This sounds like an episode of SuperNanny. :rolleyes:

I'm at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do with Rebekah anymore. Nothing is working for us. The only thing that really gets her attention is when we yell at her to the point that she cries. It's like I have to break her spirit before she will even think about cooperating and I hate feeling like that's my only option. I am to the point where I dread being at home with her because I know that it will end in a screaming match at some point.

Here's a list of things I need help with. Alot of these things are probably my fault but I need to find a way to un-do the damage before I totally lose it. I simply cannot be physically battling a 37lb 3-yr-old all the time.


She completely refuses to get dressed most days. I don't mind letting her pick out her own clothes as long as they are sensible. They don't even have to match. But all she wants to wear are dress-up dresses and nightgowns - anything long and flowy. She won't even wear sundresses. Any attempt to remove the nightgown or dress-up dress is met with screaming and kicking. I've tried setting down rules like she can wear the dress-ups at home but not out but that hasn't worked. There are times when I MUST go places and she would happily stay home in her dress-up clothes. It's a good thing that I don't have the Gymboree addiction because she wouldn't wear any of it without being forced. And if I forcibly get her dressed and then turn my back, she'll strip herself down and put on her dress-ups and I have to start all over.
She will not wear sensible shoes. She insists on wearing "glass slippers" all the time with any outfit. She has 2 pairs of "glass slippers" - one pair of white dress shoes and one pair of pink sparklely dress shoes. Occasionally she will settle for flip flops but NEVER tennis shoes. Most days I'm ok with the shoes as long as she wears socks (without socks, she gets blisters) but there are other times, like when it's raining or at the park, when "glass slippers" are not sensible. As with the dresses, she's perfectly content to stay home if that means she can wear her "glass slippers".
Bathtime is a nightmare. She totally refuses to take a bath. I have to drag her to the bathroom, forcibly strip her down and put her in the tub. Last time, she ended up in the tub head-first because she locked her legs on the side of the tub and I can't lift her high enough to her her into the tub feet first. However, once I get her in, I can't get her out. At this point, she's only getting baths about 3 times a week because I just don't want to go through the fight.
Bedtime is even worse. Bedtime starts off with a fight to get her into pajamas because her nightgown is filthy from wearing it all day. Then it's a screaming match to get into the bathroom to go potty. I have actually had to force her onto the potty while she's crying hysterically. Tooth brushing isn't too bad because she's tired of crying after going potty. Then comes the worst part - getting her into the bed. She will hide under it, she will put her feet over her head so we can't cover her up, she will try every stalling technique she can come up with. I threaten to just leave her there and then she has to get herself situated but she usually settles down before I reach that point. I'm getting really close to it, though.
Just leaving the house is a chore. Once we get past the clothes and the shoes, just getting her from the house to the car is hard. She has to kiss the dogs, she has to get a toy, she refuses to walk through the wet grass in her "glass slippers", she won't get into her car seat, etc.
Just won't listen in general. I ask her to pick something up, she won't. I ask her to come into the house, she won't. I ask her to leave the dogs alone, she keeps tormenting them. Anything I ask her to do she deliberately does the opposite.
I guess since the majority of my time with her is spent getting ready in the mornings, leaving the house, bathtime, and bed time, I feel like I spend most of my time being totally frustrated with her. My mom deals with the same issues during the day - doesn't want to get dressed, doesn't want to leave the house, would like to stay inside all day, won't play outside, just doesn't listen in general.

Things we've tried...

Taking a favorite toy away - she doesn't have a favorite toy. The only thing I could really take away are the dress-ups but it just seems so cruel to take them away cold turkey since I've let her wear them so much.

Time outs - they are funny and they're one of her stalling tools at bedtime. She will even ASK for a time out at bedtime because it delays her getting into bed.

Making "deals" - I tried making deals to do something she wanted and then something I wanted. Like "let's make a deal - we'll play playdough and then we have to go to Target because I need X." This worked for a few weeks but now instead of compromising, she just said "We play playdough, I wear my glass slippers, we watch a movie. That's the deal." And when I say no to her deal, she ends up screaming "THAT'S THE DEAL!!!" and it ends in a huge argument.

Smacking her butt - yes, I have smacked her butt. And she usually laughs at me. I have to really hit her hard for her to take it seriously and I have to actually make it hurt to get her to cooperate. I HATE smacking her and I'd really like to avoid it but sometimes she's just out of control.

Help me. PLEASE! I hate the way things are in our house most of the time. And I need to get past alot of these problems before preschool starts in September. Since she gets up at 7am now that the sun is up that early, I have an hour or more to get her ready to leave and she STILL refuses to cooperate.

OMg Brooke... first and foremost :hug99: to you!


The first thing that comes to my mind after reading your post... put away ALL her princess dresses AND shoes. Explain to her that they are going away because of the problems with getting dresseed, having a bath, bedtime, not listening.

Let her know that once she can start to behave like a princess and listen to your rules... THEN you will bring back ONE dress for her. BUT she must follow the rules, or the dress is put away again.

I ALWAYS follow through on my threats. If I say I am going to take something away - I do it if the poor behavior continues. This stands with Kaitlyn and any of my daycare kids. That way, they know I mean business when I give them a consequence to their inappropriate behavior.

Good luck!

:bighug: Ashton works my nerve too somedays. Jo Frost wrote a book [about $15 I think, I bought it for the potty training section] maybe you should pick it up.

Yes, take away the dressups and slippers.......those are her favorite toys. Since it appears that she needs a forceful spank to get attention, this is a good alternative. I don't think of it as cruel for her to go "cold turkey", she needs to know you mean business. Don't let her wear the nightgown all day.

Don't give her a timeout at bedtime since she wants it.....she goes off to bed. If you are going to make a deal, make sure you get your side first, and then if she is good, then she gets her side.

Also, she should be getting a timeout with the attitude about her deals she offers.....Ashton gets the same way some times and that is what I do.

Wow, Brooke. I think if I were in your situation, I would have drunk myself under the table long ago. (barring the pregnancy of course! ;) )

Yes, the dressup clothes/glass slippers have got to go. And the best way would be to have them disappear while she's not there. She's got to learn that you mean BUSINESS, and so if she's not there, she'll have no say about it. You can box them all up and hide them or whatever you deem necessary in peace if Darren takes her out, rather than her hanging on your leg and whining or screaming or whatever. And like Chantal said, you explain that due to her behavior lately, you're going to have to put them away for a while until everyone can work together again.

Bedtime stalling - leave her there. If she's not going to cooperate, then don't do all the normal things you do for her at bedtime (getting a sippy of milk, covering her up, whatever.) And if she complains that she's cold, you calmly explain that you would have covered her up happily, except that she was acting in such a way that made it impossible, and maybe if she cooperates at bedtime the following night, you'll be able to complete all the steps she likes.

As for the general not listening, the same things apply. If she won't pick up a toy, then it gets put away for a day or two. If she won't come inside, pick her up and carry her inside, then lock the door. If she won't stop tormenting the dogs, then she's confined to her bedroom for a while (note: remove the toys from there, if you haven't already!)

I know you don't want to be cruel about it, and in reality these things aren't cruel, they are just matter of fact. She's matter-of-factly working to get her own way, and you have to matter-of-factly work at thwarting her!

I was thinking about putting the dress-up and princess stuff away until all of this blows over. And I dont knowif its practical or not, but maybe you could take her shopping and let her pick out 5 or 6 things to wear. Maybe that would help her feel more in control and she'd put up less of a fight putting it on in the a.m.???

Maybe by putting the nightgowns out of her reach/sight, it could work as a reward for taking a bath w/o a fight? (or with minimal fuss?)

She is at that age where she is going to take as much as you'll give her. They love to test their boundaries. You need to have no problem putting your foot down & sticking to your guns.

Sounds like you have quite the spirited gal there :lol: I dont envy you :lol:

Anne's post was what I wanted to post. She did it in a much better way than I did :lol: But anyway, I wanted to add that you need to try to remain calm and do it in a no-nonsense way....just carry her to her room and plop her in there. No yelling. No talking. Nothing. And when your respond to her, you do it in the simplest way possible. KWIM? She wont feed off your anger.
I have noticed that w/ Aidan....the madder I get, the worse off I am b/c nothing phases him.

I have to agree with Chantal and Amy...Rebekah's "currency" is her dressups and shoes!! Take them all away, put them in a clear plastic bin where she can EASILY see them but not get to them and tell her that she can earn them back by doing X, Y, and Z (you must be specific so she understands how to get them back). Don't make it too easy to get one back but it has to be an attainable goal as well, like she earns one pair of shoes for cooperating with a minor task and a dress for cooperating with a big task, a nightgown for cooperating with bedtime routines, etc.. For every task she gets one reminder that she can earn shoes/dress for cooperating and after that she starts LOSING any shoes/dresses that she has earned back.

Also, track her cooperation with a sticker chart (presumably with princess stickers in long flowy dresses! :lol: ). Tell her that when she has gone a whole week getting stickers every day that you will take her to the store and buy her a new nightgown/dress/dress-up shoes, etc.

Hope that helps!

:(
I knew you guys were going to say to take the dress-ups away. And I know it's something I HAVE to do. But I feel sick thinking about how she's going to react. We have major MAJOR melt-downs when we can't find a certain dress she wants or when one is in the laundry. She will ask about it for days and days and have crying fits over it. We actually lost one about 3 weeks ago and she still asks about it.

They make her feel so beautiful and special. I'm in tears just thinking about taking that away from her.

But the two situation are TOTALLY different - when one is lost, she has no hope of ever getting it back. When you take them away for her to earn back with good behavior, she KNOWS how to get them back (you have to constantly talk it up that her cooperation doing X will get her shoes/dress/nightgown back) and she can succeed. Also, having them within her line of vision is very important, I think. She needs to know that they are not lost - rather that you have taken them away and she can earn them back. Given her attachment to these things, I bet you have a very different toddler in a SHORT time if you follow through with it!

They make her feel so beautiful and special. I'm in tears just thinking about taking that away from her.

And don't feel too bad about her not feeling beautiful and special. She will feel beautiful and special and PROUD OF HERSELF when she earns her dresses back!! :bighug: YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Brooke - I am with Suzi. I know its a tough thing to do....but you can do it! Rebekah needs to learn that what she is doing is unacceptable behavior.

And Karri had a good idea about taking her shopping to pick out some outfits she likes.....no dress ups though. :awink: Then pick out 2 outfits and have R pick out which one she wants to wear in the morning......I have started this with Ashton when on a couple of occassions she has said she didn't want to wear something I picked.

Again, be strong!!

Sort of, on a similar level, I have had a problem with clothes with Hanna. She only wants to wear dressy dresses and dressy shoes and up until last week, I would let her wear whatever she wanted to the sitters (within reason in that, if she wanted to wear a short sleeve outfit, she had to wear a long sleeved shirt underneath). One day she was running & got hurt and the sitter said that that was that. No more dress shoes. Only runners. So ... because it came from someone else who seemed to have more influence on her during the day (that doesn't sound like it should but ...) it worked. She knows that dress shoes are no longer allowed.

I would also think that once she gets into kindergarten, lord help me for saying this, but I think that peer pressure will kick in & her wanting to wear framboyant outfits will be minimized ... the teacher might even insist that it's not the time & place for the costumes and that might be ok with them.

I kind of look at it as "pick your battles" in my case.

:hug99: good luck ... I know how frustrating it can be.

Suzi and the others have some excellent points. And make sure to tell her when she earns the stuff back that you are proud of her.

Here's a trick I learned from a guy I work with; his daughters are 6 and 8. If things are getting hairy and stressful he puts HIMSELF in a timeout. He tells them he wants to be reasonable and not yelling but he is getting very mad and needs to have a time out to calm himself down. It freaks them out and is particularly effective if they were all to go for a bike ride etc but because of THEIR behaviour HE is in a time out and then says, "well we can't go for a bike ride, I'm on a time out." They quickly smarten up.

Right after he told me this, I tried it on Mason. Worked like a charm. He really freaked out. He did not want me going in a time out. He was very upset; upset to the point that I said "Well if you get in the car seat I won't be mad any more and I won't need a time out and he jumped in so fast you'd have thought his feet were on fire! And the second time I tried it I said I was going in my bedroom to lay down because I was very upset and didn't want to yell and needed a time out. He followed me in there crying about not wanting me to go on a time out. I lay down on the bed and ignored him and he came over and said he wanted a snuggle and then said I'm sorry. I said I feel better now, and I'm not going to yell and how about we go do X. It served two purposes: to calm me down and to totally distract him from whatever his tantrum was about and it seemed to work. I'm going to be using that one frequently, I can tell. :)

First of all, I feel your pain. We just went through this about 3 weeks ago. I seriously thought the devil had taken over my daughter. :rolleyes: There is light at the end of the tunnel though cause she seems to be fine now.

Here goes with my experience on the matter:

She completely refuses to get dressed most days. I don't mind letting her pick out her own clothes as long as they are sensible. They don't even have to match. But all she wants to wear are dress-up dresses and nightgowns - anything long and flowy. She won't even wear sundresses. Any attempt to remove the nightgown or dress-up dress is met with screaming and kicking. I've tried setting down rules like she can wear the dress-ups at home but not out but that hasn't worked. There are times when I MUST go places and she would happily stay home in her dress-up clothes. It's a good thing that I don't have the Gymboree addiction because she wouldn't wear any of it without being forced. And if I forcibly get her dressed and then turn my back, she'll strip herself down and put on her dress-ups and I have to start all over.
She will not wear sensible shoes. She insists on wearing "glass slippers" all the time with any outfit. She has 2 pairs of "glass slippers" - one pair of white dress shoes and one pair of pink sparklely dress shoes. Occasionally she will settle for flip flops but NEVER tennis shoes. Most days I'm ok with the shoes as long as she wears socks (without socks, she gets blisters) but there are other times, like when it's raining or at the park, when "glass slippers" are not sensible. As with the dresses, she's perfectly content to stay home if that means she can wear her "glass slippers".
We litterally spent approx. 2 weeks at home with NO going out for these exact reasons. The only difference is that Riley wouldnt wear any shoes. I even bought her like 5 pairs of other shoes thinking they hurt her feet but no go. We did try to go out one day and she threw such a fit about something that she climbed out of her car seat. I couldnt have her doing that so at that point I was so mad that I pulled the car back into the garage and told her to go to her room and dont come out. I had to get Morgan out of the car and settled inside. After that (riley was in her room crying) I was so proplexed as to what to do that the only thing I could do and not totally lose it was take everything away from her. YEP I cleaned her room out. The only thing she had was the bed. I told her why I did it and what she had to do to get her things back. From that point on I didnt really harp on what happend and disturbing to me was she went for a couple of days acting like she didnt care that she didnt get to go anywhere or that she didnt have any toys. Everyday I would talk to her and tell her it didnt have to be this way and that we could be doing fun things and going places if she would only do as she was told. Slowly but surely she started coming around and one day at a time she got toys back as started listening. She even wears shoes now with no problem but still will NOT even entertain the idea of tennis shoes.

Now everyone may not agree with what I did but it worked and she has shown no ill effects because of it. I hope my story helps and if nothing else at least it will let you know you are not alone.

We are still working on this one daily. :lol:

Just won't listen in general. I ask her to pick something up, she won't. I ask her to come into the house, she won't. I ask her to leave the dogs alone, she keeps tormenting them. Anything I ask her to do she deliberately does the opposite.

If you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me. I totally know how you are feeling. :hug99:

Of course today we had a relatively easy day so far. Of course, we haven't gone to bed yet. Darren's on the phone with his dad and I just haven't gotten up to put her to bed. She's watching Shrek 2.

I think we had a bath breakthrough. She asked to take a shower. :dunno: So we put her in the shower and she washed herself and her hair by herself, dried herself off, and didn't fight getting her pajamas on. It's like some days she's a different kid.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about the dress-ups.

Edited to add - bedtime took less than 10 minutes, including turning off the movie, which usually results in a huge fit. :dunno: Like I said, sometimes she's a different kid.

:hug99: Wow Brooke, you sure do have a spirited little girl there! Let's hope that Daniel is placid in comparison!

I know it's going to be hard, but I agree with everyone about taking away the dressups. She is in control at the moment and you have to turn that around and take back the control. I was going to suggest a star chart. She gets a star or sticker for every time she gets dressed sensibly, takes a bath, goes to bed without a fight etc etc and after a week of stars she gets one dressup back. But only on condition that she only wears it when it suits you.

Good luck. I know it's hard. But you can do it!!!

I can't add to what's been said. You've already gotten great advice. I agree with taking the dresses away. Good luck, Brooke! :hug99:

She completely refuses to get dressed most days. I don't mind letting her pick out her own clothes as long as they are sensible. They don't even have to match. But all she wants to wear are dress-up dresses and nightgowns - anything long and flowy.
I agree with everyone else, however, I will say that nightgowns should just be reserved for bed and she needs to understand that, and dress-up dresses are just for home. You can do a few things, have her earn the dressups or negotiate a time when it is appropriate to wear them. That way she can look forward to dress up time. Even write out a daily schedule that says, "dressup time from 3-5" or whatever. Then stick to it!

