College expectations: on you and your kids

[Alyssa]

With all the talk on the news about the new SAT (a major pre-college exam in the US, for those who don't know) I was thinking about my expectations for my kids and college.

For me, it was never even a consideration not to go to college - my parents always had the expectation for me that I would go and I never even thought about not going. I feel the same way for my kids.

I wonder - how was it for you? And what do you expect for your kids? If you did go to college, do you think it was just because you were expected to or did you want to? If you didn't go, do you think you might have if your parents expected you to?

[~Andrea~]

I voted other. I'm not sure it was really *expected* that I had to go. It was my decision and I think the way I felt about school my parents just knew I would go.

As for my kids, I'd hope they will go to college, but it won't be *expected* per se.

[Amy]

It was an expectation for us...we just always assumed we'd go to college. In DH's family, it was the opposite. He had phenomenal grades in high school and his family lived right on the poverty line...he should've been able to go to any state college on all kinds of scholarships and grants. However, his mom's attitude was "college isn't for people like us" and his high school guidance counselor just assumed he'd drive a concrete truck like his dad. :blue:

Thankfully, he KNEW he wanted more out of life, and he started college in secret at night before he moved to Indy and got a job with tuition benefits. He got his BS in 2003 in Business Management, and I am so proud of him! We expect our kids to go to college as well, and they will be expected to get high grades and qualify for scholarships.

Not only are the SAT's getting tougher, but Indiana now requires passing of a GQE (Graduation Qualifying Exam), and without that, you only get a 'certificate of completion', NOT a diploma. Also, Indiana is getting ready to adopt a Core 40 requirement to get that diploma, so it's going to be a lot tougher.

[Alyssa]

Wow Amy - that's all very interesting. Good for Darrell! :)

One more question for people...did you feel "peer pressure" one way or the other? So if most of your friends were going to college, did you feel you had to go to? Or if none of them were going, did you feel you didn't have to go either?

[TtownAnne]

I was not expected to go to college - when I started bringing home brochures and stuff in high school, and talking about the SAT and things like that, my parents were honestly astonished. They had no inkling I would have a reason to be interested, and hence had saved no money for the occasion. I made decent grades, but not enough to qualify for scholarships, and I was the wrong color for many of them, too (word for word told this by the scholarship interviewer, so please don't accuse *me* of racism) I was accepted to every college I applied to, and held out hope until mid-August of that year that somehow, some way, my fairy godmother would appear and make it possible. By August, however, I had to accept my fate and find a full-time job.

I will definitely HOPE my child goes to college.

[Clare]

I hope my kids will finish high school and go to university. I definitely don't expect it though and would never put pressure on them.

I think it was assumed that I would go to university b/c my older brother and sister did and I made good grades. But I didn't have any interest in it at the time. I was done with studying after high school and went straight into the workforce. My parents did not pressure me in any way and accepted the path that I chose for myself. If I had been forced to get scholarships or attend university I would have resented it and probably failed. I will take the same attitude with my children that my parents did with me.

[AahRee]

It was a forgone conclusion that I was going to college, from birth on. :lol: I have the same expectation for Katie, although Phil says he's fine with it if she chooses not to go. I don't want to put an obscene amount of pressure on her or anything, but I'll always refer to college as something she's going to do - I couldn't make myself think otherwise if I tried!

[Joan]

I was not expected to go to college, but I knew I wanted to go to college, and had to do it myself. I was going to be the first college graduate in my family, but my DAD beat me by 1 week!

I want my children to go to college, but, it has to be their choice. Even being educators (my husband and I). We will be ok if they choose not to go. I just hope they find a passion in life, and can make enough to live on!

[Brookamy]

I was not really expected to go to college. I was the first one in my family to graduate...my younger brother went too. I do expect Lindsey to go. I hope that she has that expectation of herself, I guess. :nod:

[Nocona]

I voted other. I'm not sure it was really *expected* that I had to go. It was my decision and I think the way I felt about school my parents just knew I would go.

As for my kids, I'd hope they will go to college, but it won't be *expected* per se.

Ditto!

My brother and sister were never "into" school so my parents never expected them to go or want to go (and they didn't).

[Mrs.Greevy]

yeah for me it was not "if you go to college" it was "what college can you get into"

I never even thought for a minute that I would not be going to college even from the time I was really little, and I have the same expectation on my girls.

[Dawn]

My parents never forced the issue at all and we were not expected to go. The choice was ours to make. Myself, and my 3 other sisters all started out going to a community college. We all got our associates degree. We paid for this ourselves. Then from there me and my other sister were done. And my other 2 sisters continued on (one of which is still going...working on her masters!).

For me, it wasn't really my college background that made me have a good career, it was my previous experience from working at the same ins. co. for a great while that really advanced me in the business field, because I worked my way up the corporate ladder, so to speak. Sure, I learned shorthand in college, which I'm very proud of and am so glad I learned it....but for me, it was my years of experience in the work field that made me succeed like I did. :)

Sure, we would love our girls to go to college. But ultimately, the choice is theirs. We do not want to make them feel pressured. We want them to go to school because THEY want to, not because they feel we want them to go, kwim?

If they choose to go to college...that'll be fine. If they choose not to go to college, that'll be fine too. We just hope they find something they enjoy doing that they can make enough money for themselves. :)

[Karri]

hmn...I think my situation was similar to Andrea's. My parents would have never forced me to go, but I knew they wanted me to go and I knew I wanted to go. My youngest brother has been in college 2x now and keeps "taking a break" :rolleyes: I doubt he'll finish at this point in time. He's just not the college type right now.

I hope to hell my kids want to go, but I would never force them to go, either. But then again, I don't plan on entirely financing my children's education.......

[~Andrea~]

Ditto!

My brother and sister were never "into" school so my parents never expected them to go or want to go (and they didn't).

:lol: My brother wasn't into school either. He's VERY smart, but he hated school. He joined the Marine's because he didn't want to go to college (and was headed in a very bad way if he didn't do something). He did go to community college (paid for by the Marine Corp :aok: ) when he got out, but he didn't finish and instead joined my dad's local union (as did DH).

[Brooke]

I was told I was going to college and I didn't have a choice. Of course, my parents had not saved any money for it, and, like Anne, I was the wrong color for the scholarships even though I was 3rd out of 330 in my high school graduating class, so I had to get loans. And I still owe quite a bit on my loans and I pay every month as scheduled.

I do expect my children to go to college, too. And we have already started saving for it.

[harmonielyn]

I was not expected to go to college, heck I was the only one in my family to graduate highschool. It would be nice if my children went to college but I wont be upset if they choose a different path.

[kim]

i am one of 5 children and i was pretty much the only one 'expected' to go to college. i had the best grades of the five, my mom sent me to catholic high school, 2 of the others went to vo-tech and the other 2 went to town h.s.

i am the only one who did go to a 4yr college and graduate. i went to a state university and my parents paid for it, at the time ('84-88) it was pretty cheap, less than 5k a year.

-sister did 1yr community college, got pg and dropped out.
-brother #2 did almost 2yrs comm. college and dropped out just shy of his degree. he did enter a union apprenticeship program though. he makes big $$ now as a sheetmetal worker.
-brother #1 is also a union sheetmetal worker (i should mention my dad was too? :lol: )
-baby brother #3. ahhhh, the funky one. dropped out of comm. college without informing my parents who btw were footing the bill. currently a bike messenger in downtown boston. plays in a band, dresses like a hobo, lots of tattoos, you know the type. :lol:

i do expect my kids to go. and pay for it themselves :lol:.

[Michele]

It was expected of me to go to college, both by my parents and by my peers/teachers/school...something like 97% of graduates from my HS enroll in a 4 year college after HS. I honestly never thought it was even an option not to go...

That being said, I do expect my children to go and will pay for as much of it as I can afford. I will require them to pay for some of it, only b/c I feel that if you are paying for it you are more motivated to actually go to class and stuff. I actually do want to pressure them a little to go. I don't want to put too much pressure on where, but I do want them to know it is expected.

Although I do expect them to go, I do think that if they are not ready right after HS I would support them in taking a year off to decide what they want. This was never an option for me and I think I would have benefitted by taking a year off. I was totally clueless about what I wanted to do when I started college and sort of floundered for the first 2 years (I had 5 majors in that time! :lol: ).

[Nichole]

Another one that voted like Andrea did. My parents never told us they expected us to go, it was just assumed. We never thought we wouldn't go; we always thought that's just what you do after you graduate from high school. :dunno: I think maybe because both of my parents went to college, we assumed that's what we would do, too.

We won't force our boys to go to college, but I really hope that they do go. I just feel that it opens up so many more opportunities and you learn so many things in addition to what you learn in the classroom. We will help pay for it as well.

[Cortney]

I was definitely expected to go. I would hope my kids will go, but I'm not going to force it- college just isn't for some people.

[Shel]

It was never really talked about in our house, but I guess it was just assumed. My parents were so big on making A's only that I guess they were preparing us for college, then conveniently when I got scholarships informed me they had no money to help me pay for college :rolleyes: Of course, I got pg with Kaleb and lost my scholarship so that was worthless. I did eventually end up going (twice)

We've told the boys they HAVE to get a degree. I don't care if they get at least a 2 year degree in underwater basket weaving. They have watched us struggle and I want them to be able to have something to fall back on. We've made the rule that living at home is rent free as long as they are in school. If they drop out, they have to pay rent or move out. (I'm so mean)

[jstauffer]

I was expected to go, so I went. It was never "optional" in my mind. DH grew up the same way.

However our kids will not be "expected" to go. I'd like them to go, and I hope we'll be able to help them financially if they choose to go. But if they're really not interested, I'm not going to force the issue. DH and I are in total agreement on this one.

[Brooke]

We've made the rule that living at home is rent free as long as they are in school. If they drop out, they have to pay rent or move out. (I'm so mean)

That's the way it was for me.

[Karri]

I also want to add that if they do go, by all means, I will support their decision to go whereever they want to go. My parents were pissy about me even going to school 40 minutes away (yep- i moved out and into the dorms), but it was a grand experience. It was part of growing up for me and glad it was a part of my life, though I kick myself every day for NOT going further away just b/c they didnt want me to. KWIM? I will never do that to my kids!

[Michele]

I also want to add that if they do go, by all means, I will support their decision to go whereever they want to go. My parents were pissy about me even going to school 40 minutes away (yep- i moved out and into the dorms), but it was a grand experience. It was part of growing up for me and glad it was a part of my life, though I kick myself every day for NOT going further away just b/c they didnt want me to. KWIM? I will never do that to my kids!

I agree with this! I had HUGE issues with my father b/c he really wanted me to go to a Catholic school AWAY from my current boyfriend. I had actually sent in my deposit to Stonehill College and was all set to attend there when I thought about it and got really pissed off. Unknown to my parents I sent my own deposit in to one of the two non-Catholic schools I had applied to, UVM(which also happened to be about 15 minutes from the boyfriend :lol: ). So I accepted admission to 2 schools and my parents were PISSED! They made me go to both orientations so I could decide "with a clear head" which school I would go to. I ended up picking UVM over Stonehill...my Dad still gives me shit about this!

So...I will never do this to my children...I will let them go where ever they want and support them in that decision even if I think it is the wrong one. They have to learn to make their own decisions and I wouldn't want them to resent me later in life for pushing my opinions on them.

(I really need to print this out and save it to read when Jackson is 18!)

[Nichole]

I also want to add that if they do go, by all means, I will support their decision to go whereever they want to go. My parents were pissy about me even going to school 40 minutes away (yep- i moved out and into the dorms), but it was a grand experience. It was part of growing up for me and glad it was a part of my life, though I kick myself every day for NOT going further away just b/c they didnt want me to. KWIM? I will never do that to my kids!

ITA with this, too! I think a very large part of the college experience is being away on your own and learning how to be an adult and be responsible for yourself. (That, and the parties. :awink: ) However, I will hope that they decide to go to an in-state school, since we'll be footing part of the bill. :lol:

[Clare]

I would hope my kids will go, but I'm not going to force it- college just isn't for some people.

ITA! I can't see forcing an unwilling child to go to college. What are they going to learn if they don't want to be there? How will they get a degree if they are not going to study for it?

A question for those who say their children must attend college - if your child turns out to be an outstanding sportsman and can make heaps of money doing that, will you let them pursue their dream of say joining the grand slam tennis tour at 16 and making millions or will you force them to go to college instead? (not trying to start an argument, just wondering why a "degree" is so important to some people.)

[gulp!]

I was expected to go to college, as was DH. It never even crossed my mind that I might not. We will expect our kids to go to college as well, but you can't really "force" someone to do anything, so we won't force it. DH and I have both been pretty successful in our careers, and I'd like my kids to be successful in theirs, whatever it is they choose to pursue. We're also planning on paying for most, if not all of college. If they choose not to go, they're not getting ANY of that money.

If my kid has the talent to go pro in some sport, I'd fully support it, with the caveat that they must work on a degree at the same time. At some point, the physical talent will fade, and they're going to need a backup plan.

[Carmen]

I was always told that I was going to college. My parents never talked to me about *where* I would go, and my high school (which was a "college prep" school) didn't do much to share information either. I went to a state college, which was fine, but now I sometimes I wish that I had gone somewhere that presented a little more of a challenge. (Graduate school took care of that though!) :lol:

Interestingly enough, my older brother was *never* encouraged to go to college. My parents always assumed that since he had learning disabilities, that he couldn't do it, so they pushed him toward a trade school. I am more proud of him for getting his AA degree on his own than I am of myself for getting a master's!

