Benefits of long gaps between kids?

[Girlo]

Well.....ever since AF found me once again on Sunday, I've been thinking that I need to come to terms with - and be happy about - the prospect that my kids will likely be 4+ years apart.....or that Alex might be an only child.

It's not my ideal, but it's turning into my reality. If I get pg this cycle that just started, they will be just under 3.5 years apart. My optimism is waning with each passing month and I'm just getting numb. :(

So! For any of you out there who either chose to have long gaps between your kids....or it just worked out that way....please tell me all the wonderful things about it. :) What parts of the big gap would you never give up? What challenges have you had? Why should I be excited about this? :lol:

If you don't have any personal experience with this topic, please feel free to tell me about friends and family members who have raved about it. :aok:

Thanks! :hug99:

[Cami]

My brother's two girls are 5 years apart. They planned about a four year gap but SIL had a miscarriage in there. It has been great for them. My older niece is at a great age with babies~ fascinated and loving to help. She's not old enough to resent being asked to help all the time. B and SIL got lots of time alone with my older niece and then she started kindergarten just after the new baby was born. So SIL gets to be "alone" with the new baby too. It was much less overwhelming for them than if they'd had the babies close together. My older niece is independent so they don't feel as much guilt giving attention to the younger baby.

I'm trying to think of what is hard about it... all I can think is that they were really out of the baby phase when the second one came along. It was almost like having a first baby again. But the good part of that was that they appreciated it a lot more and have enjoyed every minute of babyhood.

[Joan]

My two boys are 11 years apart. I don't think there is a ideal age difference. It has been great for us. Sean was an only child and got a lot of attention and by the time jakob came along, we were all ready for him. Having a baby at 39.9 years old wasn't bad at all. I feel so young. It is really a lot of fun this time around! I know jakob will have a hard time when Sean leaves for college, because he will be just 6 at the time, but he'll get through it.

I will also add that out of my 6 siblings, I am closest with the one who is 8 years older than me. My step-sisters are 12 years apart and they are very close.

So, no worries!

[sabrina]

As a person whose only brother is six years younger, I will give you that perspective. It was great. We were and are very close. I was old enough to appreciate having a younger sibling and to be able to help and wanted to help. I never felt slighted by my parents. I was the one who taught my brother to walk and was able to help potty train him without it being yucky. Plus my parents had a two year break before my brother went to college. It wasn't like empty nest hit my parents all at once within a couple of years. When my brother had questions about things, sex, alcohol I was able to talk to him and give him answers but still knew enough to send him to my parents for the big questions. Personally I loved have a brother that was that much younger than me.

[TtownAnne]

Hate to be Negative Nelly (thanks Alyssa!), but a 5.5 year age gap between my brother and me has been a main contributor to the destruction of our relationship. :blue: It was like having two separate only children, even though we had nothing in common except our parents. And not aided by the fact that my parents kept trying to force us together. :dunno: He wanted to come along with me, although he couldn't do what my friends and I were doing (bike riding, roller skating, etc.) and then it turned into resentment when either I couldn't help him or he didn't want to be there anyway. And it's only grown as we've gotten older - he thinks what I have in life is a result of my being "lucky with money". We're just two totally different personalities, and of course that is a contributing factor as well, along with some other developmental problems he had, but I do feel that if we had been closer in age it might not have been so magnified.

[Missy&Maggie]

I am in the same boat as you Shannon, but because $$ concerns will not allow us to try for another one at this time.

I can tell you about my family growing up though. My parents got married very young and my mother got pregnant with my sister soon after getting married. Money was tight and so they waited 14 years to have my brother. 8 years after that I came along as a surprise. So, my sister is 21 years older than me and my brother is 8 years older. As the baby, I had a few advantages -- my parents were more relaxed with me and I think really enjoyed it. My family dynamic is strange though and I don't feel particularly close to either one of my siblings, although I am quite close with my mother. My sister was already married and out of the house when I was born. My brother went to college when I was in the 5th grade or so, so I was essentially an "only child" after that, which is probably why I'm close with my mom now.

