My Own Pity Party

[MamaGoofy]

I just needed to get these feelings down somewhere and I figured this was the right place to do so....

As I look around myself (IRL and here) I can't help but to feel sad, angry and jealous. 3 people close to me have had their babies...and mine is gone. I feel angry and sad all at the same time. Why can't I be holding my newborn child in my arms? Feel her warmth as she nurses from my breast? I want to complain about cracking nipples, being tired and all those poopy diapers. I hate that I have this emptiness within me. All I want for Christmas is to hear my newborn child cry in the middle of the night and know that only my touch will calm her. I want to smell the aroma of her breastmilk breath. To watch my son gently hold his baby sister. To watch her gaze upon the Christmas tree and stare at the lights.

I look down at my stomach and feel pain and a void that isn't there that should be. Why God? Why did you take my baby? I know I shouldn't question...but I am. Why did you take my baby when you could have taken that person's baby who didn't want him/her. What did I do to deserve such heartache and emptiness?

I try to be ok with what happened. I say to myself.."things happen for a reason..." blah blah blah..but in reality..IT ALL SUCKS and I HATE IT!!

Now please don't get me wrong. I am extremely happy for all those who have had their babies and I love that God has blessed them. I just feel that I should have been included in that miracle. I try not to come around often or to stear clear of those I know who just delivered. But like a moth to the flame I am drawn to see their happiness even though it kills me.

My baby would have been about 1 week old today. :bawl:

For those of you who took the time to read my ramblings I appreciate it..I did this more for myself than anything....thanks..

[LISA]

Oh Melissa :blue: I'm sorry :sadhug:

[Brooke]

Melissa, I can totally relate. We're asking all the same questions for my sister right now.

:bighug:

[sabrina]

I am so sorry and I totally understand how you are feeling. Many many hugs to you.

[Mary]

Melissa, I'm so very sorry.

Mary

[Kate]

:hug99: I am very sorry!!

[MamaGoofy]

Thank you to everyone who stopped by and offered :bighug: It really makes me feel good to know that I have such an awesome support group!

[Jane]

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so sad. :hug99: It has been such a rough year for you with the miscarriage and now TTC. I just want to give you a hug and wish the hurt could disappear.:hug99:

It must be difficult to look at others children and realise that you could be holding your little one. I felt exactly the same when I miscarried and was having trouble TTC. I hope fate steps in and makes life a lot happier and easier for you.

[MamaGoofy]

:bawl: Thank you Jane! That really meant a lot to me. I have totally handed it all over to God. He will know the perfect time to bless me with my miracle! I just :pray: that it's soon!!

[Alyssa]

Oh Melissa...:justahug: I really can't even imagine the pain you're feeling...I really hope you get everything you wish for, hope for & and deserve...and soon.

[tara1007]

Melissa I know how you feel I had a m/c in sept, I just cant understand why, and I am always thinking about it. Why?? It is so hard not to be jealous around others, the hardest moment for me was when one of the moms in ds gymboree class said she was pregnant and was due on the exact day I was! We are also TTC again, I hope we both have a quick stay there and go on to have 9 healthy months and we both can hold little ones of our own very soon

[Alysia]

:hug99:

[Bev]

Melissa I am so sorry. :hug99: I could have written your post every day for the last year! I was so lucky not to know anyone who was pregnant during that whole time.

I know it is especially rough for you with your tube and ovary being removed and your other health issues right now. I have no advice for you just lots of hugs and prayers for the future.

And of course, when you do get that BFP you will just not enjoy the pregnancy for all the worry until you pass your previous dates and reach some milestones. It is a horrible situation and you have every right to have a big pity party as often as you want. :hug99:

[MamaGoofy]

Thank you so much!! You really have no idea how much it means to me that I have this support group. No one IRL really truly understands as they haven't had to deal with it!!! :hug99: Thank you for the awesome support!~!

[SarahK]

:hug99:

[Stacey]

Melissa, I'm so sorry. :hug99:

[pam]

:hug99: The time when baby would have been here has got to be the hardest. All the things that you imagined for the time that she would have been here...I can only imagine how hard they are for you now. For me, I pictured being big, round & in pain at this point...going to holiday parties with a big ole belly...but all I have is my regular belly flab. I'm dreading what would have been my baby's EDD, 1/3/05. I'm sorry for your loss & wish you the best.

[MamaGoofy]

Thank you so much for all the support!!

[Stacy]

Just stopping by to offer you a :justahug:

You are truly justified in feeling the way you do. Isn't it nice but sad that you aren't alone here. Others have gone what you are going through and are here to offer encouragement, empathy and sympathy.

I will be praying for God's perfect timing to match up with your timing. The waiting can be so hard and painful though but I know God's blessing is on it's way.

[MamaGoofy]

Stacy what you said is so true. If I could wish just one wish this Christmas...it would be that no mother would ever have to deal with losing their child! It just isn't fair. I know that God will bless me with another child. Thank you again for all of your support. I wish that no one would have to feel the pain of losing an unborn child. It's so senseless!

Pam: My heart goes out to you. Let me know what/if anything I can do to help you thru your time!! The time the baby would have been here is the worse... especially seeing my cousins deliver there little ones. We would have had 3 newborns at my grandmothers for Christmas this year. One of the reasons I can't bear to go.