Would you tell your friend that their child was a bully?

[Clare]

A quick recap for those that haven't read my other thread. Emily is being bullied at school. It's been going on for a few weeks. Apparently there's a couple of girls who tell her that they're not her friend and will never be her friend among other things. She gets really upset about it and spends most of her time at school in tears and glued to her teacher's side. She doesn't eat or play with her friends anymore.:( The teacher finally discovered who the girls are but won't tell me their names. I have been told by 3 other mothers though that their kids have told them who the bullies are and one of them is one of Emily's best friends :confused: Her mother is a good friend of mine and I know she will be devastated to find out that her daughter's involved. She's been really upset about the situation and has been trying to find out who the offenders are for me. I'm really conflicted as to what to do. If it were me, I'd want to know. But I also don't want to hurt her. What would you do?

[Lissa]

Oh, Clare, you have to talk to your friend. If she's been helping you figure this out, she'll want to know -- especially since it seems it is her daughter. I know you'd want to know if it were Emily. :bighug: Good luck!

[Alyssa]

I was going to say that I would talk to her myself, but I think that first I'd try to have the principal do it. But if this principal refuses - absolutely I would do it.

And if you do do it, I think you say that you've heard from 3 different people but that Emily is not naming her child. In other words, all the facts. :)

[Girlo]

I was going to say that I would talk to her myself, but I think that first I'd try to have the principal do it. But if this principal refuses - absolutely I would do it.

And if you do do it, I think you say that you've heard from 3 different people but that Emily is not naming her child. In other words, all the facts. :)

I think this is a good plan. :nod:

[Joan]

I was going to say that I would talk to her myself, but I think that first I'd try to have the principal do it. But if this principal refuses - absolutely I would do it.

And if you do do it, I think you say that you've heard from 3 different people but that Emily is not naming her child. In other words, all the facts. :)

I agree with Alyssa. Try to get the principal to do it, which I'm sure she/he will. On second thought, why hasn't the principal done it already? I can understand the teacher not wanting to identify the bullies. Some parents can get crazy (not you, of course!)

I also want to say Clare, that you are being a good parent following through with this. Bullying (sp?) teasing/harrassing are so hurtful and I think the general response is to tell the child to ignore it. You are advocating for Emily and she knows that you've "got her back."

[Karri]

I agree with the others. And I also want to say that I am so sorry that this is happening to Emily :hug99:

[sheila]

I would skip the principal, but use Alyssa's plan to talk to her. She will probably be hurt, but she is also in a much better position to find out what is going on (and possibly why) from the other little girl's point of view.

[Clare]

Emily is denying that the child is involved, did I mention that? So I'm thinking that I should tell her that Emily says it isn't true, but this is what the other kids are saying. So make it sound like that I don't really believe it :dunno: The other problem is that her daughter has lied to her b/c she asked her which two girls were taken out of class by the principal the other day (when they were caught bullying Em) and she named the other girl but said that she didn't know who the other one was. So that's going to get her in more trouble.

Joan - thanks for saying that :) I can't imagine telling Emily to just ignore it and/or get over it! :disbelief

[Tab]

I don't quite understand why the teacher wouldn't want to get to the bottom of this !! We had a problem about a month ago and the teacher for my daughter handled it quite nicely but I think lead more into the fact of what was really going on then there really was . Another little girl was patting my daughter on the butt and the teacher caught it and called both sets of parents and she thought I guess it was more sexual then it really was but it wasn't , it was just an innocent thing. We told our daughter to not let people do that to her and the teacher talked to both girls the next day and told this other little girl she can not go around patting other children on the butt. Granted it did freak me out at first because the teacher was lead to believe from what she saw that it was more sexual but in reality it wasn't . Ok long story short the teacher should really handle this and get in touch with all of the childrens parents and resolve the issue. If not you should then get in touch with your daughters best friends mother and let her know whats going on , but I honestly still feel the teacher should do this though . JMO

[JustJen]

I agree with Alyssa. Good advice!

I think if it was my child who was the bully I'd want to know.

I also agree with Joan. I think it's so great that you are there for Emily through this and helping in working things out.

[Bridget]

I think Alyssa has good points also. :justahug: I am so sorry this is happening.

Me, I'd go the principle route first and if that yields no response, I'd mention it to the mom... but I think tempered with "all the facts" as Alyssa pointed out, and your emphasis that Emily says it isn't true will help soften the blow. I think you'll come across partially as trying to help clear her own child's name.

I guess at this point that birthday party is over, so let us know how it went.

