Advice For a Step-mother???

[PrincessAmy]

Omgosh! It is so hard being a step-mother. Their mother hates my guts. I have different rules at my house then at their mothers. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for the girls or their mom. Will I ever be good enough? Will their mom ever give me a chance?
Is anyone in the same situation? :help::banghead::sad:

[Shel]

I'm not the step-mom, but my boys have one. I think part of your ex's problem is that she probably fears you taking her place. Have you ever sat down with her and actually talked about it? The two of you are raising kids together, so you really need to make consessions on rules for the consistency of the kids.

The boys step mom and I have pretty much the same rules and expectations for the boys. We make sure it is like that. Sometimes I have to implement a rule here that I'd rather not, just to keep it consistent (and I know it's the same way for her)

It's almost like we are married sometimes :lol:

[PrincessAmy]

I wish she would sit down and talk with me. She wants to pretend that I don't exist. I have even stopped going to t-ball games because she is uncomfortable. I also believe that we should all be in this together...raising the children together. She believes that it is between her and my husband and that I need to just "stay out of it". How is this possible. The girls come over and the six year old tells me that her mom doesn't like me. It's killing me. :mope:

[m'honey]

I'm a stepmom too... and it's impossible to co-parent my teenage stepsons with my husband's ex. There is no real possibilty of us sitting down and hashing out a compromise on rules, since one of the reasons DH divorced her was b/c she insisted that he was a bad father, didn't know what he was doing and she constantly contradicted him on everything in front of the boys. She has even told the boys that DH cheated on her with me, even tho we hadn't even met before they filed for divorce. As a result, my stepsons lie to get their way/get out of trouble, have NO respect for authority, listen to violent rap music (with the Parental Advisory labels), play violent video games rated "M" and regularly watch "R" rated movies that are violent and sexually explicit. They now choose not to visit our home b/c we're "boring". Oh, and they're also failing in school, there are no consequences for bad grades either.

All I can say is that it's not easy to have the issues that caused your husband's first marriage to fail thrust upon your marriage. I cannot allow my stepsons to visit our home and do things that my son isn't allowed to do, has never been allowed to do, that's not fair. Or to treat me and their dad and our neighbors with disrespect...

DH and I will be going to counseling to deal with this, I suggest you do the same. Those girls will someday grow up and hopefully realize that they were manipulated, etc. But unless their mom backs off, your stepdaughters' behavior isn't going to be much better anytime soon. Sorry if that's discouraging to you, I just know too many families that are fighting this same battle with little success.

[JustJen]

Amy, it sounds like a difficult situation.
How long has it been?

I know that with my ex's wife(another Amy) it's taken almost 6 years and we are now FINALLY getting along.
We are actually becoming friends.
We've gone to lunch together, shopping, even cohosted birthday parties.
It might just take some time.
Amy's biggest issue with me, was she was afraid I'd want Brad/Tom(He changed his name once we divorced to Tom, crazy I know) back.
It finally took us all sitting at the Chuck E Cheese for Austin's 8th brithday in April to clear it all up.
She was looking uncomfortable.
So I simply said, ok, how bout this...
"Brad (I looked at Brad/Tom) I have absolutely NO intention of EVER getting back together with you. I am in love with my husband. We have a happy divorce."
And he said back. "Same goes for me."
Things have been better ever since.
I realize your situation is very different, but hopefully this gives you some hope that things CAN get better.

You can't make someone like you. I think it's rotten that she talks so poorly of you in front of the kids. That is just immature and hurtful to them and you. But I don't know that YOU can do much in this situation other then respect her feelings and maybe just let her know that you have nothing against her. That when she's ready to figure it out, you are too.

[Sherry]

Same situation here.

Im S-mom to a almost 18yr old boy, and a 16 yr old girl.. fun Fun Fun....They are in highschool, have cars, and cell phones, and we havent seen them since Christmas because they are "too busy" for us.. I know it will pass, but its hard for the litlle ones... They have totally missed out on life and Bianca didnt even reognize them the last time she saw them.. How sad.

[Suzi]

I hope that my story can give some of you a little hope. My "stepdaughter" is now nearing 22 and she's grown into a beautiful young adult...but things weren't so easy. Her dad and I met when she was about 3. He and his then-wife were legally separated and he and I were in a relationship for about 2 years. I broke it off (things weren't progressing with the divorce) and he ended up back with her. Because Shannon was so little at the time, the kind of behavior you are talking about was not an issue.

Six years later we ended up back together again. Divorce papers were filed, it was moving along. Shannon came to spend summers with us (her dad and I lived together) and she spent every other holiday school break with us. She was obnoxious, mouthy, and she pushed her limits with me but I stood my ground and her dad backed me up. Shannon's dad and I agreed that it was mainly HIS job to discipline, not mine. Yes, I kept order in the house as any adult does with any child but he CLEARLY took responsibility for her discipline. He also made it his job to talk to her about how it was okay for her to like me AND her mom and that I loved her and wasn't trying to be her mom. He explained that I was an adult friend and she could come to me with anything and I would help her.

The ex-wife was brutal...she extorted money from us, she ruined clothing we bought Shannon, she tried her doggone hardest to make Shannon's dad and me look bad...there was nothing she didn't try. Lucky for us, Shannon was a little older than your step-kids and not quite as open to manipulation. Shannon's dad and I always took the high road and decided that we would never say a bad word about the mom and let it pay off when Shannon was old enough to understand.

There were days I was ready to pull my hair out...days I didn't want to go home from work...days I worked late just to get out of going home. There were other times I thoroughly enjoyed her. Over time, the days I didn't want to go home became fewer and fewer and the days I enjoyed with Shannon took over. I honestly think it was her age as much as it was anything...I had little if anything in common with Shannon when she was a pre-teen, given I had no kids of my own...that was difficult. Shannon's dad was gone on several TDYs one summer (military business trips) and I was left to be sole parent to her for a week or two at a time. We muddled through and even had a little bit of fun while doing it.

Fast forward another 13 years...Shannon is a beautiful young woman. Even though her dad and I are no longer together, she means the world to me and will ALWAYS be a part of my life...like a daughter. I have my own daughter now (she is nearly 3) and I can honestly say that I love Shannon as much as I love my own daughter - only different. Shannon and I have history...I taught her how to shop, I taught her how to wear make-up, I taught her how to drive, I taught her fashion do's/don'ts, I taught her how to put up with her dad... She is almost 22 years old and she is in the air force, stationed about 3 hours from me. She comes to my house for holidays, she comes to my house when she wants to get away. My house is her home. And I love her. Fifteen years ago I never would've guessed it.

You can work things out with your stepkids. It may take a lot of work and tongue biting, but you can do it. The biggest thing is, your DH needs to be the driving force of the whole thing - and I'm not talking about shoving you down their throats, either. Take the high road with the ex-wife...let her look bad in the end. I KNOW how hard that is...believe me. Just remember you and DH can NEVER win in the kids' eyes if you get into a (pardon me) pissing match with her.

As for the different rules at your house...don't sweat it (as long as they are reasonable). The kids can learn the different rules and they can be expected to follow them, too. Just make sure DH enforces the rules or YOU will be the ogre. And he has to stress that the rules are not YOUR rules, they are HOUSE rules that the two of you have set together.

I know it's hard...I feel for you. :hug99:

[PrincessAmy]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I apperciate so much because this is one of the major areas in my life that I need support.

Suzi~ Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Your situation sounds very close to mine. Fortunatly my husband takes much discipline responsibilty and backs me up in whatever I say or do. I do try to be resonable to the girls. I want them to enjoy their visit to our home. My hopes for the future are to raise them so that they want to stop by when they are old enough to drive. I do love them so much! I want the best for them as I do with my biological children.
Somedays are just harder than others. I think what bothers me the most, what eats at my heart the most, is that I have a real hard time when someone doesn't like me...and their mom 'hates' me. I just want her and I to be able to communicate on a civil basis. That is what really gets to me. I just keep praying and I believe someday....
Suzi~ I am so happy for you...that Shannon stops by. That has got to be one of the best feelings in the whole world. ;)
Thanks again!

[m'honey]

Suzy: I also want to thank you for sharing your encouraging experience... it's so hard sometimes to feel like there's hope for a better relationship in the years to come!

Amy: it is unfortunate that some parents wield their children as weapons against their ex. Sometimes it's the parent the children are living with most of the time but I've also seen it happen with the parents the children don't live with. Either way, the kids are getting manipulated and hurt too, try to remember that. I shared my very negative experience b/c I didn't want you to feel like there was something wrong with YOU, or you weren't trying hard enough, if you couldn't get this woman to sit down and work things out with you. I've come to terms with the fact that it's not a possibility in my case... and we're probably going to go through a lot of the crud Suzi described before the boys finally grow up, leave home and hopefully realize that we DO love them. Get over the fact that this woman doesn't like you, your hubby does and he's a way better judge of character! :nod: If you're patient and give them your best, the girls will probably come around too. :crossfing

[PrincessAmy]

Thanks!

[bunybomb]

Amy, I'm a step mom too. It's taken me 7 years to learn the more I worry about the ex, the more power she has in my life. Doing your best to raise someone else's child is the only thing you can do and I admit it's not easy.