She will not wear sensible shoes. She insists on wearing "glass slippers" all the time with any outfit. She has 2 pairs of "glass slippers"
Save the glass slippers for home during dress up time or earned time. Such as if you XYZ, you get ABC minutes of glass slippers and dress up. Set a timer if you need to.

Bathtime is a nightmare. She totally refuses to take a bath. I have to drag her to the bathroom, forcibly strip her down and put her in the tub. Last time, she ended up in the tub head-first because she locked her legs on the side of the tub and I can't lift her high enough to her her into the tub feet first. However, once I get her in, I can't get her out. At this point, she's only getting baths about 3 times a week because I just don't want to go through the fight.
I saw that you updated saying that she took a shower. I was going to suggest this. I've been taking Katie into the shower with me since she was young, especially if we didn't have time for a bath the night before.

Bedtime is even worse. Bedtime starts off with a fight to get her into pajamas because her nightgown is filthy from wearing it all day. Then it's a screaming match to get into the bathroom to go potty. I have actually had to force her onto the potty while she's crying hysterically. Tooth brushing isn't too bad because she's tired of crying after going potty. Then comes the worst part - getting her into the bed. She will hide under it, she will put her feet over her head so we can't cover her up, she will try every stalling technique she can come up with. I threaten to just leave her there and then she has to get herself situated but she usually settles down before I reach that point. I'm getting really close to it, though.
Do you give her a "warning" that bedtime is coming? Or is it all of a sudden, its time for bed? Secondly, if you save nightgowns for bedtime only, they won't be dirty for bed. Usually after Katie's bath at 6/6:30 I put her in pajamas, so she is in bed clothes for about an hour before bedtime. This helps our transition. After pajamas, she gets a sippy of milk, then I give her the toothbrush. The whole time I say to her, "pajamas, milk, brush your teeth, then its almost bedtime."

At bedtime you can say, "OK time for bed. Go into bed and I'll be right in to read you a story, cover you up and then its time for sleep." If she isn't ready for a story, or to be tucked in you can say, "I guess you won't listen, so no story tonight, good night." Then close the door. She'll get the point very quickly!!!

Just leaving the house is a chore. Once we get past the clothes and the shoes, just getting her from the house to the car is hard. She has to kiss the dogs, she has to get a toy, she refuses to walk through the wet grass in her "glass slippers", she won't get into her car seat, etc.
Again, is there a transition time? I tell Katie at least 10 minutes before we leave that we're going to leave in a few minutes. So in your case I would say, "Go kiss the dogs, get your toy and then we're going to leave in two minutes." If she isn't ready, just pick her up and take her. Again, she will get the point quickly.

Just won't listen in general. I ask her to pick something up, she won't. I ask her to come into the house, she won't. I ask her to leave the dogs alone, she keeps tormenting them. Anything I ask her to do she deliberately does the opposite.
When I tell Katie to help pick up her toys and she doesn't, I will physicaly take her hand, help her pick up a toy and then make her put it away in the right place. It only takes one or two toys before she will start to do it herself. If it took all the toys for her to help, I would do it.

Making "deals" - I tried making deals to do something she wanted and then something I wanted. Like "let's make a deal - we'll play playdough and then we have to go to Target because I need X." This worked for a few weeks but now instead of compromising, she just said "We play playdough, I wear my glass slippers, we watch a movie. That's the deal." And when I say no to her deal, she ends up screaming "THAT'S THE DEAL!!!" and it ends in a huge argument.
As another poster noted, if she get her end of the bargain first, there is no reason for her to keep your end. So, you need to get your part first, then let her have hers. If you have a timer on your watch, or you can give her a watch, say, "we will go out for XX minutes (or we'll be back at XX time), after that you get to do XYZ, that is a promise." Then keep to it.

Smacking her butt - yes, I have smacked her butt. And she usually laughs at me. I have to really hit her hard for her to take it seriously and I have to actually make it hurt to get her to cooperate. I HATE smacking her and I'd really like to avoid it but sometimes she's just out of control.
I have had to resort to this with Katie too. It is hard, but there are times that she's needed it, very rarely, but it had to be done. For example, she was jumping on our recliner from the arm onto me. I told her no many times, took her off the recliner and said, "no more chair." Gave her a time-in (where I hold her), none of it worked. I then said, "if you jump one more time, you get a tap on the bottom." She laughed and jumped again, she got the tap and hasn't done it since.

Good luck! You can do this, it will take some time and a lot of perseverence on your part, but you can change your and her habits.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about the dress-ups.

I know you dont want to do it [take them away], but you have to think about it in terms of how she's going to react when the baby arrives. She is going to act out in some way....its just natural. She's been the only child for over 3 years. And I am sure she'll somehow want to exert her control w/ those dresses. So I am really sorry to say it this way, but if you dont do it now, you will have a little monster on your hands when you have a newborn to deal with on top of it.
Just something to think about. :hug99: (sometimes it sucks to be a mommy)

On the transition time - Yes, there is absolutely a warning time. We know that she needs that. And I try to make her aware of the "plan", too, with a list of what order things will happen in each day.

If it's bedtime, then I'll say something like "at the next commercial, we're going to bed" or "when American Idol is over, it'll be bed time." Even if she's not watching the tv, she's conscious of what's on and when shows end.

With other things, I usually give her a countdown - 5 more minutes until we have to leave...then 4, then 3. When I get to 1, she knows it's time to go but that still doesn't mean she cooperates.

As for picking her up and carrying her - she's 37 lbs and 40 inches tall. With being pregnant, it's hard for me to pick her up, especially if she's throwing herself on the floor or kicking. And I simply cannot carry her for any distance. She's too heavy.

Brooke - I find that with Kaitlyn... her behavior becomes more challenging when she doesnt have a good night sleep. Does Rebekah still stay up late? or does she have a set bedtime - ie: 8pm. I canned Kaitlyn's naps so that she will be in bed by 8pm, asleep by 8:30pm and sleeps until 7am. It makes for a much more tolerant and tolerable child :)


ITA with EVERYONE 100%. The clothes, shoes need to go. Sure she is going to kick up a fuss... but she KNOWS that she has that power over you - she knows she can call the shots... that's not going to work well as she gets older and becomes even more defiant in the face of peer pressure. Sad but true :(

Brooke - I find that with Kaitlyn... her behavior becomes more challenging when she doesnt have a good night sleep. Does Rebekah still stay up late? or does she have a set bedtime - ie: 8pm. I canned Kaitlyn's naps so that she will be in bed by 8pm, asleep by 8:30pm and sleeps until 7am. It makes for a much more tolerant and tolerable child :)

We were doing really good with the 9-9:30pm bedtime. But now that it's still not dark at 9pm here, that's not working and we're back to 10pm again. This I'm going to blame her father totally for. He will NOT come into the house now until almost 9:30pm! And if he's outside socializing with the neighbors, then she has to be out there with him. Even last night at 9pm when I was calling her in, she was saying "it's not bedtime yet, it's not dark yet!"

Naps don't affect her bedtime, just her attitude in the evening. With a nap, she's semi-bearable. Without a nap, she's a total terror but still won't go to sleep until at least 9pm. It's all really is dependent on the sun for her.

As for waking up - on the sunny days she's up at 7:15am at the latest. She was up today at 6:30am. I have room-darkening shades in her room and her room doesn't get any direct sun so it's not very bright. But she's still getting up early.

Poor you Brooke :hug99: Your DH needs a :fryingpan


Kaitlyn tried the "its not dark" thing with us too, esp when we had to change our clocks. We also had to take away the playing outside after supper thing too - she was pushing that with us as well. Our routine is the same, regardless of where we are. Supper, then bath, then put on her jammies, then she can play or watch tv, sometimes has a snack (but not always), then brush her teeth, wash her face, and get into bed BY 7:30pm... asleep by 8pm - - unless she napped... then its in bed by 8pm, asleep by 8:30pm. Once she is in bed, if she listens well during the evening routine, we will read her ONE book.

It takes a while - but we dont waiver from this routine... no matter WHERE we are (my parents, IL's, etc). Could you maybe implement something like that? Maybe tell her that she can NOT go outside after dinner, because she gets to wear one of her nightgowns - and they are NOT for outside time.

Could you maybe implement something like that? Maybe tell her that she can NOT go outside after dinner, because she gets to wear one of her nightgowns - and they are NOT for outside time.

