If your child gets into major trouble before dinner, would you send them to bed for the night without dinner? Or do you seperate the punishment and the meal?

I want to go read up on this sort of thing, but I wanted to post the question here, as this just happened in our house.

My kids are H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E at cleaning up their toys without a major battle. It's our #1 ongoing unsolved issue, and we have tried many, many things to overcome this and still haven't found the magic one. A short while ago, I told Aidan to go clean the minimally messy toy room that he cluttered earlier while I made him dinner. He said he wanted to eat first, but I told him I needed to make it and he needed to clean first. He went down, I went and checked w/in a minute - he's screwing around. I told him he needed to get going, that I'd be back in a minute. I followed through, he did not. Third time down, I gave him 2 minutes when dinner was ready, he was not cleaning up. I told him to go to bed. He started crying. No backbone me said, fine - one more chance. Clean up and I'll come back in 2 minutes if you're not up already. Well, 2 minutes goes by and I go back. Sure enough, he's playing again. He starts crying, I'll start now, I'll clean. I said that he'd had enough chances and he had to go to bed. He's still whining upstairs, albeit in PJs in his room...so at least he listened to something I said. :awink:

Anyway...that was a long story. Probably just a vent. :lol: I'm just curious if you think it's too much to send a 4 1/2 year old to his room w/out dinner.

Honestly, I don't think it's too much. He's not going to starve. We've threatened Emma with it, and it happens fairly frequently when we battle over her eating what we put in front of her, anyway.

The only other punishment I might try is to just take away the toys that he doesn't put away. Any toys that are left out are subject to being taken away, and they can't get them back for a day or so. That way, the punishment fits the crime, kwim?

It makes me cringe, but that's because I have a hang up with food and punishment...

The only other punishment I might try is to just take away the toys that he doesn't put away. Any toys that are left out are subject to being taken away, and they can't get them back for a day or so. That way, the punishment fits the crime, kwim?We've tried it. Imagination boy doesn't seem phased. Good and bad, I guess. That said, we have only kept the toys away for 1-2 days. He might feel worse about it if we keep them away longer, which is the plan. In fact, we just bought a new Rubbermaid thing just for this reason.

I probably would have taken the toys away too. I've done that a lot so it would be my first instinct. I would only think to use the "to bed without dinner" punishment if they did something during the meal, like throw food on the floor or refuse to eat.

But I don't think it's bad to have sent him to bed without eating. Sometimes you just know it's better to put an end to the day, instead of prolonging the battles. I have sent Aubrey off for a nap without lunch. She was being awful so I told her to go up to her room until she could behave. I knew she'd fall asleep and she did.

And I always give my kids another chance too. ;)

We do what Stefanie suggested. We take the toys away for a set period of time if Alex won't pick them up. It works really well.

In my opinion, sending a child to bed without dinner is not a good idea. I work with cases involving child abuse. This type of punishment, while not abuse, is highly frowned upon by the courts in my area.

Additionally, Jenn, makes another point. I would hate for a child to equate food with being good and no food with being naughty/bad/not minding.

Good luck finding that magic currency to solve the problem!

I have done it. I hate to think that my child is in bed hungry..but hey my mom did it to me and she only had to do it once. Like gulp! (sorry your name escapes me right now)stated above they aren't going to go hungry.

To be completely honest, I don't think food, or the taking away of food should EVER be a punishment. There are just so many eating disorders (overeating, undereating) that this could be a trigger for one. If your child believes that their next meal may be taken away, they may learn to hoard food. I don't think this should ever happen.

I would say though that you can tell them, "you cannot come to the dinner table until the toys are put away" and then you and the rest of the family sit down and start to eat, but don't let the offending child sit to eat until those toys are put away.

Punishments should fit the crime. If the toys aren't put away, then away they go.

To be completely honest, I don't think food, or the taking away of food should EVER be a punishment. There are just so many eating disorders (overeating, undereating) that this could be a trigger for one. If your child believes that their next meal may be taken away, they may learn to hoard food. I don't think this should ever happen.

