Why does she suddenly dread school?

[Clare]

We're going through a really rough patch with Emily right now and I'm at loss as to what to do. She started 1st grade 6 weeks ago (which is obviously older then preschool but seeming as we don't have a forum for anything between pre-school and pre teen/teenagers, I chose preschool :dunno: ) She used to LOVE school. All through pre-school and kindergarten she was very social, popular, bright, loved learning and helping the teachers. She was really excited about starting the 1st grade and indeed was very happy the first few weeks. Things have taken a turn for the worst though. For the last few weeks she dreads going to school. As soon as it's time to get ready in the morning, she suddenly isn't feeling well or she has a sore foot or some other excuse. Her mood declines the closer it gets to school time, she is teary and sullen in the car and bursts into tears when it's time to go into class. I have absolutely no idea what the problem is. I've tried talking to her but she says that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to go either. Her behaviour at school has changed as well. She is now introverted and shy and spends most of her time alone. Her best friends have told their mothers that she won't play with them any more. Apparently she sits in a corner all alone at recess and lunchtime.:( She used to love getting a lunch order from the canteen once a week but now refuses to buy lunch, she insists that I make her a sandwich. She refuses to do her news (show & tell) on Fridays. I've tried to encourage her and give her lots of ideas of things she can talk about but she says that she won't do news b/c she's an uninteresting person :sad: It is making me so very sad, I got teary myself this morning when she was bawling and begging not to have to go into class and I'm teary now writing this :( Where has my confident girl gone? She won't tell me what's wrong so I don't have any idea where to even start with this :dunno:

[TtownAnne]

Gosh, Clare, how sad! Do her teachers have any insight to offer?

[Kara]

I would start with the teachers as well...

See if something happened with him/her or maybe a friend? maybe her feelings got hurt or she was embarrassed in some way?
Poor thing!! I hope you can find out whats wrong so she will love school again!

[Silke]

I would talk to the teacher. I don't know anythign about the Australian school system, but 1st grade was quite a change for Natascha as well. We did fine first quarter, but after that she was struggling a lot.

Have you noticed any change in how long it takes her to do her homework, any problems there?
Maybe the story with the mother has her all stirred up?

[Silke]

Oh...my daughter is one who won't tell you what's wrong. I have to fish it out of her. Usually the right way of questioning works...very specific questions vs "What's wrong?" KWIM?

[Clare]

Her teacher doesn't know what the problem is either. She tells me every morning that she'll keep an eye on her and when I pick her up she tells me that she's been up and down. I was thinking of asking if I could stick around for a bit and help out in the classroom one day so I can observe, but she probably won't act normally if I'm there :dunno:

[Dennis]

Clare, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like there is definitely something going on. I agree with starting with the teachers and see what they have to say about it.

Denins

[Karri]

I am sorry that Emily is going through this, Clare :hug99: It really does sound like something is going on....almost as if someone bullied her/repetedly picked on her at some point and broke down her confidence. :dunno:

[MrsPeacefrog]

I agree with Karri, it sounds like the behaviour of someone who has been hurt and believed what was said about her :blue: the poor thing, does the school have a counselor that maybe she can talk to? I can't think of anything else you can do other than helping to build her self confidence and keep reminding her how amazing she really is

:hug99: I hope this gets better real soon I can't imagine how much this is breaking your heart!

[Joan]

Clare, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I also feel for poor Emily. I agree to keep talking with the teacher and request Emily see the school counselor. They are trained find out what is happening with a child. Her sudden dislike for school could be from a number of things, like the others have already mentioned How long has this been happening? How is she at home? Does she play with her friends outside of school?

[Clare]

I would talk to the teacher. I don't know anythign about the Australian school system, but 1st grade was quite a change for Natascha as well. We did fine first quarter, but after that she was struggling a lot.

Have you noticed any change in how long it takes her to do her homework, any problems there?
Maybe the story with the mother has her all stirred up?

1st grade is a big change. It's the first year of "proper" school. But she was so eager to start learning that she was really looking forward to it. I doubt that it's the change in the structure of the classroom that's the problem. She hasn't had any homework yet (which is another issue entirely but I would think that by 6 weeks into grade 1 she should be bringing home reader books?)

We originally thought that the lunatic mother was the one that upset her, but it's 3 weeks on now and she's still really upset. (For those that don't know, one of the mothers from the class is a nutcase and compulsive liar and was making up stories about other kids bullying hers. She asked Emily to protect her kid on the playground which was when Em started being upset about school.But that particular issue seems to have been resolved so not sure if it has anything to do with what's going on now :dunno: )

Silke - what sort of questions do you ask Natascha to make her talk?

