I know everyone says it is a phase and that kids will switch back and forth between which parent they prefer; however, that has NEVER happened in our house. A stranger would think DH is apparently abusing Caroline or something, by the way she acts. And I will say that blame lies on both sides; DH isn't the most involved parent in the world, and becomes even less so when all she does is scream "Go away, I want Mommy!" :dunno: The last time he gave her a bath was when she was still crawling, I believe. And his work schedule during tax season has him leaving before she wakes up and getting home after she goes to bed most days from February-April, so that doesn't help either.

However, I don't feel like I can punish her for her behavior because she didn't cause the situation, kwim? Or should I be disciplining her for her reaction to it? I.e., yes, daddy isn't home much right now, but you do not scream in his face and run to hide the minute you see him. :dunno:

Our pediatrician suggested that several nights a week I have dinner on the stove when DH gets home and I go out somewhere, but living in the boondocks that would mean I either go walk around the grocery store or sit on a park bench!

Thoughts? Ideas? Commiseration?

Rebekah does that with me to some extent. She doesn't want Darren to get her dressed or to give her a bath or make her dinner. But she will let him take her to school or out to Home Depot or something.

Personally, I'd go sit on the park bench and read, or just take a walk and have some quiet time. Is there a book store near you? Or a little diner/reasturant where you can get coffee and dessert and read for a little while?

How about a :hug99: ? I'm sure that's got to be rough on you.

I agree with your ped- you need to force some more alone time for them. Slowly but gradually introduce it. Like when tax season is over, maybe try to have DH read her some stories at night or put her to bed while you stay far away, in the opposite corner of the house. Or, if knowing you are in the house doesn't work, use that time to run out for groceries or to the bookstore (you read at one sometimes when Caroline is in school, don't you?) Or what if DH takes her to something special, like the movies?

Ooh, or have DH take her out on her bike. That's one of her favorite things right now, so after dinner, have him take her out for a spin around the block.

Hope it gets better for you (tax season is almost over!)

I don't really know what to offer as for advice other than what has been suggested. I can give you some :hug99: I am sure this is rough on you.

I agree with your ped as well. You need to force them to spend time together. Plus it will give you a break, even if it's just to sit on a bench and read. And definitely don't discipline her for it - as you said, it's not her fault.

Good luck,

Dennis

You do need to stress the time together. You also do need to address how she treats him. Who cares if he's never there? She shouldn't scream in anyone's face or hide from him just out of respect.

Maybe doing a craft for daddy or really talking daddy up would help. I had to do this with Jake when his dad and I got divorced. He was 3 so I wanted to make sure that even though they only saw their dad on weekends, they still had a close tie to him. Anything we did I would say "We need to show this to Daddy" or "Maybe we could do this for Daddy" or "Won't Daddy love to see this".

Can she call him during the day? Maybe she needs a time to talk to Daddy every day. Just to keep them connected.

I agree with what everyone has said.


She needs alone time with Daddy -- if you cant go out for a bit, why doesnt he take her out to the park to play, or put her on her bike and take her for a ride up and down the street while you make supper? He doesnt have to spend hours with her, but 10 min here and there will go a long way in changing her behavior towards him.

I also agree that yelling and her dad and hiding from him is disrespectful. Again, this should stop if he gets to have alone time with her more often.

I'll just agree with everyone else. She needs time with Daddy. I would just make sure you talk about Daddy a lot and if he's going to watch her while you go out, I would make sure she knew that ahead of time. "When Daddy gets home, Mommy is going to go out and you get to spend time just with Daddy! Won't that be fun?" Really play it up.

Anne, I could have written your post. My DH is gone well before the kids are up and isn't home until almost 7pm each night. That means the kids see him for about an hour each day. Unfortunately this is year round. My DH says that I'm to blame because he feels I baby the kids. This is entirely untrue. I don't baby, I nurture and am consistant in my care for them. There is no one else since he is not home.

Alex behaves similar to Caroline at times. Alex hits and pushes Chris away and wants mommy. He screams at him, tells him to go away and "I don't like you daddy"! Chris gets mad and after his 12 hour days, has no patience to even try. I've tried to explain that because of his absence from everyday routines, the kids are naturally going to depend on me more. It's not anyone's fault. Dylan does it to a certain extent and she is 10. Chris can be sitting right next to her, but she seeks me out to help. She doesn't know how to connect with him.

