Still Lying

[Silke]

From my journal.
Here is the story about Natascha. I think I am finally cooled down enough.

Just for some info. Natascha is ten and is in 4th grade. We have had issues with this since 3rd grade. Before X-mas she earned herself through a chip-reward system a new school bag. This was discussed in this thread: http://www.onceuponalife.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12016

When she was sick with the flu, I had picked up all her school assignments from school, otherwise she would be so far behind. She was out for a whole week. Well, she did about half of her work, then went back to school for a week and then had a week vacation. Her teacher told me that she could finish the rest during vacation. So Natascha and I sat down together and came up with a schedule so that she would have all the work done before last weekend, giving her a free Saturday, Sunday, Monday. It was one assignment in the morning and one in the afternoon. When Natascha is off from school she comes to work with me. I have been so busy lately that I didn't have time to check on her constantly. I stopped by to tell her that it was time to start the assignment. I saw her pull out the book and get started, and I went back to the lab. When I returned, she said she was done and I believed her. Well, that went on for three days. On Monday I asked her if she was sure that she had done everything. Yes was the answer.

Wednesday night I get a phone call from the teacher that she didn't turn in any work and that she is behind in math now and had done very poorly on the test. So I called Natascha and confronted her. Her jaw dropped. I just knew then......she had been lying to me and David for days. I was so PISSED. :furious:I told the teacher that she would have all the work made up by the end of the weekend. We have tried positive encouragement, reward system, pulling privileges. I know I told her that I wouldn't punish her for telling the truth, but even though she didn't ly to me when I confronted her about it, she had lied to me enumerous times about it before. So....Natascha got her first real spanking. I was too hot, so David took on that job. I probably would have killed her. I just can't stand that I can't trust my child at all now. I had been wanting to trust her again so bad. So now we are back into checking everything. Tuesday I went through all her stuff in her room...not cleaning, just checking. She has snuck candy behind my back again, hid paperwork for me from school. I just don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday, I called the teacher in her presence to confirm that she had turned in the papers that she claimed she did. Well, to find out she did do two reports, but just didn't turn them in.

What the heck is wrong with her? She just doesn't seem to think at all of the consequences. Sorry for the major vent.

I just feel like such a bad mother right now. How come that my child doesn't get the message that lying is not OK. How come that my child doesn't get the message that school work is important?

Melissa, I so hope, you'll find this. I need help. :tearhair:

[MelissaM]

Honey, I found it....I wish I had time to respond better but I am on my way out.

I do have to say though that I need to compose myself a bit better before I respond because I am just a little disturbed by the fact that you decided to employ that discipline on her. I have to get my nerves under control before I can respond in a better way - otherwise I would focus on that and that wouldn't be very productive ....and not really what you need to hear. :)

[MelissaM]

Ok...I had to come back :)

First thiings first. Spanking this child at that age is not productive and if I could be so bold to assume, probably is going to increase you problem right now rather than fix it. You were incredibly angry - and rightly so - and you took your anger out on her in a physical way. I know you saw no other option...I really do...and I am in NO way coming down on you because of it...but let's assume that that was a one time deal and you tried it out and it didn't work...I can't possibly imagine that you want me to respond to a problem where that particular action is ever an option right? :) If it is...and this is something that you are going to continue to do, that's fine but I will just bow out and let other people try to help you...

Ok...now onto the real problem....

A few questions:

1. Is she lying about anything other than school work?
2. What is her routine after school?
3. Does anyone help her with her homework...sit with her while she completes it?
4. What is her behaviour like in school? How about at home?
5. When did this all start? When did you first notice?
6. Who is she hanging out with at school? at home? what are her friends like?
7. Is it only Math that she is neglecting?


OK...I'll wait for you to answer those before I get into some ideas :)

[Silke]

1. Is she lying about anything other than school work? Yes, that is why we got so mad. This was the biggest thing to us yet.

2. What is her routine after school? I usually pick up her directly from school at 3:30pm. Then we pick up her brother. She then gets a snack and starts her homework in her room. If I can't, then she goes to extended day. There, she gets a snack, plays and then has instructions from me to get started on her homework.

