Anxiety in children

[TtownAnne]

Not even sure if this is the right place for this - if not, please feel free to move.

I got a call from Caroline's teacher last night that really made me sad. She was telling me about how worked up Caroline gets about the littlest things at school. She said that being as they really enforce independence with the kids, Caroline (who hates doing things on her own, she wants help with EVERYTHING) goes completely into a panic about it. She screams for the teachers to help her in the bathroom, even though they know she can do all the steps herself - and as soon as they confirm with her that she did everything, she is completely FINE. (and I knew this was a problem - Caroline does everything she can to avoid getting dressed by herself; the only way she would do it willingly is if my hands were surgically removed!)

Ms. Y informed me that even after a year, Caroline is still scared enough of talking to the teachers that she will avoid asking to do new things because it will involve being "up close and personal" with the teachers for a period of time. She has taken to biting her nails, and chewing on the inside of her lip until it bleeds. The worst part is, Caroline is hiding all this from us, and I only heard about it from the teacher - Caroline only said that she went to the bathroom by herself, had a good day, worked with her friends, etc.

I'm going to talk to the pediatrician about this today, but I didn't know if anyone else knew anything about it. What can be done? Is there some way for us to talk her through it? What can be done to build her sense of independence and confidence?

I'm so sad that my girl is apparently unhappy. :sigh:

[Bridget]

First of all :hug99:

Second, you should not feel like you are doing something wrong as a parent or that because Caroline is having some problems she is necessarily all that unhappy. :nono:

I can only imagine how stressful this all must be for you guys. I think maybe you should ask your ped. about it and possibly have them recommend a psychologist who specializes in children. This might make you feel weird, but I'll bet there's lots of people out there who have experience helping kids with anxiety.

And unlike parents who are mean, or ignore their children or do other terrible things, you know that Caroline has a loving and supportive environment, and you'll do everything in your power to help her.

Just remember we're all here for you. She'll come through it eventually I just know it. :hug99:

[Karri]

Anne - I know that you guys really wanted her in this school, but have you mulled over the idea that maybe Montessori isn't the appropriate environment for Caroline? Some kids just don't thrive in it and maybe Caroline is one of them. Maybe she needs more structure and more instruction and less freedom? Correct me if I am wrong, but IIRC from my experience in the montessori classroom, the kids learn mainly from environment and other children and the teacher is there as more of a facilitator and observer.

Anyway...that's just a thought. Maybe talk to her pediatrician about that. And like Bridget said, talk to her pedi about the possibility of a therapist. Its not a bad thing. A child therapist could observe her and can can help you with this.

:hug99: I am sorry that you guys are struggling with this. You'll get through it.

[Dennis]

Anne, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any advice other than talking to your ped. Maybe he/she can recommend a child pyschologist who might be able to help. And Karri has a good point about the school - maybe it's just not the right place for Caroline.

I will say that Joe is somewhat similar with wanting help, but we've found his motivator - sticker charts. We've been going through the same thing with getting dressed by himself and we set up a sticker chart today and he couldn't dress himself fast enough. Maybe you can find something that will motivate her to do things. (Okay, I guess I did have a litte advice :) )

Good luck. These are things that make parenting really hard.

Dennis

[TtownAnne]

Thanks everyone - I did talk to Dr. L today, and she said she doesn't think it is quite to the point of needing professional help yet, because her fears/anxieties are obviously geared to one particular thing (school) and only a few aspects of that particular thing (going to the bathroom alone and one-on-one time with the teacher), but not ruling all aspects of her life. She said that she thinks with some behavior modification and our reading about ways to help her could be a good start and we'll see if there has been some improvement in a month or so.

I don't think the school is so much of an issue as this particular teacher. While Ms. Yost is an academic marvel - if a TV reporter were doing a story on Montessori, he'd definitely be sent to her classrom for an example of just how well Montessori works - she is definitely lacking something in the empathy/compassion department, especially in dealing with young kids. Hell, she scares ME, I can understand how she'd be intimidating to a nervous kid.

So, I've got a bunch of books on order from the library about childhood anxiety and behavior modification and we'll see what happens from here.

[Hannabanana]

:bighug: No advise here but it sounds like talking with your ped was a good thing.

[Dennis]

Is there any way you can switch her to a class with a different teacher?

[Karri]

Well I am glad the pediatrician was able to give you some tips (she was able to give you some behav. modif. tips, no?)

I am not trying to be pushy nor am I trying to come off anti-montessori, because I would put my own kids in it if we didn't have a great public school system. However, the way you described the teacher kinda scares me. Aidan's kindy teacher is wonderful. Everyone raves about her. Like you said, if someone was to come into the school and show how a 4 yr old kindy class works, they'd go into her class. However, her teaching style doesn't work with everyone. And I know parents who have moved their kids because of it. And that's not wrong, IMO. You just do what you need to do for your kids.
Two months ago at the PTO meeting I went to, the principal was talking to us about Professional Learning Communities and why they instituted it in our school and one of the big reason was that research shows that teachers, not parents, have the #1 impact on kids education. That's a lot of babble, but my point is that Caroline is such a young age and shouldn't have such a high anxiety level towards school. I could understand it if it was towards everything. KWIM? Just some food for thought.

[Kara]

my neice is somewhat similar...I think hers is more low self esteem though ...What modifications did they suggest to try?

[Jayne]

I have to agree with Karri. I think that while you can have a great teacher that doesn't mean that teacher works for every child and that every educational technique is for every child.

Tylor went through a lot of Anxiety. He struggled with perfection. Not something we cared about at all but he cared about it. To the point that he wouldn't ask for help in class because he felt it meant he wasn't smart enough. He actually would cry from the stress after a while. This lasted through first grade when he finally had an amazing teacher who broke through his shel. We worked night and day with him trying to make him understand that we loved him no matter what and we were there for him and he didn't have to be perfect, he just had to be him!

I know that isn't Caroline's problem but maybe in a way it is some self esteem. Maybe she needs to gain some confidence somehow.

[Clare]

:hug99: It sounds like you feel a little better about the situation after talking to the ped, no? I hope that the books can give you some idea about how to make Caroline more independant and comfortable at school.

As you know, we have similiar issues with Harry. He is so withdrawn at school, from the minute I leave till the minute I pick him up, he retreats into a shell. He avoids contact with everyone, teachers and students, if he can. He sits by himself and stares at his lap. It is heartbreaking to know that he spends 6 hours of his day like that, so I know what you mean about it making you sad :hug99:

[Bev]

:hug99: Sounds like you got some good advice. I'd consider switching teachers in the new year if possible, just to see if it makes a difference.

[stass]

I wish I had switched Saxon's teacher last year, I know he would be farther ahead than he is now. I wish I had gone with my gut. Though I am happy with his progress this year it just makes me realize how much better it could have been.

Basically I am saying trust your instincts. :nod: