Sad Feelings

[MamaGoofy]

I feel like a malfunctioning woman. Not even really a woman. As you know we lost our baby back in April. I had a D&C in May along with the removal of my right tube. We have been OTL and TTC since then. I have been tracking my fertile days but keep coming up negative. What's wrong with me? I have come to the determination that I am defective and my little David is all we will have. I am very saddened by this thought and pray that it's not true. Is this a normal feeling? Will it ever go away? I just feel like there is no sense in trying anymore. I can't handle continueing getting my stupid period every month. Sorry for rambling. I just needed to get this thought out....:blue:

[Nadine]

Hi there!
:hug99: You are not a malfunctioning woman! Don't even think that!! :hug99:
You know, in Judaism we say that it atkes 3 to have a baby- the father, mother and God. So don't carry this weight alone!
How about this- it looks like it is not an easy road for you to get PG. So how about NOT trying but yes trying? KWIM? Stop thinking about it for a while. Let your mind rest and stop worrying. Maybe the emotional weight is just too much right now. So keep having adult time without the pressure of active TTCing. Isn't that what we call OTL here? I hope you will feel better soon and that you will be blessed with another child. :hug99:

[Brooke]

Melissa - I think those feelings sound pretty normal to me. I think everyone gets frustrated and sad at times, especially when TTC'ing isn't working the way it should.
What about trying something different - like an ovulation predictor kit?
Maybe trying something in addition to charting will at least help you feel like you're doing everything you can.

[MamaGoofy]

Thanks guys! I really try to stay a positive person. However, when you want something so bad and it doesn't happen the way you want it just sucks.

Nadine: That makes sense. It's what we did when we conceived David. We quit "trying" and just had fun with it and bamm...we were pregnant the very next month. I try to not pay attention to my fertile days..but I can't help it. I know when they are.

Brooke: I haven't really been charting so to speak. I just know when my fertile days are supposed to be (because of WebMD). I think I would be crazy mad if I were charting and nothing was happening.

I know that when God is ready for me to be pregnant I will be..I just wish he was on my time schedule.

[Jane]

Hi Melissa,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. We feel pg. straight away (infact he was a surprise) with our first son Patrick and then we decided to wait to TTC#2 and enjoy him. Well time ticked on and around his 2nd birthday we thought we would try. I presummed we would get a BFP straight away, just like we did with Patrick but it took us 8 months before we received our long awaited BFP. I remember each and every month feeling heart broken and upset and wondering why it kept happening. I even went to my GP after 6 months of TTC just to check all was OK. Mind you, she didn't help much she told me 6 months was nothing and to keep going with what we were doing already. I must admit I was getting more and more frustrated and then, like you decided Patrick maybe our only one and it was when I had come to that conclusion that we got our wonderful BFP.

I am sure it will happen for you. It is so hard to be patient!..trust me, I know.

I will be thinking of you and sending lots and lots of positive thoughts.

[MamaGoofy]

Thank you so much Jane!! I really appreciate you posting. Sometimes it's just nice to know that you aren't the only one out there with these feelings.

[Jane]

I'm thinking of you.

[MamaGoofy]

Well stupid AF came and visited today :mope: The good news...we get to keep trying.. I am really trying to stay positive. Its just really hard!

[Shanna2]

I know exactly how you feel. :( I had a m/c last February, and started trying again ASAP. It seemed like it was taking forever to get pregnant again, even though I know so many people are still waiting for their first. It took about 6 months for me, but I remember thinking it would never happen. I hope it happens for you soon. :)

[Jane]

You are certainly taking the positive approach Melissa and that is the best way to go about it.

Have you visited your GP to discuss your concerns and worries?

Lots of positive thoughts for a BFP this month.

[Shel]

:bighug: You know all my good stuff, as we've talked before. But do not give up. If there is anyone who is a testament to screwy bodies becoming pregnant on their own, it's me :lol: It took almost 3 years to have Riley, and almost 2 years to get pg again, but it happened. I know it's going to happen for you! Maybe God is just waiting until after hurricane season to blow through :biggrin: Keep your head up. What you are feeling is normal!!

[Bev]

Melissa, I'm sorry I didn't see this post earlier. As you know after Mason, I got pregnant with the molar. Then came the chemo and the mandatory wait. It was supposed to be 12 months, but I started TTC after 6 months because, let's face it, I'm getting pretty old to be having babies, and I already knew I had a bad egg. (The molar comes from an egg with no DNA being fertilized by the sperm, and it implants and becomes a tumour).

Well, now I am at exactly a year from the chemo, but no baby. In fact, not only don't I have a baby, suddenly I don't ovulate on my own and DH's sperm sucks the big one!

I got on my OB/GYN at 3 months (4 cycles) TTC and he started the bloodwork and did the S/A. Then he put me on fertility meds (Clomid) to make me ovulate and tried an IUI with no success, due to the quality of the sperm.

I am now going on Sept 29th to the fertility clinic. I am 38 and I am not willing to waste time without medical intervention. To the tune of at least $7800 with no insurance coverage thank you very much.

I read an excellent book on Secondary Infertility, which incidentally is more common than primary infertility and is almost more devastating because you think, it'll happen eventually, it worked before, so people don't explore it or even know it exists. The book is called Wanting Another Child by Harriet Something Something. It really validates all your feelings and every emotion you are currently going through. You are perfectly normal and not defective. Do not think like that!

Good luck to you and don't give up. :hug99:

[Bev]

Oh! I'm not trying to imply you are suffering from secondary infertility, just that your feelings are perfectly normal. But after losing a tube, you might want to explore other options or opinions. :)

[MamaGoofy]

Wow! Thanks everyone! Well, we are starting cycle 8099! hehe. We have decided to have lots of fun and just wing it for a couple months. I haven't spoken with my OB/Gyn or GP yet. I think I am going to wait to do that for a while. My body could just be trying to get back to normal still it's really only been 4 months since the surgery. I just have no patience honestly. I am still relatively young (32) so I don't feel I need to press my panick button. I was feeling sorry for myself (and had just heard of another person who found out she was pg and she actually had the nerve to tell me that she didn't even want to be pg). That really stung. I am sitting here asking God, Why did you allow her to get pg when she doesn't want it and here I am praying, begging for another child and still BFN. I don't see the fairness in it. Shel, you may have something there. Maybe he is just waiting for hurricane season to end. I still have another 41 days or so until it's over. That equals out to 2 (maybe 1) cycle. Thank you so much for your support everyone. It really helps.

Jane: Did I notice right? You had your little one? I better get over and check out your journal.

[Jane]

No news here....thank goodness. I have a C-Section in about 7 weeks so I'm glad she is not here yet.

You have every right to feel impatient and frustrated. When I was going through the same thing I wished each day away so I could test and see if I had the elusive BFP!

You are taking the right approach to just go for it. Hopefully you won't need to see a GP or OB/GYN.

My fingers (and toes) are crossed for you.

[MamaGoofy]

Thanks Jane!

[Bev]

Melissa, good luck! Your new pic makes you look like a movie star! :)

[MamaGoofy]

Thanks Beverly!! I felt like a movie star that night!!