Working Parents Group Journal

[Alysia]

a group journal like the SAHM/WAHM have?

[MamaGoofy]

What is it? I seen it but didn't venture into it..

[gulp!]

definitely!

[Jeni]

Sure:)

[Brooke]

Sure.

[MamaGoofy]

:bullhorn: What is it??????????????????????????????????????????? :)

[Alysia]

:lol: Melissa! Basically a journal for working moms and dads where we can vent, get to know each other, discuss stuff, and support each other :)

[MamaGoofy]

Thank you!!! Count me in!!! ;)

[Lette]

I'm in . I need all the support I can get! :)

[Nocona]

Sure :)

[Wendy]

I'm in . I need all the support I can get! :)

Ditto!!!

[Trish]

I'm in! :supergrin

[Denise]

Much needed!!! :nod:
How about happily working parents! :lol: Is there such a thing?

[AmyLynn]

Count me in!!!

[Alysia]

D~ I am not sure about the happily part!! :lol:

[AmyLynn]

Would anyone mind if I put together some introduction questions for us to answer. There are a few here that I "know" but don't really "know" alot about them.

[Denise]

Sure Amy! Ask away! I would love support from other working moms. :)

[Jeni]

Is this our "journal"?

[AmyLynn]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?

[AmyLynn]

Is this our "journal"?

I can PM Wendy to rename it "Working Parents Group Journal"

[Nocona]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me: Nocona, 32
DH: Paul, 34
Kids: Matthew - turned 3 yesterday; Sara - due in 10 days!

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
Paul quit working a little over a month ago. Prior to that he worked a couple nights a week and weekends doing tech support for DSL.

I work FT+ (7am-5pm M-F, plus anything I need to take home or stay late or come in on Saturday for) at a general contractor. I am the director of a specialized insurance program for our subcontractors.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
I generally get home around 5:30. Then we do the dinner thing and hang with Matthew, then his bath and I try to watch something I've TiVOd before I try to go to sleep. Weekends are spent running errands and hanging out. I pay all the bills/balance the checkbook, etc. He is mainly responsible for cleaning, but that doesn't usually happen unless I point stuff out :rolleyes: He's generally fairly good about doing dishes, laundry and taking out the trash.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I'm cool ;)

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Working parents seem to be a minority on OUAL, so hopefully we can provide a little support and/or commiserate with one another :)

[Nocona]

I just realized this is in my moderating group, so I changed the title :)

[AmyLynn]

I just realized this is in my moderating group, so I changed the title :)

TY....I didn't get to PM Wendy....I had to get Alexis. Today is a day where I cannot get both girls to nap at the same time. :rolleyes:

[AmyLynn]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me: Amy, turning 34 in July
DH: Don - turning 38 on Sunday
Kids: Ashton Elizabeth 6/22/02 and Alexis Victoria 10/14/04

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT? I am a casino dealer, with a 40hr. work week. Off Tues/Wed. I work 11-7pm, and Monday it is 12-8. Don is a Sound/Lighting Supervisor and his schedule changes week to week, but is mainly off Sun/Mon, works 9-5 on Tues & Wed, works 9-7 on Thursday, and 9-2am Fri/Sat. But all those times are flexible, somedays earlier, some later, depending on what events/concerts, etc. he is working. Split days off suck, but it cuts back on child care costs.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?Don takes out the trash to the curb 2x a week, and will do dishes here and there, and will sometimes cook dinner on the days I work that he is home. Sometimes I cook on my days off for when he comes home or we go out. He will hit the grocery store for a few things if asked, and does his laundry. I do just about everything else.....grocery, girls laundry, bill paying/banking, etc. Don gets the girls dressed on the days we both work. Bedtime for Alexis is about 9:30 and Ashton's is 10. With working a later shift, we need a later bedtime for the girls to sleep in later! :silly: I am not getting up at 6am when I don't start work for 5 hours.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.I would eventually love to be a SAHM, or at least go down to PT, but since we want a bigger house, I want to find a better paying dealing job.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal? The same as what Nocona said!!

[mama2jackson]

Well, this is right up my alley!!! Hi ladies!!!

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

Tracey: 29
Josh: 27
Jackson: 2 (January 18, 2003)

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

I am a full-time paralegal at a very small medical malpractice law firm. We do strictly defense litigation work. Well, I'm not *actually* full-time, I have Wednesdays off, so I really only work 32 hours, but get paid for 40.

Josh works for the railroad and is on the road 100% of the time. To date, we havent' seen him in 11 days. He's expected back home for ONE day, but we still have 10 more days to go. Right now he's working on a traveling gang and has been "gone" for 14 months. He's really only home now 2-3 days a month because he's getting further and further away as the gang is traveling east.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?

After work....well, I pick up Jackson from school, we drive the 55 minutes home, make dinner, eat dinner, unpack and re-pack our stuff for the next day, tubby time, and bed time. Not much time for anything else since I like us to be in bed by about 8:30 p.m We co-sleep, so we both just go to bed at the same time.

Household matters divided...ummm, they aren't :lol:! It's just me 100% of the time, so I do everything, you name it, I do it! Of course, in Josh's defense, he's 1200 miles away, and living out of a hotel room, so there's really not much he can do.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.

Other than the fact that I'm starting to loose my mind... nope :lol:!

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?

Friendship and support! I sort of feel out numbered sometimes when it comes to working, so this is just awesome to see us all here!

[mommyLil]

Can I join in too?

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

I'm Lil, 29
DH is Karl, 31
DS, Nick and Belly Baby comming in a few weeks.

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

Right now I'm FT but will be PT after my matternity leave is over :)

I'm a software test specialist. I test high availability/diaster recovery software my company makes. DH works at the same place he was hired to test the Linux project which is shelved for a while so in the mean time he has become the ap note tester and solution creater.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
Well DH does most of the cooking in our family. I do most of the cleaning, all the bill paying and we split baby care about 50/50. We commute together so we get home at around 6 pm or so. We try to have dinner prepped and stuff in the morning and do a lot of crockpot meals... Nick goes to bed between 8 and 9.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
Well I'm actually ready for a career change. I'd love to go to nursing school or teach childbirth classes (Bradley method) I want to be a doula, birthing has become a real passion for me.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?

A chance to connect with other parents in similiar situations as me. Being a working parent has its own set of challenges and its nice to chat with those going through it.

[MamaGoofy]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
I am Melissa - 32
DH - Dave - 35
DS - David 3

2. What do you and your DH do? I am an insides sales rep; DH is a tech
How many hours a week do you both work. We both put in 40 hours a piece Are you FT or PT? We are both FT

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? Busy. After work it's really crazy. Between dinner, bath time, some family time and bed time. I usually don't get to "relax" until 9pm. The weekends are great. Saturday is family fun day and Sunday we do house and yard work.
How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided? We share it 50/50. It's pretty even....Most of the time ;)

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you. I am pretty crazy and out there sometimes. I love to read and hang with my wonderful family. We are currently TTC #2 and have been since October 2003. I had a m/c last Apri. I am a fun loving person. What else would you like to know? I am pretty much an open book.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal? I hope to meet new friends that I may otherwise not meet. I hope to gain some insite to my crazy 3 year old. Mainly just looking to get support from other working moms!!

[MamaGoofy]

Amy: I just noticed that your birthday is in July. What day? Mine is July 15th!

[Denise]

:bee: joining in!

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

I'm Denise~going to be 29 on the 21st
DH is Vinnie~30
DS is Nicholas who is 28 months now.

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

We are probably one of the only ones on the board that work together. :lol: Most days we arent "together" but work out of the same office. My dad is our regional director. We are supplemental sales coordinators. (We work for AFLAC, the "duck" commercials?) All offices are independently owned by agents and my brother and myself own our office space. Yes, my brother also works with us. :crazy: We work crazy hours most weeks, definitely FT since we are a pretty large office with many agents under us and we need to get in early and often leave late at night. It helps that our office is in the town I live in! Im out of the door earlier so I drop Nick off at my mom's or my FIL's for the day. They are our daycare! :lol:

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?

After we meet back at the office at the end of the day, we will either eat at FIL's or my moms, most days we just pick him up and grab something on the way home! Vin does 100% of the cooking, taking the garbage/recycling out and does all of the bills. I do the cleaning, laundry, etc...We split taking care of Nick right down the middle. He is so awesome with doing the diapers, waking up early, baths, getting dressed etc...After Nick goes to bed is when I get most of my chores done. I dont get too many days off unless its a holiday but even then, Im always running to the office for something or another. TG I own it and can bring Nick with me! :lol: Grocery shopping/mall trips are always done as a family. :)

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
Its very stressful working with family, especially your husband and father! I dont know who is worse anymore!! I am very happy where I am in life right now...minus a m/c...I am fortunate to be making good money, have a new house, new cars and a healthy happy child. My life is almost complete.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?

I often feel guilty for being so happy working and being out all day. I couldnt imagine myself being a SAHM. And its not even money issues since money isnt an issue. I enjoy my time with Nick and never feel like I am less of a mother for deciding to build my career and work my way into a corporate world. I would hate to see my education go to waste. I am more successful than many men in my office and I think it bothers them. (sometimes DH) I would love a place to just get out my frustrations and have the support of other working mom's/dad's.
Denise

[gulp!]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

Me: Stefanie, age 33
DH: Anish, age 35
Kids: Emma, 2.75; Krishan, 1


2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

I am an investment banker. I am working PT most of the time- generally I go in M,T and TH. If need be, I work Wednesdays, and when it's necessary, I'll work a Friday, but that's rare. DH is a CTO at an internet strategy firm, working FT.


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
We try to get home by 6 when the nanny leaves, but often only one of us makes it home in time. We scramble together some dinner, every other night is bath night, and then the kids get ready for bed. Krishan goes down by 7, Emma by 8. I'm lucky that on Wednesdays, my nanny is working, so I use that day to get a lot of errands done. On Fridays, we try to do playgroup in the morning, then do stuff around the house in the afternoon.

