Lying

[bunybomb]

I know this is a horrible subject to talk about. I'm at my wits end. My DD is lying. She isn't lying to get herself out of trouble. She lies right to our faces. It's like she wants to test to see if we are paying attention, which we are and she always gets caught. She lies about homework, lunch money, whether she has completed a chore, etc.

She has never been like this. We do not lie to her. I don't know where this is coming from. Whe asked about it, her response is always "I don't know".

I'm feel like I'm losing my child and I don't know what to do. :bawl:

[Billy]

My son is 9 and he's been "trying it out" as well. He lies about homework, test grades, etc (to his father). but I really think it's just a phase. He's recently moved in with his father and I think he's testing new ground or he's just afraid he's going to get in trouble for say..forgetting his homework, not getting a high grade on a test. He doesn't seem to understand he doesn't need to lie about it. I've been talking to him and trying to explain he needs to tell the truth and if he needs help in a certain area at school...I will help him if his father doesn't. He doesn't seem to understand or want to understand that he's going to get into more trouble if he's caught lying than when he tells the truth if he has a bad test score or forgets something.

He's getting better though. Just keep talking to her and let her know you're there to help her if she needs it, I really do think it's a phase. Kyle's favorite response as to why he lies is always "I don't know" also.

:hug99: Hang in there! :bighug:

[MelissaM]

I think that children that age lie for any number of reasons:

1. To escape harm or percieved harm/punishment/retribution (obviously this isn't true in your case :) )
2. To deflect responsibility
3. to test the waters of what they can get away with
4. because they are basically lazy and just can't be bothered to get into a big long conversation about something (this being my son :lol: )

My guess is that option 3 is what is happening with your daughter. She is simply testing you to discover what she can and cannot get away with. She thinks that she is smarter than you are - and that's ok. It's part of growing up...totally normal and expected behaviour. You just need to make sure that she realizes that she is NOT smarter than you and that you can catch her in a lie at any point in time.

William started doing this and I basically made a sort of semi-joke about it "Wiliam...come ON man...you don't need to lie to me about this...about ANYTHING really......besides...it's written all over your gorgeous sweet face" Then I would tickle him or kiss him and then take his face in my hands and say "Listen...listen good...you can trust me totally and 100%...get it? 100%. You NEVER EVER need to lie or make up stories or pretend. I got your back no matter what"

And we would repeat this process...I did the same thing with Jennifer...now she is incapable of lying to me...she always starts to laugh. It's pretty funny actually. With my kids too...they would never be afraid of punishment because we just don't use it in our house...so they were literally testing me. And I guess I passed :lol:

I think that as long as she is not lying about really super important things...then this is what she is doing - testing you. I think if she ever got to the point of stealing, or hurting another person or leaving school and doing dangerous things and THEN lying about it...then you would have to take other measures. Besides...in that type of situation the lying would only be a symptom of some other emotional problem anyway..and I seriously doubt you would ever get to that point.

Hang in there my friend!!! The joys of having a pre-teen around is all it is...

[bunybomb]

Thank you, thank you Billy and Melissa. I'm so frustrated with all this. But thanks for bringing me back to reality with real world causes and solutions. Melissa, I think she is doing #2-4 on your list. That really helps me keep it in perspective.

Last night after being caught again, I had it. I was so disappointed that I didn't even want to spend time with her. I told her to go take a shower so I could cool off. After that, dad got home and she was sweet as pie. Helpful, respectful, playing with her brother......I know her ploy was to get in my good graces so I wouldn't tell dad. :tearhair:

[MelissaM]

You know...it may also be the case that she is just doing this to piss you off. She knows that she gets under your skin if you catch her in a lie and she knows that you will react - perhaps she is looking for that reaction? Positive or negative...it doesn't matter what the reaction is...she just needs to know that she has the power to get to you. Which of course she does :lol:

You might try simply ignoring it...catch her in a lie and simply say "oh I know that's not right" and then leave it. Don't get angry, don't have a response at all other than possibly rolling your eyes and walking away.

[bunybomb]

You know...it may also be the case that she is just doing this to piss you off. She knows that she gets under your skin if you catch her in a lie and she knows that you will react - perhaps she is looking for that reaction? Positive or negative...it doesn't matter what the reaction is...she just needs to know that she has the power to get to you. Which of course she does :lol:

You might try simply ignoring it...catch her in a lie and simply say "oh I know that's not right" and then leave it. Don't get angry, don't have a response at all other than possibly rolling your eyes and walking away.
Your advice is so right on Melissa. What a Wonder Woman/Mom you are!!! I will work on ignoring it.