[Clare]

Clare, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I also feel for poor Emily. I agree to keep talking with the teacher and request Emily see the school counselor. They are trained find out what is happening with a child. Her sudden dislike for school could be from a number of things, like the others have already mentioned How long has this been happening? How is she at home? Does she play with her friends outside of school?

We don't have a school councellor. There is a school nurse, maybe I could see if she'll talk to her? It's been about 3 weeks now. She is fine at home, same as ever and only starts to get sullen and upset when it's time for school. She still plays with her friends outside of school.:dunno:

[Joan]

I hate to say it, but do you think it is the teacher? Does Emily like her?

[MrsPeacefrog]

I was wondering the same thing as Joan

[Clare]

I'm pretty sure it's not the teacher. She seems lovely and Emily says she loves her :dunno: She's young but has had a few years experience, although this is her first time with 1st grade. She normally teaches 4th grade. Don't know if that might have something to do with it.

[Nadine]

Clare - first of all lots of :hug99:.
Since I know what has been going on with Clare B., I can't help thinking this whole issue is playing a huge part in Em's sudden dislike for school. Can you try and find out if she is contacting Em in school and if her daughter is causing problems for Em?
In addition, I agree with Silke. Yumi was fine at first but after a short while in 1st grade he started having problems. I know his case is different than Em's. That's why I have a few questions for you:
In what way is 1st grade the same and in what ways is it different from the previosu year? (More structured, more demanding, less playtime? etc)
Can you ask the teacher to observe her even more closely and tell you when she is happy and when she gets all shy?
Since she is 1st grade, there is a possibility that older kids started bullying her.
Do you have her meet friends from school after school? That might build up her confidence.

Try Silke's approach of questioning her. Keep telling her (as I am sure you already do) that you sense something is wrong and that the only way you can help her is if she tells you what is going on. That the teacher needs to know if one of the kids is bullying her.

:hug99: I hope things will work out ASAP.

[MrsPeacefrog]

I personally think that the key to this is her saying "I am an uninteresting person"... who said this to her??? I think if you can find this out then everything else will make sense.

[Silke]

I personally think that the key to this is her saying "I am an uninteresting person"... who said this to her??? I think if you can find this out then everything else will make sense.
Yes, something happened there...probably another child or children made comments.

I have to ask very specific questions with Natascha to get anything. General questions won't do it.
I would start asking if someone hurt her feelings at school.....go down the list of kids if need be. Since it might have something to do with the presentation...do you remember when this started? Which presentation piece maybe? It's kind of hard giving an idea of questions...mine depend on the answers I get. Maybe ask, if someone (or name) said her presentationwas boring.

[Clare]

So this morning she was happy to go to school, she was looking forward to hymn singing cause it's her second favourite class (wierd kid :crazy: :lol: ). She got out of the car and ran to the classroom when she heard the bell ring. I was thinking it was going well until I went to leave and she burst into tears and started clinging to me :confused: I tried talking to her last night but she just said that nobody has upset her, she likes her teacher, she likes the class, it isn't too hard and she doesn't know why she is getting stressed and upset :dunno: I tried talking to her teacher this morning but we kept getting interrupted by kids and other parents. She did say that she didn't have a great day yesterday, that she starts to stress when a break is coming up (recess or lunch) and asks if she can sit in the office instead of going out on the playground :confused: I spoke to the principal this morning about councelling. He said they do have someone on call but he thinks we should leave it a few days without mentioning it to her and see if that helps the situation. I don't know if I agree with that. It's hard when she's crying and clinging to me not to ask what's wrong.

Since I know what has been going on with Clare B., I can't help thinking this whole issue is playing a huge part in Em's sudden dislike for school. Can you try and find out if she is contacting Em in school and if her daughter is causing problems for Em?


She was speaking to her every morning and asking her how she was feeling which seemed to be when Em would get upset. I spoke to her last week and told her to stop speaking to Emily. She's been readmitted to the "clinic" and hasn't been around for several days so I don't know if she has anything to do with it.

In what way is 1st grade the same and in what ways is it different from the previosu year? (More structured, more demanding, less playtime? etc)


Yep it's very different. More structured, less playtime and also the first time they've socialise with the rest of the school at break times.

Can you ask the teacher to observe her even more closely and tell you when she is happy and when she gets all shy?

The teacher's already doing that.

Since she is 1st grade, there is a possibility that older kids started bullying her.


That's a possibility but she denies it.

Do you have her meet friends from school after school? That might build up her confidence.