We share the childcare 50/50. DH usually gets the kids dressed in the morning b/c I take longer to get ready, and bathtime is almost always his job. I probably do most of the household chores, but I'm home more and more anal. :) He walks the dog, and we split the cooking. I pay all of the bills, do the taxes, etc.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
For supposedly such a high powered executive :rolleyes: , I'm on OUAL way too much.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Definitely people to commiserate with! And to get ideas on how to streamline/organize better. Plus, Emma will be going to preschool in the fall, and I'll need help with all of the stuff related to sending your kid "out" to daycare/school.

[Denise]

:lol: Im like Stefanie! In a suit, heels and 'hose sitting there typing away! :lol: If someone comes into my office, my screen turns to work-related in a second! Im so quick too! :lol: How embarassing! :lol: I try not to "type" too much during the day but once I get home I can relax and unwind on here. Im supposed to be doing laundry now though! :lol:

[gulp!]

:biggrin: Denise, glad I'm not the only one!

[Denise]

At least I try to be professional and not open OUAL out at an account! :lol:

I totally forgot about those taxes! Ugh! Stresses me out since we make 100% commission! :crazy: You cant imagine how much we have to give back! :(

I have been thinking of having Nick in preschool this fall too! :) I think it would be good for him. (them) Children interaction I think is lacking since Nick is with my mom 50% of the week and my FIL the other.

[Brookamy]

I am here!

[Silke]

What a good idea.

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me: Silke, 35
DH: David, 33
Kids: Natascha, 10, and Kyle turning 2 in May

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I am chemist working on a new high performance fiber. Think Kevlar, but hopefully ours will be better soon. Basically I am analytical and mechanical testing support for R&D and the Pilot Plant. I work FT and plus some. :tongue2:
David works as a mechanic for one of the counties and has been studying for a mechanical engineering degree. He works FT, 40 hours, plus National Guard.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
David gets the kids ready in the morning and I help if I am not gone already. He shuttles them to babystitter/school. I do the pick-up routine: Natascha first, then Kyle. So I am ususally home around 5pm since I get off at 4pm. I kind of miss getting off at 3pm. I could get soooo much more done. Well, then starts the homework, cooking dinner and taking-care-of-a toddler battle all at the same time. :lol:
In regards to the bills..... I have no clue since David does that......I know my money does keep vanishing to somewhere every month. :lol:
On the chores, David gets the kids ready for bed most of the time while I clean up. I guess, I do most of the household chores, but David does pitch in. Before I forget, I don't do trash. :lol:

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
Geesh, what to put here? :scratch: I have been debating heavily wether to go back for my PhD or not. Other than that they are trying to kill me workload-wise at work right now, I guess, I have no more to share. :lol:

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Getting to know some working parents on OUAL.

[Alysia]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Hi!
I am Alysia. Age 26
DH is Brad. Age 27
DD is Genavieve 15 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I work for an insurance company 40 hours a week sometimes more.
DH is currently working a temporary job 40 hours a week and is waiting for his start date for his new full time job.

We both basically do Customer Service

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
After work, we make dinner (or go get something), play with G for a little while, get her ready for bed, and then watch tv for an hour or so and go to bed.

On the weekends, we try to do laundry etc.
I do all the bill paying. And we split most everything else.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I am going to school full time right now and should be doing homework as I type. I promise to go do it as soon as I am done with this post... :bolt:

I have also been home from work all this week because Genavieve is sick. I am so tired I would almost rather be back at work! But, my baby needs me!

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Maybe some of my sanity back?... Or just people who understand my insanity would work too!

[Wendy]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

Me: Wendy, age 31
DH: Roger, age 33 (if I have to claim him :lol: )
Kids: Abby, age 3


2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

I am a litigation paralegal. I work full time...I am usually in the office by at least 8:30...earlier if I have to be in court, mediation or a deposition and try to be out of the office by 5:00 but sometimes that depends on if I have been in court and am trying to get back to the office once we have gotten out. My responsibilities at this point are just about everything. We just recently downsized and fired my assistant so all I have now is someone that answers the phone. I am in court everytime by boss is in court, responsible for any and all paperwork that comes in and out of the office, preparing for trial and then all of the office managment duties as well. Needless to say I am usually running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The only thing I dont do is answer phones and the filing :lol:

Roger is a CPA and his hours all depend on what time of the year it is. Right now because it is tax season he is in the office until usually 8:30 or 9:00 and in the office early as well. He also teaches at one of the business schools here and on the one or two nights he does that he doesnt get home until close to 10:00.


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
Now that we have moved the office I am usually to Abby by 5:45. She goes to school from 8:30 to 12:30 and then my MIL picks her up and she spends the afternoon with them. After I get her we usually come home, eat dinner, get a bath and then play a little bit. She is usually in bed by 9:00 and at that point I get a little down time. There are some evenings that I have a few errands to run, but I really try to do that on the weekends. Saturday she has gymnastics and we usually spend that afternoon getting our stuff done. Sunday we usually try to make church and then come home and spend the afternoon hanging out.

As for the household....I am very lucky in that I have had a cleaning service for the past 5 years. I dont know what I would do without that. Recently my MIL has taken over the cleaning duties (for some extra money) and she has insisted on doing our laundry as well. I really didnt want to let her do that because I felt really strange about it but since she has been doing it for the past month it has taken a lot off of me trying to get it done! We also have a lawn service so that makes things easier on DH. I pay most of the bills (we have seperate money so the bills DH pays are the big ones..meaning less 4 payments vs all the other misc ones) When he is home he will do the bath if I ask, and also will put her to bed when he is home. He usually take her to school becasue I cant drop her off and be to work on time, I do however always have her dressed, fed and ready to go before I walk out the door..but like I said, I pick up. Everything else is my responsibility though....meals, grocery, doctors, clothes shopping, dressing, finding activities for her to do, birthday presents for friends, lunches for school and all the other stuff that comes along with having a 3 year old.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I love to read...and I really woudl like to take the time to travel more. I love the beach.....I am going to get away all by myself hopefully in June! I cant wait :)

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
I would like to feel like I am not alone....I know that sounds silly, but sometimes I feel as if I am the only one dealing with trying to juggle being a full time professional with motherhood. I would like to know that I am not the only one that feel guilty...and that the guilt is not necessarily from not being a SAHM...but from wanting to spend more time with my child but knowing that I couldnt/wouldnt be happy at home with her all day long. I would also like to know that I am not the only one that feels overwhelmed on a daily basis. I think I do a good job of balancing...but still feel like I am drowing most of the time....I would also like to learn how to take more time to take care of me without feeling guilty about it..... WOW! That was a book huh???

[Dennis]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me: Dennis, 34
DW: Mary, 37
Kids: Joe 3, Frances 22 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
We both work FT. I'm a software developer for an agricultural bank. Mary is a systems engineer/project manager for a telecom company.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
We both usually leave work around 4. I pick up the kids and we're all home around 4:30. Then it's a rush to get dinner ready, eat, take baths, play and watch a little TV and get the kids in bed. We usually start the bedtime routine between 6 and 6:15 and they are in bed around 6:30. (They get up around 6:30-6:45.) Then we have some "couple time" and talk and watch a little TV. Then Mary usually reads for a while and I play around on the computer for a bit or do other things, and we head to bed around 9-9:30.

We have cleaning people come every other week. We both do the laundry and the other chores. Mary usually plans dinners and I usually end up doing the cooking because J & F are both in a Mommy phase. I pay the bills on the weekends.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I'd like to change careers, but it's hard to do when you need to pay the mortgage and feed the kids.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
To see that we're not the only ones who go through this every week :)

[Alysia]

I'd like to change careers, but it's hard to do when you need to pay the mortgage and feed the kids.


Same here, Dennis! I completely agree!

[Alyssa]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

Me: Alyssa, age 31
DH: Joe, age 31
Kids: Aidan, age 3 Colin, age 2 "Jax" 17w baked


2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

I am a marketing programs manager for an enterprise software company. Basically, I try to get more people to know about and buy our solution by coming up with new and different ways to appeal to how we can solve their business challenges. I do this FT. Right now, very FT. :updown:


We decided when Aidan was born to have Joe stay home. But on top of SAHD duties, he's a hockey ref . This means from about Sept-May he has upwards of 5 games a week, usually 2-3. He also does camps/tournaments which have left me alone for as long as 2 weeks. He's also a call firefighter/EMT in our podunk town - we don't have many FT firefighters so if the alarm sounds, you go if you can...and yes, you get paid. :aok:


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
Right now, it's a mess. I'm working until 10-11pm each night, usually after the kids are in bed though. So between workload and pregnancy, there is little structure.

Normally though and esp. if Joe's home that night, I get home by 6:30pm and have a little time with the kids before dinner. We'll all eat (Joe cooks) and then if it's bath night, I take the kids for a bath while Joe cleans up and then we play around until bedtime, which we aim to have be by 9pm. A dance party tends to sneak its way in most nights. :lol:

Luckily I'm a night owl so I get cleaning done at night. Joe helps as much as he can during the days and does get a lot done, but there are things that are mine/that I do better. Like laundry. :dead: I'll usually pick 1-3 things each night to attack. Same with the weekends. I try not to save everything up for the weekend, because that just stinks to spend the whole day doing chores.

I'll try to do some things like bills during the work day too.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
Like Wendy, I love to read. Somehow I try to fit that in around working and spending QT with the kids. I also listen to books on tape to make my commute better, but I also try and use my 40 minute each way commuting time to make or return calls and de-stress. Exercise is what I don't get around to as much as I'd like.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
I hope it's another way to interact more with different people. And I'm always up for hearing different tips on time management and organization! :aok:

[bunybomb]

What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
I'm Becky, I'll be 38 in two weeks.
Dh-Chris, turns 37 on Sunday.
Dylan - DD, 10 years old
Alex - DS, 2.5 years old

What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I am an account manager for an audio and web conferencing company. I work 40 hrs/week but I have lots of flexibility. I work full time.
DH is a Service Advisor for BMW. He works about 60 hrs/week. No flexibility and he works more than full time.

