Parents of teens... help!! Im going nuts!

[Sherry]

:woa:Parents of teens... HELP.... Chris is our 18 yr old son, who lives with us, and is still in high school, and he is not working etc...Janet is his Aunt he has not seen in about 4 years and she has had 2 more kids since she saw him last. The frustration is that he would beg us to call her and make her fly her 6 family members in for New years , and then after we make the calls, he tells us he is not going to even be here to do it.. and then calls Janet enought to get her to pay for 2 tickets for him and his sister to fly to DC to come see her instead...and we didnt even know she sent them tickets till he called us at home wanting us to come get him so he could get the truck so he can go out with some friends.. ( this is at 11:30 at night! ) We are in bed...
The problem is not that she sent him the tickets etc.. its just the frustrating part of a son who wants and expects to be treated like and adult, and wants everyone to do everything he says, and bend over backwards for it, and stop what they are doing, then, acts like its no big deal when he doenst do it, or changes his mind etc...

And the other person Julianna is his 16 yr old sister, but she lives with her mom.. but she was supposed to go too and her excuse was, she didnt have the right "clothes" GRRR~


Guess What.. Chris called us at about 9:30 last night and it went like this:

C- hey dad

DH- yes?

C- I'm here

DH- GREAT... how is TT Janet etc....

C- No dad, I am at a party

DH- huh?

C- We are in indy still

DH- Thought you were supposed to be at Janets?

C- Yeah, but I wanted to go to this party instead

DH- You mean you did not go to Janets, after she sent you both round trip tickets, for a party?

C- Yeah....so... I am 18

DH- Was Janet fine with this?

C- Havent called her

DH- WHAT???? you were supposed to be there this morning!

C- I will call her in a minute dad, Hey, I am coming home tonight ok

DH- Um , yeah....
C- Ok... by dad

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? WHAT GREAT RAISING HUH? HOW FREAKING IRRESPONSIBLE.. AND HE WANTS US TO TREAT HIM LIKE AN ADULT? HELL NO!!! I MEAN HE WHINED AND WHINED FOR US TO CALL JANET AND FAMILY FOR THEM TO COME FLY HERE FOR A "PARTY" ON NEW YEARS THAT THEY COULD NOT MAKE ( AND CHRIS WASNT EVEN GONNA BE THERE ) AND SO SHE SENDS THEM TICKETS TO COME SEE HER AS THEY WERE BEGGING HER, AND SHE DID! AND THEN THE DAY OF THE FLIGHT, HE DECIDES TO GO TO A PARTY INSTEAD? AND DOESNT CALL HER? FOR OVER 10 HOURS PAST THEIR ARRIVAL TIME? SHE HAS 4 KIDS! SHE HAS A JOB! SHE TOOK TIME OUT TO DO THIS AND GET ALL READY FOR THEM ETC.... we called Janet and she said that Chris just called her ( after we got done ) and she was so hurt and upset that the kids were all excited and so was her and her dh and she went shopping, took off work etc... and had NO idea that they were not coming! HOW TERRIBLE!!!

Another thing... we took our truck to my parents this past weekend and let me tell you , that it was dirty, stained ( the inside ) ashes were everywhere, there was a bowl, spoon , and cookie jar, and in the cookie jar were remenents of pot!!! and the drivers seat back has a burn hole in it... needless to say.. the Truck is NO LONGER gonig to be used by Chris... He doesnt know yet, but DH took the keys etc.... just WAIT till the $h!T hits the fan tonight!!!.....We told him the last time we smelled it, and warned him... well, he ovioulsy does not care and there is no way he is gonna be using the Expedition anymore, especially when we are still paying on it, its our family car, and Chris only has coverage for any other vehicle he hits not full coverage....


How do you deal with this.!!!

[MelissaM]

Well I don;t know anything about this situation, and to be honest I still can't figure out who Joyce is but...

This man is 18 years old. He can be responsible for himself...he screws up? Then he suffers the logical consequences...

a) If he didn't go to Joyce's then that is between him and Joyce. I would ASSUME that Joyce will never buy another ticket for him again until he proves that he can be trusted :dunno: Quite honestly, as an adult, it is HIS business what he does with his time..if he ended up hurting someone then it becomes HIS responisbility to make up for that, in whatever way he deems fit.

b) No longer allowing him to drive your car seems the most reasonable and logical option. If he has proven himself to not be responsible then he can't have the car. It's up to HIM now to show that he can indeed be trusted.

I would deal with it very honestly, sit and talk to him about how much he hurt Joyce and how you will not run interference for him with her again. If he says he is 18 and can make his own choices then he should also be prepared to accept responsibility for the results of those choices.

