Hitting, what to do?

[AmyP]

I put this in special needs because a lot of our problem is due to Sarah's speech delay, or at least I think so. Also, the way to figure out what to do about this is something that's also a problem due to cognitive delays.

Sarah has recently started hitting on a regular basis. She's hit before, but it's gotten excessive lately. She started hitting me repeatedly when she wants something, like for me to set off her TMX Elmo. I always tell her, "We don't hit" and try to encourage her to sign "more". I remind her, "How do you ask?" and I put her hands into the sign for more. She knows how to do that sign when asking for more food, but hasn't made the connection to the meaning outside of mealtime. Anyway, once I've gotten her to ask nicely, I set it off for her.

This I can tolerate, but now she's hitting other children. We've been to playgroup Friday and Monday and both times she's hit the other children repeatedly. On Friday it was when provoked - she'd get hit or shoved or a kid would take her toy. I always took her away from the child and told her "We don't hit." Most of the time, she'd just do it again.

Today it was worse. She was hitting the other children for no reason, although most of the time it was because she wanted whatever toy they had. I took her away from the other kids whenever she hit and I almost took her home early because she wouldn't stop. She eventually did, at least to a point, so we stayed.

What do I do? I just don't know how to make her stop this. If she doesn't stop, we're going to have to stop going to playgroup. The other moms know about her delays and understand, but I don't want to be the mom of the kid everyone groans about. I'm afraid they might even kick us out if this behavior doesn't stop. Delays or not, it's not fair to the other moms and other children for me to bring Sarah if she's going to hit the other kids all the time.

Time out is something she doesn't understand, so I doubt that will work. I don't hit her and I won't, especially because hitting her and telling her not to hit is pointless. I can't tell her to use her words because she only says three words. We have an appointment with her teacher tomorrow, so I plan to discuss it with her as well. I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone has on this situation. She's about 15 months in cognitive skills and maybe 12 months in speech.

[TtownAnne]

Restraint. No, I don't mean handcuffs. :giggle: But when Caroline was about 12-16 months (the approx. developmental ages you posted for Sarah), I would sort of pinion her hand down and say very seriously "NO hitting!" If I was holding her and she hit me, I would restrain her hitting hand with my other hand to my chest and tell her that. If she was running around hitting other kids, I would make her face me, take both her hands in my hands, and say the same. If it continued, I would make her sit on my lap for a minute or so, restraining her hands, and say it again.

[Cami]

Aubrey went through a phase of hitting, mostly due to frustration with speech. I would grab her arms (like Anne is suggesting) and say, "no hitting, give hugs" and I'd give her a hug. I think you're doing all the right things... getting her to use the sign and reward her when she does.

About playgroup, I'd talk to the other moms, let them know she's going through a hitting phase and you're on top of it and will leave playgroup for a bit if need be. Hopefully they would be understanding and encourage you to stay, lots of kids do this... I'd think the way to compromise (and maybe teach Sarah too) is that you'll leave playgroup for the day if she hits anyone.

[Karri]

We did the same thing suggested above (we called them time-ins), esp. the modeling of the appropriate behavior. I don't think any normal parent will get upset with hitting, as long as they see that you're trying to work with Sarah on it. Almost every child goes through the hitting phase and delays or not, its a bitch to work through with them. You just have to pick an approach and stick with it and remain constant every single time she hits. It takes a long time for it to sink in. Its so much easier for them just to hit...think about it. Still at age 3, Norah's first instinct is to bite her brother rathe than talk. Its easier.

[AmyP]

I've been doing what Anne has said, so that's good. Just pulling her hands away and pinning them down, and then holding her in my lap for a minute or two if it continues. That's about as close to time-out as I can make her understand.

I told Sarah this morning if she hits again we'll leave. I know she doesn't understand that, but it did stop.

At least it's reassuring that I'm doing the right thing. The parents have been understanding thus far, but I want to make sure I stay on top of this. I'll keep consistent and hope for the best.

[Jillian]

I don't really have an answer. Kincaid has a hard time with things like this, because of his sensory issues he doesn't feel pain, so he has no idea why what he is doing is wrong...he doesn't do it in the same context as sara though...it's not because he wants something someone else has or anything, he just thinks it's fun... IE he enjoys what it feels like to pinch, scratch, bite, or slap himself, so why wouldn't everyone else enjoy it? It's very frustrating, cause he isn't being mean, and he doesn't understand punishment, and his OT has even suggested we don't punish him for these things...so I have no clue what to do about it.

[MrsPeacefrog]

I think every child goes through this, and I think it will help you to see that it's not particularly due to any delays she has, but due to the fact she is a child and they do these things. Heck my 4.5yr old still hits every now and again if he doesn't get his way.

I like the suggestions the others gave. Good luck.

[Brandi]

We went through this with Carter (who doesn't have any speech or cognitive delays). Like others have said, I think every kid goes through it. We also told Carter that we would leave if he hit. And we did. It sucked! Playgroup was as much for me as it was for him - probably even more. Do you think that if she hits and you leave right away that she will start to put the two together? Why not at least go to playgroup and then when and if she hits, take her home. You knew you wouldn't get to go anyway, and maybe you can get a lesson in about hitting at the same time. I think it's good to let other moms see that you are on top of it. Like someone else above said, most moms don't mind the hitting, they just don't like it when the mom (or whoever the caregiver is) doesn't do something about it. I think you are on the right track. It's hard when it's your child doing it.

[Clare]

Just agreeing with the others that this isn't due to her delays. Most kids go through a hitting and/or biting stage. Sam is 3 and will still occasionally hit or bite. It's frustrating and embarrassing and I hate being the parent of that child, but most parents are understanding b/c their kids have gone through it themselves!!

[AmyP]

I'm not sure at this point she'd understand if we left playgroup when she hit. While she enjoys the company of the other kids (when she's not hitting them), she could take it or leave it. It's more for me right now to connect with other moms. I don't think she'd care if we left playgroup, even if she did figure out we're leaving if she hits. We probably will have to start doing that anyway because I don't really get to talk to the other moms as much when I'm grabbing Sarah every 2 minutes.

You know, Anne, handcuffs don't sound too bad at this point. Think they make those in toddler sizes? :giggle:

[buzzjen]

Katie's been hitting recently, too (she's just a bit older than Sarah). What I've been doing is similar to PP - when she hits (usually it's me), I hold her hand, say we don't hit, and then model gentle touches (I use her hand to stroke my cheek). She seems to be responding to it really well. Now, most of the time I just verbally correct if she hits her brother - but I figure he's got it coming for all the times he's been mean to her.:giggle: