What to do?

[Silke]

Natascha was suposed to clean her room on Saturday. Natascha refused to clean up her room. She sat in timeout on a chair in the hallway for almost two hours. Of course, she worked in snail pace. I kept checking and telling her what still needs to be picked up. So on Sunday, DH told her to get those things off the floor (wasn't that much) in 30 minutes, she got so pi$$ed that she started throwing one of her screaming shows. It is hard to describe....hysterical screaming with labored breathing.....hyperventilating...."I can't breath" statements.....coughing....hysterical crying.....:rolleyes: She has been doing that since the tantrums started when she was little. Such a drama queen and totally out of control. We had our ups and downs with that but lately she seems to act like her old 5-year-old-self. I told David, the next thing she'll do is needing diapers again. :disbelief I was going to let her scream and cry....and let me tell you, she can go on for hours......but Kyle started to cry....so I had to put an end to it. I picked her up as she was, and browsed her off with cold water in the shower. That got her attention. I don't know what to do with her anymore. So I called our pediatrian yesterday. He thinks, she has gotten herself into some bad habits and it's time for her to see somebody because I sure as hell cannot find out what is causing that. I do spend time with her and so does David. I just don't get it. :sad: She just won't tell me. If I asked her how she feels, al I get is a shrug with the shoulder.

[~Andrea~]

I'm not sure how to get her to open up, but as for getting her room cleaned, what worked for me (when I was her age) was taking away something important to me. In my case it was my phone. As soon as my phone was taken away, my room was cleaned in NO TIME.

[Jayne]

WOW..I am so sorry she is putting you through this. I have never had any problems with Tylor (in fact he loves to clean his room ..SILLY BOY) but I agree with Andrea...

Take things away. Meaning if she gets computer time take it away..and not for a day but for a whole week. Make bed time a half hour sooner. Different things like that. I think that at her age she can understand what she is doing and has found it gets her attention (be it the wrong kind) Stay firm with her and I think it is great that you called the Dr. Hopefully they can help you all through this.

Jayne

[MelissaM]

Oh dear....

I am not sure I know what to say. Two things strike me but I don't know if you want to hear it :(

Soooo...that being said,

1. She is too old for a time out chair. And making her sit there for two hours is not going to do anything except MAYBE break her spirit. If that's what you want to happen then ok, but really, it still didn't work...she became even more determined to get her own way. So obviously, in my opinion, that is not really the MOST effective way to be dealing with her right now.

2. Is there a reason you care if she is being slow? I mean...did you have to go someplace or were there plans that you had that she was interrupting? This is what I am reading from your post: You asked her to clean her room and she didn't do it fast enough for you so she was punished. Am I correct?

I guess my point is two-fold: She is too old for that particular punishment...for a 9 year old being put in time out is not only inneffective but it is humiliating. I would stop that immediately (just my opinion of course!) As well...I am wondering what your expectations of her are...what was she doing that was so wrong? She moaned and groaned and went as slow as cold molasses going uphill...but what did that matter? She was doing something wasn't she?

Maybe your ped is right...maybe she DOES need someone to talk too, maybe she IS having some troubles or habits that you can't figure out...maybe she should go talk to someone...there is no shame in admitting that you can't do anything with her or you are at your wit's end :bighug:

[Jayne]

You know after reading Melissa's post I thought of something.

When ever we have things to do we let the kids no first thing in the morning. Take cleaning their room. If Tylor was told to clean his room I would tell him that it had to be done before 4:00 pm because at that time he was going to his grandmothers. He could do what he wanted and take his time but he needed to be done at 4. His clock has an alarm and he usually sets it on his own. I have found that if he know's it will take him about an hour to clean his room and he wants to do other things first he will set his alarm for say 2:30 so that he can play until then and then clean everything in time! Maybe you need to give her more credit and more responsibilty for herself. Sounds crazy I know but if you tell her things differently it can make all the difference.

Cleaning her room could be more rewarding..I know it is for Tylor. He loves his clean room.

SO if I tell him that on Saturday I would like him to clean his room and then maybe he and I can spend time in his room working on a new art project for his wall or something of that nature. Those things really are great ways to motivate kids!

Jayne

[MelissaM]

Now Jaynes post made ME think of something...we are not tag teaming here I swear! :lol:

Maybe you are being TOO directive - clean it up in this amount of time, pick this up and that up and do it when I tell you kind of thing....I think that Jayne might be onto something with giving her MORe freedom to do her chores as SHe needs to. Obviously within reason, but maybe if you relax a little about it she will see that she has the freedom that she needs to do things in her own time..

Does that make sense?

[Silke]

That makes all sense. I just wished it would be that easy...with motivation and giving her more time.
This is what she does. I tell her she needs to clean her room on Saturday by dinner. I have to remind her to get started or she conveniently forgets. If I don't check on her at all, she won't clean at all. Instead the rooms gets worse. Of course the motivation part works...like going somewhere fun, but then she'll expect to see this happening everytime.
I really would like to give her more freedom on doing those chores. I just know that she won't do any of it unless I keep checking on her. We have tried that before. I guess, it is all down now to an issue of trust.

Melissa, we didn't start the timeout until Saturday because she simply refused to do anything at all. Well, it didn't work anyway until I told her that we'll pack everything up in her room besides books, pens, dresser and bed. Then there wouldn't be so much to clean.