Yes, she sees Kate on Thursday and Saturday, Charlotte on Tuesday. This week she also has playdates on Weds and Fri.

[Bridget]

Clare I'm sorry I didn't see this until today. :justahug:

I'm sorry this has all been so stressful for Emily and for you. :(

I just can't help but wonder if Clare B. isn't behind this somehow too. I just keep wondering if she didn't say or do something to Emily that caused her some long term stress, even if Emily doesn't exactly remember? Maybe she threatened her in some way and Emily can't quite put it into words but now associates break time with fear or stress? I feel like that sounds crazy when I write it though. :dunno: I guess I'm not the only one wondering that I just feel badly thinking that would ever happen.

I do think you're doing the right thing to continue pressing everyone to watch her, give you information, etc. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I guess if it continues maybe she could meet with a counselor? Or even just you could to get some tips on how to question her? I wonder if you could take her out alone sometime, for ice cream or something special and maybe turn it into a sort of game like they do with dolls, "such and such happened to my doll and made her feel badly." That sounds stupid I guess... I was just thinking maybe if you shared something, she would too. But she's such a little girl I don't know that she knows "how" to share what's bothering her?

I'm sorry I don't feel like I'm much help and this is just kind of a gibbering post.

Keep us posted and hang in there. Hopefully this will pass soon. Perhaps this morning was the sign of an improvement.

[Clare]

Thanks Bridget. I have tried those things but she's not opening up :dunno:

Her teacher said she was the same again today, stressed when it was coming up to break times and asking if she could sit in the office instead of on the playground. Her teacher lets her sit outside the staffroom so she can see her while she eats. She did eat a little more today then yesterday, so that's one good thing.

I had the idea of asking the teacher that she had last year to speak to her. Mrs M. is a fantastic teacher, she's been teaching for more then 30 years, has adult kids and grandkids. She's got more experience then anyone else involved in this situation and she knows Emily well and has a good relationship with her. I asked the principal if it was okay for me to speak with her and he agreed that it was a good idea. So I had a talk with her this afternoon, she was very shocked b/c she knows Emily's personality and knows that she's never been shy, scared or unwilling to play or speak in public before. She said she'll absolutely try to help in any way she can and will speak with Em tomorrow. Interestingly, she asked if there has been any pressure from Clare B, so she was thinking along those lines as well.

Another thought that I had was that maybe Em is feeling self conscious about her height. She is MUCH taller then the other kids in her class, she looks like she's 8 or 9 at least. So this afternoon I casually dropped into the conversation that she's lucky that she's tall. She immediately went quiet, looked at her feet and said she's not lucky, that she hates being tall. I told her all the good things about being tall (playing basketball - she doesn't like basketball, being a model - she doesn't want to be a model :rolleyes: ) She said that she wishes she was "normal" like everyone else. So now I'm wondering if she maybe has been bullied about looking different :dunno:

[MrsPeacefrog]

OH Clare, it breaks my heart to hear Em so upset :blue: I think that you are definatley narrowing in on the problem. It could be a combination of a few things, and I think that maybe telling storys to her how the grass is always greener.... maybe telling her how short people wish they were tall, red heads wish they had brown, straight/curly etc etc so she learns that there is always something that people want changed but we are who we are. I wonder if speaking with someone yourself about how to build her self esteem up while figuring out what is exactly bothering will help? I also think that now she is in the playground with the rest of the school that perhaps she has had passing comments from older kids and although its not bullying she is still listening to there comments and is feeling self conscious!

OY what is the world coming to when our 6yr olds can be worried about what they look like.

I am trying to think if there was anyone tall on Aussie Idol that she liked so that you can associate it with that?

Give her a hug for me....:hug99:

[Bridget]

Hmm... I agree... sounds like you may be getting somewhere. Teasing can be brutal as I'm sure we all know. I was always the short (and then pudgy) kid so I got my share as did most of us. I think (honestly) being the tall girl might be the hardest though - it seems more acceptable in society for a girl to be short or even overweight than very tall, especially with kids it seems. But like I'm the expert. :rolleyes: That's just my impression.

I also like the idea of involving her last year teacher. That was a good move.

This is probably dumb... because I'm sure she's not eating lunch because of her stress, but I wonder if she also thinks it will help her not to grow taller or something??

Wish I were more help. :(

[Clare]

This is probably dumb... because I'm sure she's not eating lunch because of her stress, but I wonder if she also thinks it will help her not to grow taller or something??