I agree with Melissa.

Thanks. I know it might sound weird since I posted the question, but I totally stand by what I did. I guess mostly because I know my child and the situation. I wouldn't do this with 3 year old Colin, but I know what will and won't work with Aidan and how his little mind and memory work, and I feel like I had to give this a shot. I wouldn't at all make this a normal practice either. But he's got to find out that I'm not just BSing him - I am serious and he needs to listen and take responsibility the first (or heck, second or third) time I ask him to do something.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback. It's always nice to hear how different people would react to the same situation. :nod:

You know, I wanted to add something that *might* shed a tiny bit different light on this. Joe was at work, Colin wasn't feeling well and I ate earlier...so we were not sitting down for dinner as a family. I see that as different thing - removing him from family time. Anyway, I am not saying it will or should change anyone's opinion. But I did want to add that. :)

Personally, I could never do it. I would have to feed him dinner no matter what. Food isn't a privelage, it's a necessity that shouldn't be taken away.

I have sent Aiden to bed with out dinner before, he was doing a similar thing your Aidan was doing although mine was stuffing around getting to the dinner table, I warned him multiple times and then told him that if I did not see him at the table eatinig his dinner in 2 minutes he would be going to bed with out it, and I stuck to that, he went to bed with out dinner, he cried for a while and threw a few toys around his room then went to sleep, he woke up and ate a huge breakfast and I can tell you it was the LAST time he ever stuffed around getting to the dinner table.

I do not feel bad for doing it, I gave him ample warning and I was sick of hitting my head against the wall I wanted to show him that he couldn't win. And it seemed to work for me.

ETA: I believe a child should never win, and if you have tried multiple punishments that did not work, then you need to do what you need to do. They can't have one up on you. I am remembering a dr phil episode where a little girl would hold her breathe until she went blue and her mother was terrified of not giving her what she wanted or letting her do what she wanted because she didn't want to see here pass out, he recommended to walk away and let her pass out, once she see's its not effectin the parent she will stop doing it. I don't think 1 night of no dinner is child abuse in anyway, its a matter of not letting the child win so they can learn to respect your requests the next time.

Alyssa, the additional circumstances don't change my mind. :) But I do think removing a child from family time is an okay punishment.

I think it is risky behavior to withhold food from a child -- both from a legal standpoint and from a health (both physical and emotional) standpoint.

I haven't done it and doubt I'll ever use it as a punishment.

I think it is risky behavior to withhold food from a child -- both from a legal standpoint and from a health (both physical and emotional) standpoint.I don't *think* you're accusing me of anything :awink: and believe me, if I (or anyone) made a regular practice of this, I would 100% agree with you. I guess the way I look at it is I'm trying to show my son that when I tell him something, I am serious and he needs to listen. I've been trying and trying and nothing has been sinking in that little head. At 4 1/2, I felt like he would remember this in a way like - I (meaning he) wanted something (he specifically requested mac & cheese) and I happily agreed but told him he needed to hold up his end of the bargain. I gave him 4 chances (probably shouldn't have even given him that many) and he flat out ignore me. So I saw this as suitable punishment.

Anyway, like I said I'm totally comfortable with tonight's decision...because that is what it is...tonight's decision. Not an ongoing practice, not something I plan to repeat.

(Hey, most night he refuses dinner anyway and this would never even work as a punishment. :awink: That's a whole 'nother problem. :lol: )

Nope, I'm not accusing you of anything!!! :) You sought opinions and goodness gracious am I good at giving them. :lol:

I just think it is risky. And I get paid to analyze such behavior and advise to avoid any and all of it.

I have seen parents who spanked way too hard one time and left a mark. Honestly, pretty good people who just made a HORRIBLE choice in punishment due to the stress of life and the misbehaving child. Not excusable behavior but somewhat understandable. (I'm talking about a specific fact pattern not child abuse in general.) Then CFS gets involved and the kids get taken into custody. They then go to court, testimony is taken about how one of your methods of punishment is taking away dinner. BAMM, the judge who might have been able to see the episode as isolated now sees you in a whole different light -- and not a good one.

