I feel I have a dilemma and need some objective input here. DH and I are at odds about our daycare situation.

Back in the fall, when we found out my DH's pay would go down due to some cutbacks, it became apparent that I would need to work to make ends meet. So I put Catherine on the waiting list for the base CDC (Child Development Center = daycare). Somehow we continued to make ends meet through April (I don't think the pay cuts were as bad as were projected). At that time DH decided we needed to start saving more money so we can buy a house when we get back to the states. But with no daycare, I still couldn't work, be it to make ends meet or to save up a nest egg. Ironically, the day after the house conversation, the CDC called with an available space for Catherine. So she started daycare 2.5 weeks ago and I start a new job in 1.5 weeks. We've done some math and come up with the boiled-down conclusion that my paycheck will be enough to put Catherine in daycare for the remainder of the time we have in Italy and have nothing left over. So DH says the reason I am working is to put Catherine in daycare. And he is in favor of that. That's where I really have a problem.

The original reason I signed her up (and the only reason I agreed to it) was to bolster our family financially, be it to make ends meet or save for a house. I did not sign up because I wanted to put her in daycare. With the bottom line being nothing left over after paying for daycare, I'm wondering if I should be putting her in daycare or just go back to being a SAHM. At 19 months, she was ready for and really wanted interaction with other kids. The CDC can give her that. I have seen her really blossom just in this short amount of time. Keeping her at home there is not much opportunity for socialization. I am afraid I would be doing her a disservice in taking that away from her. But in the back of my mind is this voice saying that since the beginning of time children around the world have been raised in the home, including myself and all my siblings, and turned out OK. Should I accept the fact that I will be working solely to put my daughter in daycare, give up being a SAHM (which I am so sad to do) and be happy that she has the opportunity to be in a setting with other kids and learn so much? Or should I just say screw all this and raise her in our home like i have since she was born?

Thank you for reading my novel. I'm sorry to write so much but this is a very emotional issue for me! I hope to gain some new insight from others of you who are SAHMs or working moms.

Toughie. I know I would go batshit if I was a full time SAHM. Having said that I am currently a SAHM on Mat Leave and will remain one until Graham is 18 months old when I will return to work at a new job after a training period away from home.

I really like being a SAHM right now and would love to be able to work only part time. I do feel that children need to interact with others and if daycare provides that for her and you see her blossoming I think I would leave her there if you enjoy the job.

For me that would be the big thing if I was you. You don't need to work as the job will not be providing you an income, but it may provide you with some 'adult' time that you don't know you need.

Also, when you move back to the US it will probably be easier on her to start daycare or pre-school because she's already been to one and it won't be a total shock or adjustment on her part.

Good luck. :)

Yeah, that is tough. I think it's up to you and what YOU want to do about your job. Do you want to work? Will this job help you long term? How long is it until you move?

I think I myself would have a problem working in a job I knew I wouldn't be in long term if it wasn't going to give me any benefit like being a resume booster. Especially if I knew it wasn't making me any money. I'd get resentful.

What are your husband's reasons for wanting her to be in daycare? Yes, the socialization will be good for her. But there's other ways to get that and she's still young enough that there is plenty of time for preschool later.

Is there any type of part time arrangement you can work out?

I will confess that I am pretty biased about this based on my own experience.
I'm a mom with a career that required me to go back to work at 6 weeks both times. We had a GREAT nanny for 2 years. She thought up creative things to do with my older son (he's now 27 months old) and brought him to the Science Center, the Aquarium, Music Together, etc. She quit about 6 weeks ago and my kids started daycare.
I have seriously seen a huge change in my son. All for the better! His vocabulary has improved. His social skills are better. He's showing interest in potty training. He eats better and healthier (they feed him there). He takes a nap every day (this was always an issue). He is doing art projects, science projects, etc. And he LOVES it! I have to drag him out every afternoon. It has been SO wonderful for him. My nanny was not his mother so maybe it's not fair to compare.
If you don't dislike your job, it may be worth it. I don't think you should make yourself suffer through a job you hate just to send your daughter to daycare/school. She will eventually go to school and get social interaction.

Amanda

I'm a SAHM through choice. If I went back to work now, all of my wages would go to daycare. I don't see the point in that. The only reason I would be working would be to contribute to the finances, if my whole wage went towards child care then it would be fruitless.

I agree that kids need socialisation and have put all of mine in daycare one day a week since they were toddlers. Is that an option for you? Can the CDC take her one day a week? That way she still gets the socialisation and you get a break.

Thank you all for your replies. It is so helpful to get some feedback on this.


Clare: Unfortunately part-time daycare is not an option here. I have asked over and over. It's full-time or nothing.

Amanda: I have seen that kind of growth in Catherine in the 2.5 weeks she's been going to school. It really is something to see and I love it. My only serious opposition to school is the long hours it forces her to have. I don't think I will hate the job; I worked at this place the last time we were stationed here and they are so happy to have me back. But I also don't think I will love it either. Rather, I don't think I will love the change in all our lives due to the job.