Yesterday when we talked about it, I told her how disappointed I was that she felt she needed to lie, especially about something silly. I told her that she needed to go take a shower so I could cool off. After that I told her it was my night alone to watch tv in our bedroom.

She called me today and said she is doing her homework now. A bit of cold shoulder goes along way.......

[Silke]

Man, that sounds just like my daughter. Our problems have been going on for almost 2 years now and I can't seem to get through to her that it's not worth lying to me because I find out eventually anyway.
She has been lying about her homework. I went so far last year that he had to write all her homework assignments in permanent ink because she had erased assignments. Her most famous response to not bringing study material home is I forgot. Once maybe, twice oh well, but four times in a row - I don't think so. She definitely had responsibility issues last year and I was hoping this school year would be better but it doesn't look like it.
When she messes up she tries to hide it from me. I have the feeling my daughter is afraid of me. That makes me so sad. I know I am strict, but I just can't stand being lied to.
Right now I feel like there is not a day where I don't have to &itch! I am so sick of it. The of course there is her constant whining/crying. That just makes me so mad because she is doing this all to herself. I could be rambling on but I am also at my wits end. I have tried talking, persuasion, punishment, ignoring it- nothing works!
So you are not alone.

[MelissaM]

When she messes up she tries to hide it from me. I have the feeling my daughter is afraid of me. That makes me so sad. I know I am strict, but I just can't stand being lied to.
Right now I feel like there is not a day where I don't have to &itch! I am so sick of it. The of course there is her constant whining/crying. That just makes me so mad because she is doing this all to herself. I could be rambling on but I am also at my wits end. I have tried talking, persuasion, punishment, ignoring it- nothing works!

I think then that you need to sit with her and tell her that there is no NEED to be afraid of you. That is a problem right there...she needs to respect you sure...but fear you? that's a problem that you are going to have to nip in the bud if you want her to stop lying to you. Like I said before...children will lie out of fear of punishment...punishing for the lie is therefore not all that sensible...becuase you have in effect, reinforced the fact that she is right in thinking that way...so she will continue to do so.

My solution? Well...to be blunt...stop bitching about it, stop bitching at her and sit and talk with her...reassure her, comfort her, love her (all things you are doing already I am sure) but in the context of "You really don't need to lie becuase I am not going to get mad...I love you no matter what...no matter how you do in school or if you mess up. I mess up ALL the time...." and go on to show her that it is ok to not be perfect.

Good luck!!

[Silke]

Thanks Melissa,
I'll try that! It's just so hard not to blow the top.

[MelissaM]

Thanks Melissa,
I'll try that! It's just so hard not to blow the top.
:crazy: Oh I totally know!!! :lol: I sometimes have to leave the room for fear that I am going to say something completely unproductive to William...and he takes everything to heart so one wrong word from me could scar the poor thing for life :lol:

[Billy]

Such great advice Melissa I had to share some of it with Kyle's daddy last night and he's going to give it a go :up: Thanks!

[MelissaM]

Such great advice Melissa I had to share some of it with Kyle's daddy last night and he's going to give it a go :up: Thanks!
No problem at all! :nod: I hope things work out!

[Silke]

After lots of thinking, I think I came up with a non-punishment - reward system.
Natascha has been really wanting I book bag with wheels. I told that she'll get it after first school quarter if she keeps up her responsibilities. Well, maybe this was too far out of her reach. So I am going to buy that wheelable book bag now. Natascha needs to keep up her responsibilities at school and no lying! Then she'll get one point every day. I can only take one point per day away. When she has 30 points together, she'll get the bag. Natascha was really excited about it yesterday. The bag will be here to look at, just can't be used yet until she earns all her points.

[MelissaM]

Awesome idea!!! I hope she gets the bookbag soon...and in the process...learns that she doesn't need to lie or manipulate!

[Silke]

I sure hope it works!

[Joan]

We also had our share of the lying. I hated it!!! We basicly did what melissa and other suggested. We calmly told Sean that he would not be punnished for telling the truth (that hurt a few times!) And we told him that "we got your back". We emphasized that we are his number one supporters and there is no need to lie. All problems have solutions. It took about a school year for the lying to stop, but now, he is pretty honest. Good luck!!!