[Silke]

Oh, taking privileges away is what we used to do. Now we hear: I don't care.

[~Andrea~]

first of all that's a preteen thing :lol: She probably DOES care, but doesn't want you to kow that. Secondly, what about a chore chart?

[Jayne]

YES...a chore chart...Maybe we are all teaming off one another :lol:

What if she had a chart..even with stickers..THEY STILL LOVE STICKERS at this age...SHe has to do a certain few things with in the week. She can put the stickers up as they are done. HANG this proudly in a downstairs location so she can show it off as she does things. Then maybe if she completes all her chores with little to no hassle she can have a reward (meaning all chores for the month) It can be as little as renting a movie of her choice or getting to have a favorite dinner. Rewards don't have to be huge. They can just be something special for her. Getting to stay up 1/2 hr longer to spend some time with mommy playing a game after her brother has gone to bed. ( on a weekend of course) Instead of punishment..and saying I will take this away..maybe make it more about the positive..

Jayne

[MelissaM]

first of all that's a preteen thing :lol: She probably DOES care, but doesn't want you to kow that. Secondly, what about a chore chart?

Good point! :lol: I am sure that "I don't care" is probably the TAMEST thing you will hear over the next few years...

Stickers, stamps, hell...tape a quarter on each day and she can keep them all at the end of the week - whatever works for her. You have to find her currency Silke - said in my best Dr. Phil voice - what workls for her, what doesn't work for her...punishing this child does not seem to work. you have to start looking at things a bit differently - instead of punishing use REWARD! (or bribes...whichever way you want to interperet that :lol: )

[MelissaM]

Of course the motivation part works...like going somewhere fun, but then she'll expect to see this happening everytime.


There ALWAYS has to be motivation for doing things...it may not be "going somewhere fun"...but everything that we MUST do is always easier when there is some type of reward or payback. We as adults like to keep the house clean. We may hate doing it but we still do it. What we GET from that is a sense of accomplishment, a sense of peace and sense of a job well done. Little kids don't get those philosophical reasons...it just goes way over MOST of their heads. What you need to do is find the motivation that she needs.

Please don't take this the wrong way but right now, what you have been doing is trying to motivate her by threat of punishment or fear...and that does work for some children...but it doesn't work with Natascha...so you need to focus on the more direct POSITIVE motivation - like a chore chart, or a fun activity, or an extra half hour of playing, or even something as simple as "If we get all of this done, Mommy will feel SO much better and then we can have time to spend together!" or something along those lines....

[Silke]

We had a chore chart a long time ago when she started Kindergarten. Well, we arfe going to dig it up again. The movie rental idea is great. She would love that. Reading all this...punishing doesn't seem to help. We have done the motivating part, reward system and all.....it just doesn't seem to last very long. What do you do to keep them interested/motivated? Change the rewards?

[MelissaM]

Totally change the rewards! And let her have some input as to what they are as well...give her a little bit of control over what gets done, how and what the payoff is and I bet she will become easier to get along with :nod: Eventually, she will develop her own internal rewards...as an adult should, but she is just much too young for that right now.

As well...don't forget positive reinforcement!!! SO SO SO important...when she does a good job PRAISE her...let her know how proud you are of her that she accomplished her goals. Be her cheerleader and her coach...when she is behaving well...NOTICE that, point it out, tell her that you appreciate her and appreciate her effort. All of those things will go a long way in giving her motivation as well!

[MamaGoofy]

Melissa: Will you be my mommy? You sound like such a good mommy!!!


Sorry for hijaking your thread! :blush:

[MelissaM]

Melissa: Will you be my mommy? You sound like such a good mommy!!!


Sorry for hijaking your thread! :blush:

:sunny: You just made my day!!!!! :bighug:

[MamaGoofy]

:sunny: You just made my day!!!!! :bighug:

:)

[Silke]

I thought, I pass on some good news for a change. I have been reading to Natascha for over a month now every night. If I can't then my DH does it. We have went through three Narnia books together and just started our 4th one. Natascha is so much better and easier to get along. I got my child back. So far no more lying and major attitudes except the normal pre-teen stuff. :awink: We have not started a chore chart. DH and I still need to talk about this, but she hasn't really griped as much except when it comes to cleaning her room.

[~Andrea~]

I'm glad you found something that works for you and Natascha both!! :hug99:

[MelissaM]

Woohoo!!!! Awesome news!!!!

[MamaGoofy]

:devil: Can I ask the same question I asked my mom all growing up. I still don't get it and I am a mom now..
Why do children need to keep their rooms clean? Aside from the dirty dishes and the like. Who cares if their toys are all over the room and clothes are hanging out of the dresser? It's their room and if they want it dirty why do parents make them clean it? I never understood and still don't. Maybe it's the rebellious teen still in me!! :devil:

[Joan]

Melissa, good point. I think you should start a thread! We only make Sean clean his room when it starts to effect his work, getting ready for school (can't find things, no clean clothes, etc.) Probably 3 times a year!

[Silke]

Oh, Natascha doesn't have to clean her room just to clean her room. It's either because you can't physically get to the closet or to the bed anymore. She just throws everything on the floor. To do that she needs less than a few days. :lol: So we like for her to clean up her room once a week. I have major dust mite allergy so we need to do some good cleaning once a week.

[MamaGoofy]

Hmm maybe I will start a thread. Thanks ladies for your info. Dust mite allergies...good reason! ;)