[schwanda]

When I was pregnant with Jessica, I got a few books on sibling rivalry. One book quoted lots of studies and concluded that an "ideal" age gap between kids is about 5 years. The book basically said that whatever age gap works best for the individual family is really the best BUT "scientifically," 5 years is ideal. I think any age gap can work fine depending on the family environment and the individual temperments of the kids!
I'm sorry it's taking you longer than you'd hoped to get pregnant. You do not need to add to that disappointment by making yourself feel guilty over something that you can't control!

Amanda

[Kara]

Josh and Austin are 3 1/2 yrs apart and it was perfect for us. There were no jealousy issues..he was old enough to understand some stuff and they get along great most days...aside from usual sibling rivalry. We are TTC too as you know so if we have another baby there will be a big gap with both of the boys. I think it will be good though...Josh loves babies right now and would be a huge help...and Austin is old enough now to understand and help some too...So..Keep on trying so we can go through it together!! LOL!

[Alyssa]

Hate to be Negative Nelly (thanks Alyssa!), You can be Pessimistic Polly. :awink:

[Chantal]

Kaitlyn and Lauren are 4yrs apart. I like the age gap. It has given me 4 years to focus solely on Kaitlyn - and now that she is older and ready to go off to school full time in September, I will be able to give Lauren the same attention and focus that I did with Kaitlyn.

I also like that Kaitlyn is relatively independant and has been helpful in the first few months of Lauren being here - it made things less stressful on me, knowing that she could entertain herself for a period of time, or can use the washroom by herself - while I was very occupied with a needy newborn.

Now that Lauren is 4 months old - its great to watch Kaitlyn interact with Lauren... and to watch Lauren squeal with delight every time her big sister walks up to her :)

Btw - the 4yr age gap was not by choice... I struggled with IF both times when trying to get pregnant.

I am 5yrs older than my sister and 7yrs older than my brother. Sure, during elementary and high school - I didnt have (or want) much to do with them. But now that we are all adults, married, home owners, with children (or kids on the way)... we have come together and are VERY close. I remember helping my mom out when I was a kid and my brother and sister arrived. I have no resentment towards them - I just grew up in a different generation than they did... its like we had 2 family units in our home... a family of 3 and a family of 4. (me, mom and dad --- sister, brother, mom and dad).

[Alysia]

Hey-- me and my sister are 6 years apart and I turned out okay!! :lol: We didn't get along so great when she was in high school and I was still in elementary/jr high... but once she moved out of the house at 18 we were pretty much inseperable. I was always hanging out at her apt. or doing something with her.

Just think... you won't have two kids in college at the same time! I think that's a plus! :heee:

:hug99:

[Bonnie]

Mine are close in age, but I noticed that the gap b/w Caroline and Tatum (3 years) worked out a LOT better. I could see so many advantages to having several years between siblings. Caroline can help out somewhat w/ the baby, she was WAY more excited about having a sibling, can do her own thing while I take care of the baby, which is just wonderful... plus, an older child is in preschool or kindergarten part of the time, which lets you give the baby individual attention... a baby sleeps a lot, while an older child may not nap, that gives you time to devote all of your attention to the older sibling. I think there are a LOT of advantages.

[Michele]

I think it totally depends on the individual kids....2 of my best friends each have sisters that are 18 months older than they are. My friend B and her sister are best friends, my friend J and her sister hate each other. I also have 2 friends who have siblings 6 years older than they are - again, A & R are really close, while J & D don't see eye to eye on anything. My brother and I are about 3.5 years apart, and did not get a long well at all growing up - especially when I was in high school. Now we are very close. So I really think it all depends on the kid and the surrounding situations.

[Jayne]

I got pg with Tylor at 18 and so Dan and I waited a while to get married and then have another child. WHen I had Alyssa Tylor was 6 1/2 years old. He used to tell us that his only job with the baby was going to be to teach her to walk to Grandma's :lol: He loves his sister. Just today at Bible school she was getting tired and he came up and sat beside her and she sat on his lap with her head on his shoulder :cry: It was so sweet and of course I didn't have my camera. He is her big protector but she also loves beeting up on him :lol: I love their age difference and now that I have done it..I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to have another child and we are thinking of maybe in a year.