When I do go out, away on business, etc. the kids are perfectly fine with Chris. I talk it up, like Theresa suggested, that they will have fun with Dad. They do enjoy the time he spends with them. I don't like that it has to be forced though. I encourage Chris to take the kids with him when he goes to get gas or run an errand. Even if it's only 15-20 minutes. It's a battle to get him to agree but when he returns home, he is so glad that he did take them.

I live in the boonies too. I go to the grocery store, get a Starbucks and read greeting cards!

Remember, kids aren't dumb. This could be her way of "punishing" him for not being there. She (and Alex and Dylan too) may be thinking: "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me. I can't get close to you, because you'll leave, so I'm going to be in charge and push you away. Then my feelings won't get hurt." KWIM?

I dealt with this very thing today with a client of mine and his daughter. It's very hard. And what was worse is the Dad was crying and he's a big tough convict with tatoos all over!

Can you go see a movie one night a week?

I can relate in a way. My kids don't have the extreme reaction to Alex that Caroline does to James, but being SAHM with clingy children (Harry in particular) gets very overbearing. Some nights I just want to relax with a glass of wine after dinner and let Alex do the bedtime routine, and it just grates on my nerves to hear Harry and/or Emily insisting that only Mummy can read their story or help them brush their teeth :tearhair:

I like Shel's suggestion of always talking Daddy up and having her phone him during the day :nod:

Just agreeing with what everyone has said already..... :)

I read an article on this sometime last year. It suggested having your DH take over a routine and stick to it! No matter how much Caroline protests, have him give her her bath EVERY time....or read her story EVERY night (after tax season is over that is.....)....or whatever will work for you guys. Eventually, she'll get it that Daddy has a special role and that thing is his special job and their own time. :)
Leaving the house would make things easier for your DH because then Caroline wouldn't have a choice except to spend the time with him.....you might not have to do it ALL the time, just at first.

Hope you can find something that works. :hug99: If it makes you feel any better, Alex does this now and then with having a preference. I work PT and DH works out of our home, so Alex see us both all day long for the most part.

Remember, kids aren't dumb. This could be her way of "punishing" him for not being there. She (and Alex and Dylan too) may be thinking: "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me. I can't get close to you, because you'll leave, so I'm going to be in charge and push you away. Then my feelings won't get hurt." KWIM?


Reading this makes me so sad. :bawl: I hope someday soon my DH realizes that he needs to change jobs for his kids sake.

I'm sorry to hear that Caroline's rejecting him like that. It can't be easy on you or James. :( I think all the advice has been good.

Some nights I go eat on my own and let Brad handle dinner. I do like family dinners, but there are times that I just need a break as soon as Brad gets home. I usually go upstairs because if the kids can see me, they'll ask for me. If you do have to actually leave - which you might - you could go read magazines at the grocery if that's the only thing near you. :dunno:

Also, what about a date night (after tax season) for James and Caroline? Like others said, you could really talk it up, and I know how much Caroline likes to get dressed up and stuff. It wouldn't even have to be anything big, but if she feels like she's getting all dolled up and going somewhere she likes, it could be special to her.

I thought the advice of James taking over a task would be good. :nod: Even if it's something as simple... as long as that's their thing, ya' know?

Oh, and Caroline loves art, right? Maybe y'all could make James something special. I know that was already mentioned, but I thought it was a good one. ;)

Great idea Stacey. Have Caroline dress in one of her princess dresses and have James take her out to her fav place ie: Bob Evans. Afterwards they can get icecream and have a great evening.

I think everyone is giving you some great advice and I am not sure I can add any but I can tell you this from my experience.

When Tylor was born I was 18 and DH was 16. While I only went to college, DH had Highschool and then he worked a job. Tylor didn't see him much and responded to him very much like Caroline is doing with your DH. We did what a lot of people are suggesting. Tylor and Daddy had work day on Sunday's after church. I would go do something with friends or with my family and DH and Tylor would go out to the garage and work on something, or build with lego's or play computer games. More and more we worked more time in and then when DH graduated and had a full time day job it worked out fine. Tylor grew out of his "I Don't like Daddy" Stage and they are the best of friends.

I really think that a lot of this has to do with how much your DH is gone durring this season..I agree that once tax season is over He and Caroline really need to have some dates together!

Jayne