Unfortunately, no. It's just not possible for me to have a routine like that. I've tried many times. I've made checklists. I've made rule lists. I've written it all down for DH to keep with him. He is physically incapable of being consistent or having a routine and I can't do it alone. I already do everything else on my own in the evenings. His way of "helping" me do things is to take her outside with him and not bring her back when he is supposed to. He wears a watch and he still has no concept of time. And I cannot be the "routine police" and still do everything I need to do every night.

This is one thing I have tried to do since she was born. I cannot do it alone. :(

Oh - and I forgot to mention - She doesn't think the nightgowns are for sleeping. She thinks they are for dress-up. I'll actually make her wear pajamas UNDER the nightgowns to keep her warm at night.

Brooke: I don't really have anything more to offer other than what has already been said. I do think it's imperative that you stress that you are the parent and not her. She is trying to run the rules and it sounds like she is winning. I know it's hard to be hard with our children but in reality they are asking for it. You have to put your foot down now or you are going to be faced with a holy terror by the time Daniel comes. I would tell Darren that he has to help with this. You can't carry her in but he can. He needs to step it up and help out. It sounds like she needs a bedtime schedule set so she knows every night after dinner she gets a bath puts on jammies and goes to bed. IMHO I think 10pm is way to late for a 3 year old to go to bed. She is not getting enough sleep which is causing most of your battles. You are fighting with a tired child. Put away her dresses and tell her that when she starts acting like a princess she can dress like one. You have to be firm with her or she is going to continue running the house.

I hope I haven't come across to harsh or mean. It totally was not my intention. I just hope that you regain control over your household. It sounds like Rebekah has it right now.

:hug99: Good luck!!

IMHO I think 10pm is way to late for a 3 year old to go to bed.

Yes, I know. And I've gone over and over it on here before. It's not going to change - I've tried everything - so really no advice will help with that. It used to be 11pm (yes, up until she was like 18 months old) and I finally got it to 9:30pm and I was ecstatic.

And I've battled with Darren over all of this for a very long time. I hate summer because he never comes into the house. If I'd let him, he'd have a fire in our outdoor fireplace until after 10 pm every night and think nothing of it.

Last night, at 8:30, I said we had to go in and get ready for bed. He was standing right there (I was in my yard, he and Rebekah were at the neighbors). I told HIM specifically we all needed to go in. Did he listen? Nope. He and Rebekah stayed at the neighbor's house talking until about 9:10pm when I finally got to the point of yelling at them both. So all my neighbors think I'm a total bitch. Either I'm anti-social because I have to stay in the house with my child while Darren visits, or I'm a bitch.

At that point, she took her shower, then got her pjs on (without a fight) but she still can't go right to bed. She needs time to unwind so she watched TV until 10 when I made her go to bed. Where was Darren? On the phone with his dad.

Anyway - this is all an old argument and it's not going to change. I've tried for 3 years to change Darren and it's just not going to happen. And I can't do it all alone.

God, I'm going to be a total mess once #2 gets here. I don't know how I'm going to make it.:(

Brooke, no real good advice, I think others have already given plenty of that. Just hugs. :bighug: Julian is pretty strong-willed, too, and doesn't sleep a lot. He's generally up until 9 or 9:30 (sometimes later) - not throwing a fit, necessarily, just not sleeping (I can put him in bed, but I can't make him sleep! :lol: ). And if he sleeps past 7, it's a miracle. (Naps don't affect this, he naps at daycare but not at home on weekends, and his sleep schedule remains essentially unchanged.) He's about the same size as Rebekah, maybe a couple of pounds heavier (I think he's about 42 pounds), and I'm only 5'1", so moving him physically has become a challenge for me as well (and I'm not pregnant, I can imagine that it's just out of the question for you :justahug: ). The only thing I've found that works is telling him no, or telling him what's expected, very matter-of-factly and just sticking to it. And it doesn't work all the time. Used to be, he'd throw a fit for more books at bedtime - I'd tell him no, he'd howl and scream and I'd give in and read more. Now I'll tell him "we're going to read one more book and then we're turning out the light, which book do you want to read?" He'll pick a book, we'll read it, and I turn off the light. He's getting now to where he makes a fairly half-hearted protest but will lay down in fairly short order. This still doesn't mean he goes to sleep right away, but at least he'll lay down and stay in bed most times. Same for getting out of the house in the morning - he'd scream for more Wiggles or more Barney or whatever. Now I tell him how much more we can watch, and when that time has passed, I tell him it's time to turn the TV off. Sometimes he grumps, but most days he's OK with it. Sometimes he'll even turn to the TV and tell the show he's watching goodbye! :lol: And there was a spell where he'd throw an unholy fit anytime we left the house - a trip to Target guaranteed a meltdown within about three minutes of walking in the door. One time it was so bad I left before I was finished shopping - just left my stuff there and walked out with him, brought him home and left him with Kevin while I went back. He then threw an unholy fit over my absence, and I was beside myself, thinking, "what will I do, I can't go to the store with him and I can't go without him!" Now I've started telling him before we go that mama has to shop and get some things, and I'll ask him if he can be a good boy for me while I do that. He always says yes, and I tell him that if he's a good boy, we can get a book (or a truck or a train or whatever). If he starts to freak out in the store, I'll remind him that he told me he could be good for me, and it's such a help to me when he's a good boy while I shop, that I appreciate that so much. So far, that seems to work to settle him down long enough for me to get my errands finished. :) So I'm discovering that if I'm consistent and not real dramatic about it, he'll gradually get the message and things are gradually improving. Not great yet, but getting better.

And I know, too, that it's tough to do this feeling like you have no support from Darren. :bighug: Kevin hasn't always been real great about backing me up on things, and he's about to be moving out of the house, so for the most part, it will be just me, all the time. It's hard, but I know I've got to find some way to suck up and do it, because I want Julian to grow up to be well-behaved and happy and well-adjusted. Does a time-out have any impact on Rebekah? I've also found that the threat of a time-out - no TV, no trucks, no books, just sitting on the rug by the front door for three minutes - usually nips most bad behavior in the bud, because Julian can't bear the thought of sitting still for three minutes! :lol:

Wow, for having no advice, I sure said a lot, didn't I? :lol: Anyway, I'm in a similar boat, so if you ever want to talk, PM me or e-mail me. :hug99:

And I know, too, that there are days where it feels like it would be so much easier to just give in - you're tired, it's late, you're aggravated with Darren for not helping, Rebekah is in nuclear meltdown mode, and it seems like it would be easier to give in to Rebekah than stick to your guns. I've been there. :bighug: Based on my experience, though, as I keep standing my ground, Julian is slowly coming to realize that when mama says something, she means it, and he fights less because he's realizing there are battles he isn't going to win. He's a smart boy, he learns quickly, and Rebekah is a smart girl, she'll learn, too. I've also realized that there are things about him I can't change. Yes, 9:30 is a late bedtime for a 3-year-old, but that's how he's wired. I'm never going to have a kid who's in bed by 7:30 or 8:00 and sleeps until 7:30 or 8:00 the next morning, and there's no point in me trying to force that kind of pattern on him. I work with what I've got to make our routine as easy as possible. I know it's tough, and I wish there was something I could do to help out more. I'd love to kick Darren for you, because it just burns me that he can't or won't change for whatever reason. All I've got is ears to listen and a virtual shoulder to lean on, and they're yours if you need them. :hug99:

Does a time-out have any impact on Rebekah?

Not usually. Only if I make her cry before putting her in time out. She will happily sit anywhere alone for a few minutes but she doesn't want to cry alone. Lately it's been "ONE! If I get to 3, I'm going to smack your butt and put you in time out......TWO! You want a smack and a time out?" And at that point she reluctantly does what I asked her to do but she really drags it out.

I guess that's the good thing about Julian - he's happy to be alone somewhere on his own terms, but if mama makes him sit alone, he doesn't like that! :lol: Usually just asking him if he wants a big time-out will get a sulky "no" in response and a fairly quick stop to whatever behavior was about to get him there.

Thanks, Lisa. :hug99:
I think it's hard for alot of people to understand that she just doesn't go to sleep early. If I put her to bed too early, I'll have trouble keeping her in bed. It's better for me to wait and put her in there later so that she'll go to sleep more quickly. Once she's asleep, I can move around the house. If she's awake and she hears me doing things, she constantly calls me or comes out to see what I'm doing. Her bedroom door, our bedroom door, the bathroom door, and the basement stair door are all located at one intersection in our house so I can't really put her to bed and then just not go near her room anymore.

I think it's hard for alot of people to understand that she just doesn't go to sleep early.