3. Does anyone help her with her homework...sit with her while she completes it? She knows, she can come to me if she has questions. I have been working a lot more hours lately, so when I get home I have to cook dinner and take care of a cranky toddler at the same time. Since her brother can be quite loud, she has been doing her homework in her room. He also distracts her. She does have a desk with her own computer since they are using it quite a bit for assignments. She does do her homework but I did notice that it is taking her longer. She just didn't do it when she had to make-up schoolwork because of sickness when she was at work with me. No, I don't have the time anymore to sit with her, but since that occurrence she is doing her homework on the kitchen table again so that I can keep an eye on her. I can also catch that way if she is taking too long on a problem.

4. What is her behaviour like in school? According to the teacher, she is the sweetest child. No behaviour problems from there at all. She does know her manners in public. How about at home? Well, that is a different story. She backtalks, is lately disrespectful, does things even though I didn't allow her after she had asked for permission. She just won't take No for an answer anymore. It turns out to be that big argument. I do give a reason when I say No and have been doing this since she has been little even though she might not have understood it then. Well.....she just likes to push our buttons right now and push those set boundaries.

5. When did this all start? The lying started in 3rd grade. She was falsifying her HW assignment pad, tore out pages, and I caught her red-handed. The backtalking started then, too. We have been trying to positively enforce her doing her HW and giving me all the paperwork. She earned herself a new school bag before X-mas. I had put up a prize for a 1st A in math (she got that), and a shopping spree at Limited TOO for a first A in math with no mistakes is still up. She almost made it before X-mas. She is very smart, but has a hard time paying attention to tiny details and that's what gets her in math. So I was trying to put up a few incentives. It had gotten better, but since she earend her bag and since we came back from X-mas vacation, it has gotten a lot worse. When did you first notice? Well, as said before in 3rd grade and then after X-mas, but the big disaster about the school work (not her regular work, but the make-up work) this Wednesday.

6. Who is she hanging out with at school? Two of her best friends moved back to Europe in 3rd grade. In 4th grade, she was put in a class with no ties to any of the kids. I was pretty upset about this. The school had separated her from her last friends. She usually plays with her old 3rd graders in recess.
at home? That is a problem and always has been. There are no kids in her age in our neighbourhood or kids that she likes. Since school is out so late, with me working and her HW, there is no time for playdates during the weekday anyway. On the weekend, I try to meet up with my best friend as often as I can. Her daughter is Natascha's age and her mother and I are on the same page.
what are her friends like? I know that Emma-Kate, my friend's daughter, I feel, is more disrespectful towards her parents than my daughter, but my friend doesn't see it that way. About Taylor, I haven't really see her interact with her parents. The girls that moved back to Europe were very respectful to their parents. I thought of them much better behaved than my daughter. They were much more self-motivated on HW, too. So, actually, there are not many friends around and, I guess, that is partly my fault, too. I have tried to arrange playdates on the weekend, but a lot of the American friends are sooo booked up that they have no time. She used to be together with her German friends during the weekdays quite a bit. They used to do HW together and then played, but they had to spend their time with the family on the weekend. I remember, Natascha told me that she has nobody in school now when they left.

7. Is it only Math that she is neglecting? She prefers to do spelling. She is a champ on that one, but she has the same motivation issues when it comes to reading a book for a book report. She is a very good student and has no problems in math besides not reading her assignment carefully enough and therefore making mistakes. She loves math. We do fun math here and there. So I don't understand it at all. I guess, she just doesn't want to do her HW. I have a hard time getting her to study for tests. That can be social studies, science etc. I guess the only subjects that I have never heard any complaints in regards to doing her work is spelling, foreign language (she actually won the Spanish Award last year), music and arts.
It is just school work in general.


Just to ease your mind. This was her first spanking and, no, I didn't like it. I don't want to have to resort to this again.
Thanks for helping.