Cami: I don't think this job will be detrimental to my resume. I considered that in deciding where I wanted to work. I have worked at this credit union before, plus banking is the bulk of my work history. DH's push for school is solely due to the socialization & learning benefits. I agree that that can all happen later but I am beginning to worry that if I keep her at home she will be behind the curve when she does start school (real school :lol: ).

Beverly: I have had the same thought about the adult time. I have totally been in a "child warp" since she was born and I wonder if some grownup time would benefit me in ways I cannot see right now.


That said, there are several issues that are making this such a hard decision:

1. Just found out I am pregnant and due in January. This will limit my working to about 6 months as we truly couldn't afford to put two children in daycare. I am also worried about being too tired like I was while pg with Catherine (but fortunately didn't have to work then).

2. I don't think it is fair to pull Catherine out of school when I stop working. I think she'll really miss it and I won't be able to provide the same kind of opportunities, especially with a newborn. So keeping her in school will require that we save all my pay in the next six months to put toward daycare for the remainder of our stay in Italy (1yr 5 months). This (along with the cost of clothing and gas) is why we won't have anything left over for savings.

3. Need new clothes now and will need maternity clothes later on. I am bargain-hunting.

4. The daycare is located where DH works, so she rides with him. They have to leave the house at 6:15 AM and don't return until 5/5:30PM. That's a significantly longer day than she's used to and I can see how tired she is. Maybe she will get used to it? Plus we don't get to see much of her.

5. DH takes the good car since he has to drive further than me, and on highway, with the baby. I take the POS car which has no AC, no room for stroller, and is a sports car with low, bucket seats that will be impossible to get in & out of once I am big pg. Buying a new car is not an option. And what to do after the new baby is born and we each have a child to transport?

6. Having Catherine enrolled in daycare will enable her to go to school once the baby is born and leave me with only one baby to take care of during the day.

7. Who will do my job at home while I'm gone all day???!! :errr:

8. Evenings are already evidencing themselves as very hectic, all of us coming in and having to get supper ready, eaten, get her bathed and straight to bed, while she is so crazy tired & screaming. Is it really worth the hassle? **what do families do who have these types of schedules? What do you fix for supper that is quick yet nutritious? How do you get to spend time with your kids before bedtime? When do you do the housework? These things have always eluded me.**

Any thoughts?

Melissa, I have no advice right now...I'm staying home with my first baby (almost 6 months) and am involved in a business part-time... For our family, we decided that we didn't want to have our baby in daycare when it would take so much money just to have a stranger raising our child. I would like to keep him at home will he is around 3, maybe 2. I am doing a business part-time, though, and it's very flexible. I take Nikita on appts with me often, and sometimes, when our schedules conflict, he even goes with me to my business meetings. Of course, once he becomes a more mobile, it'll change....
Anyway, I just wanted to offer congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with whatever you decide!

I am a SAHM and have been fortunate enough to have some extra income through very part-time tutoring. I am not one of those people who could go back to work full-time and leave my kids in daycare, I did not know this about myself until I became a mom. I feel that the work of a mother is the most valuble and important in a child's life and cannot be replaced by any other child care worker no matter how caring they are, they just aren't mom.

I do understand that some people's circumstances require them to work and that some people feel a strong desire to work outside the home, that is fine if it works for them.

As far as socializing children that stay at home with mom, I do not see how this is a problem, my kids get alot of interaction with other kids at the park, at church, and friends we visit. I spend time teaching my kids things that they would otherwise not learn in a daycare situation. My only advice to you would be to do what feels right for you and your child.

I think that this qoute sums it up for me:
"The noblest calling in the world is that of mother. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece or who can write a book that will influence millions deserves the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will be exerting an influence throughout the ages long after painting shall have faded, and books and statues shall have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give."- David O. McKay

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I have to echo Michal in saying that only you know what feels right for you and your child. That being said, from your posts, I get the feeling that you would prefer to stay at home with her.

I guess I can only really think about how I would feel in your situation, and here it is: I really think that at 19 months, she's still so little and I personally would probably feel differently about it if she was older, like say 3 years old. She's going to spend the next 15-20 years at school and in a structured setting. This is her only chance to be with her mommy full time... you can't get this time back. I think this is just magnified by the fact that you're pregnant. I know that once I was pregnant with my son, I was sort of counting down the time that was left with just my daughter and I really wanted to treasure that time. I don't know about your area, but are there any groups in the community that could provide a chance for your daughter to play with other kids?

I agree with Bev in that it pretty much comes down to you. If you would rather be at home with her, then that's where you should be. If you love your job and she's happy in day care, then there's really nothing wrong with that.

Good luck making your decision.

To answer your original question: I don't think daycare is better than staying home with mom. But I don't think daycare is bad either. For moms who have to work or choose to work it is wonderful. I just don't think it is better than staying home with mommy.

My perspective: I do work some but only work a few hours a week -- during which they are cared for by my DH or one of the grandparents. And my kids are involved in playgroups,sunday school and exercise classes for social interaction during the week. And when Alex was almost 3 I enrolled her in a 2 morning a week preschool -- which she loves!