What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?.
I get home, get the kids a snack, oversee homework and playtime and get dinner ready and we wait for daddy to get home around 6:30. We hang out together on the weekends. We get our chores done as a family on Saturday mornings since I fired the housekeeper. I pay the bills, if I didn't we wouldn't have anything. My DH isn't good at bill paying. I make dinner and he cleans up. We both work on the house together on Saturdays. Chris is great about doing laundry and putting it away. Otherwise I do everything else. :lol:

Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I am adopting my stepdaughter in 12 days. She has been my daughter for 6 years and I have raised her as my own since she was 4. I don't get enough time to myself. I help care for my mom who recently had knee replacement surgery and it stresses me out. I love to host parties. We have a hot tub and it's the best thing we ever bought. Chris and I play on an adult co-ed kickball team on Friday nights. Also, I'm a journal slacker! :lol:

What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Empathy, sympathy, laughter and getting to know others more.

[Robyn]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
I'm Robyn (25) and I'm a single working mom. Dh and I separated at Christmas time (whole 'nother story!) Jacob is 3 1/2, Connor just turned 2 in March and Ty is 10 months.

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT? I am an executive assistant at a health research foundation and work 40-45 hours per week

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided? I guess my situation is pretty unique...dh and I are separated and I have the kids 90% of the time (he has them every second weekend) but I also live with my sister and her boyfriend. So we all share the chores, cooking, bill paying etc...Days after work are crazy and hectic! I don't get home until 5:30-6:00 and then we have dinner (usually something my sister has started, and if not something simple like Kraft dinner and frozen veggies!) and then it's baths and bed for the kids. Once they are in bed, I'm doing laundry and tidying up and *trying* to get to bed at a decent hour. Days off, I tend to try and spend as much quality time with the boys as possible since our weekdays are so crazy busy. We tend to take it easy, hang out, and now that the weather is nicer we are outside tons.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you. Guess I've pretty much already done that! Honestly, as much as I doubted it...I'm really enjoying working. I LOVE what I do and the people I work with are great!

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal? It would be great to see how others deal with the 'day to day' stuff while working outside the home and raising kids.

[~Jenn]

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
For supposedly such a high powered executive :rolleyes: , I'm on OUAL way too much.



:lol: Sorry, but I find this funny! I always feel guilty for being on here when I am (and trust me, I'm far from a high powered executive! :lol: ), so it's great to read this! Stef, I'm looking forward to getting to know you (and everyone else!) a bit better!

This is a great thread...I'm going to come back and post...since I'm new to this working thing, I think it's a great idea! :nod:

[Robyn]

Thought this might be interesting to post here...

Study: Working moms' babies do just as well

FRIDAY, March 25, (HealthDay News) — Working mothers with infants at home, take a breath or a sigh of relief. According to a new study, it's quality of time spent with baby — not quantity — that helps guide a toddler's social and intellectual development.

Researchers from the University of Texas at Austin compared women who didn't work outside the home and spent a lot of time with their infants to women who were employed outside the home and spent less time with their infants. They found no differences in the children's development up to three years of age.

"I would say the big news here is the amount of time that mothers spend with their children does not seem to be that important; it is the quality of the interaction, not just the amount of time," said Aletha Huston, the lead author and a professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin.

The results appear in the March-April 2005 issue of the journal Child Development.

Huston and her co-author, Stacey Rosenkrantz Aronson, looked at 24-hour diaries detailing the daily schedules of 1,053 mothers of infants, collected as part of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development's study of early child care. A total of 580 of the moms in the study were employed and 473 were not.

The researchers watched videotaped observations of the mothers' interaction with their babies during the babies' first year of life, to see how sensitive the mothers were to the children's needs. They also visited the family at home to evaluate the quality of the home environment.

Overall, Huston and Aronson found that the amount of time the moms spent with their babies was not a critical determinant of strong mom-child relationships.

They then assessed the children's intellectual and social development at ages 15 months, 2 years and 3 years.

The amount of time spent with the infant, and whether the mother worked or not, had no effect on the child's social and intellectual development during the three years, the researchers found.

One finding that might surprise some: Employed moms spent more time with their babies than expected, given their busy schedules. There also weren't great differences in time spent with infants, especially on the weekend, between working- and nonworking moms.

For instance, nonemployed mothers spent an average of 146 minutes in social interaction with their babies on a given weekday, whereas working mothers spent almost 90. On the weekend, working mothers actually spent more time in social interaction with their babies than nonworking mothers — 157 minutes compared to almost 129 for nonworking moms.

The working women tend to compensate on the weekends for time away from babies during the week, Huston said. And they find the time to interact with their child — often by cutting down on leisure-time activities for themselves, or in sleep or household activities.

The study fills in a gap in research, Huston said, about the effect of maternal employment and time spent with young children.

"Years ago we argued whether child care and working had a bad effect on young kids three and four years old," she said. "Now we all take for granted that it is OK."

"Where the controversy still exists is the first year of life," she said. "Some argue that fulltime maternal employment is not good for babies under one year. We are saying it is not the amount of time that mothers spend with their children that seems to matter for babies. It is more the characteristics of the mothers."

Another expert, Dr. Sarah L. Friedman, praised the research. Friedman, project scientist and scientific coordinator for the NICHD's Study of Early Child Care, was not involved in this particular analysis but is familiar with the findings. "The findings provide support for the prediction that mothers who spend more time with their infants, particularly time devoted to social interaction, are more sensitive and provide higher quality home environments during the child's early years," she said.

Based on the study findings, she added, it appears that employed women compensate for lost time with their children during the week by increasing the time with their infants on the weekends.

But she added a caveat: "One reason that maternal time may fail to predict children's development is that the authors have insufficient information about the content and quality of the interactions between mother and child.

-- Kathleen Doheny, HealthDayNews


Source: Sarah L. Friedman, Ph.D., project scientist, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, Bethesda, Md.; Aletha Huston, Ph.D., professor of human development, University of Texas at Austin; March-April, 2005, Child Development

[Trish]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Trish - 33
Chad - 33
Aden - 2 - will be 3 in June
Evan - 13 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
We both work FT. I work 8am-4:30pm, M-F as a secretary in the Student Life office of a University and DH works 40+ hours as a VP at the insurance restoration company owned by him and his father.


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
I do the drop off and pick of the boys from daycare the 3 days they go, the other 2 days of the week DH's stepmom comes to our house and watches the boys for us and I wish it was like that everyday, because the most stressful part of my day is probably getting me and the boys up, fed and dressed for daycare. DH helps a some, but only becauase I nagged him into it and I hate doing that! After work we attempt to get dinner ready, which is usually done by DH because I do not like to cook, then it's bath time (every other night or if they really need it), then play time and Evan is in bed by 8pm and Aden goes to bed around 8:30pm. After the boys go to bed is when I start doing cleaning and laundry, which is all done by me. I will usually get on OUAL for a little while, then go to bed around 11pm or so. I do all the bills, as well. The weekends are spent with me and the boys during the day and we will usually run some errands or go and visit my parents. We own 3 rental, right now, so DH has been spending his weekends getting them fixed up, but they are all rented now, so he can come back to working on our house, since we need to put it up for sale in a month or so because we just bought a new house and we take possession of that house in June. SO, things are going to be a little crazy at our house for the next few months.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I also love to read and as doing really good about getting myself a book from the library every time we took Aden, but I've been slacking and I want to get back into it. I didn't do it for so many years, because I didn't think I had the time, but now I am making the time.
Also, DH and I are planning on TTC baby #3 this year and there are still times that I go back and forth on this, while I don't feel like our family is complete with two, there are also times that I feel I just don't have the patience for more children, so it's something that I struggle with every once in a while.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Support from other working parents. As has been said, I sometimes feel that we are in the minority here and I sometimes feel bad for working, but it can't be helped, right now. And, I also spend way too much time on here and I'm also not a high-powered executive, but I just do not know what I would do without this place. I have gotten so many parenting and just general life questions answered here and it has been a God send!

[mommyLil]

Denise -- Your post had me laughing since we both work with our DH's and our lives outside of work sound somewhat similiar and hectic and we both name our sons Nicholas :)

[Lette]

We are probably one of the only ones on the board that work together. :lol: Most days we arent "together" but work out of the same office.

My husband and I work for the same company! Does that count? :lol:
We used to both work in the office together years ago, but now he works out of our home as an account manager.

[MamaGoofy]

Thanks for posting Robyn. Very interesting. I feel that David and I have a great relationship. I have given him the room to grow and become his own person. I think with my personality if I were a SAHM I would have smothered him and he would be a clingy whiney butt child who wouldn't want anything to do with anyone. I am glad I went back to work. It was the best thing for me and my family and I don't regret one bit of it. That study said something that rings true for me. On the weekends I do try to overcompensate for time missed during the week. We generally have a great time and enjoy playing around being silly. You can tell by the status of my house :blush:

[mommyLil]

My husband and I work for the same company! Does that count? :lol:
We used to both work in the office together years ago, but now he works out of our home as an account manager.

Cool theres 3 of us :)


Robyn -- Thanks for posting that article. Actually we are doing some cleaning and the other day we found DH"s old child psych book from college and pulled it out and there was a stody about how if Infants spent time in daycare they had less of an attachment to their moms than those who don't... As I'm reading it outloud to DH, Nick came running from across the room gave me a huge hug and screamed "Mama" demanding some serious cuddles... DH just looked at me and said, "I don't think you have to worry about that" and we laughed.

But its nice seeing something more recent to the contrary as well.