[MelissaM]

Ok...thanks first for answering the questions so thoroughly - and thanks secondly for not getting upset with me for my unsolicited critique of your discipline method :)

Ok...I talked to many a pre-teen about this (I used to be a teacher in my former life) and the results of my labours were summed up in this post on a different site - which shall remain nameless :lol:

I have been lurking in this thread and the other one about "creative punishments"...and I really did not want to get involved because, quite frankly, I don't use punishment as a deterrent in my house....

That being said I have been dwelling on the theme of lying that has come up here...and I just have to add a comment or two, then, I promise, I'll go back to lurking http://baby.ourlittleuniverse.com/images/smilies/lol.gif

It seems to me that children lie for very specific reasons...not just for the hell of it. Children lie:

1. To get attention
2. To divert attention away from something they have done or not done
3. Because they are afraid of getting in trouble
4. Because they do not trust their parents
5. Because at some point they have been taught that lying is appropriate OR in extreme cases, a survival technique

I guess I am just wondering...in a very non-confrontational way....in the middle and in between all of these creative punishment sessions that you all are having with your children, has anyone tried to get to the absolute bottom of their behaviour? WITHOUT the threat of punishment, has anyone attempted to ask their children about their motives or reasoning? I swear I am not being uppity...I just am truly wondering....


From what you have posted, I can honestly suggest that the one main thing you have to do right now is find out WHAT she is doing in math and MAKE the time to sit with her and help her. I know it sounds like an impossible task - especially with other children in the house, but right now, I believe that Natascha needs some of your undivided attention. It doesn't have to be every day...it could be once a week you or your husband sit with her and go over everything that has been taught that week. I realize that you have told her that she can come to you if she has trouble but the problem with that is that it puts the onus of responsibility on HER. She may be embarrassed that she doesn't understand something, if you are busy she may not want to bother you, she may THINK that she is doing fine when in actual fact she is not...there could be a hundred different things stopping her. YOU need to bite the bullet and get right down into the nuts and bolts of what she is doing. Especially in math...watch her to see what areas she is struggling with, math is the type of thing that if you don't understand one concept then regardless of whatever else you are doing you are NEVER going to get the answer right KWIM?

It sounds to me like there are some trust issues on BOTH sides here. You need to give her some good quality one on one time without rewards or bribes or blackmail or threats. And if you can't do it then your husband can. And if HE can't do it then find the money for a tutor....she is crying out for help here Silke and you really need to catch it before she falls into further trouble.

Now...as to the other issue of her behaviour at home. I hate to sound condescending but - welcome to the trials and tribulations of raising a pre-teen girl! Oh my dear...they are bad...bad isn't the word for it. :lol: What she is doing at home is TOTALLY normal. She is pushing her limits, she thinks she knows everything, she can't find respect for you....oh it's ALLLLLL normal :) (I could launch into a speil about why THIS particular age is such a dangerous time to suddenly start physically punishing her but I'll save that for a differnt thread :) ) Your reaction to her behaviour is what is shaping it. The madder you get, the more she will push. the more you punish, the more she will rebel. She is slowly starting to realize that she is her own person and she is skirting the edges of adolesence - this is a critical time for her - for ALL of you in this relationship. You need to build on it, not tear it down....VERY important!!!

[MelissaM]

Oh..one other thing...she MAY be suffering from some concentration problems as well...is there any way...just to rule out all possibilities that she can be quietly tested for her learning ability? I am not suggesting that she has anything wrong with her, but different children have different learning methods - some learn visually for example, others learn through examples, some can study like mad and recite pages word for word, others can generalize...

It sounds like she is having trouble with all of her concentration and study subjects. Don;t be too quick to diagnose her with laziness or apathy - it is possible that there is somethng else going on as well. :)

[MelissaM]

What's "extended day" Silke?

[Silke]

Thanks for answering so promptly. Writing this all out, made me realize, too, that she just can't do her HW by herself even though other kids can at that age. I just wonder, when she will be eventually be able to responsible on her own with the HW? And, yes, she does have a problem asking for help, even the teacher.
Sometimes, I think, she wants attention, but can't get it because of her little brother. We have been trying to counteract this by the two of us going shopping alone, taking her to the movies. Maybe I need to make some time in the evening for her to read a book a book to her.

oh it's ALLLLLL normal Somehow, I knew I wasn't alone on this. :lol:

Your reaction to her behaviour is what is shaping it. The madder you get, the more she will push. the more you punish, the more she will rebel. She is slowly starting to realize that she is her own person and she is skirting the edges of adolesence - this is a critical time for her - for ALL of you in this relationship. You need to build on it, not tear it down....VERY important!!!
How is the best way to react? I have tried to ignore her whining. She like goes up in tears for everything. :rolleyes: She has been like this since a toddler. On the backtalking and disrespect, we have been telling her that we won't listen unless she uses a different tone.

[Silke]

What's "extended day" Silke?
That is what her school calls the morning and afternoon care. They offer their own.

[Silke]

Oh..one other thing...she MAY be suffering from some concentration problems as well...is there any way...just to rule out all possibilities that she can be quietly tested for her learning ability? I am not suggesting that she has anything wrong with her, but different children have different learning methods - some learn visually for example, others learn through examples, some can study like mad and recite pages word for word, others can generalize...

It sounds like she is having trouble with all of her concentration and study subjects. Don;t be too quick to diagnose her with laziness or apathy - it is possible that there is somethng else going on as well. :)
I guess, I could check with her pediatrician on that one. I know she doesn't learn by writing it. They make those index cards for studying, but she doesn't retain any of it although she copies the definitions word for word. I discovered that she is an oral learner. I make her say things out loud. That works really well. And afterwards I quiz her. I can give her examlpes, too, if she has a problem of understanding. I am a chemist and know all about science. :biggrin: Plus my father is a teacher, too. I know what teachers like to ask in tests. I know, she doesn't like me quizzing her because I can pick up very quickly wether she studied or not. I usually read the book, too, and go through the main concepts and questions with her together. The hardest part for her was going from the first part of 3rd grade to the second part. At the beginning, they had study sheets, then that wasn't enough anymore. They have to study from the book now, write out their own definitions, etc. Sometimes I think it is too much independent study. She goes to a private school and that is probably the reason for that.

[Silke]

By the way, when she studies how I showed her, the tests turned out really great. Natascha's problem is, she doesn't get that this is the way she needs to study to be successful. Sometimes she totally resists me trying to help her. She has been doing that since kindergarten. :rolleyes:

[MelissaM]

Thanks for answering so promptly. Writing this all out, made me realize, too, that she just can't do her HW by herself even though other kids can at that age. I just wonder, when she will be eventually be able to responsible on her own with the HW? And, yes, she does have a problem asking for help, even the teacher.

Oh sweetie, I think you would be suprised...even those kids that ARE able to sit and work completely on their own cannot do it all. A child that age that can work completely independantly is a rarity. Honest to God - my Jennifer is 16 and I STILL help her with her homework when she asks...I would say though that once she hits Grade 7 - she should be able to work on her own and just ask you to check things over and give help when she needs it. Right now - she needs you to sit with her. And if she has a problem asking for help...all the more reason for you to sit there and keep watch :)


Sometimes, I think, she wants attention, but can't get it because of her little brother. We have been trying to counteract this by the two of us going shopping alone, taking her to the movies. Maybe I need to make some time in the evening for her to read a book a book to her.

EXCELLENT plan!! It's so hard to divide yourself between children - especially when one is a toddler. I know - I am going through it as well :)

How is the best way to react? I have tried to ignore her whining. She like goes up in tears for everything. :rolleyes: She has been like this since a toddler. On the backtalking and disrespect, we have been telling her that we won't listen unless she uses a different tone.