Not dumb, I was thinking the same thing :nod:

We seem to have an answer of sorts. Yesterday afternoon I had a call from her teacher who asked me if Emily had told me anything about the day, which she hadn't. She said that she caught a group of girls bullying Emily in music class. The girls were taunting her saying that they weren't her friend and would never be her friend. :( Emily was very distressed and had to be removed from the class. The principal was notified and he took the offending girls to his office for a talking to. Nobody will tell me which girls it is, but it seems like we've maybe gotten to the root of the problem. I talked to Em last night, told her that the teacher called and told me that some girls were being mean to her. She immediately started to cry and said yes, they are very mean. I asked her if that's why she's been upset and not wanting to go to school and she said yes. I asked her who the girls are and she said she couldn't remember :confused: Which makes me think that she's too scared to name them so maybe they've threatened her :dunno: I've told her that she should have told me and we could have sorted it out sooner. I hope I've got the message through that she can (and should )tell me everything.

So now we just have to make sure that these girls stop the bullying and work on rebuilding her self esteem :( I didn't think I'd be dealing with this until high school!

[Joan]

Poor Emily! Why do kids need to deal with this kind of BS at such a young age! I'm glad you got to the root of the problem and I'm sure Emily feels better having shared this with you. I'm glad the principal got involved. I sure hope the bullying stops.

[Nadine]

:hug99: Oh no! Poor Em! :hug99:
I really hope though that that was the root of the problem and that it can be sorted out.
I can't understand why the school won;t tell you the names of the bullies. That makes no sense whatsoever! Demand to know their names again and try to enlist the help of last year's teacher for that. You can't prep her against the "enemy" if you don;t know who you are up against!

[Dennis]

Poor Emily. Hopefully you can get it worked out.

[sheila]

:bawl: Poor both of you! What a horrible thing to have to go through at such a young age!

Do you think having a friend over after school some afternoons would help? At least she could get some more solid friendships with some of the girls and that could help-- if nothing else, it could give her someone to stand beside her while the other girls are mean. :dunno:

[TtownAnne]

Oh, poor Emily! :blue: I like Sheila's idea of inviting over some school friends and helping to build up the good relationships as a means toward helping rebuild Em's sense of self. Worst come to worst, teach Emily to reply that when these girls say they aren't her friends and will never be, "Whew, and I was worried I'd be stuck with losers like you for the rest of my life!" :tongue2: :devil:

[Cami]

Clare, this is so sad! I can imagine how much this has hurt!!

I agree with Sheila and Anne. If she has even one good friend to stand by her, the bullies won't be inclined to pick on her.

Do you know the other moms at all? Would it help to talk to them?

[Alyssa]

I just read this whole thread, Clare - poor Em. :sad: I am glad you are getting at the root of it.

My sister went through something similar in kindergarten, on days when she had Library class. I was young myself so my memories of the whole thing are vague - I'll ask my mom about it to see if there is anything I can draw from that to help you. :hug99:

[Bev]

So this morning she was happy to go to school, she was looking forward to hymn singing cause it's her second favourite class (wierd kid :crazy: :lol: ). She got out of the car and ran to the classroom when she heard the bell ring. I was thinking it was going well until I went to leave and she burst into tears and started clinging to me :confused: ...

she starts to stress when a break is coming up (recess or lunch) and asks if she can sit in the office instead of going out on the playground :confused: ... It's hard when she's crying and clinging to me not to ask what's wrong.

Just finally getting to this thread. I am so sorry Emily is going through this. :hug99:

I quoted this part because now you know when she's getting stressed so you can ask her what she's thinking about when break time is coming up because the answer will be another key to the problem.

You've already gotten to some of the problem, so that's good. It's hard because she's only 6 so she's not going to be able to do some of the things anyones suggests and she probably won't believe you when you tell her she's lucky to be tall or special or anything because she will focus on the fact she is different. Perhaps you can suggest that the shortest child feels out of place too and she should try to be friends with her so neither of them will feel left out.

I would also tell her that the mean girls are jealous of her because she is so tall and pretty. She won't believe you of course but keep reassuring her it's the truth. Remind her too that she wouldn't want those mean girls to be her friends so it doesn't matter what they think because her real friends know she is nice and kind and funny.

Remind her too, that she is not responsible for this Clare B's daughter, she is only responsible for herself (and maybe Harry).

Jeez I truly didn't think this crap started until late elementary or junior high. I'm sorry you and Emily are going through this. :hug99:

[Clare]

She would love that Bretta :) Emily tells people about her friend Ashley in Alabama too!