[Sherry]

Well I don;t know anything about this situation, and to be honest I still can't figure out who Joyce is but...

I appreciate your honesty ...

Janet is His Aunt in Wash Dc and while Chris is 18, he is still in High School, and has no job etc...and I do think its between him and his aunt Janet, its still highly irresponsible etc..... But these are the things I guess you learn as you get older right? It's just so frustrating that he would beg us to call her and make her fly her 6 family members in for New years , and then after we make the calls, he tells us he is not going to even be here to do it.. and then calls Janet enought to get her to pay for 2 tickets for him and his sister to fly to DC.. and no call...

We didnt even know she sent them tickets till he called us at home wanting us to come get him so he could get the truck so he can go out with some friends.. ( this is at 11:30 at night! ) We are in bed..


( I am going to add this to my first post, hopefully it will clear things up more. sorry )

[MelissaM]

:lol: Oh don't get me wrong...it is HIGHLY irresponsible! I would have been flipping angry about it...but in all reality, there is only so much that you can do to a kid this age....he has to deal with the consequences himself...and this would INCLUDE at some point facing his Aunt Joyce - WITHOUT your facilitation.

[MelissaM]

Don't ask me why I continue to call this woman "Joyce" :lol: Sorry about that....JANET. JANET.JANET...

[Sherry]

Don't ask me why I continue to call this woman "Joyce" :lol: Sorry about that....JANET. JANET.JANET...

:lol: its ok.. I know what you mean....and we did have him call her and explain....but its still wrong.... ( oh and I posted a bit more in the first post ) :heee:

Also, his sister Julianna is 16 yr old, and lives with her mom.. but she was supposed to go too and her excuse was, she didnt have the right "clothes" GRRR~

[Jayne]

I think this is so irresponsible. I would kill my child if he or she did this. I know I don't have a teen just yet but honestly I think Chris needs to live up to this. He should no longer be allowed to take the truck. He needs to Earn his rights back. I don't think I would make any phone calls for him. He wants to be an adult then he needs to act like one. While he is still in highschool, he is an adult. I was 18 my senior year and while I lived under my parents roof I was expected to follow their rules or I could find myself another place to stay. This meant I followed their curfew, their rules and I respected them or I found myself a new place to live. Honestly I would say that since he has 5 more months of school that he either lives by your rules or as an adult he gets a job and finds a new home. Tuff love is sometimes the only way.

Jayne

[MelissaM]

Sherry, what kind of kid is he in general? Is he doing ok in school? Is he generally a "Good" kid or is he in trouble all the time?

I can't see that kicking him out of the house is a good idea (sorry Jayne!). It just seems to me that he has had alot of stuff DONE for him on his behalf in the past and perhaps it is now time for you guys to let that go and allow him to make his own mistakes and then live with the consequences.

[Jayne]

I do't think kicking him out is a great idea either. But if he thought it was going to happen he might live by the rules of the house. I don't think my parents would have put me out on the street. However had I not lived by their rules I would have had to Earn the right to live there..IE get a job, pay rent, Take on choores to earn my keep.

[MelissaM]

Oh I agree :nod: That's why I am wondering what kid of kid he is in general :)

[tuesdayswife]

I'm not a parent of any children (yet) but my only answer would be: :banghead:

[Sherry]

Sherry, what kind of kid is he in general? Is he doing ok in school? Is he generally a "Good" kid or is he in trouble all the time?

I can't see that kicking him out of the house is a good idea (sorry Jayne!). It just seems to me that he has had alot of stuff DONE for him on his behalf in the past and perhaps it is now time for you guys to let that go and allow him to make his own mistakes and then live with the consequences.

Chris used to live with his mom, and she kicked him out due to she did not like his girl-friends ethnicity...( another story ) so he has been living with us this year. At his mom's he goes and does what he wants and uses the whole " I am an adult thing" for her. But at our house, we have a curfew, rules etc.. That was the condition to him living with us... We told him flat out, even if you are 35 we still have rules and you have to abide by them in our house....( This all happend the week he went to his moms....) and Chris has NOT ONCE not followed our rules, but this ONE time with the truck.. We told him he is not allowed to have anyone in the vehicle that is smoking ..ANYTHING.. cigaretts or anything.. it is OUR vechicle and our use comes first. He comes home at curfew and our curfew is 11:00 on weeknights and 12:30 on weekends...and he does it, but this just blew us away!!!