Oh, honey, I totally understand that. The rare occasions when Julian crashes by 8:30 (or, every once in a rare, rare while, 8:00) are times when he's so wiped out he can barely crawl! :lol: When I put him in bed, I try to keep things as quiet as possible, and it's always chapped me that Kevin has had a lot less regard for that than I have (he'll leave lights on, talk in a loud voice, have the TV going in a room close to Julian's, etc.). Julian is the same as Rebekah - if he hears us up and about very much, he won't necessarily get out of bed, but he'll call for me or for Kevin, wanting to know what's going on and thinking he's missing something! And our house is also set up in a way that there aren't many places we can be to be completely out of earshot of Julian. Until he finally goes to sleep, I've got to just keep things quiet. Some people are fortunate to have children who go to bed earlier than yours and mine do, and I think you're right, people whose children do go to bed earlier may not really understand it and may think you should be able to get Rebekah to bed earlier. I know mine just isn't wired to need a lot of sleep - he's never slept 12 hours at a stretch in his life, and he's only slept 11 hours once (and I had to go check on him, I was worried something had happened because it was so unusual! :lol: ). Usually he sleeps about 9 hours, 10 tops. And if Rebekah really doesn't require 11 or 12 hours of sleep, if she's like Julian in that regard, I know you can't force her to sleep earlier any more than I can force mine to. Sucks, I know - she's up late, and that leaves you very little time for yourself. :bighug: So I've already given my best advice for the strong-willed child - work with what you have, make bedtime (whatever time it is) as easy as it can be by setting boundaries, communicating them to Rebekah and sticking to them every night. If she's as intelligent as I think she is, things should start to improve in fairly short order. :bighug: I think it only took three or four nights of me turning the light off after the last book and leaving it off for Julian to start to clue in to the fact that resistance was futile. :lol:

Oh - and I forgot to mention - She doesn't think the nightgowns are for sleeping. She thinks they are for dress-up. I'll actually make her wear pajamas UNDER the nightgowns to keep her warm at night.

She needs to re-learn that nightgowns are nightgowns, and not for dress-up. This is re-enforcing the dressups/shoes problem you have.

As for Darren not changing his parenting style....yes it is going to have to change. That is part of the reason you are struggling with Rebekah, and it will get much worse with Daniel's arrival [as Karri stated]. Find counseling, something, but he needs to change. Or you are going to have to figure out how to do it alone. I do on the weekends. Don works until 3am on Fri/Sat nights. That means I am totally responsible for bedtime for both girls. And I have been doing it since Alexis was born, and have to say I have a pretty good routine down. So it can be done.

And not to beat a dead horse, but if timeouts have no impact on her, the only thing that will help in the attitude adjustment is to take away the dresses/shoes.

Brooke... I know that you must feel like everyone here is giving you a hard time... Please know - we arent, and I am not :hug99: If Darren wont step up, then you need to just march over to the neighbors and bring Rebekah home - maybe make a comment like "Since YOU wont be a parent... I guess I will" At least, thats something I would say :blush:


Rebekah needs to re-learn bedtime. She is up late, because thats what she knows as her bedtime routine. Every week, bring bedtime back by 15min or 30min until you get her into bed at a decent hour. Make bedtime YOUR bag for a while - and either Darren will just jump in with it... or you will have to find some other way to make him understand the value of a good night sleep for a preschooler.

Rebekah needs to learn that Mommy's rules are to be respected. Right now, she has the run of the mill over you Brooke. You do things on her terms. That's not right sweetie. She is only 3yrs old - she needs guidance, firmness, structure, right along with love. You will be surprised at how little of a battle it will be - once she sees that Mommy Means Business. Then you can go back to enjoying your child - esp important before baby #2 comes along.... you NEED to have Rebekah swung around before then... because then you are really going to be faced with stressors x2.

:hug99: Wish I were closer and could come over and help you out.

Btw - as for getting her dressed... give her 2 options... 1 - wear what Mommy has picked out... 2 - go naked everywhere. NO other options ;) Hopefully she wont bite on the naked choice :lol:

She needs to re-learn that nightgowns are nightgowns, and not for dress-up. This is re-enforcing the dressups/shoes problem you have.

As for Darren not changing his parenting style....yes it is going to have to change. That is part of the reason you are struggling with Rebekah, and it will get much worse with Daniel's arrival [as Karri stated]. Find counseling, something, but he needs to change. Or you are going to have to figure out how to do it alone.
I have to agree. Reed is fairly lax when it comes to rules, but at least he will back me up when I say it is time to do something, or for her to stop doing something.

As for you "acting like a bitch" to get Darren and Rebekah in the other night, who cares. YOUR family's sanity is better than what the neighbor thinks.

I really don't feel like everyone is giving me a hard time. I asked and alot of the advice has been very helpful.

I just know that I've tried and tried a strict bed time and I've tried moving her bedtime up and it never works for me. I can't do it by myself and I don't have any support so it just doesn't work.

Bedtime would be alot easier if she would listen and do what she's told to do. We do have a loose routine - 15-minute warning, potty, teeth, one book, then bedtime - we just don't do it at any set time of night. She knows that every night she needs to go potty but then she still fights it. She would fight it whether it would be at 8pm or 10pm.

So, I don't think bedtime is the issue. It's the fighting and not listening that's the big thing. She fights everything from brushing her hair to getting a bath, not just goes to bed. And for the most part, I don't give in on anything except the dress-ups. But that doesn't mean she doesn't put up the fight almost every day.

She's probably fighting for a couple reasons though. The main one being that she's tired. The second because she has learned that if she fights you on it..you will give in and she will win. You can do this by yourself. You don't have to pick her up you can drag her down the hallway to get your point across. You have to been firm and let her know that it's your way or no way. I strongly believe that if you get her in bed at an earlier time and she actually gets a good night rest she will eventually be easier to deal with. You just have to set the rules and not bend them. Show her that you are the mommy; not her. Darren will be Darren and you are right you can't change him. However, you can change Rebekah and you really need to do it before Daniel comes. Rebekah is a sweet little girl..she needs structure so she can shine like the true princess she is!

Whew Brooke... thats great that you are gaining alot of advice from this thread :)


Rebekah is behaving in the manner she sees around the house. Sounds to me like she is following in Darrens footsteps.

As for you doing things on your own... if you start the ball rolling... won't Darren see how hard it is on you? and step in? Someone has to step up if anything is going to change.

I actually feel bad for Rebekah for getting mixed messages from both her parents. You are trying your best to fix her attitude, Darren just feed into it :(

I dont really have any more advice/suggestions that I can offer you. :( Sounds to me like Rebekah is well set in her ways and it's going to take a joint effort from you and Darren to get things changed. OR at the VERY least - one of the 2 of you MUST stand up and take control. Rebekah rules the roost and will continue to do so, until you guys can get it together and truly implement a firm and structured routine for her. (take away dress up stuff... make it into a reward system payout - ie: stickers on a chart = dress up reward... establish a very regular and firm routine for bedtime... when she challenges you: give her 2 options... Option 1 is what YOU want to happen... Option 2 is what she DOESNT want to have happen.).

Hope things are able to improve :hug99:

I can't do it by myself and I don't have any support so it just doesn't work.

YES you can!! :bighug: Believe me.....I was in that same exact place when Alexis was born. Thinking "how the hell can I do this all by myself". I know what you are going through. Although on nights that Don is home, he helps, that is the difference between him and Darren - we are on the same page. But again, on the nights he works, It is just me. Single moms do it, so can you.....I do. And for a time I didn't think I could, but I did. You can too :cheer: I'm rooting for you.

I have to agree with Amy...there are many nights Chris doesn't come home until well after Julia goes to bed or he travels and I have her from the time she wakes to the time she goes to bed - all alone. It IS tiring but let me tell you - that just means the routine and earlier bedtime (and more sleep) need to be implemented all the more quickly!! Contrary to what one would think, children who are over-tired do NOT sleep better than children who are well-rested. Children who are over-tired get less REM sleep (the restorative portion of sleep) than those who get enough sleep. At 3 years, children should be getting about 12 hours of sleep every day and it sounds like Rebekah is no where close to that.

It sounds to me like your MAIN isse is sleep and the misbahavior stems from her lack of proper, restorative sleep. I bet you'd notice a substantial change in Rebekah by getting her on a good sleep schedule alone. I have helped lots of moms get their babies/toddler to sleep well - if I can help you too, just PM me (I have helped more than 30 moms get their kids to sleep well and my record is 100% so far!). I'm SURE you can do it, with DH or without. It WON'T be easy but it WILL work.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!! :hug99: for you!!

There are times that I have put Emma in her room and actually stood outside the door, with my hand on the knob, so she can't open it and get back out. I've stood there for 5-10 minutes before she finally stops crying and trying to open the door, gives up, and goes to bed. And every time she's been out like a light within a few minutes.

Maybe you could try that route?