Today I'm confused. Another mother called to tell me that her son told her who the mean girls are and one of them is one of Emily's best friends :confused: She asked him twice, first time "which girls are being mean to Emily" and later "which girls were taken out of music class by the principal" and the answer was the same both times. I drive this girl to school a couple of days a week and she comes over after school to play quite often. Em is going to her birthday party tomorrow (and to the other "named" one's party next week) :dunno: Emily hasn't acted any different around her lately and still seems just as excited as ever to play with her. I asked Em if her friend was one of the mean girls and she said no :confused: This girl's mother is a really good friend of mine too and she's been horrified at the situation and keen to find out who the offenders are. So do I tell her that her daughter has been named?

I think I'm just going to have to keep a close eye at this party tomorrow and see if I can pick up on anything :confused:

[Bev]

I asked Em if her friend was one of the mean girls and she said no :confused: This girl's mother is a really good friend of mine too and she's been horrified at the situation and keen to find out who the offenders are. So do I tell her that her daughter has been named?

I say don't tell the other girls mother but you could ask Emily if her friend ever does/says something Emily doesn't like very much and go from there. What a weird situation.

[Alyssa]

Maybe this girl is mean to Emily in front of others but nice to her in person? :dunno:

[Clare]

I can't understand why the school won;t tell you the names of the bullies. That makes no sense whatsoever! Demand to know their names again and try to enlist the help of last year's teacher for that. You can't prep her against the "enemy" if you don;t know who you are up against!

I wanted to comment on this too. I do understand why the school aren't giving me the names. They don't want me confronting the bullies or the parents. I do want to know though, not only out of curiousity but also to be sure that I'm not contributing to the situation by unwittingly inviting these girls to be around Em. I'm thinking of calling the principal on Monday and saying that I've been told that these are the two girls involved, can he deny or confirm it b/c one of them spends a lot of time at my house but if she is involved then we need to back off from that friendship for awhile :dunno:

[Stacey]

Clare, I'm so sorry that Emily is going through all of this. You're doing a great job being her advocate, even though it's a difficult job. She's lucky to have a mom like you.

[Clare]

Thanks Stacey :)

Two more mothers have confirmed that their kids have named the same two girls. Now it's come from 3 different sources so it has to be right. Emily is denying it though. I've brought it up a couple of times and she says that I'm wrong, that C & B are her friends and they're both really nice to her :dunno: She's still saying that she can't remember who's being mean to her. For some reason she feels like she has to protect them :confused:

So now I have the dilemma of whether or not to tell my friend that her daughter is involved. Some other mothers are telling me that I have to, that they'd want to know if it was their child. And that she'll understand. I just feel really bad about it though b/c she is so nice and she's trying hard to find out who the offenders are for me. I wish the teacher or principal had called the mothers when the kids had been caught, that would make it easier for me.

[Alyssa]

Would you want to know if Emily was being named like this?

[Clare]

Yes I would. But I'd still be upset. I want someone else to tell her, I don't want to be the one to do it!

[Stacey]

I wish the teacher or principal had called the mothers when the kids had been caught, that would make it easier for me.
That's the part I don't understand. I can understand the principal not wanting to tell you who the kids were, but I definitely think he should have notified their parents. They need to know about this. I think that it's either the principal's or the teacher's place to tell them.

[Karri]

That's the part I don't understand. I can understand the principal not wanting to tell you who the kids were, but I definitely think he should have notified their parents. They need to know about this. I think that it's either the principal's or the teacher's place to tell them.

Me too :scratch:

I hope that this comes to an end immediately. Poor Emily. No child deserves this :hug99:

[Bonnie]

I am so sorry you and Emily are having to deal with this, Clare.

[MrsPeacefrog]

Clare, maybe she thinks that if she confirms who the girls are then they will have more reason not to like her because she "told" on them....I feel so bad for her :blue:

[Bev]

Was it Alyssa who mentioned that perhaps C&B are being mean to her when another girl is around who they want to impress? Maybe all the Moms can talk without the kids to inform them these are the people and then the Moms can talk to their own children to see what is happening. Also to reassure Emily that she can still be friends with C&B if she wants to and you like them you just don't like their behaviour.

Tough situation all around. :hug99:

[Bridget]

My guess is that Deb is right about this. :( Clare, maybe she thinks that if she confirms who the girls are then they will have more reason not to like her because she "told" on them....I feel so bad for her :blue:

[Clare]

It turns out there is only one bully, we'll call her B.