My situation is different than yours in that DH's ex has completely checked out of my daughter's life. She lives 1200 miles away and hasn't seen or spoken to her child in over 3 years. I adopted Dylan and it was finalized in April of this year. It may sound that it's easy that way, but it brings up a different set of issues. For the most part Dylan is a normal kid. We look alike, talk alike, just as mothers/daughters do. She does have very deep seeded abandonment issues. She was 4 when she moved with us full time, that's when her biomom got a new job and decided she couldn't be a fulltime parent. Before that, we shared custody of 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. BM did see Dylan every other weekend, although even on those weekend, BM's time was limited with her. BM never really wanted to be a parent. She left another daughter to be raised by her father when her child was only 6 months old. When Dylan was 7, her BM moved away completely. She does write about 4 times a year but makes no effort to call on bdays, Christmas etc. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like for a child. BM behavior brought out the mama bear in me and I vowed that I would do whatever it took to protect my daughter. I took me another 2 years to muster the courage to seek adoption.

The pain of being abandonded will always be in my daughter's heart, which truly makes me HATE her BM, but I realized it only hurts myself and that woman is not worth the energy.

Advice: Just like what Jen said, sit down and talk if you can. Be the bigger person. It may take many, many tries, but you will feel better that you've done what you can. You can't change someone else's behavior or someone's like/dislike for you. You can only do what you know and feel is right.

When your stepdaughters say that their mom doesn't like you, they are looking for a reaction. They are trying to wield power in a situtation where they have none. Maybe when they say "my mom doesn't like you" you can reply, "That's too bad because I like your mom and it would be good to help each other out". It will get back to their mom and maybe you can kill her with kindness. :lol:

Good luck, hang in there. In the long run it's worth it. :hug99:

[PrincessAmy]

Bunybomb(sorry, don't know your first name)~
Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. I feel for your daughter, I was abandoned by my father. I am a strong woman,though, and I believe your daughter will be as well.
It's like somedays I really let the girls mom get to me, and then other days I can brush it off. I really wish that she would sit down and talk with me, or at least communicate with me...but she refuses. So, yes, until that day, I will kill her with kindness.
Thanks again ladies for all your support and advice.:sunny:

[bunybomb]

Hi Amy,

How are things going? Has anything gotten better lately?

Happy weekend!

[Sherry]

Morning ladies... well this has been an interesting weekend.. It started Friday afternoon when I got a call from Chris ( my step-son ) asking me for his dad. I explained he was home sick and could call him there. I asked him how he was etc.. and he told me that his mom kicked him out of the house.. Of course I apologized and told him if there is anything we can do for him etc... and he is more than welcome to come to our house etc.... ( Chris is 17, will be 18 on Oct 28th )... to make a long story short, he called his dad, he picked him up...the step-dad told DH "I am in the middle of it, but he is dating that sara girl again... and J dosnt like it, and if you let Chris stay at your house this weekend you know J will be in court first thing for holding you contempt"... Dh said " you know what SDJ, she has been in contempt since December of last year, and the kids havent been over here like they are supposed to be anyway...so, we are just looking at this as a "cooling-off" for a few days between Chris and his mom and if this becomes longer than we will discuss it then" and they left... Basically it came down to Mom only wants him to date this one girl, and not Sara, so when she found out that he was talking to her again ( in the parking lot at school mind you ) she got mad and threw him out.. Of course his sister who is 15 is allowed to have her boyfriend in the house till 1 am, but Chris cannot even speak to Sara..... Anyway... He is living at our house for now.... I took him to school since we advised him not to take his car to our house etc.....He is really adament about living with us, but we are just waiting as this is a "teenager thing" and we want to make sure both sides had time to cool off and then if a few weeks go by and he still wants to be there, then we can proceed.... Our biggest issue is financially, with him paying childsupport and him living here its not gonna work that way.. Chirs is 6'4 and 300lbs ( your basic linebacker ) and the gas we are using etc.....well... we cant afford it, but we will see what we can do....gotta run....

[bunybomb]

Hi Sherry, sorry things are rough right now and that Chris' mom is up in arms. I don't have any advice, just a big :hug99:

[PrincessAmy]

Hi Amy,

How are things going? Has anything gotten better lately?

Happy weekend!

Wow, I am so bad at posting! Things are not really better or worse...you know...if it's not one thing then it's another. I know we will make it...eventually. I just truly hope the girls are open minded when they are older and give me a chance despite what they are told by their mother.
Thanks for caring!

[PrincessAmy]

Wow, Sherry, I sure can't wait for those teenage years. But at least you and your DH are showing your son that you love him by taking him in to your home. Good luck with it all!