Playing referree

[Susan]

My boys are 17 months apart. They play together pretty well physically speaking. I'm not worried about Josiah deliberately hurting Nicholas... mostly its just the big one taking toys away from the little one and the little one crying.

I tend to let them try to work it out rather than jumping right in and telling Josiah to give the toy back. If he's being particularly ornery then I'll hover and make sure Josiah doesn't always take everything away and give him a timeout it if continues.

Anyway, I'm wondering how you all deal. How do you decide WHEN to step in and referee?

[Alyssa]

Hmm...the kids referee themselves mostly. As you can see from the ground in the background, looks like Aidan won this round.

[Alyssa]

In all seriousness, we try to stay out of things most of the time. Especially now that they are a little older (they are 17.5 mos apart, now 3 and 4) they both piss one another off equally...and despite the size difference, it's pretty equal in who beats on who. We will certainly step in to avoid injury, but most of the time they are equal opportunity pains so we take the approach of what comes around, goes around...and we certainly remind them of that very often. As in - "hey, if you don't like what your brother is doing to you now, remember that next time you do it to him."

[sheila]

In all seriousness, we try to stay out of things most of the time. Especially now that they are a little older (they are 17.5 mos apart, now 3 and 4) they both piss one another off equally...and despite the size difference, it's pretty equal in who beats on who. We will certainly step in to avoid injury, but most of the time they are equal opportunity pains so we take the approach of what comes around, goes around...and we certainly remind them of that very often. As in - "hey, if you don't like what your brother is doing to you now, remember that next time you do it to him."
Most of the time, that is what I do, too.

The easiest time I had getting them to stop picking on each other was one time when they both came running to me and complaining about what the other one was doing. I told them if that was the way they wanted to treat each other, that was fine by me, but I didn't want to hear the complaining anymore. The stared at me for a second and then went away to play nicely.

When they were younger, I stepped in more quickly because Katie didn't have a way to tell Maggie to stop or to defend herself. So it was an unfair fight, and I felt like I had to do something.

[Nichole]

I'm moving toward doing what Sheila and Alyssa do, but it's still more of what Sheila used to do because Gavin is still a little young to be able to have it be a totally fair fight. However, he's a quick learner and has figured out that if he screeches I'm more likely to step in. :lol:

A lot of times, we'll tell Jackson that he's teaching his little brother how to treat him. I ask if he'd want Gav to take toy from him or hit him or whatever and then tell him that he should remember that when he's thinking of doing the same to Gav.

[sheila]

Oh, and wow, Alyssa. Talk about having the perfect picture for a thread! :lol:

[Nichole]

Yeah, that's hilarious! :lol:

[Susan]

That's my issue right now. At 16 months Nicholas is just too young for it to be "fair". But then I look at my sister who still tends to protect her 8 year old from her 10 year old. Not that they fight physically, but in terms of making sure things are fair and equitable, because of course the youngest just isn't as aware as the oldest.

Right now 99% of the issues in my house are because Nicholas will pick up a toy (that most likely Josiah hasnt' looked at in a week) and Josiah will come take it out of his hands. Sometimes Nicholas just shrugs it off, finds another toy and is fine. Other times he cries.

[Clare]

Hmm...the kids referee themselves mostly. As you can see from the ground in the background, looks like Aidan won this round.

:lol2: Funny!

I tend to let it go to see if they can work it out themselves. Unfortunately, Sam is aggressive though so Harry normally ends up getting the crap beaten out of him (yes Sam is the younger one :rolleyes: ).

[Nichole]

My rule is that if someone is playing with it, the other has to wait until it gets put down. Even if it's "his" toy, kwim? We really don't have toys that specifically belong to one or the other, so when Jackson tries to say that Gav has "his" toy I'll tell him that we share all of the toys here; they belong to everyone. And I'll have him give it back if he took it away.

[EricaMG]

Great thread!

My boys are 18 months apart (4 and 2 1/2). The older one still seems much bigger and is much more aggressive than the younger one, and since he could potentially hurt him physically, I still spend a great deal of time hovering around to make sure the younger doesn't get hurt. I'm really trying to back-off, and have been, esp. since I'm busy with a new baby.

What has been a HUGE deal lately though is when one of them takes the time to carefully build some huge block tower, train set-up, or what have you, and the other destroys it deliberately (I'm talking about kicking down the entire thing while laughing type-thing). The builder comes screaming to me and I'm not sure exactly how to handle the destroyer, other than a time-out, which gets old, esp. because I'm trying to distance myself from their disagreements.

