hurt my babies to separate from him. But it also hurt them to stay with him...When he would yell at me, my dd used to say, "Please stop being mean to mommy!"

Okay, so I am crying now so I have to stop! I honestly don't have any advice because I now each situation is different. But I wanted to let you know that I have much sympathy for you...And always a lending ear.

I hope your breasts feel better soon.

[Melissa in Italy]

Thank you kika. :blue:

[MamaGoofy]

Wow Kika I had no idea. :hug99:

Melissa: I hope that you have thrush..odd I know but at least it will be an answer to your pain. I am glad that dh is understanding a bit more where you are coming from. Good luck! :hug99:

[jessicaabruno]

There's a piece of shit in your home and it's not you! :furious: I'm furious that he would speak to you like that! Who does he think he is, Michael Jackson? Incubate and birth my babies, then your work here is done? :rolleyes:

As for the breastfeeding, I am an advocate but it was easy for me. I know that not everyone can or wants to nurse and if it isn't for you, then both you and William will be happier if you stop. This really doesn't have anything to do with your husband. You need to make the decision that will be right for you and your baby :hug99:

Melissa,

Sorry, I feel I need to give you a reply on this as well. I'm new to OUAL. I'm currently a mother or wife, but want to be one, also breastfeed until my baby/ies wean from the breast, not me wanting them to wean.

ITA with everyone said especially Clare on the breastfeeding part. Suggest you and dh get some marriage counseling before you guys can't take each other for a divorce. Be sure its not an counseliner whos helping with getting ready for divorce.

Thank you.