Oh..a HUGE PLUS++++++ You won't have 2 in college at the same time!!!!

[Girlo]

Thanks guys. :hug99: I knew I could count on you to help me see the sunshine in my otherwise gloomy TTC universe. :hug99:

I never wanted my kids to be Irish twins.....but I also never saw them being more than about 3.5 years apart. It just always seemed like the gap would be too wide and they wouldn't be able to relate to each other. What do I know?!? :lol: It sounds like there are lots of great reasons to rejoice in the fact that Alex will have a fair head start on the next one. As he gets more independent now, I can see that he probably won't be as dependent on me once a new one arrives. :)

Plus, after TTC for a year now, this next one will be SO appreciated they won't know what hit them. :lol:

[AmyP]

I'm 9 years older than my youngest brother, the other two are 2.5 years older than me and 2 years younger than me. I'm much closer to my youngest brother than the other two. I was well into third grade when he was born, and I was interesting in helping with him. And when he was a little older I got tons of babysitting jobs watching friends of his.

[Cami]

I think you can always wonder about what if things were different. I think how life would be for my family if we only had one child so far... sometimes I think how nice that would have been and that it might have been more fun, and I'm envious of families who got to enjoy their one child. :)

[Girlo]

You're right, Cami. :hug99: Sometimes I have a hard time seeing how green and lush my own grass is. :)

[Girlo]

I'm just re-reading all your responses to cheer myself up. :)

Today has been a hard, emotional day.....and I'm glad to have these sorts of things to go back to and read and make me feel better. :grouphugg

Anyone else wanna contribute??????

[Cami]

I'm so sorry Shannon. :hug1:

[Kara]

AFter my second miscarraige, we decided to stop mostly because of the age factor, at least for me. Josh will be 9 soon though so its much bigger than you are looking at...I'm just not comfortable with that fact anymore...I want them to be somewhat close and I think Josh and Austin will be at 3 1/2 yrs...



((((HUGS))))

[stass]

:hug99: I was trying to have my boys closer together too but had 3 miscarriages between them. I now I feel like there was a definite reason for them to be the ages they are now. Saxon was 3 and some when Flynn was born. I am so happy with the age gap between them.

But I know it is hard when you are in the middle of it. :(

[Kristen]

I think Camille will be 3 before we try again. I hate that we are getting older, but because of financial reasons and the fact I don't want my mom to have to care for 2 small ones, its better for us to wait.

[bunybomb]

My kids are 8 years apart Shannon and it's great. We have our trying times but as Alex gets older, Dylan gets better. The last year or so have been the most rough. When Dylan started into the tween stage, she was (and still is) easily annoyed by Alex. Alex entered the bossy 3 year old stage at the same time. Things are better now that she is 12 and he is 4. We still have moments. :lol:

:hug99: Shannon!

[MamaGoofy]

Shannon...girl I know what you are going through as I am going through it as well. I wanted to have my children 2 1/2 -3 years apart and had I not had my miscarriage in '04 I would have gotten my wish. It didn't turn out the way I planned but I have faith that things happen for a reason and one day both of us will be blessed with a beautiful child. Our older ones will be independent and so helpful. We won't have to deal with the jealousy of having them close together. Our older children can help out so much more and understand better what is going on and that mommy needs to have time with the baby because the baby can't do for him/herself. I have often thought of this very question and these are the reasons I have come up with. I hope they help you. You are in my prayers and I pray that we both get our miracle very soon. Have a happy Thanksgiving and know that someone in Florida is praying for you. :hug99:

[shasta]

My daughters are 8 years apart, almost to the day. DD1 was born 08/13/0998 ~ DD2 was born 08/11/2006. We didn't plan it this way, DD2 took a little longer to be conceived than we had planned. A lot of people told me we were crazy for having such a big age gap between kids, but honestly, it's been a blessing. Our 8 year old is a big help with the baby and there is no jealousy. DD1 is a mature, independant girl, and doesn't need nor want me hawking over her all the time. She is old enough to understand that DD2 needs a lot of attention, but that does not mean I don't have time for her.