[Lette]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me: Colette ~ 37 .. ouch!
DH: Jim ~ 39
Kids: Alexis ~ 3 years 3 months & Benjamin ~ 18 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I work for LNP Engineering plastics which was bought by GE in 2002. :rolleyes: I'm a FT Plastics Engineer in the Technical Service department. 7:30 - 4:30 . I troubleshoot, make material recommendations and investigate quality material complaints :dead: , along with a whole bunch of other stuff. I work at the office which is about a 35 to 40 minute commute from home .... and growing as the areas keep getting more industrialized with more traffic lights. :rolleyes:
Jim is an account manager for the same company, but he gets to work out of our house. He travels to customers in Eastern PA, NJ, DE, MD and Long Island.
I work 40 hours and it's hard to say what Jim works because sometimes he ends up at his laptop at night.. but he does get to run errands and take the kids to their doctors appointments during the day. Very flexible. :up:


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off?
After work I'll pick up the kids by 5:05 PM on M,W,F or come straight home on T,R since IL's come to babysit then. I'll make dinner and Jim cleans up. ( He's VERY helpful around the house and HE dresses and takes the kids to daycare!! :) ) Then we play with the kids and do small tasks ( ie wash, etc). Now with the time change, we take the kids outside a LOT. :sunny: My kids' bedtime is 9PM so we'll head upstairs for a bath anywhere between 8 and 8:30. After that I finish up getting things ready for the next day and we sit down to watch some TV. I usually end up falling asleep on the couch. :rolleyes:
On days off it varies. Sometimes we take the kids on errands or to the park. In the summer we go to the shore every weekend. I can't wait! :sunny:
How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
I'd say pretty evenly. Again, Jim helps out quite a bit and I'm grateful to have him. He helps cook, clean up, etc and he handles all of the bills and investments. I wash the clothes and get the kids stuff ready.

We have someone come and clean for us every 3 weeks. (our neighbor's sister has a side business) and we also have someone do our lawn. I've always hated cleaning (thanks to my mom) and it frees up my time to play with my kids. We both work hard, so we don't mind spending the $ on it.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I'm not as motivated at work as I used to be. :( I'm on OUAL waaay too much. I would optimally love to work 3 days a week. Jim is getting into a new business venture this June and maybe in two years I'll be able to be a SAHM. I'm not entirely sure I'd like to be home all the time though. I need people interaction and I actually LIKE going to the office. :blush: We shall see what happens in the future.


5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Laughter, support, friendship

[AmyLynn]

Amy: I just noticed that your birthday is in July. What day? Mine is July 15th!

July 28!!

[kim]

Cool theres 3 of us :)

make it 4. up until monday, my dh and i worked at the same company (he just left) at one point we worked in the same call center. :errr:



1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

kim - 38
marc - 31
tony - he'll be 3 on april 22
gianna - 6 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
right now i have no title, but i work in the global services at a major enterprise data storage company. my dept is 'e-services/knowledge management' and currently i'm involved in the testing phase for the rollout of a new web portal for our customers.
marc was a customer engineer here for 7 yrs. he just got a new job as a storage admin in the IT dept of major bank in boston.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
i drop and pick up the kids. i work 7:30-3:30 so i have them by 4pm. when we get home gianna needs to nap. she does not nap well at daycare so she'll sleep a few hours when we get home. i let tony do whatever he wants within reason while i do same :lol:. i rarely clean after work, i will throw laundry in though.

lately marc has been doing a lot of cooking. which is nice. we are split pretty much on everything, and no chores are particularly mine or his. we have a lawn service (mainly because marc tried to do all the fertilizing etc. on his own last year and it didn't exactly work out great :lol: ) but no cleaning lady :(.

eta: i forgot marc does all the bills. not because i can't, but because i'd rather not! i have a rough idea of our expenses, whereas he can tell you exactly what the car payment is.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
we have talked about downsizing our house so i can stay home. since having gianna i hate going to work even more than i did before. problem is housing is so ridiculous here it's hard to find something livable for under 300k.
previously i had convinced myself i could never be a sahm, i'm just not the type. well i think i was just saying that because i knew it would never happen. ...now that it possibly could happen, i'm all for it :lol:. ya know, it sounds cliche but i'm an older mom and i'm just sick of working.



5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
a bigger pity party to attend? :lol:

[Lette]

:rahrah: :rahrah: WOOOO Hooo! KIM is BACK! :rahrah: :rahrah:

[AliMarie12]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Me - Alicia (30)
DH - Joe (30)
DD - Genevieve (Genna) (15 months)
BBU - Baby Boy U. (due July 25th)

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
Me - Legal Counsel (work in politics)
DH - Engineer

We both work FT. Mine is 36 hrs a week, and his is 40+ hours a week.


3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
DH picks up Genna from daycare around 5 PM, they go home, start dinner, and I come home around 5:30 - 6 PM. We have dinner, clean up, and play with Genna for while. DH does Genna's bedtime routine since I get her up in the morning. She goes to bed around 8 PM, and then we try to get a little bit done around the house. DH does the cooking and dishes, I do the laundry, we both pick up the house, but I usually do most of the inside cleaning while he does the outside work.


4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
#2 is on the way, and I am not sure how the heck will get everything done with even less time. Thankfully my job is WONDERFUL and fairly flexible, so I am sure we will make it happen.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Enjoyment out of seeing other happy, working, moms/dads :)

[MamaGoofy]

This is going to be a fun group! ;)

[Alyssa]

Thought this story was appropriate for this thread - interesting example of the balance challenges. :updown:

Yesterday, one of our cars was in the shop. Therefore, Joe had to pick me up at work. From there, I had to then drop Joe off at hockey. The problem was I was on a con call gone way late - it was a 5pm call and I dropped Joe at 6pm and my part had just started. :disbelief TG the kids were asleep. UNTIL...Aidan woke up crying that he had to pee. So not only am I leading this call, but I'm in the middle of a parking lot in a fairly big city and Colin's asleep and child crying he has to pee NOW. What did I do? I finally parked the car as furtively as I could and let him out to pee, with me shielding him...all while talking as cheerfully as possible as I was getting a little heat about a program we're running. Even if I wasn't on the phone, I don't know how else I would have handled it given where we were and where I could have possibly stopped. Egad though. Not a great moment.

[Trish]

That is a good story, Alyssa! :lol: Gotta love being a working mom :aok:

[MamaGoofy]

:lol: Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Thanks for sharing.

[Alyssa]

Here is another recent article that made the rounds, but I thought was applicable to post again. Probably easier to read at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6959880/site/newsweek/ (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6959880/site/newsweek/)

http://c.msn.com/c.gif?NC=1255&NA=1154&PS=73838&PI=7329&DI=305&TP=http%3a%2f%2fmsnbc.msn.com%2f
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/images/MSNBC/msnbc_ban.gif MSNBC.com
Mommy Madness
What happened when the Girls Who Had It All became mothers? A new book explores why this generation feels so insane

By Judith Warner
Newsweek

Feb. 21 issue - Back in the days when I was a Good Mommy, I tried to do everything right. I breast-fed and co-slept, and responded to each and every cry with anxious alacrity. I awoke with my daughter at 6:30 AM and, eschewing TV, curled up on the couch with a stack of books that I could recite in my sleep. I did this, in fact, many times, jerking myself back awake as the clock rounded 6:45 and the words of Curious George started to merge with my dreams.

Was I crazy? No—I was a committed mother, eager to do right by my child and well-versed in the child care teachings of the day. I was proud of the fact that I could get in three full hours of high-intensity parenting before I left for work; prouder still that, when I came home in the evening, I could count on at least three more similarly intense hours to follow. It didn't matter that, in my day job as a stringer for this magazine, I was often falling asleep at my desk. Nor that I'd lost the ability to write a coherent sentence. My brain might have been fried, but my baby's was thriving. I'd seen the proof of that everywhere—in the newsweeklies and the New York Times, on TV, even in the official statements that issued forth from the White House, where First Lady Hillary Clinton herself had endorsed "singing, playing games, reading, storytelling, just talking and listening" as the best ways to enhance a child's development.

All around me, the expert advice on baby care, whether it came from the What to Expect books or the legions of "specialists" hawking videos, computer software, smart baby toys or audiotapes to advance brain development, was unanimous: Read! Talk! Sing! And so I talked and I read and I sang and made up stories and did funny voices and narrated car rides ... until one day, when my daughter was about four, I realized that I had turned into a human television set, so filled with 24-hour children's programming that I had no thoughts left of my own.

And when I started listening to the sounds of the Mommy chatter all around me in the playgrounds and playgroups of Washington, D.C.—the shouts of "Good job!," the interventions and facilitations ("What that lady is saying is, she would really prefer you not empty your bucket of sand over her little boy's head. Is that okay with you, honey?")—I realized that I was hardly alone.

Once my daughters began school, I was surrounded, it seemed, by women who had surrendered their better selves—and their sanity—to motherhood. Women who pulled all-nighters hand-painting paper plates for a class party. Who obsessed over the most minute details of playground politics. Who—like myself—appeared to be sleep-walking through life in a state of quiet panic.





Some of the mothers appeared to have lost nearly all sense of themselves as adult women. They dressed in kids' clothes—overall shorts and go-anywhere sandals. They ate kids' foods. They were so depleted by the affection and care they lavished upon their small children that they had no energy left, not just for sex, but for feeling like a sexual being. "That part of my life is completely dead," a working mother of two told me. "I don't even miss it. It feels like it belongs to another life. Like I was another person."

It all reminded me a lot of Betty Friedan's 1963 classic, The Feminine Mystique. The diffuse dissatisfaction. The angst, hidden behind all the obsession with trivia, and the push to be perfect. The way so many women constantly looked over their shoulders to make sure that no one was outdoing them in the performance of good Mommyhood. And the tendency—every bit as pronounced among my peers as it had been for the women Friedan interviewed—to blame themselves for their problems. There was something new, too: the tendency many women had to feel threatened by other women and to judge them harshly—nowhere more evident than on Urbanbaby and other, similarly "supportive" web sites. Can I take my 17-month-old to the Winnie the Pooh movie?, one mom queried recently. "WAY tooooo young," came one response.

I read that 70 percent of American moms say they find motherhood today "incredibly stressful." Thirty percent of mothers of young children reportedly suffer from depression. Nine hundred and nine women in Texas recently told researchers they find taking care of their kids about as much fun as cleaning their house, slightly less pleasurable than cooking, and a whole lot less enjoyable than watching TV.

