I had a really rough weekend with Victoria having temper tantrums and outbursts. The first was Friday night when she didn't want to leave the ambulance corps. She started screaming and crying then proceeded to kick me and take swings at me (with fists too). I got her in the car seat where she proceeded to kick my seat and scream. Needless to say we never made it to our next destination and just went home.

On Saturday she did this again Saturday evening, first at WalMart which wasn't a bad one but she still acted up. Then at the grocery store she screamed bloody murder while I tried to shop. :tearhair: People were looking at us and I was so embarassed and wished she would just stop. I put her face in my hands and pleaded with her to please be quiet. She would start to quiet down just to start again. I started telling people who were looking at us that it was the "terrible twos" but if you weren't in the same aisle as us you'd think I was giving her a beating by the way she was screaming. I think I was about half way through when she finally stopped but she still had an occasional outburst after that.

There had been other times when she would act up but this weekend was the worst so far. Both days she had napped well too so I couldn't say she did it because she was tired. It just seems to be getting worse.

I had spoken to our pediatrician about her tantrums before because they just didn't seem "normal" and he suggested I just ignore her and not "feed" into it by giving her attention. Well, that's easy when you're at home but when you are in public it's harder to just ignore it. People stare and expect you discipline the child but you have to be careful not to be too "forceful" or people will accuse you of child abuse. She started doing this at a restaurant recently and I was able to tell Jim to take her out to the car while I paid the bill but I had a cart full of groceries and couldn't just leave them there to take her out the car and I wasn't garanteed she'd calm down to take her back in to finish shopping.

I'm at my wit's end and after this weekend I don't want to take her out anymore because I'm afraid of what she'll do. If anyone can give me suggestions or advice or if you have a toddler like this, please share!!

Dawn

Dawnie-I could have written your post-well, most of it-word for word. I have been having one hell of a time with Isabella,too.And I hear you on the discipline issue-people expect you to "stop it" but you never know who might call CPS if you discipline too "harshly".
So far, what measures have you taken to calm her down? If you want to PM me about this, that would be cool....

Mary - so far when she does this in public all I've done is just try to talk to her, hug her, give kisses, and plead with her. I don't raise my voice but I do try to use be stern when I tell her to stop. Sometimes this works and sometimes it just makes the situation worse.

At home I start with talking to her firmly (I'll admit I somtimes do yell), then I go to time outs and if that fails she has gotten the occassion light swat on her diapered butt. I couldn't imagine doing that in public out of fear of some person will call the police or DCFS on me.

Dawn

Usually I just ignore it and she quits. It's like if she can't get a rise out of me, then what's the point of having a tantrum.

Distraction usually works too: "If you leave, then we can go home and get a snack" or "I know you want that toy, but how about if you play with Mommy's keys instead"

I've tried the distraction technique too, Shel. I've tried giving her my keys or tried to get her to help me put groceries in the cart (something she usually loves to do) but she proceeded to throw things on the ground. As for ignoring it, it's kind of hard when you are pushing the cart and she's kicking or hitting me. I even tried to pull the cart from the basket part so she couldn't get to me but that sent her into a worse screaming fit.

I just don't know what to do with her when she acts like that. I feel like people are staring me down and thinking I'm the worst parent in the world. :tearhair: Argh! Sorry!

Dawn

I haven't gone through this with Sam yet, but I see the beginnings of tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I'm a rather firm parent in that I don't spank, but I will use a firm voice and frown at him. I tried to imagine how I will react in a grocery store, and I think I would probobly raise my voice and tell him that's enough, and if it keeps up he can't go out with mommy next time and he will stay home.

This reminds me of a story my mom told me. Two of her friends, who are sisters, were fighting in the car when they were kids. Their mother turned around and told them if they didn't knock it off they would NEVER go on a family vacation again. And she held to it - they were never taken on a vacation again. Mom and dad went, but not them. They had a terrible childhood with mean parents, but THERE is an example of sticking to your word! So, I would be careful using never or always words with Sam, and instead say he can't come with mommy next time if he is acting up.

Good luck - at least now that I have a child I can smile sympathetically at the parent, knowing my turn is coming...

I don't have much advice since Emma is only just starting to tantrum every now and again, but if distraction doesn't work, I think you just need to leave wherever you are. Even if you have a grocery cart full of stuff. Just leave it and get her out of there. Not the most convenient thing in the world to do, but removing her from the situation might be your only option, at least until she stops this phase. I'd put her in a time out when you get home and explain to her why she's getting one.

I know how uncomfortable it is when you have a bunch of people staring at you! Try to ignore them- at least the mothers know what you are going through. I'm impressed that you ignored it long enough on your last trip that she stopped halfway through. (Most people are just relieved that it's happening to you, not them! :lol: )

Good luck! I'm not looking forward to that stage.

i ignore tony if he starts that crap while we're out. the grocery store seems to be a favorite place doesn't it? i just say to him 'you're only embarrassing yourself'. he doesn't understand me but it makes me feel better :lol:. he eventually stops if he's not getting attention :nod:

good luck!

Landon did this for the first time last night! I am sure it wasn't near what you with older toddlers have delt with, but for me it was aweful. He wouldn't sit in his seat for anything, he was screaming and kicking... throwing things out of our cart. So we got him out for a while. Then he decided that he wanted to walk without anyone holding his hands. I can thank DH for starting that one! He would throw his body limp when I went to pick him back up and he'd try to bite at me!!! :eek:

I had no clue what to do...

When Dylan decides to get mad while in the shopping cart, I push it a few feet in front of me and just stand there. I tell him to stop hitting me or we won't go any further. It works sometimes and I end up getting hugs and kisses.
I haven't tried this yet because it can be a huge PITA but some people suggest leaving the store and going right home and if possible not take the child the next time.
I hope you have better luck.

My son Adam will be two in March, and for quite a while now has been King of the text book temper tantrums (you know, the kind where he lays on the ground, screams, and kicks his feet and hands like a crazy maniac). Because we also have a 4 month old son, who Adam frequently hits, I try to save the time-out stuff for when he hits his baby brother, since this is by FAR the most serious offense, and situation most worthy of his immediate physical removal.

So, when he pulls the kicking on the ground act while we're out, I try to stay as calm as possible while talking him through it ("Adam, would you like to help mommy pick out fruit to buy on the other aisle?" or "Adam, I don't think you should put your head on the ground, the ground is very dirty") I don't think he actually cares at ALL what I'm saying to him, but eventually the tantrum does run it's course, and I feel better knowing I've stayed calm and in control. :)

Erica

I try distraction first...Isabelle still loves her pacifier, and I'll usually start by telling her "ok, if you can sit quietly in the cart, you can have your pacifier". If that doesn't work, I usually have some of her favorite snacks with me, and make them behavior contingent. I've been creative about where I'll let her sit, too...she usually rides in the basket, rather than the seat (not as safe I know...but she's anything but safe bucking around in the seat trying to climb out, or she "helps" push the cart...or she can walk next to me IF she stays and doesn't touch anything (which rarely happens...but I let it slide a little as long as she puts it right back and doesn't head for anything she could damage). Worse case scenario- we do a time out, and everything gets left as it is, and whatever we were buying waits til DH can either get it or watch her later that day. (for this reason, I save the frozen stuff til last!). We use 1-2-3 magic for time outs, and we've used it often enough at home that it sometimes works in the store, without actually having to leave. But...it's harder to do outside the home, so there are kinks...basically a time out consists of me dragging her out, and not otherwise interacting her (except to correct any other bad behaviors she does during her tantrum- like hitting me) until she's been quiet for 2 minutes (time outs at home are just 2 minutes out of sight whether she gets quiet or not...tantrums can last up to an hour at our house...sigh...but it can take more than 2 minutes getting back to the car- with her kicking and hitting and screaming the whole way). Things really have got better since we've started using time outs...but I'm on hold for a book on "raising your spirited child" to see if it gives me any other ideas! :)

:errr: I feel your pain! Shopping with a two-year-old certainly brings its own set of challenges!!

Here's my advice:

1. The most important rule is this: Time your shopping trips VERY carefully. Avoid going out with her (or do the absolute minimum amount of errands) if she's due for a nap, tired or having a bad day. Toddlers are not patient or quiet by nature, and it's simply not fair to her to expect her to behave if she's tired, grouchy or overstimulated. Setting unrealistic expectations only makes everyone unhappy! And make sure YOU are in the mood too, since kids are so perceptive and can pick up on parents' moods very easily.

2. Talk to her before you leave the house, and again before you enter the store. At home, tell her in great detail what you'll be doing when you're out. (ie, "first we're going to the drugstore and Mommy is going to pick up some medicine. Then we're going to the grocery store where we'll buy X, Y and Z - name some foods that she likes. Then we'll wait in line to pay for our things. Then we'll put them in the car and come home!") That way she has clear expectations of what to expect.

Then outline the behavior you expect from her: "In the drugstore, I want you to walk next to me and hold my hand. You may not touch anything without asking me first." or: "In the grocery store, I want you to ride in the cart and talk to Mommy. I love having your company in the store! It's so fun when we can talk to each other quietly about our groceries. And, if you can ride quietly, I'll let you choose which kind of soup (or fruit, or toothpaste or whatever gets her excited) we'll put into the cart. And then at the end, you can hand the money to the checker when we buy our groceries!" (Brigit loves to do this. Or I tell her she can have some chapstick while we wait in line - another treat. Or she gets to run the debit card through the machine and punch in my PIN number. Whatever little thing your kid loves to do, make it a standard reward at the end.)

Next, outline the consequences. With Brigit these are the two I use: "Gettting to walk in the drugstore rather than riding in the cart is a special treat. If you touch anything without asking, though - you'll have to ride in the cart." and: "Riding quietly in the cart in the grocery store is very important. Other people are trying to shop and we shouldn't disturb them. If you start to yell or get grouchy, we'll have to leave the store and then we won't have the fun of shopping together." Every kid has consequences they dislike - figure out what will be most meaninful to yours and use that. Just make sure it's an immediate one - it has to take effect right away to count, I've discovered!

When you get to the store, before going inside - reinforce that conversation by quickly reviewing what you'll be doing, what you expect from her, and what the consequences will be if she doesn't meet expectations. Toddlers forget things quickly, and are so impulsive, so reminding frequently is super important.

Both at home, and at the store, make sure she looks you in the eye and expresses that she understands AND agrees with the expectations and consequences you've explained. That way you can hold her to them later!


3) In the store, if she starts to disobey, remind her of what she agreed to, and remind her of the consequences. I always give Brigit one reminder before I enforce the rule. Then, if she insists on breaking the rule - follow through. Though it sucks to have to leave the store - I can guarantee you you will only have to do it one or maybe two times before she'll get the idea that you mean business, and start behaving. With Brigit, we left the grocery store and the bookstore once each, and that was it. Now she loves shopping and we never have any problems. Yes, it sucks to have to leave a cart of groceries at the store. When I had to, I just took it to the Customer Service counter, apologized profusely and left it there. There's no reason to be embarassed - Customer Service people have seen it all, believe me! :lol:

If Brigit starts to get restless at the store, I'll remind her of the reward - "hey, what flavor chapstick do you think you want to use while I pay for the groceries? I brought cherry AND grape!" Or, "Hey, can you remember what numbers you need to type into the keypad? Which one goes first? Which one is your favorite?" A little distraction like that helps a lot.

4) I'd be VERY cautious about criticizing your child to others in front of her. Kids really strive to rise to our expectations, and calling them "Terrible Twos" gives them both low expectations and an excuse for their bad behavior. In Brigit's case at least, "bad" behavior is usually just because she is tired and/or bored (not her fault), or because she was unclear about what she'd be doing or about what my expectations were (MY fault.) Labeling her a "Terrible Two" implies that her behavior is HER fault, which just isn't true.

Good Luck! And hang in there! :)

Oh, yeah...like Kathleen, we usually outline expectations/consequences etc. before we go in (and usually have to repeat several times...Isabelle is very high energy and tends to forget).

Another thing that works pretty well, if she's in the right mood...when she is sitting quietly in the cart, or doing some desired behavior,I tell her "it makes mommy really happy when you do x,y, or z"...and if she's not doing it, "do you want to make mommy really happy? It makes mommy happy when you..." Or sometimes the converse..."It makes mommy really unhappy when you (try to climb out of the cart, won't hold my hand, whatever)" Isabelle really does want to please (unless she's in one of her moods...and we try not to run errands when she is)...and putting it that way avoids putting the label on her...it puts it on me, and lets her know that things she does effect me, too...

I didn't read every reply but I would say just ignore them especially if they are power tantrums and they will go away a lot sooner then if you feed into them.

It is embarassing in a public place but as long as the child is safe who cares what others think (I know hard as well) but I bet every mom that witness will say good job or understand what you are going through.