( on a side note, we still pay CS for him to his mother, ( still trying to get that reversed) so while we do have a 3rd vehicle for him to use, its just a small 4 door contour, and he is 6'2 so we were NICE and let him drive the expedition , and DH takes the contour... which is fully paid for, but a piece of crap.. and once the CS is changed we will purchase a GOOD vehicle for him and trade the contour in etc... but until then we are paying like Double for him ( to her and then the expense of him at our house ) and we simply cannot afford it...

[MelissaM]

Ok...so basically you have a great kid who made a few boob moves...am I getting that right?

Don't let him have the big vehicle any longer and after his apology to his Aunt, I wouldn't really do much more :dunno: If he is as good a kid as he seems he probably feels bad enough about it as it is...and he'll make it up to her I am sure :)

[Jayne]

Yep. I am with Melissa. If he is a good kid then I would make sure he made things up with his Aunt and take his right away to drive the Truck and leave it at that. Let him earn the right to use the truck again at some point. :dunno:

Jayne

[Sherry]

Well... he is good...with us
... with other people and his mom etc. he is disrespectfull, sneaking out , lying etc.

We just dont let him step on us...

Ok... I'm done venting now:o)

[MelissaM]

Well... he is good...with us
... with other people and his mom etc. he is disrespectfull, sneaking out , lying etc.

We just dont let him step on us...

Ok... I'm done venting now:o)

Right...and that should stay between him and his Mother. :) As long as he is fine with you, then I wouldn't worry about it...his MOTHER needs to take control of him if she is having trouble with him...you already worked that one out :)

[Sherry]

:nod:

He called us the other night wanting us to come get him. We asked why, he said because mom wont let me go out.. we told him " well, you mom just wants to spend time with you.. Stay there tonight and if tomorrow you still want us to come get you , we will" we were not about to step on her toes and we do back her up as much as allowed...Gotta do that.. and we expect the same. :o)

[MelissaM]

:nod: You really sound like you have it together Sherry...he's lucky to have you!

[Sherry]

Thanks!

[Rifka]

Sherry ... I have worked with teens for about ten years no in many different settings... I think he needs to understand that he is a member of your family and that comes with certain expetations... one of which is to tell you where he is and where is is going etc, also to be respectful... etc.. any of the rules you guys make he needs to understand that those go along with all the good things he gets for being in your family. SOmetimes I think we all forget that it is OK to set expectations and 'demand' that as a family.. we live up to them. Remember you are not asking anything unreasonable of him.. and keep strong... it sounds like you guys are doing a greta job. Good Luck
Rebecca

[Sherry]

Ok well... we had the "talk" Late last night and let me just say, it was Quite interesting....Here is the very short version of our 3 hour long conversation

We told him he had to drive the contour for 1 week and then we would allow the truck back to him..... but it just got worse from there with him telling us he is a adult and does not have to follow our rules etc.. and we cant make him drive the car etc..even as far as him telling us we have to sign a contract that tells him our punishment so we are held to it ( WTF? ) - we refused to of course...

Basically it came to telling him yes, we cannot make you do anything, but we can take away from you what is OURS.. you have no leverage here. You do not pay for anything here and you cannot tell us what to do with OUR things... so, we will be taking the truck away from you regardless, its your choice to drive the contour we are offering or not.. you can walk, find a ride, or use the car.. or we can take that away too....

[MelissaM]

He's got some balls doesn't he? :lol: you have to give him credit for trying I suppose...

Your response was PERFECT! And you know what drives them MAD at that age? Logic...cool headedness and calm logic...and standing your ground in a situation that you KNOW is right. Honestly...he sort of reminds me of my ex-husband...that sounds like something he would try to pull...and the calm firmness that I started responding to him with always blew him out of the water :lol:

[Sherry]

Thanks

[DarcyT]

Sherry ... I have worked with teens for about ten years no in many different settings... I think he needs to understand that he is a member of your family and that comes with certain expetations... one of which is to tell you where he is and where is is going etc, also to be respectful... etc.. any of the rules you guys make he needs to understand that those go along with all the good things he gets for being in your family. SOmetimes I think we all forget that it is OK to set expectations and 'demand' that as a family.. we live up to them. Remember you are not asking anything unreasonable of him.. and keep strong... it sounds like you guys are doing a greta job. Good Luck
RebeccaI totally agree with you. :heee:

[Jayne]

Great Job Sherry! I am really shocked. I couldn't imagine talking to my parents that way as a TEEN! Like Melissa said..I give him credit..he's got Balls! :lol:

What you did is fantastic and I also agree with Melissa. Logic really gets to them and he has no ground to stand on!

Jayne