Any advice?

[Stacey]

I tend to let it go to see if they can work it out themselves. Unfortunately, Sam is aggressive though so Harry normally ends up getting the crap beaten out of him (yes Sam is the younger one :rolleyes: ).
This is my problem too. My youngest isn't the small, innocent one. He's the instigator most of the time. And even when it is Maia who starts it, Cole's never afraid to finish it physically.

All this time, it's been Maia whom we've been protecting. But unfortunately now, she's learned to hit and punch as well. :( I try to let them work it out, but sometimes I'm scared to for fear of what they'll do to each other.

[Susan]

My rule is that if someone is playing with it, the other has to wait until it gets put down. Even if it's "his" toy, kwim? We really don't have toys that specifically belong to one or the other, so when Jackson tries to say that Gav has "his" toy I'll tell him that we share all of the toys here; they belong to everyone. And I'll have him give it back if he took it away.


yep... me too. WHEN I'm policing the situation I make sure it happens. But when they're playing by themselves I'm quite sure it doesnt' happen that way. Thus my question. :)

[Susan]

Erica... that's a tough one. Can you tell if the "destroyer" is doing it to be mean? Or are they doing it because it is indeed fun for little boys to destroy and maybe he doesnt' understand how it makes the other one feel?

[Cami]

Ugh, I wish I had a consistent way to handle this that actually worked. Addison and Aubrey are old enough now that I tell them to work it out themselves and I try to ignore it.

But now Brady is getting in the middle of everything but isn't quite old enough. When the girls complain that Brady did something to them, I usually say "Yep, you did the same thing when you were a baby. Tell him no... move the toy... be nice, he's learning." He's is learning quickly how to deal with them. He'll go up to one of them, take a toy, and run away with it, cackling with laughter.

I hate referring. It's neverending.

I have a friend who uses the rule~ "if you come to me to complain, you're both in trouble" with her kids (who are 3 and 4).

[EricaMG]

Erica... that's a tough one. Can you tell if the "destroyer" is doing it to be mean? Or are they doing it because it is indeed fun for little boys to destroy and maybe he doesnt' understand how it makes the other one feel?

Susan- The "detroyer" cackles with laughter, exact same as Cami's description. That's what makes it so frustrating. They do it to get a rise out of each other, but then the destroyee gets fairly pissed, rightly so! I guess we need to do more talking about it, more "remember how you felt when he did X to you". But in the meantime, it gets me involved every time it happens, which I'm trying to avoid, you know?

[Lora]

In all seriousness, we try to stay out of things most of the time. Especially now that they are a little older (they are 17.5 mos apart, now 3 and 4) they both piss one another off equally...and despite the size difference, it's pretty equal in who beats on who. We will certainly step in to avoid injury, but most of the time they are equal opportunity pains so we take the approach of what comes around, goes around...and we certainly remind them of that very often. As in - "hey, if you don't like what your brother is doing to you now, remember that next time you do it to him."

ITA! However, Christopher does tend to use his size as an advantage at times over Paddy. I try to stay out of it until I see that someone might really get hurt. They are equally guilty of inflicting harm on each other at times. I love your picture Alyssa! I could dig up one like that too!

Lora

[bunybomb]

This is my problem too. My youngest isn't the small, innocent one. He's the instigator most of the time. And even when it is Maia who starts it, Cole's never afraid to finish it physically.


I go through this a lot and mine are 8 years apart. :rolleyes: Alex can do some damage even if Dylan is 11. My kids constantly bicker............

I like the statement Cami posted. "If you come to me to complain, you are both in trouble". I'm going to try that.

[Callie907]

My twins Janae and Chloe don't fight too often so I haven't had to referee. But, I'm sure in the future when the new baby comes and they get older, I'm gonna have to start stepping in!

[gulp!]

I still have to step in quite often because my younger is a biter and a pincher. And they both are quick to start the ear piercing screaming. I'm trying to teach my daughter ways to handle her younger brother, and some of it is taking root, but right now he's just in the middle of the terrible 2's, and can be a total PITA. I think that I'll continue to try and step out of it more as they get older.

I have a friend who uses the rule~ "if you come to me to complain, you're both in trouble" with her kids (who are 3 and 4). I might have to adopt this! :lol: