I'm having a hard time with all the disappointment lately with TTC. :mope: I know there are a lot of women here who have dealt with (and are still dealing with) not getting pg.

Here's my situation -
- I'm 38yo (DH is 49)
- We've been TTC since May 2005 (this is our 5th cycle that's ending now)
- my cycles have been VERY long since June 2005 (38-47 days)
- I got pg in Sept 2005 and had an early m/c in October (5w5d)....my 3rd
- we have a son, Alex, born 10/30/03 (2y2m old)
- I was charting for the first 4 cycles....but have stopped since my m/c

On the one hand, I feel truly pathetic feeling so down about it all, when we've only been trying for 5 cycles (and we even got pg in there!)! There are women here who have been TTC for 2+ years!! There are lots of women here who have been TTC for close to a year!! What gives me the right to feel bad about my own situation when things could easily be much different?

Then again.....I can't help myself. :( When I find out about someone else getting a BFP, I feel jealous and low. I'm truly happy for them....I just wish it were me too. I feel left out. I cry in the car on the drive to work. I want to cry when I see pg women walk into my work. I feel like it will never happen.

How do I get over this and just move on? How do I distract my brain enough to forget that we're TTC and just relax? I hate having such a whiny post in here....I just need a little help right now. I can't talk to anyone around me here (DH, my best friend, my mom) because they all think I'm obsessing with this too much as it is (except for DH....he just doesn't know what to do about it). I don't want to give the people around me fuel to criticize.

In the deepest part of me, I KNOW that Alex will not be an only child..... It's the waiting game that's killing me. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern, waiting for that second child to be on their way. Does that make sense?

Anyhoo.....thanks for any words of wisdom anyone can offer.... :hug99: I also want to add that for my friends (and friends to be) here that are currently pg.....I am so truly ecstatic for you and I love following things in your journals and pg groups. Please don't feel like by posting this, any of my previous well-wishes have been fake. :hug99: Nothing could be farther from the truth.

no wisdom here shannon... just wanted to send you some hugs! :hug99:

:hug99: We all know that none of your well wishes were fake!
I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. Sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom to share. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug99:

Shannon, no advice here, just wanted to come by and give you a hug!:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: I know it'll happen for you! It IS hard to wait, and I don't even know how you do it.......but you are strong, and you have Alex, which is a wonderful blessing....and hopefully, 2006 will bring another baby for you:)

oh Shannon :hug99: I know your pain all too well, after 12 cycles trying to get pregnant with Aiden, the pain started after the first few months.

Do not for one minute feel bad for having these feelings when others have been trying longer, because your feelings are valid and are not any less important than those who have been trying longer.

Unfortunately for me nothing stopped the pain except getting a bfp, so I also can not give you words of wisdom to how to make the thoughts and pain go away, the only thing that eased it slightly was to feel like I was being as pro-active as possible, with temping, charting, bding constantly and speaking to dr's, ob/gyn's and eventually clomid, it was doing those things that made me feel like I wasn't just taking it lying down.

I had my bad days and I had my worse days but taking it one day at a time and going to UB to vent was enough to get me by till I got pregnant with Aiden.

I hope that you get your bfp soon so this pain can end for you :hug99: we are all here for you anytime you want to let it out!

I can feel your pain, Shannon! :bighug: It took me almost a year to get pg with Ellie and it's SO hard to wait. The thing that got me through was just resting in God and knowing that He does have a plan for my life and I have to accept that. He sees the bigger picture and had a reason for making me wait. It really taught me to lean on Him and not myself.

I know you're not religious, so that probably doesn't comfort you much, but know that what you're feeling is valid and no one has the right to say it isn't. I'll be praying for you, ok? :hug99:

Oh Shannon! I'm sorry you're feeling so down about TTCing. It IS hard to be TTCing and not have things happen as quickly as you'd like. I think how you're feeling is totally normal. We put our lives on hold for 2 years trying for Nathaniel. We were more aggressive the 2nd time around (in terms of getting treatment) but it still was about 6 months from when we started. Like you, I felt incredibly jealous every time someone had an "oops." It's not that I wasn't happy for them, I just wanted that for myself. I never found a great solution (except to go to my RE and get treatment!) so I don't have any great advice. And please don't apologize for feeling this way!

Amanda

Then again.....I can't help myself. :( When I find out about someone else getting a BFP, I feel jealous and low. I'm truly happy for them....I just wish it were me too. I feel left out. I cry in the car on the drive to work. I want to cry when I see pg women walk into my work. I feel like it will never happen.

I know exactly how you feel Shannon, and it sucks. I am happy for those that get BFPs, but I am overcome with jealousy and sadness that it's not me. And then I feel horribly guilty. There are women that have been trying for years to have even ONE child and I shouldn't complain. But emotions (hormones) get the best of you when you're holding on to hope that maybe *this* is the month.

If you trully know that Alex won't be an only, then hang on to that hope. Don't ever feel like you're obsessing about stuff like this because I think it's helpful to get the feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, etc off your chest.

Know that there are lots of others in your boat (me, me, me!) that are dealing with it too. If I had a magic solution I'd pass it on.

:hug99:

TTC is such an emotional roller coaster. I never realized how much it can consume your life until I went through it myself. The one thing that helped me was working with my doctor. I felt like I was being proactive and taking control of my situation. Have you talked with your doc at all?

Do not for one minute feel bad for having these feelings when others have been trying longer, because your feelings are valid and are not any less important than those who have been trying longer.

:nod: That is so very true :hug99: I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, Shannon. I remember the all-consuming feeling and how it sucked. :hug99:

Like others have mentioned, the only thing that remotely helped me was charting and then taking all that evidence into my doctor and being proactive about everything. I had to feel like I was doing something, because my body wasnt cooperating and I could tell from my charts that something wasnt right.

Hey Shannon, you KNOW I know what you are feeling. The two weeks before I would O were the worst for me. The 2ww wasn't bad at all, b/c I was so optimistic. For me , it was so frustrating and worrysome b/c it was something I really didn't have any control over.

Your situation is so similar to mine that I know you will get pregnant again and carry to term. I am so looking forward to that day and will be cheering like a maniac for you. I am thinking of you and pulling for you 100%.

Shannon I have been in your shoes for over 2 years. I know how you are feeling and it sucks. I asked the same questions to everyone and anyone who would listen..even God. I don't know if you are a woman of faith. I believe in God but never really based my life around God and the Chruch. KWIM? Anyway. I always asked God why is so and so pg and not me? What is wrong with me? As you know I took a 4 month break from TTC and did some soul searching. When everyone says to be patient that it will happen... it's true. I had been told to hand it over to God and let him handle it. I was like what are you crazy??? How is he going to help me? Then on Christmas day I received a wonderful message. I found out reasons why I wasn't getting pg. I truly believe that you have to let go of all your fears, jealousy and everything else. I know it's hard but you have to let God take you down the path He chooses. You will get pregnant. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear and I hope that it helps you. Like I said I know exactly how you are feeling. I hope I haven't offended you in anyway or made you feel like your feelings aren't real or valid. They are..but this is something that is out of your control. You can :sex: and chart but that is about it. Do those things and let God take over. It will all work out. :hug99:

Thanks so much everyone for all your words of wisdom and experience and love. :hug99: Most of you that posted were exactly who I was thinking of when I decided to post this and I was hoping that you would be able to share with me.

I do believe in God and I consider myself spiritual....just not in a church-going kind of way. :) I want to have faith....but I have a hard time letting go of control. I'm really working hard on that one right now. I have a good friend who is VERY in touch with the spirit side and she has told me that I need to let go and let it happen....even to the point of not charting anymore! So....I'm giving that a try right now.
I'm confident that my solution won't need the use of Clomid or anything like that...and I'm very reluctant to go down that path anyway (can you say quints? :errr: ), so it's just a waiting game.

Another thing that's complicating things for me right now is timing. The cycle that's ending now would have been a September baby. So....depending on when AF arrives (sometime in the next week...today is CD37!), I could potentially have a baby born on Alex's birthday. :( Then....the next cycle after that is looking at mid-December! Too close to Xmas..... I'm tempted to just let the next 2 cycles pass....but then again how could I? If the next child wants to be born then, I need to just go with the flow! It's just so petty.....I don't want my kids all bunched up together with the holidays. :tantrum: But that's just what I might get......
How absurd is this - if we have a child who is deformed, blind, deaf, Down's....fair enough! No biggie!! We can handle it....we get what we get. :) But....don't give me a holiday baby!! That would be the worst thing ever!! :rolleyes: I don't even make sense....

Knowing that I'm not alone in this is a comfort and I'm so grateful that I have this forum to come and vent like this so the people I see every day (who aren't as interested in this stuff as I am....I have many kidless-by-choice friends) don't have to be subjected to it. :lol: Thanks again for your hugs, prayers, and advice....... :hug99:

Shannon I am always here if you want to talk. :hug99:

Been there, done that, still feeling a lot of the same things. :hug99: First off, as one of those TTC for 2+ years, don't ever feel your feelings aren't valid because it's "only been 5 months." You've experienced a pain I hope to NEVER feel.

As for the rest, for me, I've found an inner peace with the whole situation. Of course I still have my moments/days when I just need to cry and think "why me", but for the most part, I'm at peace with waiting for it to happen. Part of that is that I used to think "what if it never happens" and while I still ahve those moments, I've tried to find the silver lining in it all. I have a wonderful daughter, and while I'd love for her to be a big sister, she brings me so much joy, I could be content with just her. I don't want to, and I don't want for her to not know the joys of having a sibling, but I *could* if I had to. But the other thing is that I just KNOW, in my heart, I WILL have another baby someday.

It took a lot of soul searching, and a LOT of faith for me to let go of the anger and bitterness. I've looked back and realized that God has a plan for me and it's different than the plan I have for myself. When I mad the consious effort to leave it in God's hands, I felt SUCH a huge burden lifted. I know that sounds cliche' but that's what helped ME! I realize that won't work for everyone, the faith needs to be there, but it really helped me a lot.

I alos look back on what my life was like when Gabrielle turned 2 and I THANK GOD that I didn't have an infant to deal with on top of her tantrums. She is now to the point where she'd be a help and love a baby. She can entertain herself quite easily and she's not so needy anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still foresee some jealousy issues, but I think at 3 1/2-4 she'll do so much better with a new baby than she would have a year ago.

Everyone needs to find peace within herself, and some never do. But that's what helped me, along with being able to talk to other going through simialr experiences here.

I hope you get :bfp: very soon and this is no long an issue. But if not, there are plenty of us who, unfortunately, are experiencing similar feelings :hug99:

I'm confident that my solution won't need the use of Clomid or anything like that...and I'm very reluctant to go down that path anyway (can you say quints? :errr: )

not that I think you'd need clomid, but the risks are NOT that high :lol: Your chance for twins is less than 10% (8:100) and triplets is .5:100 and quads .3:100 so quints are even less. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it's not that high a risk.

The use of the fertility drug clomid increases your chance of having twins to 8 per 100, triplets to approximately 0.5 per 100, and quadruplets to 0.3 per 100.

quoted from WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/content/article/4/1680_51831)

First of all :slap: for keeping this bottled up (you know I love you and am always here for you). You have valid reasons for your pain and you should never feel that it's wrong just because you haven't tried longer than someone else or having undergone more pain. :noqueno:

Control. Hmm, this is a tough one. I went through IF with Aiden, and even after getting the "all clear" I still ended up on the longer end of TTC after my lap - told "in as little as 6 cycles I could be pregnant" only to watch 5 of them fly right past me and AF would come and I'd be devastated.
When the 6th cycle post lap came, I had decided that I was going to focus all my efforts on becoming healthy for this baby. That even though I didn't want fertility medications, I was going to be healthy, so that they would work, and I of course got rid of my crappy job and WHAM! That's when I got pregnant. I also read that book I sent you home with - and though it's a little out there :screwy: I did take advice of most of it and cut out the extra stuff.
Like others have mentioned, while I may not have had control over when I would get pregnant, I took a pro-active stance. I also really got into stress reduction yoga at the time and treated myself to a massage. Just take care of yourself and nurture you. I think that when you find that you do that - instead of being in the quest, you'll be more open and that's when it will happen.

Now - I want badly for Aiden to have a sibling, but it would put me through great pain. I have found some sort of solace in just living in the moment. That maybe someday down the road, when Aiden is in kindergarten, I might have another child - or I might not. It used to bother me tremendously, but it doesn't anymore. I quit focusing on what I didn't have and instead on what I did have. It doesn't mean that I don't feel jealousy or that I don't ever want to have another child, or that my longings disappear - but when I find that I get depressed about it, I allow myself a little bit of sadness, then I work on finding the joy in the now. Like, say I give myself 10 minutes every day to just get it all out, and then I work on being in the now for the rest of the day.
If you believe that Alex won't be an only, then he won't. I truly believe that.

It was hard at first for me to first work on giving up control. However, there was a time in my life when everything I touched went to crap. Everything I worked towards was gone in the blink of an eye. It was then that I decided that perhaps my old way of thinking wasn't working for me. I needed to find something new. And it was scary letting go of the controlling reigns, but that's when things started to click and I was no longer so upset all the time.
I think that if you did a sort of cleansing ritual, where you consciously say to yourself that you will be open to whatever comes and when (regardless of holidays ;) ) that the weight of TTC won't be crushing on you.

And if that isn't suitable - talk with your doctor - or see if you can get ahold of one of those fertility monitors. A lot of women have had a lot of help with those because they not only monitor your ovulation but your estrogen.
Don't be so hard on yourself because you're feeling normal human emotions.
:hug99:

Mandy

I don't have any adivce for you but wanted to drop off a :bighug: . I will be thinking positive thoughts for you and keeping my fingers crossed.