It sounds to me like your MAIN isse is sleep and the misbahavior stems from her lack of proper, restorative sleep. I bet you'd notice a substantial change in Rebekah by getting her on a good sleep schedule alone. I have helped lots of moms get their babies/toddler to sleep well - if I can help you too, just PM me (I have helped more than 30 moms get their kids to sleep well and my record is 100% so far!). I'm SURE you can do it, with DH or without. It WON'T be easy but it WILL work.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!! :hug99: for you!!

Brooke, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have to agree with Suzi. Sleep is the issue and I feel her behavior problems will heal themselves with the proper amount of rest. If Rebekah is truly going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 7am, that is just 8 hours. Toddlers/Preschoolers need at least 11 hours of sleep a day. Alex is just younger than Rebekah and he sleeps 10 hours every night with a two hour nap at daycare. Yes, he has meltdowns, but nothing to the extent of what you are describing. Let Suzi help you get a good sleep routine established now for Rebekah so then you can concentrate on getting your new baby into a good routine too. It's a learning experience for all of you. But it's so important. :hug99: to you.

Brooke - I am really sorry that you are going through this, but it seriously does sound like a lot of it is stemming from sleep deprivation. Its sooooooo hard to stick to your guns, but you have to.
Aidan used to be AWFUL when it came to bedtime. We'd have to have thehouse dark and silent until he was good and asleep. Then we thought, "this is bullsh*t...this is no way to live." It was hard, but he fools around in his bed and he may ask me "what are you doin'?" a few times, but he stays in bed and goes to sleep w/ in 30 minutes. We put him to bed by 8:30 so he's asleep by 9:00. He gets about 9.5 hrs sleep a night + takes a 2 hr nap. If he doesnt, he is sassy, defiant, and just a downright pistol.

ANYWAY...YOU CAN DO IT. I have faith in you. I mange 3 kids by myself every other week while Chris is working out of state all week. It sucks, but you just get in the mindset where you *can* do it and you get into your routine. Once she starts going to bed at a reasonable hour, life will become manageable again.

Just wanted to wish you another GOOD LUCK and YOU CAN DO IT!!!

I think you need to send your original post to Dr Phil! Seriously! Darren needs a wake up call and he obviously isn't going to get it from you. He needs to be told by a professional that he is a major source in Rebekah's bad behaviour :fryingpan Do the neighbours have kids? Are their kids running around the streets till 10pm? I would not worry about what the neighbours think, you need to stand your ground and have her inside and in bed by a reasonable hour. And Darren needs a kick in the :moon2:

I agree with everyone that she isn't getting enough sleep. Preschoolers need 11-12 hours sleep a night (plus a nap). I think you would find a huge behavioural change if she was getting proper sleep.

Brooke, first let me say I am so sorry you are going through this. How awful, stressful and frustrating it must be. :hug99:

Second, my sister's husband does not back her up at all and never really has and her children are holy terrors. She gets no respect from them at all. They do not listen to her one bit and one of them is prone to full on freak out fits at the least little thing. Her life is full of stress and frustration and she still needs to be on her "happy pills" but she went off of them. You want to nip this in the bud or it will never get better.

Third, does Darren think or realize there is a problem? Because if he doesn't see a problem with her behaviour you're doomed.

I got Mason over the sleeping when it's light out because I told him it doesn't get dark in the summer only the winter. Have you tried a timer? Let Rebekah AND Darren know when the timer goes off Rebekah has to come in, and put it where they can hear it.

Does she have to have a bath every night? I don't give one to Mason every night, because sometimes it just isn't necessary. Also on the toothbrushing. I have been known to have a boy who is lying on the floor yelling and carrying on, get his teeth brushed in a much more forceful and harsh fashion than would otherwise ever have occurred if he had just done what I told him. After he's done choking and spitting, he soon realizes (because I keep telling him) life would have been easier and none of this had to occur had he listened.

Mason normally gets a pretty good sleep but will still sometimes have a meltdown in the morning over who knows what. I actually told him one day that I was taking him to school naked if he didn't get dressed right then. He refused to cooperate so I picked him up naked took him to the fridge and asked what colour yogurt he wanted to bring to school. That got him all excited to get dressed, let me tell you.

Again, my sympathies to you and if you don't get this solved soon, you will have two problem children. :hug99:

Brooke, good luck.

Do the neighbours have kids? Are their kids running around the streets till 10pm? .

Only the one across the street has a child and she's 13 and she's only there part time (every other week). Depending on what's on TV at 8pm, she's either in the house or she's outside until 9pm or later.

Otherwise, no, none of them have kids. 2 of the couples are older (in their 50's) and the last one is struggling with infertility and starting treatments this month. They all thought I was so anti-social when we moved in because I had to stay inside with an infant while DH visited or worked outside. It's only been recently, like the past year, that Rebekah has let me be outside when everyone else is out there. And then I get to start all over again with a new infant in October. :(

Well you have had some great advice so far so I don't know if I will be able to add much. My husband is a pilot and works a week on/week off schedule.. meaning the week of work he is not home at all. So I have to deal with Lauren completely on my own. A rule/standard we set from the get go is when my husband comes home for his week off he just goes with the flow and stays out of the way when it comes to Lauren and her schedule. Basically, either contribute to what I normally do with her or stay out of the way. That way, nothing changes and she isn't getting mixed messages and I don't go insane. You CAN do it alone, I promise. You may just have to say to your husband, this is what I am going to do and just pretend he isn't there. When it is time for Rebekah to come in at night, I wouldn't say a word to him, I would just go and get her and bring her in. Even if she is kicking and screaming. I know it may seem harder to be doing it ALL on your own but once you have Rebekah in her routine and she is getting enough sleep, it will ALL be so much easier and you will have done it all by yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!!

They all thought I was so anti-social when we moved in because I had to stay inside with an infant while DH visited or worked outside. It's only been recently, like the past year, that Rebekah has let me be outside when everyone else is out there. And then I get to start all over again with a new infant in October. :(

That sucks. It was a similar situation for us when we moved in, too. Someone had to stay in w/ Aidan. Not to mention, i wanted to get settled in our house before I couldnt do it anymore (being PG w/ the twins at the time). So Chris was out socializing and meeting our neighbors, and I was the bitchy wife :rolleyes: I finally put the smackdown on it, though. Not that I minded socializing, but I told him we were both parents and I expected help with the bedtime business and whatnot. I was a bitch to him about it and he changed.

Big hugs to you Brooke.

AS for you being the anti-social bitchy wife, I am in that category as well. But it actually doesn't bother me a bit. I'm a mom, this is the stage we are at, and so if the neighbors don't understand, screw them. I had some neighbors come by the house unannounced when Rayna was just a few weeks old. I said Hi at the door, but didn't let them in to visit. I don't think they have spoken to me since. Even though I was wearing Rayna in her Bjorn and told them I was reeling from being a new mom.

One thing about the sleeping and having to be quiet, I just wanted to ask if you have some sort of white noise in her room? We still turn on the humidifier in Rayna's room for every nap and nighttime. Not for humidity (we don't even have water in it) but b/c it has a nice loud fan. It really helps to block out every little noise we make. Very soothing.

Lastly.....how would you feel about having Darren read this thread? Even though we are not Dr. Phil, maybe hearing that he is not pulling his weight from a bunch of different folks may help?

I just wanted you to know that we all support you, think you are a great mom, and will do whatever we can to help!

Sandy

I guess if the neighbors want to visit me, then will just come to me now. It was harder before because we didn't know any of them since we'd just moved (Rebekah was 6 months old). So Darren got to meet everyone and I didn't get to meet anyone.

Rebekah has a fish tank and a ceiling fan running in her room. At this point, she's used to it being quiet so it's hard to add in something else to the mix. When she was younger it might have worked but I'm not sure what would happen now. I'm afraid it would just freak her out at first. She gets upset if one little thing isn't right - like if the fish tank light is burned out or if her closet isn't closed just right.

I thought about having Darren read this thread but then I thought it would just make him mad so I changed my mind.

We've managed to fall into a bathtime solution - she has asked to take showers. :dunno: She actually WANTS to take a shower every night now. On Wednesday, she took two! :lol: She asked when she got home from my mom's and then she asked when we got home from shopping. How can you tell a kid they can't take a shower? The second one I told her she had 3 minutes to wash and she was fine when I said time was up.

She's also been in bed by 9:30pm every night this week (and has slept until 7:15am). She still fights some but not too bad. For some reason she started crying when Darren tried to make her go potty last night but she kept saying he wouldn't let her go. I think he's just too forceful sometimes and she gets upset.