I think that simply calmly explaining things to her will actually work. One of the things that children absolutely HATE is arbitrary rules and schedules that they have no input on. Perhaps it would be an idea for you guys to sit and talk about your expectations as well as HER expectations - and you BOTH follow the rules that you have set out. Telling her that you will respond when she talks to you nicely is a good step - but explain to her WHY you don't like it. Tell her that it makes you feel bad and makes you upset that she thinks this is an ok way to talk to you. Tell her that it confuses you because you really want to understand her but you can't if she doesn't open up and start being truthful. The mkore honest you are with her the more she will learn to respect you - not because of fear of punishment, but because of natural gained respect.

Believe me...starting that process NOW will help you immensly when she actually becomes a teen :)

[MelissaM]

They have to study from the book now, write out their own definitions, etc. Sometimes I think it is too much independent study. She goes to a private school and that is probably the reason for that.

If she studies well from sheets one idea for you is to sit with her and BOTH of you make a sheet for her to study from. That way she may retain some information, she learns HOW to make the sheet herself and you are right there to help point out what is importnant and how she can remember it. She is MUCH too young IMHO to have good study skills...she needs to learn them from you :)

[Silke]

She does get sidetracked very easily when she is doing her work. So keeping her in the kitchen and putting her back on track might just work except with a crazy distractive toddler running wild. :lol: I have actually been thinking of going to work earlier (I am still tere than extra hours) so that it would be easier to still pick her up after school. Then go straight home, start on the HW / dinner before toddler days, and then get her brother. I will see less of Kyle, but that might be what she needs. Unfortunately, a lot of last minute things at work happen in the late afternoon, so, hopefully, I can pull this often enough.

[MelissaM]

By the way, when she studies how I showed her, the tests turned out really great. Natascha's problem is, she doesn't get that this is the way she needs to study to be successful. Sometimes she totally resists me trying to help her. She has been doing that since kindergarten. :rolleyes:

She's too young to understand that. She is only in third grade after all :) She needs to SEE that...for you to PROVE it to her by continually encouraging her to study that way. If she doesn't want you to help her then get her Dad too...or as I said before, perhaps she will be more willing to listen to a third party like a tutor....

[MelissaM]

I hate to ask a stupid question and please forgive me for being blunt....but where is your husband in this equation? Can't he help out in the evenings?

[Silke]

If she studies well from sheets one idea for you is to sit with her and BOTH of you make a sheet for her to study from. That way she may retain some information, she learns HOW to make the sheet herself and you are right there to help point out what is importnant and how she can remember it. She is MUCH too young IMHO to have good study skills...she needs to learn them from you :)
We have sort of been doing that except making a new study sheet. I'll get on that today. She has two tests next week.

[Silke]

I hate to ask a stupid question and please forgive me for being blunt....but where is your husband in this equation? Can't he help out in the evenings?
He is busy with Kyle. He is a handful. :lol: I rather do the school work with her. His explanations even confuse me and I know all about the English grammar although English is not my mother tongue. I had a much better education, too. Don't get me wrong, my DH is smart and he is going to night college which explains why he is not available all the time.

[Silke]

She's too young to understand that. She is only in third grade after all :) She needs to SEE that...for you to PROVE it to her by continually encouraging her to study that way. If she doesn't want you to help her then get her Dad too...or as I said before, perhaps she will be more willing to listen to a third party like a tutor....
Don't tell her, she is in 3rd grade. :lol: She is actually in 4th. She does listen to me, reluctantly at times. I just have to kick her butt verbally to do it, what I call, my way.

[Silke]

Hey, I even tutored my DH for a placement math test and taught him good study methods. :lol: He has the 4.0 average. I don't. :scratch:

[Silke]

One other questions. Are pre-teen boys any better? :lol:

[MelissaM]

Don't tell her, she is in 3rd grade. :lol: She is actually in 4th. She does listen to me, reluctantly at times. I just have to kick her butt verbally to do it, what I call, my way.

Oooppsss!!!! Sorry about that!!

Hey..don't call it "your way" - Call it "OUR way" or a "SIMPLE EASY way" she might actually listen if you tell her it is easy :lol:

[Silke]

Oooppsss!!!! Sorry about that!!