This morning was awful. It's Harmony Day, celebrating multiculturalism. The kids were invited to wear a costume from another country or culture. We didn't really have anything so Emily decided to go "Aussie", like many other kids in her class. She was wearing boardshorts, singlet and thongs so she looked like a beach bum. When we got to school, every kid in the class was dressed up except for B who was wearing her school uniform. Em immediately said that she'd changed her mind about dressing up and needed to change into her uniform. I said too bad, her uniform was at home. She became hysterical and was acting like she was scared. I told her to settle down, that everyone was dressed up and to go into class. I had to take Harry into his classroom so turned to walk away and she HIT me!! I could not believe it! That is not how my child behaves!! :woa: (well not that one anyway :rolleyes: ) The teacher came to take her into the class and she was absolutely sobbing. I decided that I'd get her uniform to see if that would calm her down. I got back to school 10 minutes later with her uniform and she was standing in the corner sobbing her eyes out. I gave her her uniform and she threw it back at me saying that she didn't want it. I left b/c I felt like my presence wasn't helping any. I called the teacher at recess and she said that she had eventually settled down but started stressing when it was coming up to break time. :dunno:


I think there's something dodgy going on with B. Another girl had a problem with her last year. B was obsessed with J and trying to make J be her exclusive friend. She wouldn't let anyone else sit near her, be her partner, play with her etc. J's mother had to ask the teacher to keep them apart and eventually it all settled down. I'm guessing that B is now doing the same thing with Em. But I don't know why Em is going along with it or refusing to admit anything. It feels to me like B's threatening her. Emily is meant to go to B's birthday party on Thursday but I think I'm going to tell her that she can't go. I think I need to put some distance between them. I told the teacher this morning that it's like there's some sort of obsession thing going on, so she is going to keep them apart in class. That's not going to help in the playground though.

This is SO hard. I thought I had this parenting thing down pat until I got hit with this :confused:

[Nadine]

:woa: Emily hit you? She must be seriously distressed if she did THAT. OMG, poor darling!

Have you talked to B's mom? Maybe if you work it out with her that could help?
It is JMO, but i think that girl (B) needs professional help if she keeps behaving that way!

[Clare]

I've had a talk with Em this afternoon and she's finally opened up. My suspicions were right. It seems that B has become obsessed with Em and tells her she has to be her partner in all activities, sit/play with only her at break times etc. Emily goes along with it b/c if she doesn't B gets "really mean". She said that she says that she'll never be her friend and frowns meanly at her. (Funny how some kids take that so seriously while others would just roll their eyes and move on!) Emily is scared of her :( I told her that for a start she isn't going to B's birthday party which she seemed quite relieved about but was also worried that it would make B angry and she'd be meaner. I told her that tomorrow she is not to spend recess and lunch with B but is to play with her other friends. She's worried about it but has agreed. I called the teacher and told her everything. She said that she had planned to sit them both down tomorrow and talk to them but now that Emily has finally talked, she's going to just speak to B. She will also inform the principal and talk to B's mother.

Phew, I really hope this means that it's all going to stop and that I'll get my happy girl back again soon!

Oh and at the risk of sounding like a snob, B is not the sort of friend that I really want for Em anyway. Her father is in jail, rumour is that her mother is a junkie and/or prostitute (both feasible by the looks of her :blush: ), and her brother is a thug. I hate to be elitist, but I would never let Emily go to her house to play anyway. We encourage her to be friends with everyone but I think in this instance we're justified in telling her to stay away from this girl.

[Nadine]

:hug99: I am SO glad that Em finally opened up and taled to you. No wonder she is stressed. :hug99:
And just for the record- I would not let my kids play with such a kid in the first place. So f you are a snob/elitist... so am I.

[Jen]

I think hearing B's background gives a good reason why she is behaving inappropriately.
I'm so sorry Emily is having to suffer through this kind of treatment. It is intolerable!

I'm so glad things finally came out in the open though. I'm sure it's a huge relief for Emily. I hope she can see how much you love her and stand behind her and that she will feel more comfortable to tell you things in the future.

You should push the school to take some action against B before she moves on to torment more children. I would say that you should talk to her mother but hearing their situation, it doens't sound like that would help much. If her mother were caring and concerned with B, she might not be behaving this way at all. If the parent will not step in, the school should.

I'm sure this was all very new and scary to Emily and maybe now she knows that she can not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone. There are people in the world who have problems and aren't nice people and that is not Em's fault. I would brag on her for coming out with the truth and tell her she is strong, brave, and intelligent for realizing that this treatment of her is wrong.

I hope you are able to get some resolution now that you know more of the story. I absolutely agree that she shouldn't go to the birthday party given the cirucumstances. On second thought, maybe you should go alone and give the girl a special talking to for her birthday :lol:

[Dennis]

I'm glad you finally got to the botttom of it.