I will definitely expect my child to go to college.

[Suzi]

I was not "expected" to go to college, rather it was a value with which I was raised. Education was highly prized in my house, even though neither my parents nor my two sisters went to college. I started dreaming/thinking/talking about college when I started high school and it NEVER crossed my mind not to go! In the end, it took me NINE years to graduate, the last two years I worked full-time and went to school full-time and as far as personal accomplishments, it is my proudest.

That said, my DH does NOT have a college degree and he is from a family of highly educated people. Sadly, at a young 35, not having a college degree will haunt him the rest of his life. He has been passed over for jobs for which he is OVERqualified all because he lacks that piece of paper. Professionally, he is not treated with the same respect as he would be if he HAD a degree.

As for Julia, she will be raised with the value that education is first and foremost. I pray that like me, she will not feel an "expectation" from her parents, rather that her desire to be educated is borne from her own inner desires. :crossfing

[Nanley]

It was always assumed that my brother and I would go to college. Both our parents have advanced degrees, so higher education was as natural to them as high school. I have no doubt that if either of us had not wanted to go, they would have supported us (as long as we had some sort of plan), but they probably would have been surprised.

Along those same lines, that's pretty much how I feel about college for John. It's hard for me to imagine him not wanting to go, but if he doesn't, I'll be okay with it.

Clare, you ask a good question. When I was younger, I would have said that they should go to college before pursuing any sort of athletic career, because they'd need something to fall back on. I realized I'd changed my feelings on the subject a few years ago when a friend of my BIL's had a realistic possibility of being drafted by the Yankees. If John's dream is to play in the major leagues (or whatever other sport), and he really has the talent to make it possible, I would absolutely support him in doing that. If it doesn't work out, he can always go to college afterward. But I wouldn't expect/force/request him to do both at the same time.

(That said, I was just talking about this with DH the other day, and I hate the idea of John going into a career where it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that he'll have to have multiple surgeries over the course of his career just to stay in it. Still, I would fully support it.)

[Dawn]

I just wanted to say that in some cases, it's not all about the 'piece of paper' (ie: college degree). My DH has NO college experience....he did go to a trade school for welding and earned a certificate after 10 mos. or a year. So he has THAT (welding) to fall back on. He is making big money in his field (Union Ironworker) having no college education (but he did have to go through a 3-yr. apprenticeship). So it's not only about the white collar field, but in blue collar trades you can make just as much money if not more (in his case he is) than pple with degrees. I'm not trying to make a comparison, just to let you know that something like this, can surely happen....that you can have no college experience and still make more than someone with a degree and have a job that you are well-respected in. :)

It's possible that maybe some pple would rather go to a vocational school or hands-on training school as well, instead of going to school for 4 yrs. or whatever. For those that are really 'for college' and a degree, how would you feel if your child wanted to take this route?

[Carmen]

Dawn- I've been saying the same thing for the last few years, after finding out that carpenters make more than I will *ever* make as a teacher!

I think it is a shame that so many high schools are dropping the technical courses in favor of the college prep classes, because we need just as many good plumbers and car mechanics as we need doctors and lawyers.

So I geuss I should edit my answer to say that if my child is academically inclined, then we will expect him to go. And even if he *isn't* academically inclined, we'll still encourage him to pursue an advanced education in a field that interests him.

[Dawn]

I think it is a shame that so many high schools are dropping the technical courses in favor of the college prep classes, because we need just as many good plumbers and car mechanics as we need doctors and lawyers.

Yup, so true. :nod:

[schwanda]

I grew up in a household where going to college was a normal part of life. I never thought about being "expected" to go to college b/c that was just the normal course of action after you finished high school. I guess it's funny b/c neither my mom nor my bio dad ever finished college (my step-dad has an MBA). My mom is very focused on education so that was that.
I assume that Nathaniel will go to college. Obviously if there's a reasonable and sensible alternative to college, I would allow it!
I had a great college experience and it really opened doors for me so I'm a fan.

Amanda

[Jennie]

Both of my parents and 3 of my 4 grandparents went to univeristy so I grew up knowing that I would continue on to higher education of some sort.

I do hope that the kids continue and do either college (in Canada, college is vocational in nature vs University here) or university but with all the challenges the twins have going on, we'll see what's right for them. I'll encourage whatever is best.... And as goofy as this sounds, I will probably expect more education from Charlie & the new baby (barring other issues).

It's now to the point in Canada that you can't get your foot in the door for most jobs (blue or white collar) without a diploma or degree.