Hey..don't call it "your way" - Call it "OUR way" or a "SIMPLE EASY way" she might actually listen if you tell her it is easy :lol:

OUR way...booty then. :lol:

[MelissaM]

One other questions. Are pre-teen boys any better? :lol:

Actually - they are :) At least so far so good. William is ten and he is COMPLETELY different than Jennifer was....boys don't seem to have the innate desire to push away at that age....well at least...so far so good :lol:

[Silke]

I do know some kids that work very well independtly and industrious on their HW. I guess, my child is not one of them. :lol: Sigh. Wouldn't that be nice. I wonder how those parents do it? :scratch:I have talked to my friend about it before, one of those lucky parents, and she doesn't even check their HW nor quizzes them for their tests. If they don't get something done, she let's them run right into it. And she can take all this laughingly. She is sooo much more laid back than me.

[MelissaM]

Oh and hey....good luck with it all. It is SO hard to know if what you are doing is right...raising pre-teens and teens is COMPLETELY trial and error....but it sounds as thuogh you are thinking of some really really good changes. Hopefully SOMETHING will work.

I know that you do this anyway so ignore me if this sounds silly...but make sure you kiss and hug her and tell her you love her ALOT. Kids that age need to be reassured. They KNOW how they are behaving. They KNOW that they are horrible, but they just can't help it. :lol: Loads and loads of loveis so important as well - even if you are gritting your teeth while you are doing it :lol:

[Silke]

Actually - they are :) At least so far so good. William is ten and he is COMPLETELY different than Jennifer was....boys don't seem to have the innate desire to push away at that age....well at least...so far so good :lol:

Good luck that it stays that way. I still have a quite a few more years to go to find out for myself. :lol:

[MelissaM]

I do know some kids that work very well independtly and industrious on their HW. I guess, my child is not one of them. :lol: Sigh. Wouldn't that be nice. I wonder how those parents do it? :scratch:I have talked to my friend about it before, one of those lucky parents, and she doesn't even check their HW nor quizzes them for their tests. If they don't get something done, she let's them run right into it. And she can take all this laughingly. She is sooo much more laid back than me.

Oh I don't know...there are benefits to being laid back but there are also benefits to really taking all of this seriously. :) You MAY need to learn to ease off a little bit, but in the long run...she'll care because you have instilled in her that it is importnant.

[Silke]

Oh and hey....good luck with it all. It is SO hard to know if what you are doing is right...raising pre-teens and teens is COMPLETELY trial and error....but it sounds as thuogh you are thinking of some really really good changes. Hopefully SOMETHING will work.

I know that you do this anyway so ignore me if this sounds silly...but make sure you kiss and hug her and tell her you love her ALOT. Kids that age need to be reassured. They KNOW how they are behaving. They KNOW that they are horrible, but they just can't help it. :lol: Loads and loads of loveis so important as well - even if you are gritting your teeth while you are doing it :lol:

Thanks. I can use that good luck. :lol:
Oh, she hears that love all the time. At least once a day. To the point where she rolls her eyes. Typical. :lol:

[Silke]

Oh I don't know...there are benefits to being laid back but there are also benefits to really taking all of this seriously. :) You MAY need to learn to ease off a little bit, but in the long run...she'll care because you have instilled in her that it is importnant.
I guess, DH has to do that part mainly. He is the laid back person in the relationship. I have only seen him mad twice so far. Well, I can try at least. :)

[Joan]

I don't mean to but in here, but just wanted to say you are not alone. Parenting is HARD WORK and it takes YEARS of practice! Melissa has given great advice. I'd just like to add that there is a lot of new information introduced in grade 4. especially in Math. I teach grade 4 and new concepts, word problems, and problem solving strategies cause a lot of "A" students to take a few steps backwards. Some of the stuff we teach is hard and I'm not sure all 4th graders are developmentally ready to understand. They are making the transition from concrete to abstract thinking and understanding. Most of the concepts introduced will be reinforced over the next 2 years, so mastery is not expected.

I have a 7th grade son who I had to sit with in 4th and 5th grade to help with homework. 6th grade he was fairly independent, and now in 7th grade, wow, the workload is quite big. We both help him sometimes! He goes through great periods and then gets into a funky spell every now and then.