This is overanalyzation of the original question. This won't happen to 90% of the population but it does happen. And since this is what my world is like when I work, I tend to be extremely cautious in this area. :)

But to be perfectly clear, do I believe what you did was abusive? No!

But to be perfectly clear, do I believe what you did was abusive? No!Thanks for making that clear. *I* don't think so at all, but I also don't want to hear that someone else thinks so. Heck, I sat down and calmly explained the whole situation to him...twice. And we'll talk about it again in the morning.

I wouldn't do it..but maybe one time will be all it takes!!

If you were doing it all the time, I think I would have a problem with it, but not if you only do it once in a great while. He's not going to starve. I think I would have just said that he could eat until the toys were picked up. Once they were, he could come eat cold dinner. And if it was time to go on to the next thing, like bath, I would not let him eat. I would say, "Sorry you should have picked up when I told you. Now it's time for bath. You'll just have to be quicker next time so you can eat". The whole schedule of the family shouldn't stop because he didn't want to pick up.

If your child gets into major trouble before dinner, would you send them to bed for the night without dinner? Or do you seperate the punishment and the meal?



Its not right to deprive a child of their basic needs (shelter, food, sleep). Use something associated with the toys as a form of punishment - but please, dont deprive a child of their basic needs.

I will delay lunch/snacktime until the toys are put away with the daycare kids and Kaitlyn, but I would never completely withold a meal. I learned to start my clean up time 30min earlier too, so that they would be eating lunch on time. Kwim?

Separate the punishment from any of the basic needs.

I see from another thread that you may have found a solution? :crossfing

I would separate the punishment and the meal. I may not allow him to eat with the family, but I wouldnt withhold the meal.

Now, i do disagree w/ Chantal. but I would never completely withold a meal Because if my children were doing something like throwing their food, you bet your ass they would be pulled from the table and mealtime would end. Period.

I see from another thread that you may have found a solution? :crossfingI don't know if it's a solution, but it's a continuation of the problem that resulted in this thread. :awink:

And again to be clear, this isn't a regular practice. It was a one time thing to try to teach a lesson. Clearly, like many lessons I try to teach my headstrong children, this approach failed too. :rolleyes:

Now, i do disagree w/ Chantal. Because if my children were doing something like throwing their food, you bet your ass they would be pulled from the table and mealtime would end. Period.

ITA.

I don't use food as a punishment, but I wouldn't put up with something like Karri said either. :nono:

After reading this thread I understand those who have said food should play no role in the punishment. I understand that and agree with it in principle. Someone also suggested that perhaps a better tactic would have been to say, "Your dinner is ready, but you can't come eat it until you've cleaned up your toys." If he then chose not to clean up his toys at all, what then? Give in and say, OK, come eat, or eventually put him to bed at his regular time without having eaten?

I guess if that had been the outcome I don't see it as much different. Although it could have had less impact than what Alyssa did do. He would have seen it as his choice to not eat, and perhaps might not have learned his lesson.

Susan, what I would do is take the child by the hand and give him/her each toy to put away until the child either decided to put them away, or all the toys were put away. I have done this a number of times with Katie.

Because if my children were doing something like throwing their food, you bet your ass they would be pulled from the table and mealtime would end. Period.

I won't withhold food as punishment but if appropriate behavior isn't shown (with Alex, I mean tantrums, banging silverware, throwing anything) at the dinner table, I will remove my child to time out. The food stays on the table. If he leaves the table and won't sit down, the plate is removed and set on the counter until he does sit down. And if either one just flat out refuses to eat, then that is their choice and they will go to bed without dinner. There have been times that Dylan has been acting out too and she will eat in the dining room. If she is grounded, she eats with the family which she sees as punishment. :lol: