I'm sooo sorry, I promise I won't spin any more threads off today... I remembered this while reading the birthday presents thread and thought I 'd ask y'all.

My stepsons are three years apart in age. MIL told me that when they were little (under-10), their mother insisted that the non-birthday child should also receive a small gift whenever one of them was having a birthday party. I asked DH about it and he said that was his ex's thing, that she thought it would prevent jealousy or competition (trust me, it DIDN'T work! :disbelief ).

I'd never heard of anyone doing this... Do any of you do this for your kids, or your family/friends' kids?

Hell No! There is no better way to teach children that birthdays are for one particular person to have a special day. They will have their own special day when it's their turn.

That's what goodie bags are for. :lol:

My mom did this for us...it was usually something so we could have fun together. Like one of my presents for my 6th birthday were strawberry shortcake roller skates, and the present my brother got then were he-man rollerskates...so that way we could learn how to skate together, stuff like that. It stopped when my brother started requesting what his present for my birthday should be. :lol:

We do not do this for our kids, but my mom and grandma do, they always get a present from each for eachothers birthdays.

No...and I don't really like the idea either. I'd rather teach about sharing the new toys and that everyone has their own special days. It's kind of like how everyone gets a trophy these days...what does that teach?! :disbelief

No...and I don't really like the idea either. I'd rather teach about sharing the new toys and that everyone has their own special days. It's kind of like how everyone gets a trophy these days...what does that teach?! :disbelief

Ditto! :nod:

I'm not a fan of this idea either. I do understand that the people who do it have good intentions, but I want my kids to know that they don't get a gift for every occasion. I don't want them to be over-indulged... and with their being the only grandkids on both sides of the family that's already a challenge.

The only time I give a child a gift for his/her siblings's "birthday" is their actual BIRTH day (ie when the baby is born). Other than that, I agree with Alyssa. :aok:

I don't like it either. The problem is too many other people give presents to the non-birthday child.

Dennis

I don't like it either. The problem is too many other people give presents to the non-birthday child.

Dennis
who does? grandparents? other relatives? friends? This is what I'm wondering about...

LOL, this reminds me of how totally pissed DH got at our birthing class instructor. He already didn't like her AT ALL and then after one of the classes I was talking to the only other mom there with a pre-teen and we were discussing the possibility of getting together so we could see one anothers' babies & the big boys could hang out... well, the teacher actually walked up to us and said that we should bring the other woman's older child a present when we met. We just blinked and said "oh!", and DH just turned around and walked away... :jawdrop:

I think it is plain dumb to give the other child a gift at a birthday. I think children are smart and that if you do this they will expect it. They also are smart enough to learn and understand that it is not their birthday and not their special day and they will just have to wait. I think like someone else said it teaches sharing and patients and I have a real problem with people who do this. My MIL tried doing it when Tylor turned 9 and Alyssa was 2. I made her take it back out to her car when she brought it in and told her I didn't agree with it and won't have it.

Jayne

who does? grandparents? other relatives? friends? This is what I'm wondering about...

Frances' birthday was a few weeks ago. My mom didn't come out put sent Joe a present along with the one for Frances. Mary's aunt came to the party and brought Joe a present. And one of the parents of one of Frances' friends brought a present for Joe.

Dennis

Hell No! There is no better way to teach children that birthdays are for one particular person to have a special day. They will have their own special day when it's their turn.

That's what goodie bags are for. :lol:

:nod:

No...and I don't really like the idea either. I'd rather teach about sharing the new toys and that everyone has their own special days. It's kind of like how everyone gets a trophy these days...what does that teach?! :disbelief

I agree. When the twins had their first b-day, my grandma asked me if she could give Aidan (my older son) a gift so he didnt feel left out. I said thanks for asking, but no, that he needed to learn that he didnt get gifts on their b-day. Fast forward to the day, and my OTHER grandma and my MIL brought gifts for Aidan :complain: Argh. So then I have my grandma bitching about it, saying, "well i wanted to bring a gift too, but karri wouldnt let me".
This year, we're making it clear to everyone that no one is to bring a gift for anyone but the b-day kids.

Hell No! There is no better way to teach children that birthdays are for one particular person to have a special day. They will have their own special day when it's their turn.

That's what goodie bags are for. :lol:

Ditto!
I have twins so they will never have their own day but if I had kids of separate ages or if I have another one, no way in the world am I going to ask people to buy gifts for all 3 of them.

Hell No! There is no better way to teach children that birthdays are for one particular person to have a special day. They will have their own special day when it's their turn.

That's what goodie bags are for. :lol:

:nod: Yep I agree.. if we did that, they would get presents all the time!

My grandmother did this when my sis and I were kids, but it was always something really small, like a coloring book and crayons. I remember one year it was my sister's birthday and she got me a Strawberry Shortcake brush/comb set and my sister was SO upset. She wanted that instead of her present. :lol:

I haven't been doing this and don't plan on it either.

How wierd, my friend and I were talking about this yesterday! I totally disagree with it. Birthdays are the special day for that child, everyone gets one. If anyone brought or sent a gift for the non-birthday child, I wouldn't let them have it.

I'm agreeing with Clare here... Dennis, if you can tell your kids that they can't have ALL the candy in the goodie bag :awink:, then surely you can tell them that they can't have a present on their sibling's birthday. And politely explain that to the adults too, I think it's rude of them to do that without asking you if it's ok first. Even if Grandma & Great-Aunt just want to spoil the little ones a little...

I'm agreeing with Clare here... Dennis, if you can tell your kids that they can't have ALL the candy in the goodie bag :awink:, then surely you can tell them that they can't have a present on their sibling's birthday. And politely explain that to the adults too, I think it's rude of them to do that without asking you if it's ok first. Even if Grandma & Great-Aunt just want to spoil the little ones a little...

We gave them both the presents from my mom a few dayse before Frances' birthday so they weren't tied in to being birthday presents. But we didn't know Mary's aunt brought anything for Joe until she said "Joe, I got you something too." As much as I didn't like the idea, I wasn't about to tell Joe he couldn't have it.

I really hope I'm misunderstanding you guys because it sounds like you would take the present out of the child's hands and tell them they can't have it. I'm sorry, but I think that's just cruel.

Dennis

I think it's easy in my situation b/c my kids birthdays are all within 7 weeks of each other. If somebody sent sibling gifts, I wouldn't even show them to them, just put them away till their birthdays.If someone handed Emily or Sam a gift at Harry's party, I'd tell them that we need to put it away until their birthday. This hasn't ever happened.

My kids know that they don't get gifts on their siblings' birthdays. I have seen it happen though. We were at a party once and I saw the older brother start opening gifts. I told him to stop b/c they were for his sister and the mother said "oh no, these are for him. We don't like him to feel left out" :disbelief I totally disagree with that.

nope, you didn't misunderstand me... candy is a treat, gifts are a BIGGER treat -- I'm not talking about a coloring book and crayons here but clearly a pair of rollerskates or a toy count. In MY mind, there is little difference as far as how to deal with the situation. I would be loving and sweet and explain to the non-birthday child that today we are celebrating their sibling and the non-birthday present will be put away until it's the right time. Just like I would if someone brought & gave them a box of chocolates at 4pm... it's not the right time for them to enjoy the treat, period. I don't think one is cruel but the other isn't. The child wants something and it is not the appropriate time for them to have it. My job as a parent, IMO, is to decide when these things are appropriate and then follow through. Maybe it'll be appropriate after dinner, or next Saturday morning, or maybe next time the child does something absolutely spectacular with their chores, whatever. The point is to teach them about taking turns briefly being the center of attention and not growing up feeling entitled... isn't it?

And then of course, the equally daunting task of talking to the adult who brought the present and explaining to them how you feel and asking them to not do it again... well, that's almost as hard but also necessary so you don't keep being put in this position.

