Should I say something to my friend?

[sheila]

Ok, so Katie plays with 2 other 2 year olds in the neighborhood. The little boy she plays with doesn't talk much, and is more of a watcher than a player wither. When his mom dropped him off last Friday, she mentioned that he has a very hard time when the TV is turned off (screaming for an extended period of time). She also mentioned that he had a similar reaction to the car stopping because the radio would go off, so she has started turning down the radio gradually while they are driving so it is already off by the time they get home.

Because a friend's son was recently diagnosed as autistic, it set off some alarm bells when she was describing is transition issues. I mentioned this child to my friend (the recent diagnosee's mom) and her face just crumpled before I could even ask if she thought I was overreacting. She said I should talk to her about it as soon as possible because it sounds like something could be up and the earlier they catch it the better.

So... do I say something? And if so, how? The mom is a friend, but not a close friend. I have no problems watching her kids or dropping mine off to have her watch mine, and we talk when we see each other. But she is not someone who I would ever call just to chat. Is there a way to bring it up without pissing her off? Or should I just wait and see if she voices a concern?

[AmyP]

That's a really tough one. It really puts you in a tough position. I agree that the behavior is very odd and definitely something that should NOT be ignored.

I'm not great with this stuff, but maybe you could say something on the lines of "My friend's son did xyz just like your son and his doctor was really concerned about the behavior."

I'd steer clear of mentioning autism specifically, though. It could really piss her off that you're suggesting her child is autistic, especially if he's not. If I had a nickel for every time someone, my family included, suggested Sarah was autistic, I'd be rich. (She's not, it's just something people have heard of so they decide that's her problem since she's delayed.)

Is the child at an age where he should be seeing a pediatrician for a well-child visit soon? If so, I'd suggest she mention this behavior to the pediatrician and see if they think it's cause for concern.

I'm not sure what else to tell you, although I agree you should try your best to make her aware that she should be concerned about these transition issues. If I were you, I'd at least try to say something for the child's sake.

[Dennis]

I agree with Amy. I think you should say something but don't mention autism or anything else specifically. Just say it like Amy suggested that your friend said her dr. said behavior like that should be looked at.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know it's much easier for us to say you should talk to her than it is to actually do it.

[TtownAnne]

Or you don't even have to mention "a friend" since that sometimes comes off sounding a little fake and forced. You could just say "hmmmm, it sounds like Billy has a REALLY hard time with transitions. Have you mentioned it to his doctor? Maybe he could give you some suggestions..."

[Kristen]

Is the child at an age where he should be seeing a pediatrician for a well-child visit soon? If so, I'd suggest she mention this behavior to the pediatrician and see if they think it's cause for concern.

I agree with Amy on this. If she ever mentions a trait that sounds autistic, I would just tell her that she should mention that to the pediatrician.

I take it the two mom's aren't friends? Have you thought about having a playgroup with all the kids? Maybe the two moms would hit it off and start discussing issues on their own? Just a thought.

[buzzjen]

I think I wouldn't say anything - and definitely not about autism. Ben has always had trouble with transitions - and when he started to scream he could go for a long time. Until just recently, Ben was an observer and was so quiet (despite being really verbal with us). Based on your description, the boy's behavior doesn't sound that out of the ordinary. Now if the child seemed not interested in the kids playing around him, not responding to his name, etc., then I would figure out a way to make the mom more concerned.

[MrsPeacefrog]

I like Anne's suggestion!

[Brandi]

I remember a thread like this a while back. Nobody wants to hear that their child isn't perfect. But, sometimes something needs to be said. It's hard to know when to say something and when not to. When Heather started having seizures, Dawn posted here that what she was doing sounded like Infantile Spasms. Then, I researched that and was horrified and mad! I wasn't really mad at Dawn, but just mad. BUT, it pmanted a seed. Later when someone mentioned Infantile Spasms, I was a little more interested. Finally, we found she was having them, but onlyl after her first doctor said she wasn't! Sometimes, people who know more should speak up and say something.

Having said that, I don't know if I would in this situation or not. I liked someone else's idea about mentioning it to her doctor and asking for help. AND, about getting together with the other mom at a play group. That would be a great idea. That might plant a seed too.

But also wanted to mention that my son used to have a lot of trouble with turning off the tv. He would get very upset! VERY UPSET! He has a tv problem and if he watches just one show he is fine. But, the more tv he watches, the worse it gets. Actually, this doesn't happen much any more (unless he's tired or sick). A LOT of kids have trouble with transitions, so this may be nothing to worry about. So maybe mentioning autism wouldn't be a great idea for this mom, especially if he doesn't exhibit any other characteristics. But talking with a doctor would probably be helpful.

[Cami]

I agree with most of the other comments... I'd suggest to her that she talk to the ped about that specific behavior. And I think the suggestion of getting the moms together is great (as long as it doesn't seem 'arranged', you know?)

Whenever moms I know have said things about potential problems in other children, there's been too much anger and hurt to make it worth speaking up. If you can see something in the child, you know others do too (especially in her family). Or if she's mentioned it to you, she probably has to others as well.

[Clare]

Or you don't even have to mention "a friend" since that sometimes comes off sounding a little fake and forced. You could just say "hmmmm, it sounds like Billy has a REALLY hard time with transitions. Have you mentioned it to his doctor? Maybe he could give you some suggestions..."

This is what I was going to suggest. Please don't suggest autism. I have had several friends tell me that Harry is autistic and it pisses me off. He is not autistic, a little eccentric maybe, but not autistic. Having unqualified people diagnose your child is very upsetting.

I remember a thread like this a while back.

That was my thread venting about people suggesting my child was autistic because he quotes movie lines. And I still disagree with the posters who suggested that maybe they had a point.:snob:

[sheila]

After reading Anne's post, I decided not to say anything at the moment. I don't want to bring up autism because it is such a touchy subject. And the bottom line for me was that she is not concerned about her son's difficulties with transitions. For all I know it could be a very temporary thing based on a change in nap schedule or any number of other things. :dunno:

If she says something in the future and she is concerned, I will suggest talking to her ped about it.

Thanks all!

oh, and getting the two moms I mentioned together is really not a possibility based on schedules, locations and some other things.