[~Andrea~]

To answer Dawn's question, I hope my children are inclined to go to college, but I will support them either way. My father, brother and DH are all also in the union and are (or will be when their apprenticeship is over) making excellent money, *especially* when you factor in benefits! However I think college is about more than that piece of paper. It's about the experience. As a SAHM I obviously am not using my degree right now (well, maybe a *little* since it's in ECED/psych), but that college experience made me who I am today.

So while I would support my children heading right to a trade/vocationl school, I must admit (never to them though) that I'd be a tad disappointed if they skipped college.

[Michele]

I want Jackson to go to college more for the experience than for the degree (obviously the degree is important too). I agree with Andrea that my college experience made me who I am today, and I w ant Jackson to experience that. Of course I would never force him to do something that he didn't want to do, and if he really wanted to enter a trade, or play a sport or whatever, I would support that. I would be disappointed though, not in him, but in the fact that he wasn't going to get that college experience.

I guess "expect" is almost the wrong word for me. Most of all I want to raise him to value education and want to go on his own, for himself. With me, I was definitely expected to go to college, but it wasn't an outward thing. My parents never sat down and said "Michele, we expect you to go to college..." it was just always just a given, it was always "when you go to college" not "if." I actually never even once gave a thought to not going...it was just what you did after high school to me.

[Clare]

I think there is a big difference between college in the US and here. There isn't "the experience" here :dunno: University is just studying. Nobody goes away to college here. They do have dorm rooms but they are mainly for international students. The majority of people live at home with their parents while they attend uni. We do not have fraternities or sororities (thank goodness) nor is there a party culture. Maybe that's why I have such a different view of it :dunno:

[asta]

I voted "other" because yes, it was expected that I would go to college because I was good at academics, but I think there is a lot of value in trade school if someone is better with their hands than reading Shakespeare. If Sam ends up being one of those people who would be better as an apprentice tradesman, I would rather see him go that route and get a decent job and valuable skills than struggle academically just so he could say he got a college degree and not be able to make a living from what he has learned. On the other hand, if he ends up being very good in academics, I'd hate to see him waste that aptitude and not go on to college.

**Just edited to add that I read the question, voted and posted. I then went back and read everyone else's replies, so I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my thinking!**

[Girlo]

It was also assumed that I would go to college out of high school. :)
I'd always planned on it, but wasn't terribly serious about studying in hs to give it a shot right away. I remember my senior year, my dad sat me down as asked me what my plan was. I told him I was going to a state college, majoring in music, pledging a sorority, and trying out for cheerleading! :lol: He said it sounded like a lot of fun and I agreed. Then, he said that if my focus was on the party, then I could go find an apt. with a friend, get a FT job and do what I liked. :lol: I agreed and that's what I did for 4 years.
Then, when I was 22, I called my dad and told him I was sick of being stuck in menial jobs and I was ready to be serious. I moved back to WA and he paid for my first year of college....and I got loans for the rest of it. :) Best decision I ever made! :nod:

As for our kids, we will start college funds for them and help them out somewhat with college. They won't get a full ride, however, unless they get a great scholarship! We will definitely encourage them to pursue some form of higher education, no matter what that is. The default option is a 4 year uni, which is what we'll assume they'll choose. However....if Alex really wants to be a chef, he's probably not going to want to go to a uni, and we'll use his college $$ to pay for a good cooking school. :)
Our big thing is just that they don't sell themselves short by stopping their education after high school. Life is competitive and the future can be very limited with only a diploma.

[Bonnie]

I just always assumed I'd go, but not everyone in my family did go, and my parents didn't save any money for us to go either, so it's kind of weird that I always just assumed I'd go. Of the 5 kids, 3 of us went, and two did not. I got a full athletic scholarship, so that was fortunate, and I went FAR away, which was fantastic.

I hope my girls all go to college. Caroline already has about $10,000 in her college fund, so I REALLY hope she goes. We only just started Courtney's. Courtney might have some developmental issues, we just don't know yet, so if she does, maybe college won't be right for her. I know not everyone is meant for college, and as long as my girls all try their best at whatever it is they chose to do, I will be happy, but I will strongly encourage them to consider college and will talk about it as "when you go to college" not "if" so they just assume they'll go like I did.

Of my family, the one who is probably the wealthiest is one who did not go to college, had major problems with drugs and alcohol and didn't really settle himself down etc. until he was in his 30s. Now, he owns a tremendously successful business, is happily married with a little girl and lives in what can only be described as a mansion out here in San Diego, so you just never know. He barely got out of highschool.