I really hope that there is a misunderstanding and her good friend is not guilty. :(

[Nadine]

I am really torn on this issue but I like what Alyssa and Joan are suggesting.

In the end, what is most important is Emily's well being. If your friendship suffers (as it happened to us with several families) then it is not as strong as you thought it was. That hurts but .... nothing you can do.

I really hope your friend's kid is not one of the bullies.
:hug99: Emily is such a great kid. She doesn't deserve this!

[MrsPeacefrog]

Clare, firstly you need to give Em a big fat :hug99: from me, sorry I haven't gotten to this sooner.

I agree that having the teacher or principle tell her will give it more validity, and opens the door for you then to talk to her about it, and being that she has been so upset about whats been going on with Em, and the fact she is a good friend, I hope that means she will take action and not treat you both any differently. Its a horrible situation to be in.

Poor Em. Children can be so cruel!

[Gerri]

:hug99: Whether you talk to the parent yourself, or have another parent do it, I hope they can resolve this soon. I absolutely hate the thought of a child dreading to go to school for even one day because of a bully. :hug99: Good for you for taking this seriously, and for doing something about it it quickly. :bighug:

[lizziebeth]

Clare, I'm so sorry that Em is having to deal with this.

Just want to ask ... the mother you're thinking of telling - is she the nutty one you've mentioned before? Or is it someone else?

[Alyssa]

Emily is denying that the child is involved, did I mention that? So I'm thinking that I should tell her that Emily says it isn't true, but this is what the other kids are saying. So make it sound like that I don't really believe it :dunno: If you talk to her, I think you absolutely need to bring this up. (I was trying to get at that in my post, sorry I wasn't clear.) It helps explain the whole situation a little more, and sheds an interesting light on Emily.

[MelissaM]

Oh man Clare...there is NOTHING worse...I am so sorry that you guys are dealing with this :hig99:

That said, I do believe that the ladies here bring up some good points. If it were me I would most certainly see how the school is going to handle it and then take it from there.

I would also talk to my friend...I would bring it up rather delicately saying "Hey, Emily is having some trouble at school, how is "J' handling doing? Any troubles that you know of?" and then I would use her answer as a springboard to discuss Emily and "J"s relaitionship (or whatever her name is)

Honestly, I hate to say this, but OH the lives of little girls....horrible little creatures they can be...boys fist fight, girls fight with words and emotions...it is SO MUCH easier to deal with a boy in school than a girl....

If you need anything at ALL just sing out...I have been through it and while sometimes I didn't make the best decisions, in the end, we all got through those school years....

[Bev]

I agree with Alyssa and Joan. Emily is lucky to have such a good Mummy. :)

[Clare]

I called the principal this morning and am very glad that I spoke to him before speaking to my friend. He confirmed that C & B were the two girls taken to his office for bullying Emily last week but that B admitted that it was all her and that C (Emily's friend) wasn't actually involved. Seems she was sitting next to B so was caught up in it but was an innocent bystander. I'm SO relieved. I'm going to speak to C's mother and let her know what has happened. I don't want whispers :secret: to get back to her, especially now that I know that her child wasn't really involved.

Thankyou for all the advice :bighug: Now that we know why Emily is upset and who the bully is, we can start working on building up her self-esteem again. She has been invited to the bully's birthday party on Thursday so maybe that is a good sign that the issue has been resolved.

[MrsPeacefrog]

Thats great news Clare, its such a relief to know that Em's friend wasn't part of it all.

Hopefully B has gotten over her problems with Em and they enjoy her birthday party, is Emily excited to go?

Em is a smart girl, I think with your guidence she will get through this with out too much emotional scaring! :hug99: good luck!

[Nadine]

:hug99: I am so glad to hear that your friend's daughter was not involved. WHEW! What a relief!
It sounds like the principal is doing a good job taking care of things.
I hope that now that you know who the culprit is, you will manage to help Emily back on her feet. Poor kid! :hug99: Good luck!

[Bev]

I'm glad things are on the way to working out. :)

[Bridget]

I'm sooo glad that her friend wasn't involved. :) And I hope that Emily can move on from this very quickly.

[Alyssa]

So there is just one girl at the center of it all then?

[Clare]

So there is just one girl at the center of it all then?

Yes. The wierd thing is though, that Emily and this girl are suddenly really tight. Apparently they sit together at recess and lunch and won't play with anyone else. Emily brought some money home yesterday and said that she got it from B :scratch:

I've written more about it in my other thread:
http://www.onceuponalife.com/forums/showthread.php?p=788748#post788748 :(