Then that's where we differ because as I said, I think that's cruel. It's one thing to tell them they can't have candy until after dinner. It's another to take a present out of their hands and say they can't have it for several months. A 3 year old doesn't understand the concept.

Dennis

Then that's where we differ because as I said, I think that's cruel. It's one thing to tell them they can't have candy until after dinner. It's another to take a present out of their hands and say they can't have it for several months. A 3 year old doesn't understand the concept. I don't think you'd appreciate it if someone gave you something you really wanted and then someone else took it away and said "sorry, you can't have this for 6 months."

Dennis

Then that's where we differ because as I said, I think that's cruel. It's one thing to tell them they can't have candy until after dinner. It's another to take a present out of their hands and say they can't have it for several months. A 3 year old doesn't understand the concept. I don't think you'd appreciate it if someone gave you something you really wanted and then someone else took it away and said "sorry, you can't have this for 6 months."

Dennis
LOL, you mean like when I was told that my promotion was approved but corporate wouldn't make it effective until three months later b/c of some bogus HR policy? No, I didn't LIKE it but I accepted that there was no other way. I learned a long time about delayed gratification and I think it's actually a good thing to teach my kids. I could really get on a soapbox now about the microwave mentality (and the entitlement mindset) of this time our children are growing up in but that would be somewhat off-topic...

I'll just agree to disagree with you on this, Dennis. IMO, a 2 or 3yo doesn't really appreciate the difference between a candy treat and a toy, their minds & wants & attention span are fickle enough that I've found if I weather the 5-10 minute storm they soon move on to something else (this is based not only on my experience with DS#1 but also with many other children I've helped with over the years). And I didn't say that the non-birthday child should wait three months to get this "extra" present, just until another moment that I deem more opportune.

Then that's where we differ because as I said, I think that's cruel. It's one thing to tell them they can't have candy until after dinner. It's another to take a present out of their hands and say they can't have it for several months. A 3 year old doesn't understand the concept. I don't think you'd appreciate it if someone gave you something you really wanted and then someone else took it away and said "sorry, you can't have this for 6 months."

Dennis


I agree!

I am with Dennis here. I made my MIL take her present back outside before it was ever noticed. So know one was the wiser besides MIL and myself. I would never rip something out of my child's hand after it was given to them as a gift. That is cruel and is only going to cause more of a scene then just letting that child have the gift. If my child was given the gift and so on I would then pull the parent or person aside who had given my child that gift and thank them for it but then kindly ask that they not bring gifts for the other child as I don't think it is appropriate.

Jayne

this is interesting... ok, so Dennis & Jillian & Jayne (and any others), what do/will you do if someone gives your child a toy that you have already decided is inappropriate for them due to your moral convictions or whatever? Like some people are opposed to toy guns, and others think Barbie teaches little girls wrong things about body image. So, if there was a type of toy like that where you've already decided that YOUR child will not have it (even though they want one b/c "ALL their friends have it") and then someone shows up and gives it to them before you have a chance to intercept it... what would you do?

I'm not trying to start arguments or be contrary, I've found it interesting (if at times a little startling) to read everyone's opinions on different things. I found the use of the word "cruel" a little harsh in Dennis' post earlier but then when I thought about it I realized that I sometimes think that way about some of the things other people do :blush1:, so it's not like I can be the one to cast the first stone. I do think you're all loving parents and am not questioning the way you're doing things, just trying to gain some insight into why you're doing them that way... does that make sense? :crossfing

If someone gave Joe or Frances a toy that we did not think was appropriate for whatever reason, we would explain to them that we do not want them playing with that toy and we will exchange it for something else when we have a chance. IMO, that's much different than taking a toy away from them simply because it was the other's birthday. Using "cruel" might have a been a bit harsh, but that's honestly how I feel about it.

And I totally agree that we are all loving parents - if we weren't, we wouldn't be here.

Dennis