How did you deal with the transition?

[asta]

I apologize if this gets long, but...

Ever since Sam was born 3.5 months ago, almost every night I've had a dream where I wake up in a panic because in the dream he is being smothered in the blankets in our bed (I wake up searching the bedcovers for him), or he's falling out of our bed (I usually end up grabbing my dh by the arm thinking I'm saving the baby from falling out of the bed...) or something similar where Sam is somehow physically in trouble. Now, we NEVER co-slept--Sam slept in his crib from day one--so it's not like this could ever happen. Last night when I woke up again, I think I finally realized that there are two things making me have these dreams: 1. Lack of control and 2. Guilt.

I feel a lack of control because I love Sam so much, and there's always the chance that something bad could happen to him. And I can't help but feel that since I'm the one staying home with the baby that if something should actually happen, that it would be all my fault. Which brings me to the next topic of guilt. I always feel like I should be doing "more". When I am cleaning the house, I feel like I should be playing with the baby, when I'm playing with the baby, I think I should be getting the grocery shopping done, and along with all of this, I feel like I should be contributing financially to our household. I just got my official last paycheck from my old job, so from here on out, I have no income.

All of this pressure I solely put on myself. Dh is great--always telling me that raising a baby IS a full-time job and that the housework aspect is extra. He never says a thing about the fact that I have the privilege of getting to stay home with the baby while he has to go to work every day.

Another thing is that while I didn't particularly love the last place I worked, I loved my career. I've been looking for a part-time position nights/weekends in my field, but nothing has come up yet. It made me feel like I was not just contributing financially to our household, but that I was really helping my community. I know I could do volunteer work in my field, but I really do need to find a part-time job to help make ends meet (since I just got my last paycheck as I mentioned above), and I'll probably end up taking a job I don't particularly like.

So, what I'm asking is, how did you all deal with the transition to SAHMhood? Was it easy or difficult for you? How has your life changed, and what did you make a priority to keep the same from your pre-SAHM days? How do you find balance?

Thanks so much for reading all this--just needed to get it out.

[~Andrea~]

I'll give you a more in depth answer later, but yes, it was dificult, despite being my life-long dream!!

[Mrs.Greevy]

I am subbing because I am thinking of becoming SAHM and this is a very good topic and I am interested in the answers

unfortunatly I have no answers for you just :bighug:

[~Andrea~]

OK, ready for the long version?? :lol:

Since I was a little girl I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and a SAHM at that. I love kids and was involved with them in some way since I was 12 (babysitting, nannying and teaching). I went to college to become a teacher and subbed for a few years before getting my last job as a pre-school teacher. I LOVED my job (even though the pay SUCKED) and I loved (still do) my co-workers. I struggled with infertility, but was lucky enough to get PG on my 2nd round of clomid. I was estatic! On top of the world. This was what I waited my whole life for, literally!

I told my boss upfront in June that I'd be back the next year, but I was leaving when my baby was born (I was due in February). She was OK with that and happy I was honest with her. She gave me my sub as my aide and all was set on the professional end. As Christmas drew near, I was getting more and more excited to meet my baby, but I also started feeling something I wasn't prepared for. I was so sad about leaving my job, my class and my co-workers. It wasn't something I was prepared for as I really wanted to be a SAHM.

I came back from Christmas break on a Thursday and on Friday went home like it was any other weekend. I was suppossed to work until the following Friday (the 10th), but my daughter had other ideas. She was born on Sunday January 5 (4 weeks 1 day early). So for me, I never got that "closure" you know the good-byes etc.

Since my DD was born in the dead of winter and born 4 weeks early I don't think we left the house other than to go to the doctors and once to my parents in over 8 weeks. I was lonely and sad and depressed that I wasn't overjoyed with being a SAHM. I was tired and sore (I didn't heal right "down there") and sleep-deprived. And I was poor. I knew we'd have to make some sacrifices, and we weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but we were comfortable and when I quit my job, John was starting a new job (lower initial pay but better long term) and we fell behind in some bills.

Things took a LONG time to adjust, and in all honesty while we are used to it, it is still a hard adjustment over 2 years later. You have to know what you are getting yourself into and you have to understand what you are giving up. Even then, it's still an adjustment.

I can say that I don't think I could have survived going back to work. I don't know how working mothers do it. I could barely get off the couch some days. I remember 6 weeks PP thinking I can't imagine going back to work right now. Aside from the seperation anxiety, I just didn't have the ENERGY.

I didn't cook the first few months, or if I did, it was mostly prepared crap. Clean my house? Ha! I still can't get everything done. Partly because it just got so overwhelming and partly because I'd rather be doing fun/education things with my daughter.

You will adjust. Some people have a much easier time than I did. You can't imagine the guilt I felt for not being ecstatic about being a SAHM. I love DD and I love being home with her, but it was more of an adjustment than I ever imagined.

Good luck!

HTH

[asta]

Andrea, thank you so much for your heartfelt response--it really has helped me a lot. It could be that I am having a more difficult time because, like you, I had my first baby in the dead of winter and so have been kinda "trapped in the house" for months. I guess any new situation, no matter how ideal, does take some time to adjust to. And I know that if I were still working full-time I'd be miserable --even at a job I love--because I'd just be missing out on so much that is happening with my baby every day. And also like you, I had some fertility issues, so the fact that I have a beautiful, healthy baby at all is truly a miracle. I will find balance eventually--that place where I am fulfilled in all aspects of my life--it is just gonna take some time and patience. I am making new friends--women who also stay at home with their children--and I think that will help a lot having a network of people to talk with and share with.

Thanks again for your support and taking the time to tell me your experiences. I know I've made the right decision for me, it's just a matter of rearranging the other pieces of my jigsaw life.

[macsmom]

By the way, I am not a stay at home mom, but a working mom, but I also feel a lack of control because I love my daughter sooo much (I was worrying it was too much until I saw your statement), and I always worry (not obsess but worry) that something bad is going to happen. Just wanted you to know you are not alone! (and I am happy I am not alone).

[asta]

By the way, I am not a stay at home mom, but a working mom, but I also feel a lack of control because I love my daughter sooo much (I was worrying it was too much until I saw your statement), and I always worry (not obsess but worry) that something bad is going to happen. Just wanted you to know you are not alone! (and I am happy I am not alone).

Thanks so much for responding. You're right--so much better knowing others feel the same way and have the same worries and concerns. It's been almost 2 months since I originally posted, and I am adjusting better, but still not fully there. I now have a part-time/substitute job in my field that will definitely help with several aspects of my life--still contributing some financially, getting out of the house more so I can better appreciate how great it is to get to spend each day with my son, and once again feeling some fulfillment on a professional level. I'm still a work in progress, but making a few more strides each day... :sunny:

[macsmom]

I will say this, that working outside of the home definitely forces me to focus my energies on something besides my daughter's welfare (which i think I would constantly dwell upon if I were home all day (that's just me folks, not to say it would be the same for all stay at home mommies).

[KristenF]

I work 2 days a week while my mom watches the boys, and am home alone with them 3 days a week. Though I'm technically a p/t working mom, I sort of think of myself as "some of each." I know how long the days are and how much work it is being home but how wonderful it is to be with them, I know how refreshing it is to get out of the house but how meaningless my job is compared to home the guilt of being away from them, and how hectic it is to squeeze a day's worth of parenting into those few hours before bedtime when I get home.

Zack is nearly 3 1/2, and I am STILL a work in progress! I wrote a sentence in a journal about motherhood the other day that bluntly states: "I don't know if I will ever find BALANCE." So it struck me when you wrote the same thing. On paper my life looks perfect, and every way I slice it, it is. But somehow stuff still gets to me, I am human I guess, and life can be hard-especially motherhood. It's not as romantic as it seems when you're pregnant :lol: And yes, the LOVE is as overwhelming as the laundry.

Not all women go through this, but I know without a doubt my hormones took AT LEAST 6 months to adjust, where I wasn't crying so much and wasn't so overwhelmed by all the changes in my life. The changes are dramatic in themselves, anyone would find themselves off kilter, but add the estrogen crash and it's like living on a rollercoaster of extreme joy and extreme discontent. FOr me, I felt like it was more than the baby blues because it was more than 2 weeks, but less than ppd because I could function just fine and had as many good moments as bad ones.

If you find yourself overwhelmingly preoccupied with worry about your baby boy's health and safety, please let your doctor know. It's not uncommon to develop anxiety when your deep intense love for your baby mixes with your knowledge of general health issues and the realization of what little control we sometimes have over our world. My best friend suffered for over 2 years before getting help, if you think the worry is taking over, dont wait to get treatment.

I'm still learning how to deal with motherhood on a daily basis, but I've come a long way with starting to accept that this is how life it right now-unbalanced, all over the place, never enough time-to take care of the house, care of myself, enjoy my kids... I have to work though I don't want to, but I want to get out of the house even when I don't have to... I feel SO much better when I just breath in and out :lol: This crazy time in our lives when our babies are little is so temporary-I may not get organized and feel like I'm in control of everything while they are little, and ya know what? that's okay. (VERY hard for me to accept, but is IS okay!) In perspective of life, they will only be little for like, a minute. It just helps me to keep this in the forefront of my mind when I feel overwhelmed.

So my long-winded self has taken over once again-I know there are other moms that feel the same way I do, and that always helps me SOO much!

Kristen