And....for some reason, she hasn't asked for any dress-ups. So weird. She's asked for dresses - like sun dresses, which are fine with me - but no nightgowns or dress-ups that I don't want her to wear out of the house. I've managed to get her to wear ok shoes, too. I did let her wear dress shoes with a dress when we went shopping but that was ok. They weren't the plastic dress-up shoes.

She really confuses me sometimes.

Oh Brooke things do get better it really will pass and she will have a new hang up later on. I can see it coming a battle about the baby, I don't mean to be mean or rude but with all the things you have been telling us this will be the next blow up. I hope you and dh are talking to her about the new baby and that he will need lots of special care and extra love but that she will still have the same love that she had before the baby. SOme children will act out before and after a new baby comes. My ds was the "only baby" and than his sister came into the picture. THey are the best of friends, but after a week he was ready to give her back to the hospital.:lol: When is your new baby coming? Have a little lunch party with her and have a baby doll there too, explain that her new brother will be coming soon and does she have any questions for you.

Good luck and again not trying to be rude or mean, but new baby could be some of the reasons for the behavior problems too.:hug1:

We talk about the baby coming all the time. She knows he's coming. Every day she asks me if he's still in my belly and when will he be here. That's part of the reason I want to start getting his room ready as soon as possible (we have to do some major rearranging of our house). I think having things set up for him early and not having a mad rush close to the end will help her adjust better.

I'm due Oct 15th.

It's only been recently, like the past year, that Rebekah has let me be outside when everyone else is out there.

What does this mean Brooke? Rebekah LETS you be outside? You are the parent! You must take control away from her.

Brooke,
I am coming from a different view, but it is just something to think about.
My son has a lot of sensory issues, and I have noticed it has affected every area of his life. Maybe Rebekah has some with certain clothing/textures/colors. Have you thought about just getting her evaluated? Does she have trouble paying attention?
With the dress up clothing: Does it bother you when she wears them out? Are you worried about her being warm? or are the items see through? Does it embarrass you? I see kids all the time in dress up clothing walking in stores, etc. My favorite was my brother though, he used to dress up as batman :) This would probably be a battle I would not fight, I would save my energy for the sleep issues. It is probably just a phase, and honestly...I would just enjoy it for now. There will be a time when she will not want to dress like a princess :)
For the shoes: I believe in logical consequences. So I would probably just let her wear the shoes and let her get blisters. Of course I would try to get her to wear another kind of shoes, but if it did not work, I would just let her wear the slippers. Or I would say you can wear the glass slippers, but you have to sit in a stroller to wear them. Or if you went to the playground and she was having trouble climbing, etc., I would tell her we would have to leave because she made the decision to wear those shoes.
Sleeping: This is where I would not budge. I would start a new bedtime routine for her. Dinner, shower, brushing teeth, books, and bed by 8pm. In her room I would put total black out shades and I would probably also do them in every window she would see during this part of the routine. Then I would do one of two things: if I was open to co-sleeping I would lay down with her. If not (we don't co-sleep), I would put her in bed tell her goodnight and leave. When she comes out kicking and screaming, I would tell her we need to go to bed and she need to stay in bed. I would do this a couple of times, then I would stop talking to her and just every time she comes out of the room I would put her back into bed under the covers. The first night would suck, but I promise it will get better. I have seen it work on Supernanny many times :)
Most importantly stick to whatever routine you have and if you give her a punishment, follow through. Would your husband be open to going to counseling to discuss your parenting? If not, I would tell him that you are in charge of the routine from dinner on and if he can not help out with the routine, then he can leave for a couple of hours at night.
I have read your other posts from around the boards, and you are a wonderful mom and it is obvious you love this little princess very much. I wish you the best of luck, and remember we are all here for support.

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It's only been recently, like the past year, that Rebekah has let me be outside when everyone else is out there.



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What does this mean Brooke? Rebekah LETS you be outside? You are the parent! You must take control away from her.

Becky, you took the words right out of my mouth! Rebekah shouldn't let YOU do anything. You are the mother, and you have to show who's in control. By letting her do that, that's how she will get away in controlling you and the family.

Anyway Brooke, I'm so sorry your dealing with this...and dealing with this by yourself too. :hug99: It also makes it worse that Darren is not on your side. You both should be working TOGETHER on this. It's almost like he does his own thing without any regard to times, rules, etc. I think you and him need to sort things out before baby comes. Whether it's with an outside party or with yourselves, something has to give because if not, I will really feel for you dealing with a newborn plus Rebekah. :hug99:

You must stick to your guns at all costs. I know it's easier giving in sometimes or not being consistent one day, instead of dealing with her behaviour, etc. But essentially more damage is being done. She's still young enough where if you show her that you mean business NOW and putting your foot down and showing her who's in control, that there is still a chance. A chance on her changing and start giving you more respect, etc. and not trying to pull one over on you. The older she gets it's only going to get worse. Like others have said, try to nip it in the bud now.

Oh, and as for the sleeping....try, try, try to put her to bed earlier. Even if it's by 15-20 min. earlier each night to get her to a 'normal' bedtime of let's say 8 or 8:30 pm. By doing it gradual like that may be easier than suddenly putting her to bed earlier by 3 hrs., ya know? Does she watch tv before she goes to bed? If she does maybe she shouldn't. I feel that it maybe wires some kids up. Some feel it winds them down, but I don't know...with all the stimulation and movement on the screen I think it can do more damage than good. But we're not here to discuss or debate that...I just wanted to ask you and maybe put a perspective on something. :)

Good luck Brooke! :bighug:

What does this mean Brooke? Rebekah LETS you be outside? You are the parent! You must take control away from her.
Not outside - just outside with the neighbors.

We live in Maryland. It gets cold here. She didn't like being outside in the winter until this past year. So she and I stayed in while the neighbors were out shovelling snow and socializing. Once she started to walk, she didn't want to stay outside and talk with adults. She's 3. Since she started to walk, she gets bored without anything to occupy her. I have to take care of her. I can't just let her run around without supervision. If I were here posting that I left her in my yard to play while I went to socialize with the neighbors at THEIR house, you all would be having a field day over that.

My neighbors don't have children. There is nothing for her to do at their houses. No swing sets, no toys. Therefore I need to do things that SHE enjoys where she enjoys them. I can't force her to sit and listen to us talk. If you can, then you must have some really angelic children.

I'm sorry, but this isn't a control thing. It's me tending to the needs and wants of my child. She's a child, not a miniature adult.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shannon - we've had her evaluated. She doesn't have any sensory or attention issues. She's just a very intelligent 3-year-old. She does bounce from activity to activity but only because they aren't challenging enough, not because she lacks the attention span.

The dress-ups don't embarass me at all. I actually don't mind if she wears them everywhere as long as she wears normal shoes. Sure, it gets old, but it makes her happy and it makes people smile while we're out. There are just some times, though, that she needs to wear normal clothes - like to art class, or playgroup, or the park, or to play at the mall. Bad weather days and laundry days, too. That's when we have the trouble.

And yes, she watches TV before bed but it actually helps her to wind down because she stays in one place. When she gets very tired, she moves faster and keeps moving so by watching TV she actually calms down and relaxes.

I didn't ask any questions about TV so I think you were responding to someone else :) I always watched and still watch TV to help me fall asleep :) Maybe try to find a video about relaxing or falling asleep or lullabyes.

Don't have any suggestions on a highly intelligent child :) Since it is not a sensory or ADD behavior, then I dont know what I would do in that situation. I am reading the book PET (parent effectiveness training) right now and I HIGHLY recommend it for discipline.

I love seeing the kids in target all dressed up in their ballet costumes. It just makes me smile :) Last week a little girl came up to me in a princess ballgown with a fairy wand and ask me if I need some pixie dust :)

good luck with whatever you decide to do. The only advise I would offer is to pick and choose your battles...especially for your own sanity.

BTW: do you watch nanny 911 or supernanny? I think they have some great ideas.

I didn't take your comment about Rebekah not letting you outside as a control thing on her part, I took it as you staying inside to tend to her needs :)

I think that Shannon is right, you need to pick your battles. I still stick by my earlier comments that she is tired though. If I were you, I'd work on making bedtime earlier and see if that makes a difference.

Just wanted to offer even more HUGS!!!!!

I do have to agree with many other posters that she isn't getting enough sleep. Only sleeping from 10-6 isn't enough for ME! LOL

Earlier you said that you thought about letting Darren read this thread, but decided not to because he would get mad. In my opinion, we aren't using this thread to bash him to bits, we are just telling you that he needs to help. If this thread would open his eyes to that, maybe you should let him read this! Sure, he will probably be angry, but remember that anger will probably be directed at himself if he has that much self awareness.