[Lissa]

I'm glad you got to the bottom of it too. Poor Em! And poor B! She is just a baby herself at 6 years old and if all the info you have on her family is true, the dear needs some intervention.

I know it would be a chore, but you might find it a good idea to go to the party on Thursday. You could see first hand what her family life is all about. And you may be able to help turn this little girl's life around and stop another girl from being victiminzed.

[Clare]

:tearhair: ARgh I'm so frustrated! Emily was in such a good mood last night and this morning after she'd opened up about the bullying. It was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Before we left for school I asked her what the plan was for today. She said "I'm not going to sit next to B and when she says she won't be my friend then I'll say that's okay, I've got other friends and walk away. I'm not going to let her be mean to me and I'm going to tell the teacher if she tries." Great, I thought. But then we get to school and her teacher isn't there, it's a substitute. I thought oh crap, this isn't any good, this woman won't know what's happening. Anyway, the kids were sitting on the mat and I directed Emily to the back to sit with J & K and away from B. But she went directly to sit next to B!! :confused: I told her to move away but she looked at me with tears and fear in her eyes and shook her head :dunno: This kid has a hold over her and she's scared!

A couple of the mother's told me that their kids have told them that B's thug older brother has threatened them to be friend's with B, so I'm guessing that Em is scared of him too :(

[Bridget]

Oh no! How terrible for you and Emily. I guess she was trying to be strong but seeing her in person was just too much. And I think she was lashing out at you in total desperation. :justahug:

I think the school must step in and intervene. I mean, if it is to the point where Emily is virtually traumatized to even go to school, then it is beyond the point where they can ignore it. And if the older brother has entered the mix, that's even worse. :angry2: I think that other little girl is going to need some therapy, she seems like an angry, sad, scary kid who has learned early that bullying is how you get things.

Geez Clare, this must be so frustrating. I still think it is a big positive that Em opened up to you, though, at least she knows she's not alone. :(

Will the regular teacher be back tomorrow?

[Clare]

:(

Will the regular teacher be back tomorrow?

Yes, thank goodness. I couldn't believe that she wasn't there today after all the assurances that I gave to Emily that Miss D would be on her side!

I called the principal this morning and told him everything that I told the teacher yesterday. I also told him about the thug big brother. He immediately went to the class, sent B out with the substitute teacher and talked to the class about bullying and being bullied. He then spoke to B who admitted that she is being too forceful with Emily. He's told her to back off. This is the 2nd time that he's spoken to her so hopefully it might get through this time. He says that the brother has approached kids in Em's class and told them to be nice to his sister but he doesn't think it was in a threatening way (I get the feeling that he really doesn't want to admit that this is bullying, there wouldn't be bullying in his school :rolleyes: )

So I guess I'll see what Emily has to say this afternoon about her day. Hopefully she got up the nerve to play with someone else at recess and lunch. And when Miss D is back tomorrow, she will make sure that they are kept apart, at least in the classroom.

[Nadine]

I am glad the principal took matters in his hands. This "not in MY school" is such a load full of BS. It is OBVIOUS there is bullying going on in his school.
I hope things will improve.

[Bev]

He says that the brother has approached kids in Em's class and told them to be nice to his sister but he doesn't think it was in a threatening way.

Glad to see the Principal has done something and hopefully his chat will rally the kids and get them not to be afraid of B anymore.

Regarding the above statement. If the thug is 10 or older he can say "Be nice to my sister!" in the friendliest tone ever, but the fact of the matter is he is MUCH BIGGER than a 6 year old so they will naturally be afraid of him. It's bullying or intimidation by size.

Bullies don't have to say anything to be a bully. Just going up and puffing out their chest at someone is intimidation tactics. Tell the Principal that! Yeesh! That's common sense!

[Bridget]

Glad to see the Principal has done something and hopefully his chat will rally the kids and get them not to be afraid of B anymore.

Regarding the above statement. If the thug is 10 or older he can say "Be nice to my sister!" in the friendliest tone ever, but the fact of the matter is he is MUCH BIGGER than a 6 year old so they will naturally be afraid of him. It's bullying or intimidation by size.

Bullies don't have to say anything to be a bully. Just going up and puffing out their chest at someone is intimidation tactics. Tell the Principal that! Yeesh! That's common sense!

Well said Beverly.

Hope things improve for your little girl (and you) very soon. :justahug:

[Jen]

Wow Clare, that is scary. I'm so glad you were able to speak with the principal. It sounded to me like a serious situation when poor Emily couldn't even sit with some other kids without feeling like she would face retaliation.