And I wondered: Why do so many otherwise competent and self-aware women lose themselves when they become mothers? Why do so many of us feel so out of control? And—the biggest question of all—why has this generation of mothers, arguably the most liberated and privileged group of women America has ever seen, driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom?

I started speaking with women from all over the country, about 150 in all. And I found that the craziness I saw in my own city was nothing less than a nationwide epidemic. Women from Idaho to Oklahoma City to the suburbs of Boston—in middle and upper middle class enclaves where there was time and money to spend—told me of lives spent shuttling back and forth to more and more absurd-seeming, high-pressured, time-demanding, utterly exhausting kids' activities. I heard of whole towns turning out for a spot in the right ballet class; of communities where the competition for the best camps, the best coaches and the best piano teachers rivaled that for admission to the best private schools and colleges. Women told me of their exhaustion and depression, and of their frustrations with the "uselessness" of their husbands. They said they wished their lives could change. But they had no idea of how to make that happen. I began to record their impressions and reflections, and wove them into a book, which I named, in honor of the sentiment that seemed to animate so many of us, Perfect Madness.





I think of "us" as the first post-baby boom generation, girls born between 1958 and the early 1970s, who came of age politically in the Carter, Reagan and Bush I years. We are, in many ways, a blessed group. Most of the major battles of the women's movement were fought—and won—in our early childhood. Unlike the baby boomers before us, who protested and marched and shouted their way from college into adulthood, we were a strikingly apolitical group, way more caught up in our own self-perfection as we came of age, than in working to create a more perfect world. Good daughters of the Reagan Revolution, we disdained social activism and cultivated our own gardens with a kind of muscle-bound, tightly wound, über-achieving, all-encompassing, never-failing self-control that passed, in the 1980s, for female empowerment.

We saw ourselves as winners. We'd been bred, from the earliest age, for competition. Our schools had given us co-ed gym and wood-working shop, and had told us never to let the boys drown out our voices in class. Often enough, we'd done better than they had in school. Even in science and math. And our passage into adulthood was marked by growing numbers of women in the professions. We believed that we could climb as high as we wanted to go, and would grow into the adults we dreamed we could be. Other outcomes—like the chance that children wouldn't quite fit into this picture—never even entered our minds.

Why should they have? Back then, when our sense of our potential as women was being formed, there was a general feeling of optimism. Even the most traditional women's magazines throughout the 1980s taught that the future for up-and-coming mothers was bright: The new generation of fathers would help. Good babysitting could be found. Work and motherhood could be balanced. It was all a question of intelligent "juggling." And of not falling prey to the trap of self-sacrifice and perfectionism that had driven so many mothers crazy in the past.

But something happened then, as the 1990s advanced, and the Girls Who Could Have Done Anything grew up into women who found, as the millennium turned, that they couldn't quite ... get it together, or get beyond the stuck feeling that had somehow lodged in their minds.

Life happened. We became mothers. And found, when we set out to "balance" our lives—and in particular to balance some semblance of the girls and women we had been against the mothers we'd become—that there was no way to make this most basic of "balancing acts" work. Life was hard. It was stressful. It was expensive. Jobs—and children—were demanding. And the ambitious form of motherhood most of us wanted to practice was utterly incompatible with any kind of outside work, or friendship, or life, generally.





One woman I interviewed was literally struck dumb as she tried to articulate the quandary she was in. She wasn't a woman who normally lacked for words. She was a newspaper editor, with a husband whose steady income allowed her many choices. In the hope of finding "balance," she'd chosen to work part-time and at night in order to spend as much time as possible with her nine-year-old daughter. But somehow, nothing had worked out as planned. Working nights meant that she was tired all the time, and cranky, and stressed. And forever annoyed with her husband. And now her daughter was after her to get a day job. It seemed that having Mom around most of the time wasn't all it was cracked up to be, particularly if Mom was forever on the edge.

The woman waved her hands in circles, helplessly. "What I'm trying to figure out—" she paused. "What I'm trying to remember ... Is how I ended up raising this princess ... How I got into ... How to get out of ... this, this, this, this mess."

Most of us in this generation grew up believing that we had fantastic, unlimited, freedom of choice. Yet as mothers many women face "choices" on the order of: You can continue to pursue your professional dreams at the cost of abandoning your children to long hours of inadequate child care. Or: You can stay at home with your baby and live in a state of virtual, crazy-making isolation because you can't afford a nanny, because there is no such thing as part-time day care, and because your husband doesn't come home until 8:30 at night.

These are choices that don't feel like choices at all. They are the harsh realities of family life in a culture that has no structures in place to allow women—and men—to balance work and child-rearing. But most women in our generation don't think to look beyond themselves at the constraints that keep them from being able to make real choices as mothers. It almost never occurs to them that they can use the muscle of their superb education or their collective voice to change or rearrange their social support system. They simply don't have the political reflex—or the vocabulary—to think of things in this way.

They've been bred to be independent and self-sufficient. To rely on their own initiative and "personal responsibility." To privatize their problems. And so, they don't get fired up about our country's lack of affordable, top-quality child care. (In many parts of the country, decent child care costs more than state college tuition, and the quality of the care that most families can afford is abysmal.) Nor about the fact that middle class life is now so damn expensive that in most families both parents must work gruelingly long hours just to make ends meet. (With fathers averaging 51 hours per week and mothers clocking in at an average of 41, the U.S. workweek is now the longest in the world.) Nor about the fact that in many districts the public schools are so bad that you can't, if you want your child to be reasonably well-educated, sit back and simply let the teachers do their jobs, and must instead supplement the school day with a panoply of expensive and inconvenient "activities" so that your kid will have some exposure to music, art and sports.





Instead of blaming society, moms today tend to blame themselves. They say they've chosen poorly. And so they take on the Herculean task of being absolutely everything to their children, simply because no one else is doing anything at all to help them. Because if they don't perform magical acts of perfect Mommy ministrations, their kids might fall through the cracks and end up as losers in our hard-driving winner-take-all society.

This has to change.

We now have a situation where well-off women can choose how to live their lives—either outsourcing child care at a sufficiently high level of quality to permit them to work with relative peace of mind or staying at home. But no one else, really, has anything. Many, many women would like to stay home with their children and can't afford to do so. Many, many others would like to be able to work part-time but can't afford or find the way to do so. Many others would like to be able to maintain their full-time careers without either being devoured by their jobs or losing ground, and they can't do that. And there is no hope at all for any of these women on the horizon.

Some of us may feel empowered by the challenge of taking it all on, being the best, as Tea Leoni's "Spanglish" character did on her uphill morning run, but really, this perfectionism is not empowerment. It's more like what some psychologists call "learned helplessness"—an instinctive giving-up in the face of difficulty that people do when they think they have no real power. At base, it's a kind of despair. A lack of faith that change can come to the outside world. A lack of belief in our political culture or our institutions.

It really needs to change.

For while many women can and do manage to accept (or at least adjust to) this situation for themselves, there's a twinge of real sadness that comes out when they talk about their daughters. As a forty-something mother living and working part-time in Washington, D.C. (and spending a disproportionate amount of her time managing the details of her daughter's—and her husband's—life), mused one evening to me, "I look at my daughter and I just want to know: what happened? Because look at us: it's 2002 and nothing's changed. My mother expected my life to be very different from hers, but now it's a lot more like hers than I expected, and from here I don't see where it will be different for my daughter. I don't want her to carry this crushing burden that's in our heads ... [But] what can make things different?"





For real change to happen, we don't need more politicians sounding off about "family values." Neither do we need to pat the backs of working mothers, or "reward" moms who stay at home, or "valorize" motherhood, generally, by acknowledging that it's "the toughest job in the world." We need solutions—politically palatable, economically feasible, home-grown American solutions—that can, collectively, give mothers and families a break.

<LI>We need incentives like tax subsidies to encourage corporations to adopt family-friendly policies.
<LI>We need government-mandated child care standards and quality controls that can remove the fear and dread many working mothers feel when they leave their children with others.
<LI>We need flexible, affordable, locally available, high-quality part-time day care so that stay-at-home moms can get a life of their own. This shouldn't, these days, be such a pipe dream. After all, in his State of the Union message, President Bush reaffirmed his support of (which, one assumes, includes support of funding for) "faith-based and community groups." I lived in France before moving to Washington, and there, my elder daughter attended two wonderful, affordable, top-quality part-time pre-schools, which were essentially meant to give stay-at-home moms a helping hand. One was run by a neighborhood co-op and the other by a Catholic organization. Government subsidies kept tuition rates low. A sliding scale of fees brought some diversity. Government standards meant that the staffers were all trained in the proper care of young children. My then 18-month-old daughter painted and heard stories and ate cookies for the sum total in fees of about $150 a month. (This solution may be French—but do we have to bash it?)
<LI>We need new initiatives to make it possible for mothers to work part-time (something most mothers say they want to do) by creating vouchers or bigger tax credits to make child care more affordable, by making health insurance available and affordable for part-time workers and by generally making life less expensive and stressful for middle-class families so that mothers (and fathers) could work less without risking their children's financial future. Or even, if they felt the need, could stay home with their children for a while.
<LI>In general, we need to alleviate the economic pressures that currently make so many families' lives so high-pressured, through progressive tax policies that would transfer our nation's wealth back to the middle class. So that mothers and fathers could stop running like lunatics, and start spending real quality—and quantity—time with their children. And so that motherhood could stop being the awful burden it is for so many women today and instead become something more like a joy.

Women today mother in the excessive, control-freakish way that they do in part because they are psychologically conditioned to do so. But they also do it because, to a large extent, they have to. Because they are unsupported, because their children are not taken care of, in any meaningful way, by society at large. Because there is right now no widespread feeling of social responsibility—for children, for families, for anyone, really—and so they must take everything onto themselves. And because they can't, humanly, take everything onto themselves, they simply go nuts.

I see this all the time. It never seems to stop. So that, as I write this, I have an image fresh in my mind: the face of a friend, the mother of a first-grader, who I ran into one morning right before Christmas.