Good luck!

[Silke]

I don't mean to but in here, but just wanted to say you are not alone. Parenting is HARD WORK and it takes YEARS of practice! Melissa has given great advice. I'd just like to add that there is a lot of new information introduced in grade 4. especially in Math. I teach grade 4 and new concepts, word problems, and problem solving strategies cause a lot of "A" students to take a few steps backwards. Some of the stuff we teach is hard and I'm not sure all 4th graders are developmentally ready to understand. They are making the transition from concrete to abstract thinking and understanding. Most of the concepts introduced will be reinforced over the next 2 years, so mastery is not expected.

I have a 7th grade son who I had to sit with in 4th and 5th grade to help with homework. 6th grade he was fairly independent, and now in 7th grade, wow, the workload is quite big. We both help him sometimes! He goes through great periods and then gets into a funky spell every now and then.

Good luck!

You can butt in as much as you want. :lol: I was asking for help. I just knew, Melissa would have some great advice. Thanks Melissa. :kiss: She has done 4 math problem sets yesterday. :woa:And she is working on her last one right now.

[Silke]

We have been doing HW together.I moved hyer back into the kitchen doing it. If it were just that. Now that I do spend more time with her, HW gets done much faster.
I did call the pediatrician in regards to her. I just don't know what to do with her anymore. She lied again about her HW. If I try to sit down and talk to her, I get just the famous shrugging of the shoulders.

[Jayne]

I am going to butt in here to. I think that Melissa has given you some great advice and it was great to read it all and agree with it all!!!

I have a 3rd grader..My Son Tylor will be 10 in May. I must say that while boys I do believe are easier I do think they have their struggles as well.

When I was reading that you had her do her homework in her bedroom I thought right then and there that it wouldn't work.

Something that works for us..

When Tylor gets home from school he gets a snack and a 1/2 hr to just be a kid. (in the fall/spring when it is warmer he gets an hour!) He can play..or we talk about the day. He helps me decide what will be for dinner. Then we get homework out! This gives him a little down time. I mean when you work all day the last thing you want to do the minute you get home is work right???

So we get homework out on the kitchen table. I read through the directions with him and make sure he understands what is to be done. THen usually I get dinner going while he sits there and does it. I keep coming in and asking him if he has any questions. I have also told him that if he does have a problem with a problem that he is to circle the number and move on to the next. Then when I have a moment I come in and sit with him and go over it. Usually Tylor is done by the time dinner is ready. We set the homework aside and have a nice family dinner. After Dinner Tylor takes his homework to DH and they go over it. I know it is almost double work because I know what is going on and DH doesn't but this gives Tylor some time with both of us and we get to spend great quality time with Ty! Right before bed we have come up with a great reading fun! Tylor reads his books to Alyssa. SHE LOVES IT (she is 3) And so does Tylor. I think he really thinks he is teaching her and loves that she likes listening to him! DH or I usually sit with them while the other gets their beds ready for them! It works for us.

I am sure the lieing is a hard thing to figure out. I can honestly tell you that I was your daughter. I struggled with school and friends and I lied. I was older (5th and 6th grade) both my parents worked full time and my dad worked a lot more then that. I was the oldest of 3 kids and I think while my parents felt they were spending time with me I felt that they were not. I acted out and the attention I got wasn't positive but it was geared toward me. I spent a lot of time alone in my room upset and crying and that isn't good for a child. Made me realize how important every single minute with my children is. It may be hard to find the time to sit with her but in the long run believe me she needs it.

Jayne

[MelissaM]

Oh Jayne...such wonderful advice!!! I agree 100%!!!

[Silke]

Thanks Jayne. I really want to understand why she is doing this. It hurts me so bad to constantly having to punish her. Doing the HW together once again helps.

[Jayne]

Oh Jayne...such wonderful advice!!! I agree 100%!!!

Thanks Melissa...I really appriciate it. This is one thing I am extra sensitive about since I myself went through it.