Could the older brother really be threatening to hurt the girls in some way? The way Emily was acting makes me think the situation is pretty serious. I hope the principal treats it that way.

Do you think Emily would tell you any more about the situation and why she felt she had to sit by B? I feel so bad for her,being so miserable at school and feeling powerless against B/and her brother. That is very sad.

I can understand your frustration and sadness. I hope B girl gets pulled from class to go to a counselor or something so she can learn not to behave as a menace to society. It's scary to think what she may be like as an adult if she is already so forceful at 6!

[Clare]

Do you think Emily would tell you any more about the situation and why she felt she had to sit by B? I feel so bad for her,being so miserable at school and feeling powerless against B/and her brother. That is very sad.



A friend lent me a book called "Stop Picking on Me: A First Look at Bullying" and we read it last night. It says things like "bullies don't always hurt you physically, sometimes they hurt your feelings", then it will ask "do you know anyone like that?". She really opened up and said yes, that's how B makes me feel, yes that what she does, yes that's why I won't eat/ cry myself to sleep/ don't want to go to school etc. So we are slowly breaking down her barriers. She says that she has to sit next to her b/c B tells her to. B has a hold over her and I'm not sure why. I wouldn't be surprised if it has something to do with the brother.

ITA with Beverly, the brother is BIG and anything he said to 5 & 6 yr olds would sound like a threat :nod:

[Nadine]

Agreeing with what Bev and Jen said and thinking about you and Em!
I am so glad you found that book and that she opens up to you.

[DarcyT]

It could be many things. Maybe the grade is just a little tougher for her this year. :) or perhaps another kid has said something to hurt her feelings. I noticed when my oldest two were in the early elementary school years they would get their feelings hurt sometimes and then the next day be friends with a total other kid. :dunno: I would communicate with the teacher more and ask her to watch her interaction with the other children in class. I remember when mine were in school those first few years that kids would be brutal to one another. They would pick a new friend every other week and just toss someone else aside in the class if they didn't want to play with them anymore. It's wrong, but there isn't much we can do as parents. :(

[Stacy]

I just read this whole thread. I am so sorry that Em has been put through this.

The school really needs to pull in the mother, brother and B. This situation CAN NOT go on.

I hope things had improved since you last posted about this.

[Brandi]

Man - how did I miss this thread? How are things going? I just read the entire thread and I am apalled at what is happening! Please let us know how things are going! How is Em doing? There was a show on tv not long ago about a group of girls (not much older, maybe 8) that sounds very similar to this. Well, not exactly, but there were a couple of ring leaders. The moms all started talking and I think it was a good thing. I don't know how much you've talked with the other moms, but I bet that they would like to know what is going on too. If I were you, I would ask for her to be taken out of that class and put into a different class if that's possible. Also, if they aren't doing much about this, I would pull her out of school if you can and home school. But, things might be looking up for you. I just think that bullying can be a terrifying thing for kids. WHile you don't want to teach them to run away from their problems, you also don't want to keep pushing them towards more problems. Geesh - this stinks. I'd be in that principal's office daily wanting to know what is going on to help your daughter.

[Clare]

Sorry that I never got back to update this thread.

Things are very much improved, thank goodness :) The other girl was spoken to and told that she couldn't "posess" people. The brother was also spoken to and told not to threaten the smaller kids. I'm not sure if the mother was spoken to, but she ignores me these days so I'm assuming that she was. Emily is back to her happy school-loving self :) The teacher keeps the other child away from her in the classroom and Emily has learnt to stay away from her on the playground. They've introduced a "big buddy" system where they've matched a 6 or 7th grader with each 1st grader. Emily spends most of her break times following her big buddy around so at least she now has someone to look out for her on the playground.

The only thing I'm not happy about is that Emily now "hates" the other girl. I've found notes she's written to her friends saying how this girl "stinks" and is mean and such :( And when I ask about her day she's always quick to tell me about something undesirable that B has done that day. I've talked to her and tried to reinforce that we don't have to be friends with everyone but we are friendly towards everyone. I'm hoping that it will blow over soon and she can be civil towards B.

The principal has refused to admit that it's bullying. He says that B just doesn't know how to make friends that's all :rolleyes: And that the brother was telling the 1st graders that they had to be his sister's friends but not in a threatening way :rolleyes: Whatever, I know that's just :bs: Intimidation is bullying IMO, no matter what he says.

[Bev]

Totally agree with your last statement! :nod: The principal is an unenlightened idiot.

Glad things are improving for Emily. :)