She was in the midst of organizing a class party. This meant shopping. Color-coordinating paper goods. Piecework, pre-gluing of arts-and-crafts projects. Uniformity of felt textures. Of buttons and beads. There were the phone calls, too. From other parents. With criticism and "constructive" comments that had her up at night, playing over conversations in her mind. "I can't take it anymore," she said to me. "I hate everyone and everything. I am going insane."

I looked at her face, saw her eyes fill with tears, and in that instant saw the faces of dozens of women I'd met—and, of course, I saw myself.

And I was reminded of the words of a French doctor I'd once seen. I'd come to him about headaches. They were violent. They were constant. And they would prove, over the next few years, to be chronic. He wrote me a prescription for a painkiller. But he looked skeptical as to whether it would really do me much good. "If you keep banging your head against the wall," he said, "you're going to have headaches."

I have thought of these words so many times since then. I have seen so many mothers banging their heads against a wall. And treating their pain—the chronic headache of their lives—with sleeping pills and antidepressants and anxiety meds and a more and more potent, more and more vicious self-and-other-attacking form of anxious perfectionism.

And I hope that somehow we will all find a way to stop. Because we are not doing ourselves any good. We are not doing our children—particularly our daughters—any good. We're not doing our marriages any good. And we're doing nothing at all for our society.

We are simply beating ourselves black and blue. So let's take a breather. Throw out the schedules, turn off the cell phone, cancel the tutors (fire the OT!). Let's spend some real quality time with our families, just talking, hanging out, not doing anything for once. And let ourselves be.

From PERFECT MADNESS by Judith Warner. To be published by Riverhead books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. © 2005 by Judith Warner.


© 2005 Newsweek, Inc.
© 2005 MSNBC.com

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[jstauffer]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Jen - 29
Russ - 30
Sierra - 3
Sean - 2

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I'm a software engineer and DH works in a bakery. I work full time, about 40 hrs a week (+ about 1-1/2 to 2 hrs of commute time) and Dh works 2 days a week for about 6 hrs.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
Things are hectic when I get home from work at 4:30. Dh usually gets dinner ready while I play with the kids. Although sometimes I like to do dinner. I do all the bills and all the shopping since DH is really bad with money. DH takes care of most of the household chores since he's home more. I usually do stuff like folding laundry in the evenings.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
This whole working full time while having kids is pretty new to me. I started this job about a month ago. It's good because we were struggling financially for a long time, but it's really hard to not be doing the SAHM thing anymore after doing it for almost 4 years. Sometimes I really miss my kids. :(

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Support from other people in my shoes. A good pity party when I need it :lol:

[Brooke]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Darren, 35
Me (Brooke). 29, will be 30 in June
Rebekah, 3
Baby #2 due October 15

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I'm a fire protection engineer. I work full time, 40 hrs a week. I might ask to go down to 3 days a week after Baby#2 comes but I'm not sure my company will let me.
Darren is an estimator and service manager for a commercial roofing company. He's full time, too. He works more than 40 hrs a week.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
Ugh! So busy! I get home, make dinner, clean up dinner, we run whatever errands we have to run (we're trying to stay home more, though), and then bath, TV time, then bed. Rebekah doesn't go to bed until 9:30-10pm every night. DH and I don't go to bed until close to 11:30pm every night.

I do most of the chores. Darren takes care of the trash, yard work, and poop detail. Sometimes Darren helps with cleaning and laundry. He's been doing more lately. I do most of the rest. I am totally responsible for our meals and our bills.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I struggle alot because I don't work for a very mommy-friendly company.
I like to read, scrapbook (no time, though), and sew.

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
I'd love to feel less alone and less of a minority.

[gulp!]

Jenn, I just have to say that you and Robyn are an absolute inspiration. I don't know how you guys do it! You both should be really proud of yourselves, that you're taking such good care of your kids all on your own. :)

[mama2jackson]

I often feel guilty for being so happy working and being out all day. I couldnt imagine myself being a SAHM. And its not even money issues since money isnt an issue. I enjoy my time with Nick and never feel like I am less of a mother for deciding to build my career and work my way into a corporate world. I would hate to see my education go to waste. I am more successful than many men in my office and I think it bothers them. (sometimes DH) I would love a place to just get out my frustrations and have the support of other working mom's/dad's.
Denise

Very well said D! I am a pretty happily working mama too! I'm thankful that I get to "balance" my week out with having Wednesdays off, but I honestly don't think I could be home 7 days a week. The other thing I'm extremely thankful for is Jackson LOVES LOVES LOVES school! He has done beyond wonderfully since we put him in the school last July! It was definately one of the best decisions we have ever made!

I'm so glad to see everyone joining in!!!

[mama2jackson]

I was laughing at Steph's and D's comments about being on OUAL during the day...that's pretty much the ONLY time I am on OUAL! I'm lucky because in my office, my computer doesn't face out, so it looks like I'm just typing away on some brief :lol:! The good thing is, I can prioritize very well, so my work is always done :nod:!

[Brooke]

I'm not as motivated at work as I used to be. :( I'm on OUAL waaay too much. I would optimally love to work 3 days a week.

I'm the same way.

I just don't care about my job anymore. I don't WANT to climb the corporate ladder or take on more responsibility because that means longer hours and more stress. Darren can easily leave the house at 5am and get home at 6-7pm in the summer and still have work to do. I can't have a job that demands the same from me because I HAVE to be available to take care of the kids.

[mama2jackson]

I'm the same way.

I just don't care about my job anymore. I don't WANT to climb the corporate ladder or take on more responsibility because that means longer hours and more stress. Darren can easily leave the house at 5am and get home at 6-7pm in the summer and still have work to do. I can't have a job that demands the same from me because I HAVE to be available to take care of the kids.

I also feel the same way. I'm happy, but that's because I have made sure I do NOT have tons and tons of responsibility...it's a relatively easy job...some stressful moments (like before trial and during trial), but in all reality, it's just right. My husband has been trying to convince me to go to law school for years now and I'm just not interested...I like being able to leave the office at 4:40 and not think about it until I go back the next morning.

[Alysia]

Tracey~ I totally understand that too. Brad keeps pushing me to apply for supervisor/management positions when they come open at work but I am just not interested... of course I don't really like my current job that much anyway. But, I think I would hate a supervisor/management position even more

[Livia's Mommy]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Erin, 32
Chris, 31
Livia, 2

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
Officially - my title is Director of Public Relations for a small import company. But, I tackle it all. Our company buys/manufactures product in China and sells it to retail stores/catalogs/etc. I handle PR, marketing and I also do a lot of product development/communicating with the Orient. I work full time from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. I have a bad commute - about one hour as we live in the burbs and I work in downtown Dallas.

Summing up DH's workload is insane. He works as an outside sales rep for a custom cabinet company - selling only to new construction (homebuilders) On top of this, he started his own homebuilding company in late 2003. He currently is in the middle of building 12-15 homes this year. Hopefully, he will be able to leave his sales job soon b/c Livi and I don't see too much of daddy. He typically leaves the home at 7 a.m. and gets home shortly before 8 p.m. He works 7 days a week w/the hours being slightly less on the weekends.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?

I pick Livi up at daycare at 6 p.m. or shortly before...depending on traffic. We run home. I either cook or grab something (more often than I should). We eat and try to hit the bathtub by 7 p.m. I get Livi all ready for bed and typically DH plays w/her and rocks her ... depending on when he makes it home. We unwind and watch some TV/read once she is in bed. DH works on the computer at home for his own business every night from about 9 p.m. to midnight. Yes...his workload is nuts!!!!

I handle all of the house stuff - cleaning, laundry, bills and such. We do have a cleaning service every three weeks that helps a lot! I am primarily responsible for Livi. DH always helps out when he is home, though. DH is in charge of trash/outdoor/yard responsibilities.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.
I often struggle with my role as a working mom. I question whether I want to be a SAHM when it is possible and I am never sure. I enjoy interacting with adults and being stimulated at work. I enjoy reading (currently addicted to THE LAST JUROR) and I have a terrible TV addiction (mostly reality shows) that has been fueled by getting a DVR (best invention ever).

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?
Sharing stories w/one another makes me feel human....just knowing there are others out there with similar crazy schedules!!

[MamaGoofy]

I wanted to be a SAHM when I first had David. I returned to work when he was 3 months old and I thought I was going to die. After about 3 months I realized that me being a working mom was the best thing for both of us. I needed to be out in the world and speaking with adults. While I loved the 3 months with my son, I was going a bit stir crazy. I couldn't handle being in the house all the time and we didn't really have the money for me to join "mom clubs". The hospital had a free gathering thing and I went a couple times but the ladies there were so snotty and cliquey not to mention that it was during David's nap time so either he was sleeping or really cranky. I love being a working mom. I have more patience with David and I feel like Melissa. I don't know how to explain that last sentence. Hopefully y'all will understand.

Robyn and Jenn: My hats off to you ladies. I know how hard it must be for you. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I remember my mom having to go back to work. Only she had no skills and had to go to school in order to get a decent paying job. I remember "studying" with her at night. Your children will look up to you as wonderful strong role models! I applaud you both!!!

[mama2jackson]

I wanted to be a SAHM when I first had David. I returned to work when he was 3 months old and I thought I was going to die. After about 3 months I realized that me being a working mom was the best thing for both of us. I needed to be out in the world and speaking with adults. While I loved the 3 months with my son, I was going a bit stir crazy. I couldn't handle being in the house all the time and we didn't really have the money for me to join "mom clubs". The hospital had a free gathering thing and I went a couple times but the ladies there were so snotty and cliquey not to mention that it was during David's nap time so either he was sleeping or really cranky. I love being a working mom. I have more patience with David and I feel like Melissa. I don't know how to explain that last sentence. Hopefully y'all will understand.

Robyn and Jenn: My hats off to you ladies. I know how hard it must be for you. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I remember my mom having to go back to work. Only she had no skills and had to go to school in order to get a decent paying job. I remember "studying" with her at night. Your children will look up to you as wonderful strong role models! I applaud you both!!!