I do absolutely understand about being alone with getting things done. My husband works at least 70-80 hours a week. He only sees Katie about an hour a day (in the morning) so the rest of the time, it is all me. It will be hard, but you can do this all by yourself.

Good luck!!!

hoping things are getting better for you :)

Thanks, Shannon.

Things are ok. She got out of the dress-ups for a few days but now she's asking for them. It doesn't bother me too much because she's now asking to wear regular clothes, too. I think the dress-ups are too hot right now. I've started having her pick out what clothes she wants to wear every day again so that's helping.

This has lead to our newest issue - changing her clothes TOO much. :lol: She hates to be sweaty ("fwetty") and she will change her clothes 3-4 times a day because of that. And any time her panties feel damp she has to change them too. At least she's got on clean panties, right? :lol:

Another thing that's helping with the shoes issue is that she doesn't like wet grass on her feet. So when she asks to wear glass slippers in the morning, I remind her that she can't wear them outside the house and then also remind her that the grass is wet and she doesn't like that. So she opts for tennis shoes.

Our biggest struggle right now is still going to bed. I have managed to get her into bed by 9:30pm every night for a week but she has still been awake as late as 11:30pm on some of those nights. She hasn't gone right to sleep all week. There's nothing I can do about that, though. It just drives me crazy.

Sounds like things are getting better. Even though she's not going right to sleep at 9:30 she is resting and that's better than watching tv or stimulating her little self. KWIM? I am so glad that things are getting better!!

Brooke, I'm glad things are going a little bit better! :justahug: I know how you feel about the bedtime, though. Ugh. Julian actually was asleep by 8:30 both Saturday and Sunday nights after taking no nap either day, but he got a 2 1/2 hour nap in daycare on Monday and was up until 10:00. :banghead: I'd love it if they'd just let him skip the nap at school - that would help me a lot! :lol:

I am so glad things are getting better Brooke! As far as the changing clothes things goes, I would say pick your battles and don't let that be one! Which is sounds like what you are doing. Very smart about the reminding he about the grass and her slippers!!
And you are right about the sleeping, if she doesn't fall asleep there is nothing you can do. I would say eliminate the tv since I am sure that is helping keep her awake but since she is used to it and its been her source of winding down for awhile that would be tough.

Hi Brooke, I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear from again, but I just received this article and thought I would share.




<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=whiteOnPink width="80%">How to help your preschooler establish healthy sleep habits

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</TD></TR><TR><TD class=whiteOnPink vAlign=bottom>By the ParentCenter editorial staff


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• Typical sleep at this age (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64939.html?ccRelLink=&url=%2Frefcap%2Fpreschooler%2Fpsleep%2F63721.html&xTopic=psleep&bus=content#0)
• What you can do to help your child establish good sleep habits (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64939.html?ccRelLink=&url=%2Frefcap%2Fpreschooler%2Fpsleep%2F63721.html&xTopic=psleep&bus=content#1)
• Potential pitfalls (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64939.html?ccRelLink=&url=%2Frefcap%2Fpreschooler%2Fpsleep%2F63721.html&xTopic=psleep&bus=content#2)
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Typical sleep at this age
Between the ages of 2 and 4, kids need about 11 hours of sleep a night and a single one- to three-hour nap (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/63771.html) each afternoon. Most children this age go to bed between 7 and 9 p.m. and wake up between 6:30 and 8 a.m. But while it may seem that your preschooler's sleep patterns are finally starting to resemble yours, she actually spends more time than you do in the REM (rapid eye movement, or dreaming) stage of sleep, and will until she's about 4. Also, since she makes more transitions from REM sleep to non-REM sleep, your preschooler wakes during the night more often than you do. That's why, if she hasn't already, it's so important for your child to learn how to soothe herself back to sleep after these frequent night wakings. (For more on sleep patterns at various ages, see our chart. (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64915.html))

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What you can do to help your child establish good sleep habits
If your preschooler is a poor sleeper (and even if she's not) these techniques will help her get a better night's rest:

• Pick — and stick to — a set bedtime. Put your child to bed at the same time every night — ideally at 7:30 or 8 p.m. (Many parents, especially those who work outside the home, balk at such an early bedtime — but unless your child can and does snooze until 8 a.m. every day, a 9 p.m. bedtime will deprive her of much-needed sleep.) This will help her internal clock stay on track and make it easier for her to fall asleep easily and quickly at bedtime. Staying up too late or going to bed at a different time each night, on the other hand, will cause your preschooler to become overtired — which, paradoxically, makes it harder for her to settle down and get to sleep.

• Develop a consistent bedtime routine. Establish a nightly routine that includes three or four soothing activities, such as taking a bath, changing into pajamas, and http://www.babycenter.com/i/cart_sm.gifreading stories (http://store.babycenter.com/category/toys_books_and_music/library_baby_toddler/bedtime_books). The bedtime ritual should be the exact same every night, so your child can anticipate each activity. If she tends to stall when getting ready for bed, make a preferred activity (such as a favorite book or a special song) the last thing on the agenda before lights out or give your child a special sticker for getting into bed when she should, so she has some incentive to get through the rest of the routine. The entire bedtime routine should generally last between 30 and 45 minutes. If you find your routine dragging on for an hour or more, take steps to trim it back a bit: A couple of stories are fine, but not chapter after chapter of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. Also make sure the routine heads in one direction — to bed. If you bring your child upstairs for a bath, for instance, don't bring her back downstairs to say goodnight to the family pet when she's done. Instead, head to the bedroom for pajamas and storytime.

• Anticipate all her requests and include them in her nightly routine. Your youngster may start trying to put off bedtime by wheedling for "just one more" — story, song, glass of water, and so on. Instead of growing increasingly exasperated, try to anticipate all of her usual (and reasonable) requests and make them part of the bedtime routine. Then allow your child one extra request — but make it clear that one is the limit. She'll feel like she's getting her way, but you'll know you're really getting yours. • Move her into a big bed and pile on the praise when she stays in it. If she hasn't outgrown it already, your child will likely make the transition from crib to bed (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/expert/preschooler/psleep/69839.html) soon. The arrival of a new sibling can also prompt the decision; so if you're expecting a second or subsequent child, plan to move your toddler out of her crib at least six to eight weeks before her sibling arrives, so that she's well ensconced in her new bed before the baby takes over "her" crib. If the switch doesn't go well, though, it's okay to put it off until the baby is 3 or 4 months old. Your newborn will probably spend those months sleeping in a bassinet, anyway, and your older child will have a chance to get used to her sibling, making the crib-to-bed transition easier when it finally happens. Other reasons to make the move to a big bed include jumping out of the crib and toilet training (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/pc/preschooler/ptoilet/) — your child may need to get up at night to go to the bathroom.

Once she's using her new bed, be sure to praise your preschooler when she stays in it at bedtime and overnight. After the confinement of her crib, she may initially get out of her big-kid bed over and over just because she can. When your child gets up, temper your reaction. Simply take her back to bed, gently but firmly tell her that it's time to go to sleep, and leave. • Give her an extra goodnight kiss or tuck-in. It's okay to promise your child one more goodnight kiss after you've tucked her in the first time. Tell her you'll be back to check on her in a few minutes. Chances are, she'll be fast asleep by the time you return.

Potential pitfalls
If your preschooler starts getting up more often once she graduates to a big bed, tuck her back in and bid her a firm goodnight. If she still won't stay in bed, click here (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64933.html) for strategies to help you deal with her night wanderings.

Another widespread sleep problem at this age: resistance to bedtime. You can help ease the problem by anticipating and managing your child's before-bed requests. Realistically, though, no preschooler runs happily to bed every night, so be prepared for a few struggles. For some ideas that might help, click here (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/63721.html).

Finally, you've probably noticed that your child has some new nighttime worries (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64080.html) these days. Being afraid of the dark, monsters under the bed, or separation from you is common in the preschool set, so don't be too concerned. Fears are part of your child's normal development. If she starts having nightmares (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/psleep/64922.html), go to her right away and talk to her about her dream while you calm her down; if the bad dreams persist, look for sources of anxiety (http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/pdevelopment/64004.html) in her daily life. Most sleep experts agree that if your child is truly terrified, it's okay to let her into your bed every once in a while, too.



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Glad some things are starting to get better.

Wow Brooke! Good for you! You have made such progress, you should be so proud of yourself!
Even if she is not asleep, she is in bed and soon enough she will start to get tired earlier and earlier. Next week maybe you can try 9:15, instead of 9:30 :)

Hi Brooke, I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear from again, but I just received this article and thought I would share.

Becky - I don't hold a grudge. Really. Don't worry about it.

Thanks for the article. I haven't gotten to read it yet, though.