After reading all of your posts....it sounds like you and Catherine and baby #2 will be better off with you not working. :) No stress of long days for either of you, no bad car issues, no extra rush in the morning and evening, no finding time to do it all, etc. (And like you, I don't know how moms who have a job outside the home do it all!!!) Plus, Catherine will get her mommy all to herself before little brother or sister comes along.

Good luck in making that decision!

I wouldn't worry about whether she'll be socialized enough before school. If you are worried, then just go to a park once a week. That will be more than enough.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am going to think this over some more and talk to DH again. I can't seem to get off the fence with this!!! :scratch: I think I will have to sit down and make the old-fashioned PRO/CON list.

I almost forgot - I just heard that the CDCs will start hiring some Italians to supplement the American teachers so that they have more teachers and more stability in employees (there's been a very high turnover) so hopefully they can open up a drop-in room again. There used to be a drop-in room when Catherine was really small and I took her a few times but they had to close it a year ago due to staffing. THAT would be a good compromise as it would be a place for Catherine to socialize and learn new things while giving me some time off too. Doubtful it would have the same structure as full-time care ie. schedule, arts & crafts, knowing the teachers & students, but it might be a good compromise. Also I have seen a playgroup start up as well as a storytime for small children (6mos+) so now there are some things we could go do. There used to be nothing. It's been real tough finding support for everything baby-related, from pregnancy, Labor & Delivery education, new parent support, playgroups...it's like we took a step back in time having a baby here. It seems to be improving but that's just the way it is with the military and people moving all the time.

I'm a SAHM through choice. If I went back to work now, all of my wages would go to daycare. I don't see the point in that. The only reason I would be working would be to contribute to the finances, if my whole wage went towards child care then it would be fruitless.

I agree that kids need socialisation and have put all of mine in daycare one day a week since they were toddlers. Is that an option for you? Can the CDC take her one day a week? That way she still gets the socialisation and you get a break.
very good ideas. this would be my ideal situation if i didn't have to return to work in the fall. the one day would give mommy time to do errands and have some "me" time and my child would be socialized with others. i couldn't think of anything more perfect for me. too bad it's not in my cards.

Honestly, what's really the point of working if all the money you make is going to day care? It just doesn't make sense to me. Your children are just that: YOUR children. They only have one mother. There is lots of time for socialization. Let them be home when they're little. They're never going to be that small again.

After reading all of your posts....it sounds like you and Catherine and baby #2 will be better off with you not working. :) No stress of long days for either of you, no bad car issues, no extra rush in the morning and evening, no finding time to do it all, etc. (And like you, I don't know how moms who have a job outside the home do it all!!!) Plus, Catherine will get her mommy all to herself before little brother or sister comes along.

Good luck in making that decision!

I wouldn't worry about whether she'll be socialized enough before school. If you are worried, then just go to a park once a week. That will be more than enough.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I completely agree with Lissa. :) Also, when we were children (or should I say when I was a child) there were not a lot of daycares or pre-schools or kindermusic etc. ad infinitum to send children to and I think I turned out just fine. :) (No comments from you Theresa!! :lol: )

I should add also, that Mason was not in a traditional daycare but a Montessori program for toddlers so it was quite structured and emphasized learning through play. They didn't know they were learning but they were. :)

If I were you, I'd pull her out of daycare and stay home with her. Look into the playgroups and storytime activities and put her name down for casual daycare days for when they start it up again. Do you know any other military moms with young children? Maybe you could organise a playdate once a week.


4. The daycare is located where DH works, so she rides with him. They have to leave the house at 6:15 AM and don't return until 5/5:30PM. That's a significantly longer day than she's used to and I can see how tired she is. Maybe she will get used to it? Plus we don't get to see much of her.



This would be the clincher for me. That is a very long day for such a small child. I would never send my kids to daycare for so long. I know some people do b/c they have to or want to work full time, but it doesn't sound like you do. I think you will all be happier if you and Catherine stay home together :) You just need to tell DH to chill out about the socialisation thing, she'll be just fine :)

Oh and congrats on your pregnancy!! :bteddy: :pteddy:

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I completely agree with Lissa. :) Also, when we were children (or should I say when I was a child) there were not a lot of daycares or pre-schools or kindermusic etc. ad infinitum to send children to and I think I turned out just fine. :) (No comments from you Theresa!! :lol: )

Moi? :scan: :lol:

Well Clare pretty much said it all. Thanks to everyone's input, I gained a better handle on the situation and sat down with DH this past weekend to present my thoughts. I got him to agree with me, so we gave our two week notice at the CDC yesterday, and I also told the credit union I would not be starting next week as planned. I made it out that the decision was in their favor - that they would not be losing an employee after only a few months. Catherine is continuing to go to school since we are still paying for it. She is doing so well now, she runs to go play when we arrive and waves bye-bye and blows me a kiss. I know she is going to miss it and that makes me sad, but I just keep telling myself that there will be a time for this later in life. Thanks again for everyone's input. It truly did help me get me thoughts in order.

I'm glad that you and DH have agreed and that you're happy with your decision :) You're right, there's plenty of time for this later. Enjoy your couple of years at home with your babies! :biggrin:

Glad to hear of your solution, Melissa!