Ditto! I went back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and was miserable. It took me about 9 more months to realize that we were making the best decision. I needed to work, but I needed to be HAPPY with that...it took me a while, but I finally got to that place. What has REALLY helped me realize that is Jackson being so happy at his school! My IL's were watching Jackson for the first 14 months and it nearly killed me, but making the switch to daycare has done wonders for everyone involved (well, not for the IL's, but it was their own fault).

I applaud you single mommy's too! I'm pretty much a single mommy (only I have a wedding ring) and it's TOUGH!!! There's no breaks! I'm glad we are all here to support each other!

[Robyn]

Robyn and Jenn: My hats off to you ladies. I know how hard it must be for you. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I remember my mom having to go back to work. Only she had no skills and had to go to school in order to get a decent paying job. I remember "studying" with her at night. Your children will look up to you as wonderful strong role models! I applaud you both!!!

:hug99: Thank you Melissa! Some days I still feel guilty for going back to work but I also know that right now it's what is best for all of us. Financial stuff aside of course! Working gives me the time away to interact with adults and so when I am with the boys I'm fresh and ready to deal with all the 'kid problems' that tend to frequently happen in our house!

[MamaGoofy]

It's hard but so worth the effort!! You are a great mom and a very strong woman!!

[gulp!]

Tracey, I didn't mean to leave you out! :doh: I don't know how you do it, either! I couldn't handle DH having a job that took him away that much.

I singled out Robyn and Jenn because they had their worlds turned on their heads recently, and are coping (and coping WELL) with their new lives.

But any of you that work and do the lion's share of the childcare when you are not working, deserve a big HUGE medal. (Or at least a massage or something....) :awink:

[mama2jackson]

Tracey, I didn't mean to leave you out! :doh: I don't know how you do it, either! I couldn't handle DH having a job that took him away that much.

I singled out Robyn and Jenn because they had their worlds turned on their heads recently, and are coping (and coping WELL) with their new lives.

But any of you that work and do the lion's share of the childcare when you are not working, deserve a big HUGE medal. (Or at least a massage or something....) :awink:

Don't worry, I wasn't left out! I can only imagine how Robyn and Jenn feel! :hug99: Oh, and I do have a massage therapist on my payroll :lol:! It's a godsend! Now, if I can only figure out how to get a cleaning lady back on my payroll...I would be smokin' happy!!!

[bunybomb]

Alyssa, I can totally relate to your adventure of conf calls with kids. I had one last night myself. Thankfully I was on with internal people instead of customers. My 2 year old was being a chatterbox in the car and I asked him to be quiet since I was on the phone. He yelled at me "Get off the phone mommy"! :blush: I frequently do audio and web conferences from home in the early morning which isn't easy with two kids at home. That's when the TV serves as a babysitter. :lol:

When Alex was born, I was able to stay home for 4 months. 3 months were maternity leave and 1 month working from home part time. When I came back to the office, I was able to work 4 days a week. That one extra day was a godsend. I received a promotion when Alex was one and had to come back full time. I would like to go back to 4 days/week, however it won't be happening anytime soon. I'm ok with that. I love my job, I'm thriving in my job, but have no aspirations to move up the corporate ladder. I make good money and can provide excellent benefits for my family.

My biggest chore is getting the kids off to school/daycare and picking them up. I'm the only one who does this. My DH works such long hours he misses the timeframe for daycare on both ends. This is the one area I really would like a break on once in awhile, but know that others deal with this as well.

Hats off to Jenn and Robyn! I hope we can support you well here. Also Tracey, my DH works long hours but at least he does come home at night. I don't know how you do it. :hug99:

Well, that was a lot of :blahblah: for nothing huh? :lol:

[mama2jackson]

Honestly, I don't know any different. We were lucky though to have Josh home during Jackson's first year, but before and after that, he's always been gone. Although, now if the first time we are dealing with the lengthy "being gone" time frame. He has always been close enough to come home every weekend, but not it's just not feasible. I'm just going with the flow and loosing my mind all at the same time :lol:!

[MamaGoofy]

Hopefully we can bring back some of your sanity Tracey. If nothing else we can all go insane together!!

[gulp!]

I love my job, I'm thriving in my job, but have no aspirations to move up the corporate ladder. I make good money and can provide excellent benefits for my family.

:nod: I agree with this. There used to be a time when I was more driven and more interested to make it up the corporate ladder. Especially since my industry is still very male-dominated. But after having kids and moving to a part-time schedule, I'm just not willing to work all hours anymore. My kids come first. I'm already trying to figure out how I can adjust my schedule so I can attend my kids' sporting events! :lol:

I know that because I'm only part-time, I've probably taken myself off the career track for a while. There's a woman who was promoted to VP (my level) a few years after me, and I suspect that at some point, she's going to get promoted above me. I have to come to terms with that. Some days, I'm totally o.k with that, and others, it bothers the hell out of me. Especially since I've proven that I can do my job and do it well, while still working a flex schedule.

[MamaGoofy]

Add me to the list of not wanting to climb the corporate ladder. I actually just discussed this with my manager earlier this week. I am happy where I am. I want to do my job the best I can but have no aspirations to move up. She completely understood.

[mommyLil]

I agree I tototally admire all you single moms out there or those with DH's that travel we barely get by from day to day and theres two of us (and right now only one child)

I also agree about losing motivation, I really have big time. To the point that my performance at work was called into question. I got back on track but still strugle.

So here's a question for the mom's who said they wanted to be SAHMs but couldn't than eventually reached a peace with it. HOw did you get to that point. I've been trying since I went back to work when Nick was 4 and 1/2 months old and I am no where near that point. I know he does okay with his daycare provider Heck Nick, DH and I all adore her... Actually of all the parents I've ever met she is the closest to my parenting views out there so he is getting very similiar care but I still have yet to reach that inner peace about working, I still cry when I leave him nearly daily. Even though I know he's in great hands. I've really been trying to come to terms with it and just can't. Its not about Nick, its about me not wanting to lose that time with him.

[MamaGoofy]

It just happened. I don't know how to explain it. One day when David was 6 months old and was having a cranky day I realized that I don't really have the patience to be with him all day. I am the type of person that has to do something for myself. Working is my outlet. At work, I get to be me. Not mom or wife..just Melissa. I was losing myself being at home. Now don't get me wrong. If we had enough money and could afford me to be home and be able to be part of Mom and child groups that require paying I would maybe do it...I really don't know. I really like the adult interaction.

Every one is different. I felt guilty when I first left David at my aunt's house (she was the first one to watch when I went back to work). Then my SIL was watching him and I felt pretty good about it until I had a really bad experience and I really second guessed my decision to come back to work. Then we found this really awesome lady and I felt good about my decision. Now that he's in school I wouldn't have it any other way. I devote a lot of time to David when I am home. I never feel that he is a burden or an inconvience to my life.

So to answer your question..It just comes to you one day. Can you tell that I am bored at work and would really like to go pick up David and take him to the park and play on the slides!!! :lol:

[Darcy]

Ooh, I'm here! That's what I get for not being at work yesterday (Riley had pinkeye) and then the nerve of me to actually do work this morning! :rolleyes:

What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.
Darcy, just turned 29 on Saturday
Phil, 30
Riley, 16 months

What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?
I'm an associate editor for a publishing company. Since we all have kids (most I'm sure have "noisy" books), those are the books we publish. I don't work on them, per se--that's for the children's department. I work on general books, from sports to gardening, scenic drives to homework helpers, you name it, we've probably done it. Up until this week I worked in the office Tuesday-Friday with Mondays as my "work-at-home" day. I can't remember the last time I actually "worked," though, so it was nice to get paid for 5 days. I was supposed to have this benefit taken away in February, but I slipped through the cracks (you get the benefit for a year once you return from maternity leave). I switched departments in January, and nobody said anything, so I just kept taking Mondays off. But another coworker just found out her time is up and she's not getting an extension (she had her baby 6 weeks after I did), so I'm afraid my Mondays will be up momentarily. Enough about that!

Phil is a human resource generalist who works way too much. He's at the office probably 9-10 hours a day, which stinks, especially because on days I work, Riley is at daycare at his work. So that just makes it longer that I don't see her. :( He has an interview on Tuesday, so we're hoping something good comes out of that.

What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?
My day after work is pretty much the same. An hour commute then when Phil and Riley get home he makes dinner while I entertain her. We usually all try to eat at the same time, then I clean up the kitchen, and he puts her in her jammies or gives her a bath. Then we have playtime, which usually consists of a book or two and playing. I'm sure this will all change with the weather getting nicer. I still am nursing her in the morning and evening, so I'll nurse her and he'll put her to bed around 7:15-7:30. Then we get up at 6 and do it all over again.

As for bills, I've always been the one to do them. Phil takes care of phone calls and appointments, and I pay the bills. Works for me!

Share anything else you would like us to know about you. We just put our place up for sale this weekend, so that's been stressful. We're in a townhome now and looking for a house with a backyard. Right now we back up to a pond, which is nice--if you don't have kids you need to keep an eye on! Plus the time is just right.

I'm also hoping that once we have our second kid I'm able to stay at home. I feel racked with guilt either way--for working or for staying home--especially because on some Mondays, or even yesterday, I snap at Riley and get so mad at her. I yelled at her yesterday and then we both started crying, and I wonder if I can actually stay at home with her every day. And I feel guilty, too, because what did I go to school for?! To stay at home?! Or to find a PT job at a grocery store just to make ends meet if I can stay home? But I can't see myself at this job either for the rest of my life, so who knows?

What do you hope to get out of this journal? I hope to learn that others are going through what I'm going through, and that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I have some coworker moms here who I can talk to about certain things, but there are other things I feel that I can't tell them (like about wanting to quit someday). I'm just glad there's a place I can "talk" about this stuff.

Phew! :)

[mommyLil]

See I'm jealous of the being you at work thing and maybe thats part of my issue. The place I'm least able to be Lil is at work. My co-workers just live vastly different lives than we do. And I find that I have to be quiet during most conversations and can't really speak my mind. Its not that I don't like my co-workers I do, and switching teams has helped a lot but at the same time, I still don't feel I get to be me because I'm often holding back and on edge. I'm much more me when I'm with my other mommy friends in the area. I mean even right as I type this there is a conversation going on about how vegetarianism is unhealthy for pregnant women... Its being said knowing I'm sitting two cubes away and can probobally hear everything and that I'm pregnant vegetarian as they say it... I should speak up and show them all my research on how its healthy and in most settings I would but not in this one.

[MamaGoofy]

See that's were our personalities are completely different. If I heard people talking about me or some of my beliefs as if I couldn't hear I would speak up. That's just how I am though. At work I don't care what people think of me. They can like me or hate me; either way my job will be done. I have ruffled quite a few feathers at work. I am a very blunt person and often have been referred to as not having a "filter" on my mouth. My reponse...so. I am not a quiet or shy type person. I have always been very opinionated and outspoken. You can always speak your mind here. I will always support your choices!! :hug99:

[gulp!]

Are those people pregnant or vegetarians? If not, I'd speak up and tell them they have no idea what they are talking about!

[gulp!]

Happy Belated Birthday, Darcy! You are living my dream right now- we too live in a townhouse, and I'm forever bugging DH that I want to move somewhere with a backyard!

[Eleanor]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren. Eleanor 33, Andreww 33, Isabelle 3 1/2, Rebecca 13 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT? I'm a family practice physician; DH is a chiropractor/naturopath. He's in the process of starting up his own office, so he doesn't have set hours yet. I'm in the office about 35 hours a week, which will increase, probably, when I get busier, and have more paperwork. I also do hospital work, which takes up a variable amount of time.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided? I usually pick the girls up from daycare/DH drops them off- sometimes we switch. One of us makes dinner, and the other plays with the kids. DH does baths, and we both do bedtime stories- he sits with the kids after bedtime until Isabelle falls asleep- it varies which of us puts Rebecca to bed. Weekends...really depends on whether one of us is working. We do swim lessons every Saturday, and often go to the coffee shop for a snack, or to the bookstore for storytime. DH does the bill paying- the chores we usually divide up, depending on who has the time for them...I'm doing more now, because DH is getting saddled with bedtime all the time.

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you. This is the most I've worked since the kids were born...I did temp work filling in for Dr's who were out on leave before, and would often have stretches of time where I didn't work, and stayed home with the kids. I know I'm not great as a stay at home mom...but it's pretty hard being a working mom, too. I get frustrated with Isabelle more often than I'd like (she's a "spirited child"), and I get frustrated by not enough "me" time...

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal? People to share experiences and commiseration with!

[Darcy]

Happy Belated Birthday, Darcy! You are living my dream right now- we too live in a townhouse, and I'm forever bugging DH that I want to move somewhere with a backyard!

Thanks. I don't think anyone's ever told me I'm living their dream. I'm flattered. :) Honestly if we don't move now, we'll go crazy. We're both so ready for our "own" place, even if we do "own" the townhome now. Know what I mean? It's just rough because right now I feel sometimes we're having a hard time making ends meet. I cannot imagine what a higher mortgage payment will do to us. *sigh* Guess we'l cross that bridge when we get there.

[Robyn]

I am the type of person that has to do something for myself. Working is my outlet. At work, I get to be me. Not mom or wife..just Melissa. I was losing myself being at home. Now don't get me wrong. If we had enough money and could afford me to be home and be able to be part of Mom and child groups that require paying I would maybe do it...I really don't know. I really like the adult interaction.


:nod: Well said Melissa! That is EXACTLY how I feel! It's nice to just be 'Robyn' for a change...I am 100% happier now than I was 3 months ago...although other circumstances also play a role. But I mean myself as a person.

And thank you to all of you for your support...it means so much to me:hug99: Honestly I'm doing what I'm doing because I have to, to survive. It's in a mothers instinct to protect herself and her children, and I suppose that is what I have done. But it really helps that even though I HAAVE to work I enjoy it as well!

[Shanna2]

1. What is your name, age, and names and ages of DH and child/ren.

Me - Shanna - 31, almost 32
DH - Ray - 47 :blush:
Leah - 3
Francesca - 9 almost 10 months

2. What do you and your DH do? How many hours a week do you both work. Are you FT or PT?

I'm in charge of the compliance and ethics program for a health insurance company. I'm very full-time. I get to work at about 7:30 and always try to leave by 5, but I work at night after the kids go to bed a few nights a week. Ray is mostly a SAHD, but he's a part-time adjunct professor and teaches 1 -3 classes each semester.

3. What is your day like after work and on your days off? How are the household matters [chores, bill paying, etc] divided?

I'm lucky that Ray stays home, because it makes our mornings easier than most of you have it. I get up with the kids, spend some time with them in the morning and then leave them with him. :) Evenings are crazy. If it's a day that he teaches, they're even crazier. :lol: Both kids clamor for my attention, I'm trying to cook dinner, you all know the story. :rolleyes: I do all the cooking, but Ray does all the laundry and day-to-day picking up. We have a cleaning lady every other week, which has been a godsend. He's in charge of bills.

We try to kick back more on weekends. Ray always wants some time away from the kids after being with them all week, so I try to give him that without being resentful about working two jobs. :lol:

4. Share anything else you would like us to know about you.

I also love to read and miss having more time to do it. :(

5. What do you hope to get out of this journal?

See that people are going through the same crazy things and be around others who don't judge mothers for working (not an OUAL gripe, but more of an IRL gripe).

[Brooke]

See I'm jealous of the being you at work thing and maybe thats part of my issue. The place I'm least able to be Lil is at work. My co-workers just live vastly different lives than we do.

This is me, too, but not for the same reasons as you, Lil. My coworkers are (almost) all men...either single men without kids or men with kids and SAH wives. They can work 60+ hrs a week and they don't have to worry about what's for dinner, who's picking the kids up, or if the laundry is getting done. Someone does that all for them.

It's so hard working in this environment. Not a single person here is excited about someone being pregnant. (well....except for the secretaries but I'm an engineer and I can't really spend time talking to them because their boss is very strict). So I feel like I have to hide it and downplay it. They don't understand "I have to pick my kid up" or "Daycare doesn't open until 6:45am so I can't be 1.5 hrs from the office at 7am likeyou want me to". They just don't care.

Oh...and the real kick in the pants - the company recently decided to pay for a plan that pays for your care when you get old and need a nurse or a nursing home. But they don't have ANY maternity leave or short term disability. :rolleyes: And the crazy rules! I can't use my sick time to care for a sick family member. Only if I'm sick.

It's just a very not-family-friendly place to work.

Can you tell I hate it?

[mommyLil]

Oh man Brooke that just sounds awful... I thought I had it bad where I was but I can't imagine no matternity leave thats horrible, do you get the time off unpaid? Its tough being a woman in a technical field and my company is one of the better ones for that but there is still an underlying prejuidice by many old timers... I'm lucky in most people in my company are very young.

See I should speak up... but I've learned not to bother, everything turns into a battle with me being the bad guy with this group of people. If I said you know being pregnant and a vegetarian is actually quite healthy if you do x,y,z and don't worry about me, I'm very educated on nutrition than it would somehow be turned around that I'm telling the pregnant woman in the original conversation she's being unhealthy by not being a vegetarian, even though nothing I'd say or think would imply that... I just kind of got defeated with this group and stopped bothering, I know they do this to get a rise out of me I just have no idea why.

[mama2jackson]

Brooke~ I can't imagine being one of the few women at work! I can understand how unhappy that would make you! We don't have paid mat. leave either. Just the FMLA time period since that's the option now for employers. We have to save up to make sure we are okay for my next mat. leave. As for your sick time, do you have to tell them WHY you aren't coming in? I don't see why it matters if you have, say 6 sick days, who cares how YOU spend YOUR sick days?

[jstauffer]

Brooke ~ I know how you feel. Now I work with a great group of engineers, but I'm the only woman too. And I was in the same situation when I was pregnant with Sierra. Nobody at work was interested in my pregnancy at all.

But I'm excited for you! :)

[bunybomb]

I feel finding the right daycare before going back to work was key for me. I would hate my job, if my kids weren't happy. They are very happy and are doing great. My DD who's 10 is a latchkey kid for the first time this year and she loves it. My DS who's 2 is in a GREAT in-home daycare. I'm very happy with our situation and that makes coming to work even better. I don't feel quilty one bit and my kids are thriving!

[Alysia]

I am so excited that everyone is so interested in doing this!!

After being home with a sick baby for 3 days, I am thrilled to be back in the office for a few hours today! :lol:

I dream about being a SAHM but I just don't think I could do it! I love spending time with Genavieve but sometimes I just need the adult interaction so I don't go crazy!

What I would really like to do, is work part-time once she is school-aged so I can be home when she gets home from school. My ILs have been her daycare since I returned to work up until last Friday. So, that certainly made it easier for me to go back to work and not worry about who was watching her. But, now she is going to daycare 2 days a week and spending 3 days with the ILs...

Ok, I need to get back to work! I have one more hour to go tonight!

[gulp!]

Brooke, I completely understand. Every one of my bosses have SAHM wives, so they completely don't understand it when you can't be there at all hours of the night, etc. It frustrates me to no end!

[Brooke]

As for your sick time, do you have to tell them WHY you aren't coming in? I don't see why it matters if you have, say 6 sick days, who cares how YOU spend YOUR sick days?

I don't have to tell them, for the most part. I don't even have to tell my boss, really. I just have to call in to the secretary so they know where I am. Just in the past 1.5 years they've actually said that the amount of sick time you use will be considered in your review. AND they said that we should be saving at least 1/2 of our sick time every year and carrying it over! So, I get 10 days of sick time a year, and I've been there for 7 years, so I should have 7 weeks (35 work days) of sick time saved up. HA!

Alot of the secretaries/word processors have kids and families. So most of these new rule